Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Just Accept It, Even If It Doesn't Make Sense, Okay?

Okay, aspie friends, we come to an impasse over and over again.  We explain something you can do to help our relationship.  Something you can do that will make us feel better, that will make us happier.

But it doesn't make sense to you.  So you don't do it.

And then we get mad.  And that anger takes root and turns into bitterness.  And then we start to really, really hate you.  Sad, but true.  And yes, that anger/bitterness/hatred part is something we have to work out ourselves, apart from you.  It's an internal struggle.

But there are things you can do to make that root disappear more easily and more quickly.  There are things you could have done to prevent it from growing so quickly and strongly in the first place.  You watered it.  You helped it flourish.  We are responsible, ultimately, for it.  But you played a part, however unknowingly.

When we tell you what is important to us, please (for the sake of our happiness as well as your own):


Accept that we NTs aren't going to make sense.  Accept that when we say something is important to us, IT IS IMPORTANT, even if it is "senseless" to you.

Small talk.  Hugs.  Flowers.  Diamonds.  A pet. 

Our dreams.  Our fears.  Our happiness.  Our tears.

They matter.  Take note.  Remember.  And act on it.

Last night my aspie husband brought home a large plastic tarantula.  And I am hurt.  Deeply, deeply hurt.  It just makes me ill.  I am severely arachniphobic and for all of their lives my children (at least they remember!) know I have "banned" any toy spiders from entering this house, and all of sudden he just 'forgets' that?  I take this as him forgetting who I am.  Forgetting what matters to me.  Forgetting to think about me.  Forgetting to love me.

You can explain away the aspie brain all you want.  It still HURTS MY FEELINGS and was a careless, insensitive, and thoughtless thing to do.   He wasn't thinking about me at all.

Whether purposeful or not, it was an UNLOVING thing to do.

And things like this are par for the course in an NT/AS marriage.

And so I struggle and work on forgiving him and getting over my hurt.  And he?  Well, he brushes it off as ridiculous because "that doesn't make sense."  It's a senseless thing to get upset over, he thinks.

Who's doing all the work now?  Where's the one-sidedness now? 

Just accept it when we tell you something is important.  Please.