There can be good days, weeks, and months! But . . .

Six months.  Half a year.  All relatively peaceful.

What’s the secret to achieving such happiness?  Oh, sweetheart, there isn’t one.

There are things that help.  Avoidance. Refusal to engage in circular arguments.  Refusal to share my emotions.  Care not to speak with strong emotion.

Those exact same things I always say and know to be true, but tend to forget.  I realize this afresh, every time I fail to implement such strategies.

Like today.  After another go-round on this endless NT/AS carousel.

I AM SISYPHUS.   And this marriage sometimes feels like the definition of insanity.

There can be good days, weeks, and months!

But . . . .

Description

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was punished by being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll down when it nears the top, repeating this action for eternity. Wikipedia

Only When Things are Really Bad

Seems the last few years I’ve only checked in here when things have been really bad.  Yes, this week has been Really bad.

Last night, for the first time, I told one of the children that their father has Asperger’s.  And told that child that “we marry our parents.”  Meaning we tend to marry into what we are used to and have grown up with.  Be aware, kiddo.  Examine potential future mates carefully, through the lens of knowledge.  Don’t have a marriage like ours.  PLEASE, please don’t!

Because in your marriage, I don’t want you hiding away in a locked bedroom or bathroom more hours than you can count.  It’s my alternative to divorce.  And I don’t want this for you.

I want you to be able to communicate with your future spouse.  I want you to feel heard, understood, and loved.  You haven’t grown up seeing a marriage with even the most basic biblical communication, and that is my biggest regret in life.  My regret is not so much that I didn’t have it for myself, but that our marriage didn’t model godly communication for you and your siblings.

I ache for myself tonight.  I ache for my children tonight.  I ache for the negative impact that will affect future generations.

Lord, have mercy.  Please, God, have mercy.

Lack of Empathy for the Children

Wow.  And I thought his lack of empathy for me was horrible.  Nothing makes my blood boil more than when he fails to show any empathy toward my children!  The kids are old enough now to more clearly and verbally express their exasperation and frustration.  They can feel very, very, emotionally hurt by his seeming callousness.

The children should be told that he has Asperger's.  But, how?  He is certainly not going to tell them.  He won't tell anyone. How should I go about explaining this to them?  Do I share how nearly all of our marital strife is rooted in the NT/AS marriage dynamic?  "Marriage doesn't have to look like this, kids."  I don't want their future marriages to be like ours!

Sometimes I am encouraged at the thought of our marriage becoming peaceful, and maybe even fun, once we are empty nesters.  But, then I realize there will be grandchildren one day.  And the issues that upset me so much now, will return when he is with the grandchildren.  And if our adult children have problems and need emotional support and empathy from him?  He has the power to (albeit unwittingly) destroy them.

Which destroys me.

Yes, I know.  It is time to go back to counseling.  Way, way past time.

God, help us all.

Same old, same old . . . .

Well, I'm right back where I was several years ago, when my Aspergers journey first started.  It feels like that, anyway.

While my aspie husband and I were in marriage counseling, the marriage was at least getting his attention, and acceptable ways of communicating were occasionally on his mind.  Counseling for us stopped, and the marriage is back to horrible, and communication is ungodly.

I just found a blog post I wrote in 2011 and am re-posting in case anyone else is going through the same hell I am.  I desperately need to be able to hope again.  Do you?


Just when everything has been fine and dandy for a while, a "What the . . . huh?!" moment comes along and knocks you on your rear.

Cuz you did it again.  Your feelings were hurt and you thought he would care that your feelings were hurt.  Ya Big Dummy.  How could you forget like that?  He doesn't give a rat's be-hind about your feelings.  You know that.  C'mon.  You've been told a gazillion times.  When will you ever learn?

But seriously.  It hurts like the dickens, doesn't it?  "What the . . . huh?!" moments are all too frequent in an NT/AS relationship.  And they recur.  No matter how long it's been since the last time it happened, it comes back.  And it hurts.  It's the nature of the beast.  It's self-centered.  "It's all about him/her (the aspie)."  It's never about your feelings.  Your feelings simply do not matter.  All that matters is your smiling, unemotional acceptance of everything life throws your way.

