New Resource by the Best AS/NT Author!

The very clearest explanations of how Aspergers Syndrome affects a relationship with an NT partner are found in Ashley Stanford's book "Aspergers Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships."  That was my Aspergers bible when I started this journey, and I strongly recommend every NT who is in any sort of relationship (but particularly a romantic one) with an aspie, read that book, even before reading any others.  It simply hits the nail on the head for the NT partner who is struggling to understand the crazy AS/NT journey (that now finally has a name!) that she has been on.

When I recently stumbled upon a new book by Ms. Stanford, I could not wait to purchase it.  Troubleshooting Relationships on the Autism Spectrum: A User's Guide to Resolving Relationship Problems by Ashley Stanford.

Hope these resources help you as much as they have helped me!

aspmom

In an Asperger's Marriage or Relationship? Grieving the Death of the Dream

An asperger's diagnostician informed me that 80% of children diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism) have either a parent or a grandparent (likely undiagnosed) on the autism spectrum.

Many parents have a light bulb "aha" moment after the diagnosis of a child.  "AHA!  So THIS explains why my spouse (or parent) has always done such and such.  He (or she) has traits consistent with autism!"

And the relief of finally having a name to go with the confusing characteristics and behaviors is quickly followed by grief.  Please know that this grief is normal, and oh, so common. 

After going through the grief myself over the past five years, my advice to you is to go with it.  Don't fight it.  The dream of ever having a normal, typical relationship with your autistic loved ones is over.  GRIEVE! 

It's okay to have been in denial.  Don't beat yourself up if you had been denying the symptoms in the past.  You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.  And it's fine to be angry.  But try very hard not to take the anger out on those around you.  Journal.  Pray.  Confide in a highly empathic friend, or seek a good counselor during this time, to help you process all the emotions you are feeling.

Familiarize yourself with the stages of grief:  http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/  But most importantly, call this what it is.  This is the DEATH of a dream.  GRIEF of a true loss.

As you are able to better understand what you are truly going through, post-diagnosis, you will grow, and then be better able to take care of the differently-abled people in your life.

When He Won't Acknowledge He Has Asperger's

It's been a couple of years now, and my aspie spouse still won't read anything about asperger's syndrome.  I recently asked him if his mom, his sister, his wife, and a psychologist all told him they believe he has asperger's syndrome . . . would he believe it?  You know what he said?

 "Probably not."

Well, alrighty then!  So . . . that leaves me where?  Right where I've always been.  Reading, researching, doing all I can to communicate as best I can.  It's all on me.  As it's always been.

Gulp.

Big Sigh.

I'm learning to take this one day at a time.  One issue at a time.  The big picture is overwhelming, I know.  But at this exact moment, I'm doing okay.  Live moment by moment, ladies!  That's the best advice I can give you (or anyone, really).

Top Ten Survival Strategies for the Aspie's Wife

As an NT in an aspergers marriage, I struggle daily.  The good news is that as I learn more about AS, the struggles are lessened in severity.  But when I began this journey, I had no quick-reference survival strategy to help me focus. 

A year into the journey, I now have a list of the top ten most important things to remember during the difficult times.  This all presupposes an acceptance that aspergers is a reality in your life (and I believe it to be ordained by God to be a part of my marriage).  Here are some practical strategies and vital points to remember, in no particular order.

1.  Don't EVER talk to him while emotional (at least not until you learn how to speak his language).  Take your emotions elsewhere.  (I pray and journal.)

2.  If you want something done quickly, do it yourself.

3.  If you ever need anything, clearly say exactly what you need.  Remember you cannot ask for empathy/understanding or other emotional responses.

4.  If you ever want anything (including gifts), ask for exactly what you want.

5.  If you want verbal praise or compliments, write a list and ask for him to say something from the list.  Ask him to do this on a regular basis.   

6.  Deal with the anger and bitterness in your heart.  Whether you realize it or not, it is there.  You probably have anger toward him and at God. 

7.  Study forgiveness.  Learn what it truly means to forgive and to be forgiven.  Then forgive daily, 500 times per day, if necessary.

8.  Make a list of his strengths.  Be thankful and express appreciation for them.

9.  Read the list of his strengths and remember why you married him.

10.  Show him respect in your tone of voice, in your words to him, and in the way you talk about him to others.  Pray to be able to respect him in your heart.

In the beginning of understanding Aspergers Syndrome and how it affects your marriage, the emotions are simply overwhelming.  It's nearly impossible to think or to act rationally during this time.  I hope these clear-cut steps give you some helpful direction during those "how do I survive" moments.  Keep in mind that as you learn more about AS, and learn how to communicate in aspie language, things will get better.  It can get better than it is right now.  You have to take one day at a time.

Don't Lose Hope

The most discouraging (okay, devastating) thing when an NT woman first begins to understand Asperger's is that she begins to lose all hope.  Any hope she had for change in her partner disappears and so she loses all hope for positive change in the relationship. 

