Friday, November 29, 2013

Conflict with a Female who has Asperger's Syndrome

Oh, HELP.  Holiday drama time is here again.

Conflict, conflict, conflict.  This time with a woman who has Asperger's.

Her "feelings are hurt."  She is demanding certain actions and behaviors from another person.  She "takes no delight in understanding, but only in airing her own opinions."  (Which the Bible calls a fool, btw.)

There is zero desire to hear the other person's perspective (of course).  There is no compassion or empathy for the struggles the other person is going through.  There is an air of superiority, and there are many demands to have her own way.  Guilt messages are vomited out of her mouth.  And it's all making me sick.

There is no point in trying to share a different perspective, right?  So, what do you do?  Really.  What do you do? 

Reading, and re-reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.  The chapter that deals with Guilt Messages is excellent.  This relationship may completely break down, for a time, anyway.  And that might be a necessary, and eventually, a productive thing.


Difficult, Disappointing, or Destructive? Video Channel

Great YouTube Channel from Leslie Vernick on the Emotionally Destructive Marriage or Relationship!

Several videos from the author of "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" Leslie Vernick:

Monday, November 25, 2013

For Women Only

"For Women Only:  What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn is a must-read for every female on the planet.  "For Women Only" on Amazon

And for Christian wives of aspies, in particular, this eye-opener could be key to changing your marriage for the better.  Without going into too much graphic detail, we women need to realize that physical intimacy for most men, is the way the male experiences emotional connection.

We may be known for behaving like this: Since my Asperger's husband is not connecting with me emotionally, there's no way I will connect with him physically (meaning intimately; forgive the prudish skirting around technical, literal terms.  The reason is simply that I don't want the keywords I use to draw the wrong kind of traffic to this blog--been there done that, and it wasn't pretty cleaning up all the spam that resulted.). 

If physical intimacy is the way he connects emotionally, our refusal to meet him in that way is making us just as bad, just as wrong, as he is for not meeting our needs emotionally.  The difference is that the aspergers man cannot connect with you emotionally.  But you, on the other hand, do have the power to connect with him, the (only) way he is able to connect.

But that's not fair!  I know.  Why should I be the one to give, when he isn't giving to me?  I understand.  Yet, know what?  Something incredible happens when you change into a responsive, warm, inviting wife in this area.  It may take some time for his walls to come down, if you have previously been harsh (as I was, from the time I first discovered he had aspergers), but when they do . . . there is connection.  There really is!

True, he can never connect emotionally they way you desire him to.  The death of that dream should be grieved.  A time of mourning is likely necessary--going through all the stages of grief.  When you come to the final stage of grief, acceptance, and then embrace connection with him the only way he knows how to experience connection, life gets better.

Because, then, even the aspergers male will feel a connection with you.  And you will begin to sense that.  Sensing that he, in his way, cherishes you, can change your mourning into joy.  From the ashes can come beauty.

The author also wrote a book "For Men Only" to help men understand women better.  If your aspie is willing to read it, it could be helpful.  If your aspie is like mine, he will have no interest in trying to understand the inner lives of women, and it won't ever be read.  What's new, right?

However, if you sincerely want things to be better, you really should read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn.  And then, with a new, better understanding, seek connection with him.  You won't be sorry.