And you forgot again.  You made an attempt to explain why you felt the way you did.  You attempted to share a piece of your heart with him.  But it's just not about you, ya know.  It's only about him!  He doesn't listen or try to understand the feelings-talk.  He gets defensive and feels attacked.  "So it's all my fault?!" is his response to everything you say.  "Damn, you big jerk!" you want to scream back at him.  "Would you just hear that I am in pain and act, even just act, like you care?"  

But I'm not being fair. The rational, logical part of me knows that.  This pain, at its root, is caused by his autism.  He does care about me.  If I have a broken leg, he comprehends that and will even perform acts of kindness that show he cares.  His brain just doesn't comprehend empathy for my feelings.  He doesn't "get it."  And he can't.  And I shouldn't expect him to.

The best analogy I have ever read was on a forum post by cmasp on leprosy.  Leprosy prevents a person from feeling pain.  And so a leper can put their hand into boiling water and not take it out, thus resulting in serious injury.  You can explain PAIN to a leper, but they cannot know what it feels like.  They can be taught to take a hurting person pain medicine, but they don't truly understand.  And the aspie can be taught ways to respond to you, but he isn't going to understand--deeply understand--what you are expecting from him in the realm of empathy.

And so the cycle continues.  I expect the impossible.  I get hurt.  I try to share my hurt and he gets defensive.  Will it never end?  I despair.

But love always hopes.  And God "opens the eyes of the blind."  I believe that.  Maybe, just maybe, I need to quit seeing him as the only one who is blind in this relationship.  Maybe I should hope that God would open my eyes to the wonder of His creating us male and female, autistic and neurotypical.  Maybe I should start hoping that I will rejoice more in these trials that bear the good fruit of making me less selfish, more patient, more tolerant, and more kind.

Maybe if I change what I hope for I'll have less "What the . . . huh?!" moments in this NT/AS relationship.

Maybe?

Let's hope!

Consequences and Nondefensive Communication

Another great book worth having at your fingertips for frequent reference is "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward.  The author states that "Nondefensive communication always works!" And she is absolutely correct.

Over the past few months, I have worked hard at communicating more effectively with the aspies in my life, especially with the ones who tend to be rather angry.  My getting defensive, yelling, crying, seeking to argue, justify, or give reasonable explanations, only escalated problems.  Two major changes, however, have impacted my life immensely.

1.). Consequences.  Set a boundary line around issues and areas that need help, and start protecting your time, energy, heart, and life.  Be calm and clear.  After asking nicely that your aspie take your feelings into consideration (which they likely won't and/or just won't know how to manage such a feat), state the consequence for failing to take care of your comfort or health.  "I feel scared.  If you do not stop speeding on these dangerous roads, I will find another way home from the event."  "My pain level is bad this week.  If you do not put the in-laws in a hotel when they come to visit, I will go stay in a hotel myself until they leave." "I'm not willing to be yelled at. I'm leaving." Sound too harsh? An NT would not as likely need such directness along with a consequence, after explaining one's emotional turmoil or health problems that are affected in a given scenario, but your aspie might.

2.) In an argument, use Nondefensive answers only and refuse to justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself.   For memory's sake, the book gives the acronym JADE (don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain).  I prefer more grim terms, and use the acronym DEAD (Don't Explain, Argue, or Defend).  Because if there will be no chance of reaching mutual understanding, the sooner the argument is killed the better!
Most importantly, one should commit to memory a list of Nondefensive answers:

"I'm sorry you're upset."
"I understand how you might see it that way."
"Really?"
"You're entitled to your opinion."
"This is the way it has to be."
"I need to think about this more."

and one more time . . . The one phrase that can be used in any conversation that will bring an argument to a close . . . "I'M SORRY YOU ARE UPSET." (aka "I'm sorry you feel that way.")

Respond with that one phrase and always remember your goal for heated arguments.

DEAD.

Don't Explain, Argue, or Defend!  

What?  You disagree?

I'm sorry you feel that way.  ;)

Conflict with a Female who has Asperger's Syndrome

Oh, HELP.  Holiday drama time is here again.