Biblical counsel says "Love always hopes.  You can't lose hope!"  But what the suffering spouse must understand and the counselor must point out in order to truly help their counselee, is that with autism in the mix, the spouse must change what she hopes for.  She cannot hope he will be a Neuro-typical ("normal") person.  She cannot hope her relationship will ever look like she always believed it would/should/could.  But there is most certainly hope, and this includes hope for better communication between them.

She absolutely can, with a lot of dedication and work, learn the language of Asperger's.  It won't ever be instinctual to her, because she is wired with a different first language.  But as she begins to learn and conversationally use this new language (which uses English words but applies totally different meanings to many of those words), she will be able to communicate with her aspie spouse in a way she never has before.  Finally speaking his native language, she can then (and likely only then) be able to help him learn hers (and thus he will come to learn more about her). 

There really, truly is hope for an NT/AS relationship.  And this hope includes being able to better communicate with one another.

"Love always hopes."  1 Corinthians 13

What Do All These Abbreviations Mean?

I currently only know a few of the abbreviations, but will try to add more as I learn them.

AS = Asperger's Syndrome
ASD = Autism Spectrum Disorders
"Aspie" = affectionate name for someone with Asperger's
HFA = high functioning autism
ND = neurological disorders
NT = person who is neuro typical or "normal"
PDD = pervasive developmental disorders

And I Believe My Husband is an Aspie, too

While I only felt relief that we had likely discovered the root of our daughter's problems, the more I read about Asperger's, the more convinced I became that my husband is an aspie, too. Several (though not all) of the symptoms describe him perfectly. So much of what I read explained the cause of each of the major difficulties I have faced in our marriage over the past decade. There have actually only been a few difficult areas, but they run deep and come up over and over again. I've heard that many couples have the same One Big Fight manifested in different forms. Now I believe ours may all be classified under "AS"! I have a wonderful, loving, kind, and hardworking husband. AS or no AS, I would marry him again a thousand times over and would never want to be married to anyone else. I love him with all that I am and thank God for bringing us together.

But relief over the diagnosis for my child turned to grief over the diagnosis for my spouse. The emotions are almost too complex to process. The more I read, the more things "click" and the harder it is to realize that the things that are hardest for me to handle may not ever, ever change because at it's root, maybe it is not a sinful behavior issue after all . . . it's a neurological disorder. Maybe he really, truly, honestly doesn't get it when he hurts my feelings by his lack of empathy, and he actually cannot understand my point of view. WOW! Talk about a lightbulb moment for me.

In the midst of processing the grief, there is comfort in knowing that when we come to understand what causes a certain behavior, we can then deal with it. I can study and approach the disorder knowledgeably and then dwell in a more understanding way with the hardships that come from it. I wouldn't trade the strengths of his characteristics of AS for anything. I love and admire his focus, determination, deep interest in topics such as religion and politics, organization skills, and how hardworking and successful he is in his career. There is much to be thankful for.

But in these first weeks of discovery of Asperger's in my family, the hardest part has been how alone I feel. My husband jokingly admitted at first that he had some of the symptoms, but the more I read and pointed out, the more he withdrew. He is not admitting that he has AS, he is not researching it yet, and is obviously uncomfortable at this point discussing it with me. So who can I talk to?

I have searched forums and found it common for NT (neuro-typical or "normal") spouses of Aspies to bash their AS husbands. It is unhelpful and discouraging for me to read such discussions. Yes, if your husband has AS, you will suffer to some degree from the hardships it causes in a marriage. And physical abuse certainly warrants immediate separation. But where are the Christian wives who love their non-abusive AS husbands and want to help them? Where are the ladies who can empathize with my emotions while also urging me on to deeper understanding and respect for my husband?

That's why I'm starting this blog. I certainly don't have the answers. I don't even know all the questions to ask at this point. But it will be a journey of faith, of love, of trial, of growth. I'm blogging to share that journey with other Christian women who find themselves going down this path. I'm there right now, and I want to remember the struggle so I might be able to help someone else down the road. If you can encourage me in your comments, please do. Please share sites, articles, or anything that will help me, and help me . . . to help them.

She's Not Outgrowing This After All

For years we've struggled with our daughter's odd social behavior, odd tones, odd mannerisms. She says and does things that come across as immature, rude, and obnoxious. My husband had often commented to me over the years that something must be wrong with her but I always dismissed it. I was frightfully shy as a child but I "got over it". I kept telling him she would outgrow this and we didn't need to worry.

But I was shy. I was not oblivious to what others thought of me. I would cower and not speak. She is the first to volunteer to be on stage at children's shows, completely unaware how she comes across. She makes odd noises, doesn't know what to do with her hands or how to carry herself, has repetitive speech, has no sense of another's personal space, and desires friends but is avoided by her peers.

A friend had once told me a little about Asperger's. My daughter's latest meltdown led me to google the term. This started the whirlwind I've been in the past few weeks. Once I began researching Asperger's, we saw that almost all of the symptoms perfectly described our daughter. Our response was sheer RELIEF! We were just so relieved to finally understand there may be something neurological causing her to act the way she does. We have tried so hard for so long to get her to change her odd behaviors and nothing has ever seemed to work. We can learn how to help her now! We don't know what's ahead on this journey of life for our child with Asperger's, but we are looking forward to finding out all that we can.