Conflict, conflict, conflict.  This time with a woman who has Asperger's.

Her "feelings are hurt."  She is demanding certain actions and behaviors from another person.  She "takes no delight in understanding, but only in airing her own opinions."  (Which the Bible calls a fool, btw.)

There is zero desire to hear the other person's perspective (of course).  There is no compassion or empathy for the struggles the other person is going through.  There is an air of superiority, and there are many demands to have her own way.  Guilt messages are vomited out of her mouth.  And it's all making me sick.

There is no point in trying to share a different perspective, right?  So, what do you do?  Really.  What do you do? 

Reading, and re-reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.  The chapter that deals with Guilt Messages is excellent.  This relationship may completely break down, for a time, anyway.  And that might be a necessary, and eventually, a productive thing.

DEEP,
DEEP,
SIGH.

For Women Only

"For Women Only:  What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn is a must-read for every female on the planet.  "For Women Only" on Amazon

And for Christian wives of aspies, in particular, this eye-opener could be key to changing your marriage for the better.  Without going into too much graphic detail, we women need to realize that physical intimacy for most men, is the way the male experiences emotional connection.

We may be known for behaving like this: Since my Asperger's husband is not connecting with me emotionally, there's no way I will connect with him physically (meaning intimately; forgive the prudish skirting around technical, literal terms.  The reason is simply that I don't want the keywords I use to draw the wrong kind of traffic to this blog--been there done that, and it wasn't pretty cleaning up all the spam that resulted.). 

If physical intimacy is the way he connects emotionally, our refusal to meet him in that way is making us just as bad, just as wrong, as he is for not meeting our needs emotionally.  The difference is that the aspergers man cannot connect with you emotionally.  But you, on the other hand, do have the power to connect with him, the (only) way he is able to connect.

But that's not fair!  I know.  Why should I be the one to give, when he isn't giving to me?  I understand.  Yet, know what?  Something incredible happens when you change into a responsive, warm, inviting wife in this area.  It may take some time for his walls to come down, if you have previously been harsh (as I was, from the time I first discovered he had aspergers), but when they do . . . there is connection.  There really is!

True, he can never connect emotionally they way you desire him to.  The death of that dream should be grieved.  A time of mourning is likely necessary--going through all the stages of grief.  When you come to the final stage of grief, acceptance, and then embrace connection with him the only way he knows how to experience connection, life gets better.

Because, then, even the aspergers male will feel a connection with you.  And you will begin to sense that.  Sensing that he, in his way, cherishes you, can change your mourning into joy.  From the ashes can come beauty.

The author also wrote a book "For Men Only" to help men understand women better.  If your aspie is willing to read it, it could be helpful.  If your aspie is like mine, he will have no interest in trying to understand the inner lives of women, and it won't ever be read.  What's new, right?

However, if you sincerely want things to be better, you really should read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn.  And then, with a new, better understanding, seek connection with him.  You won't be sorry.

Tips for the Aspie Female

What I Wish My Aspie Girlfriends Knew About Friendship

1.  I wish all aspies would read Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People.  And take notes.  And work on applying what they read.

Applying the principles in Carnegie's book will draw people to you. It teaches you how to show interest in another person. It focuses on making the other person feel appreciated. It teaches you to shut up and listen. And to ask questions about what someone else is interested in. People are by nature very interested in themselves. So if you act sincerely interested in them, you will be showered with attention.  People will like to be around you!  But a meaningful female friendship takes even more to sustain than Carnegie's book delves into (it was written by a man, you know). 

2.  I wish my aspie girl friends would accept that a close friendship involves mutual sharing.  This is give and take.  This includes asking about the feelings of others.  It also includes sharing your own feelings.  But maybe feelings talk is beyond you.  Okay.  Mutual sharing of some sort is still required.  At least habitually ask something about others.  And habitually share at least a little something about yourself.

Some of my aspie girl friends never ask anything about me.  They talk about topics of interest (that is, topics of interest to them), but never ask about my life, my thoughts, my health, anything.  These are very superficial companions--and it is very hard to feel close to these aspies.

And then I have a few aspie girl friends who ask a lot of questions about my family, my health (no, not about my feelings--are you kidding?), but do not share anything about themselves.  This gets old.  Because friendship should be give and take.  Give of yourself by asking about others, yes.  But the give also involves letting the other person "in" to your life/thoughts/feelings as well. Because too much "giving" of yourself in the realm of mere asking about others . . . can seem like "taking" too much from the other person.

The asker-only aspie can come across as an intense counselor or may even make the NT feel as if she is standing before the Inquisition.  It can be downright frightening at times to be the "special interest" and focus of a female aspie!  These are often the aspie females who will never respond to your questions via email, either.  "How are you?  What did the doctor say?  Are you okay?"  C'mon, aspie girls.  If someone asks you a question it means they care about you.  Please make the time to answer it.  Answering questions about yourself and voluntarily sharing at least a little something about yourself (on a regular basis) is necessary fodder for a solid female friendship.

Sound tricky and confusing and way too difficult?  Not to an NT.  It comes naturally.  Your turn, my turn.  You share, now I share.  I give, now you give.  It's a dance and NTs assimilate this naturally on the playground as wee bairns [children].

If you truly care (and you keep saying that you do) about sustaining friendships with other females, it will take very hard work.  Stop throwing your hands in the air and whining about how you always try and it never works.  Keep trying and keep working.  Read books on friendship. Get interested in the study of friendship.  Make it a scientific research project and determine to master this subject area with the dedication of a PhD student completing a thesis.   Ask questions about others.  Respond to questions via email (quickly).  And share a little something about yourself.  And keep doing all of these things.  Over and over again. 

You can do it.  And we can be friends.

"What the . . . huh?!"

Just when everything has been fine and dandy for a while, a "What the . . . huh?!" moment comes along and knocks you on your rear.

Cuz you did it again.  Your feelings were hurt and you thought he would care that your feelings were hurt.  Ya Big Dummy.  How could you forget like that?  He doesn't give a rat's be-hind about your feelings.  You know that.  C'mon.  You've been told a gazillion times.  When will you ever learn?

But seriously.  It hurts like the dickens, doesn't it?  "What the . . . huh?!" moments are all too frequent in an NT/AS relationship.  And they recur.  No matter how long it's been since the last time it happened, it comes back.  And it hurts.  It's the nature of the beast.  It's self-centered.  "It's all about him/her (the aspie)."  It's never about your feelings.  Your feelings simply do not matter.  All that matters is your smiling, unemotional acceptance of everything life throws your way.

And you forgot again.  You made an attempt to explain why you felt the way you did.  You attempted to share a piece of your heart with him.  But it's just not about you, ya know.  It's only about him!  He doesn't listen or try to understand the feelings-talk.  He gets defensive and feels attacked.  "So it's all my fault?!" is his response to everything you say.  "Damn, you big jerk!" you want to scream back at him.  "Would you just hear that I am in pain and act, even just act, like you care?" 

But I'm not being fair. The rational, logical part of me knows that.  This pain, at its root, is caused by his autism.  He does care about me.  If I have a broken leg, he comprehends that and will even perform acts of kindness that show he cares.  His brain just doesn't comprehend empathy for my feelings.  He doesn't "get it."  And he can't.  And I shouldn't expect him to.

The best analogy I have ever read was on a forum post by cmasp on leprosy.  Leprosy prevents a person from feeling pain.  And so a leper can put their hand into boiling water and not take it out, thus resulting in serious injury.  You can explain PAIN to a leper, but they cannot know what it feels like.  They can be taught to take a hurting person pain medicine, but they don't truly understand.  And the aspie can be taught ways to respond to you, but he isn't going to understand--deeply understand--what you are expecting from him in the realm of empathy.

And so the cycle continues.  I expect the impossible.  I get hurt.  I try to share my hurt and he gets defensive.  Will it never end?  I despair.

But love always hopes.  And God "opens the eyes of the blind."  I believe that.  Maybe, just maybe, I need to quit seeing him as the only one who is blind in this relationship.  Maybe I should hope that God would open my eyes to the wonder of His creating us male and female, autistic and neurotypical.  Maybe I should start hoping that I will rejoice more in these trials that bear the good fruit of making me less selfish, more patient, more tolerant, and more kind.

Maybe if I change what I hope for I'll have less "What the . . . huh?!" moments in this NT/AS relationship.

Maybe?

Let's hope!

Strategies for Arguing with an Aspie

One of my children argues with us all the time. This often leads to meltdowns that have lasted almost two hours. It's exhausting and unnerving. This article has some excellent strategies to help those in an argument with an aspie:

http://www.autismdigest.com/Portals/0/docs/Argue_Jul09.pdf

Relationship Help for Women with Asperger's Syndrome

This year I attended a large autism conference.  There were many excellent talks led by various professionals in the field of autism, but the session that had the most profound effect on me came from a Q and A panel with autistic adults.  I'm still processing and trying to take it all in.

The women with aspergers shared that the most helpful book they have found to improve their relationships is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.  Another book called "The Art of Talking" was mentioned, but I'm sorry to say I'm not sure exactly which book/author they were referring to as there are more than one with similar titles.

It seemed that these female aspies deeply valued being accepted by others, and they were frustrated by how often they are wrongly judged and misunderstood.

Reading and applying the relationship skills advice found in the above mentioned books could be invaluable helps in maintaining and deepening relationships with others.  If you don't learn how to communicate and show concern and care for others in the way they need/want you to, you will have very few good friendships.  If you are unable to reciprocate relationally in the typical fashion, others will feel they are the only one holding the relationship together.  A few maternal, committed types will stick by you.  Most folks will let the relationship go.  But you do have the power to sustain friendships if you realize it takes work and commitment to learn how.  There is hope!  Just don't expect it to be easy. 

The best success will come when you determine to learn absolutely all you can about communicating with others and making friendships flourish.  If this area becomes your special interest and new hobby, you could not only master the skills, but also then be able to teach others about the art of keeping relationships strong!

How to Relate to Women with Aspergers

There are several women with strong autistic traits in the extended family and I am often completely puzzled when I try to understand and communicate with them.  Overall I am finding it very difficult to find information on how to relate to women with asperger's syndrome.  Any links or advice you can share in the comments are most welcome.

What do females with aspergers want from their female friends and relatives?  What is the best way to communicate with women on the autism spectrum? 

I don't sense that they desire to connect emotionally.  I don't sense they have interest in understanding the hearts or minds of NTs.  Generally I sense little interest in improving their own communication skills (because they don't see why that is important or what difference it will make, maybe?).

My best guess is that women on the spectrum simply want to be accepted for who they are.  They want to be unconditionally loved.  They want you to overlook their foibles, understand that they care about you (even though they don't communicate it well), and want you to not take offense (because none was meant).  They want you to smile and seem cheerful and pleased with them.  Don't cry or get too emotional because that is very uncomfortable for them.  If they like you, they want you to spend time with them by doing activities together (and not necessarily talking much).  And that's about it, right?  Nothing more is expected or required . . . ?

To the female aspies reading this . . . know that there are many of us who are trying to maintain good relationships with women on the spectrum.  Please realize we want to understand you and we are working very hard to be "close" to you.  We honestly just don't know how.

Attitude and Actions

A cheerful attitude and kind actions are likely all an aspie wants from his spouse.  Gavin's excellent keywords for understanding aspies and affection are found in his Valentine's post at the Life With Aspergers blog: "Smiles and Hugs." Simple, and oh, so true.  He just wants smiles and hugs! 

Sadly, what aspie males probably don't comprehend is what is required of him to elicit those things from her.  And so the two most important things to him are probably the very last things he tends to get.

For all of this to really work a few steps must be taken. 
1.  First, the NT wife absolutely must give up the hope and expectation that her aspie spouse is or ever will be deeply interested in her innermost thoughts or feelings.  He doesn't have any interest in (or ability to be) 'connecting' with what makes her who she is spiritually and emotionally at the core of her being.  Such a bitter pill to swallow.  But to heal the marriage, it must be swallowed!  And that pill must be swallowed every time the cancerous bitterness creeps back into her heart.  She might lose some hair (from pulling it out in frustration!) while taking this treatment pill, but keep in mind any negative side effects will be worth suffering, to reach the healing outcome ahead.

2.  Next, she must clearly communicate to him that she is deeply *unhappy and needs him to do X, Y, and Z to help make her happy.  X, Y, and Z must be tangible, practical, things/actions that can be carried out by someone with asperger's syndrome.

*(Sometimes 'unhappiness' is not understood by the aspie when explained in words, but may only be understood by some degree of absence of warm attitude and actions.  This is a tough one to grapple with as a Christian, and will be the subject of another post.)

3.  The Aspie must make X, Y, and Z a top priority of things he must do regularly in his life.  This means it comes before paying the bills, before brushing his teeth, before whatever his 'special interest' is.  Before anything that gets the first/most of his time or money should come X, Y, and Z that show his wife he loves her in the ways she wants to be shown.  And so he must swallow his own bitter pill -- one he believes to be a placebo because X, Y, and Z make no sense to his brain and he truly doesn't believe it will make any difference whatsoever in the NT's attitude or actions.

But I can tell you that it will make a difference.  Her attitude and actions will change for the better.  Magically, somehow, without your being able to understand it, those inner workings of the heart will cause outer workings of cheerful attitudes and actions.  Smiles and hugs will reappear.  If, and likely only if, you get to work on her 'Honey Do You Love Me' list of X, Y, Z.

Dwell With Them With Understanding

Okay, this is a word to the Aspie husbands who really want to be loving and understanding toward their wives.  Hopefully your wife understands AS and is able to communicate her thoughts and desires to you in a way that makes sense.  But if she doesn't know how to do this, you should make the first effort to find out what she wants and needs.  The Bible says that husbands are responsible before God to love their wives and to dwell with them in an understanding way.

So here's something you guys can do.  ASK your wife to write down five practical things you can physically do that would make her happy.  It may look like this:
1.  Bring me flowers.
2.  Give me a compliment.
3.  Ask me if I'd like to take a break/nap while you babysit the kids.
4.  Give me a massage.
5.  Take me on a date.  Go to a movie, out to dinner, or once the kids are in bed you can bring home takeout from a nice restaurant, watch a movie, and then do the dishes. 
If she won't write a list, then try ALL of these things I've suggested.  At least one of them should be "her thing".

Here's the kicker.  Try doing at least three things from this list every week.  When she revives from the initial shock, you will likely find her warming up to you as she feels happy, cherished, and loved again.  These frequent displays of love will help melt away her anger and bitterness.  She will know by these varying and physical displays of affection it is better to be with you (weaknesses, frustrations and all) than to be alone. 

I recently read of a man whose wife of many years died unexpectedly.  He found her journals to be full of pain, frustration, and anger at the way he had treated her their entire marriage.  This sent him into a deep depression, with enormous guilt causing him to ask "How could I have been so hurtful and thoughtless to my wife?"  Don't be that man, finding those journals, and beating yourself up once it's too late to show love to your wife in a way that communicates love to her in her way.

You say you love her.  Go find out what communicates love to her and SHOW HER . . . NOW!

Peter 3:7  "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered."

Ephesians 5:25-33:  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.

NT/AS Clue: The "Trigger Phrase"

NT/AS Clue:  Agree on a "Trigger Phrase" that is code for stopping all further communication on a topic until BOTH of you are calm.

Scenario:
NT shares her heart.
AS either says the wrong thing or nothing at all.
NT gets angry.
AS gets defensive.
ALL OUT WAR.

However, if the NT/AS couple have an agreed on "trigger phrase" that means all communication on that topic must immediately cease, there can be peace.

New Scenario:
NT is sad, angry, etc.
AS defensively says "What's wrong? or What did I do now?"
NT feels emotion welling up, but says the trigger phrase instead.
AS recognizes trigger phrase and stops talking (no questioning or following out of the room allowed).
PEACE.

Or it may look like this:
NT is ranting and raving at the aspie.
AS says the trigger phrase.
NT stops talking.
PEACE.

Granted, this is severe and merely a temporary solution, because it does not bring final resolution.  But until the new patterns of NT/AS communication can be successfully and rationally employed, the trigger phrase can be used to bring peace ("Cease Fire").  This time allows the NT the ability to "cool down" and be rational and allows the aspie time to let down some defenses that have become his automatic protective measures.

Examples of trigger phrases:  "Let's wait." "Let's talk later."  "Let's take a break."  "Let's stop."  Whatever you both agree on can work. 

Note: The aspie must understand that the phrase is not to be taken literally.  Otherwise he may refuse to use it, because he may not ever want to "talk later" about the topic!  :)  He must know that it is simply code for "let's stop and both calm down."  Sometimes, once emotions are calm, one may realize the issue wasn't that important anyway and it may never need to come up again.  If it does need to be discussed later, true progress can be made only while calm and rational anyway.  This is a win-win situation. 

Most Importantly:
It is absolutely vital that each partner agrees to take responsibility to both use and adhere to the agreed upon trigger phrase if they ever want to see improvement in their relationship.

Aspies Have Feelings, Too.

It's true.  Aspies have feelings, too, and their feelings can get hurt.  But because they don't know how to verbalize and express their feelings well (especially in times of stress), we NT wives may think our aspie spouses are made of stone.  And so we might treat them as if they are made of stone.  Anger, yelling, and long emotional monologues about unmet needs and deep unhappiness are all attacks to the aspie.  These attacks must stop.

We must realize there could be much tension, confusion, depression, or even despair going on internally for the aspie.  He may be thinking such things as "What did I do now?  Why is she upset about something so trivial?  Doesn't she know how hard I am trying?  Every attempt I make is unappreciated.  Nothing makes her happy.  She makes no sense!"  He feels attacked.  Anger and bitterness take root in his heart.  His first response becomes defensive.  He may withdraw, retreat, and put up a wall to protect himself. This is his necessary self-preservation as he sees no other alternative that will work.

Walls like this can take a long time to break down.  Diagnosis of Aspergers sometimes starts the process.  But if he is unwilling to learn anything about AS, it has to start with a "Cease Fire" on the part of the NT.

The NT must realize the hidden pain her aspie spouse feels.  She must learn to STOP her emotional outbursts.  She must learn not to communicate until and unless she can be calm and rational.  But the NT cannot all of a sudden develop super-human self-control over her emotions.  And so the aspie must agree to help her learn better self-control over her emotions.  This can be done if each partner agrees to use and adhere to a "trigger phrase" that serves as a code word for stopping all further communication on a topic until BOTH of them are calm.  Once they are both calm, the conversation can resume.

The time of "Cease Fire" will allow the aspie time to safely come out of hiding and eventually he should be ready and able to learn, with her help, a new pattern of communicating with his NT wife.  Be patient, but know there is hope.  You will begin to see your aspie soften toward you.  He will become less defensive as he feels more safe.  And this is real progress.  One step at a time.

Aspies, Affection and Connection

The Bible tells us that Jacob had two wives, but Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah. I asked my aspie spouse what he thought the difference was in Jacob loving Rachel more than Leah.  There was nothing in his response about "connection" or anything about "feeling" more for her.  He perceives the difference was only in his actions.  He said the difference must be that he "showed more affection to Rachel in some way."

How do aspies understand and express affection and connection? 
1.  Like-mindedness and agreement is "connection".
2.  Being in the same space (same room, even if not talking) is expressing affection.  Wanting the person to be in the same space is connection.
3.  Physical touch can be his way of expressing affection and connection.
4.  Doing things for someone (ex., helping around the house) is expressing affection.

In the movie Adam, the AS man explains what it means when he says he loves the (NT) woman as wanting her with him and needing her to help him.  "I'd be lost without you" is an expression of how much value and love is felt by the aspie toward his spouse.  We need to understand that this is not a negative thing.  The Bible says that God made Eve to be Adam's helpmeet.  It was not good for Adam to be alone, and so he made a woman suitable for him.  Maybe for wives of aspies, we have a little deeper understanding of what it means to fulfill that helper role to our particular husbands. 

I hope Christian wives of aspies will be encouraged that you, with your particular strengths and gifts, were created as a suitable helper for your husband.  And even though he may not feel connection as emotionally as you do, that doesn't mean there is not true love there.  He probably deeply values you and loves you for the help that you are to him, even if he does not communicate it in the way you desire.

Future post will explore ways to help him learn to express this love in a way that communicates it better to an NT.

Don't Lose Hope

The most discouraging (okay, devastating) thing when an NT woman first begins to understand Asperger's is that she begins to lose all hope.  Any hope she had for change in her partner disappears and so she loses all hope for positive change in the relationship. 

Biblical counsel says "Love always hopes.  You can't lose hope!"  But what the suffering spouse must understand and the counselor must point out in order to truly help their counselee, is that with autism in the mix, the spouse must change what she hopes for.  She cannot hope he will be a Neuro-typical ("normal") person.  She cannot hope her relationship will ever look like she always believed it would/should/could.  But there is most certainly hope, and this includes hope for better communication between them.

She absolutely can, with a lot of dedication and work, learn the language of Asperger's.  It won't ever be instinctual to her, because she is wired with a different first language.  But as she begins to learn and conversationally use this new language (which uses English words but applies totally different meanings to many of those words), she will be able to communicate with her aspie spouse in a way she never has before.  Finally speaking his native language, she can then (and likely only then) be able to help him learn hers (and thus he will come to learn more about her). 

There really, truly is hope for an NT/AS relationship.  And this hope includes being able to better communicate with one another.

"Love always hopes."  1 Corinthians 13

Acceptance of Aspergers

No, my husband is not accepting that he has Aspergers.  But I think maybe I finally am.  By that I mean that I am moving beyond the grief, anger, and disappointment that has lasted over a year and am ready to make serious changes in myself to make our marriage a happier one.

The grief and barrage of negative emotions is very real and I believe must be worked through.  Acknowledging to yourself that you are disappointed but are still committed to the relationship is so important.  You can then get to the point where you know certain things will never be a part of your marriage and you can strive to enjoy the good and learn to best deal with the rest.

So all those logical steps we read about for communicating with an aspie begin to be more than just words on a page.  It finally makes sense when one embraces that:

1.  He speaks a totally different language.  He really does!  So if you want to communicate with him, learn his language!  Maybe he's not attempting to learn yours, but you can still try to learn his.  Blogs and forums that share first-hand experience and insights are invaluable helps.

2.  He needs for you to love him his way.  If you are calm, happy, and not very emotional, you will make him feel safe, secure, and happy.  This means that you need to take care of yourself.  Find ways to relax.  Make sure you have an outlet to chat with other NTs, and learn to be a happy person without relying on him to meet any of your emotional needs.

3.  You must avoid the NT communication patterns of long talks about your emotions.  Don't keep going on and on, don't get louder, and don't show anger expecting that he will understand you mean business about being really hurt.  NTs will "get" that.  Your aspie will just be frustrated and he will NOT "get" it.  Whenever you start to get upset, STOP talking and don't continue the discussion again until you can be calm, rational, and concise with every sentence.

4.  You should be thankful for the way he shows love to you.  It may be often overlooked as it is expressed daily, maybe in seemingly small ways.  It may never be verbalized.  But it is there if you look hard enough.  Be thankful and express appreciation.

5.  You may find that he brings out the worst in you.  The reality is "out of the overflow of our hearts, our mouths speak."  The ugliness you are seeing is there and likely has always been there, though previously it may have been hidden to you and others.  He may be the instrument God is using to show it to you, so that you can grow and become a better person!

It is vitally important to realize that you have had lots of NT expectations of what makes a good relationship.  And now you have to let those expectations go and accept that this is a whole new ballgame.  This NT/AS relationship is very different and always will be different from what you've understood relationships to be like.  But your relationship with your AS spouse can be rewarding and fulfilling if you are willing to work on yourself  (and stop trying to work on him) to make it so.

"Asperger Moments"

A quote worth memorizing:

"Even at the most painful moments, try to detach and see the 'Asperger Moment' for what it is -- a statement of fact, not emotion."

from the 2009 book Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? Practical Steps to Saving You and Your Relationship by Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D.