Consequences and Nondefensive Communication

Another great book worth having at your fingertips for frequent reference is "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward.  The author states that "Nondefensive communication always works!" And she is absolutely correct.

Over the past few months, I have worked hard at communicating more effectively with the aspies in my life, especially with the ones who tend to be rather angry.  My getting defensive, yelling, crying, seeking to argue, justify, or give reasonable explanations, only escalated problems.  Two major changes, however, have impacted my life immensely.

1.). Consequences.  Set a boundary line around issues and areas that need help, and start protecting your time, energy, heart, and life.  Be calm and clear.  After asking nicely that your aspie take your feelings into consideration (which they likely won't and/or just won't know how to manage such a feat), state the consequence for failing to take care of your comfort or health.  "I feel scared.  If you do not stop speeding on these dangerous roads, I will find another way home from the event."  "My pain level is bad this week.  If you do not put the in-laws in a hotel when they come to visit, I will go stay in a hotel myself until they leave." "I'm not willing to be yelled at. I'm leaving." Sound too harsh? An NT would not as likely need such directness along with a consequence, after explaining one's emotional turmoil or health problems that are affected in a given scenario, but your aspie might.

2.) In an argument, use Nondefensive answers only and refuse to justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself.   For memory's sake, the book gives the acronym JADE (don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain).  I prefer more grim terms, and use the acronym DEAD (Don't Explain, Argue, or Defend).  Because if there will be no chance of reaching mutual understanding, the sooner the argument is killed the better!
Most importantly, one should commit to memory a list of Nondefensive answers:

"I'm sorry you're upset."
"I understand how you might see it that way."
"Really?"
"You're entitled to your opinion."
"This is the way it has to be."
"I need to think about this more."

and one more time . . . The one phrase that can be used in any conversation that will bring an argument to a close . . . "I'M SORRY YOU ARE UPSET." (aka "I'm sorry you feel that way.")

Respond with that one phrase and always remember your goal for heated arguments.

DEAD.

Don't Explain, Argue, or Defend!  

What?  You disagree?

I'm sorry you feel that way.  ;)

New Resource by the Best AS/NT Author!

The very clearest explanations of how Aspergers Syndrome affects a relationship with an NT partner are found in Ashley Stanford's book "Aspergers Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships."  That was my Aspergers bible when I started this journey, and I strongly recommend every NT who is in any sort of relationship (but particularly a romantic one) with an aspie, read that book, even before reading any others.  It simply hits the nail on the head for the NT partner who is struggling to understand the crazy AS/NT journey (that now finally has a name!) that she has been on.

When I recently stumbled upon a new book by Ms. Stanford, I could not wait to purchase it.  Troubleshooting Relationships on the Autism Spectrum: A User's Guide to Resolving Relationship Problems by Ashley Stanford.

Hope these resources help you as much as they have helped me!

aspmom

Toxic

From the book Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward:  "People can only give what they can give, and can only be who they are.  We are all limited in certain ways, and we are all the product of our own history.  Let go of resentment.  Find realistic acceptance of what can and cannot be regarding the relationship."

What can your aspie not help being, and what can he choose to help?  The aspie may not be able to help that he only sees things from his own perspective, due to his brain wiring.  This means, in my situation, that he will believe I am always wrong anytime we disagree/differ.  I can expect him to believe I am always wrong.  I can accept that it is pointless to try and share my perspective or ever reach mutual understanding.  But he can choose to be calm rather than out of control.  He can be held responsible for speaking in anger.

I've struggled "through the pain and error that so often create wisdom" (Toxic In-Laws).  Struggled so hard to find "realistic acceptance of what can, and cannot be, in a relationship" with all of the difficult people in my life.

From Foolproofing Your Life:  "Your goal cannot be to have the fool change; instead, your goal must be to find a personal freedom that allows you to be the person God intends for you to be, no matter what choices your fool makes.  Turn from being consumed by the behavior of your fool."

FOUND! A Christian Counselor for an Aspergers Marriage!

Check out this link:

Several good articles for the Christian living with Aspergers Syndrome

The link above has some good articles for the Christian, or Christian spouse of someone with Asperger's Syndrome or high functioning autism (as it is now called).

Best of all, there IS now a Christian counselor and marriage and family therapist who is very familiar with autism and Aspergers!  Go to: CounselorStephanieHolmes(dot)com for contact info.  She has both personal experience in her own life, and professional experience, with autism spectrum disorders.

AND . . . Drum roll . . . This Christian counselor will counsel patients all over the world via Skype, so no worries if her office is too far away.  That may sound iffy, but I vouch for her.  This counselor is legit.  She knows her autism stuff, and seems biblically solid, too.  I recently attended  a large conference where she was speaking.  I am in no way getting compensation or anything for recommending this therapist.  I'm just so thrilled SOMEONE has the skills to counsel women and men in Aspergers marriages.

 C'mon therapists and counselors out there....the future is here!  These Aspergers kiddos diagnosed in the 1990s will be getting married soon, and there will be gazillions of spouses seeking therapists with knowledge of autism.  This is seriously an untapped gold mine in the future of the counseling field. Aspie spouses may be the very best therapists due to their personal experience and wisdom acquired over the years.  So if looking for a field to study or career change . . . consider counseling with an emphasis on autism and families with special needs.

Learning to Trust Again

The single most helpful book I have read to date throughout my asperger's syndrome journey is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.  The second is like it, but goes deeper, once a person is ready to go deeper.  "Beyond Boundaries:  Learning to Trust Again in Relationships" by Dr. John Townsend is worth adding to your bookshelf or Kindle.

It's rare for a Christian to be biblically counseled that it's okay necessary sometimes to set strict limits on what behaviors one will put up with from a spouse, relative, coworker, or friend.  When hurt becomes harm, it's time to set protective limits around oneself.  Such limits may even mean ending the relationship entirely. 

And that's okay, too.

Difficult, Disappointing, or Destructive? Video Channel

Great YouTube Channel from Leslie Vernick on the Emotionally Destructive Marriage or Relationship!

Several videos from the author of "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" Leslie Vernick:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3IYGT8rM_0&list=UUb80rbYCcnTUYMJGsla7NYQ

For Women Only

"For Women Only:  What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn is a must-read for every female on the planet.  "For Women Only" on Amazon

And for Christian wives of aspies, in particular, this eye-opener could be key to changing your marriage for the better.  Without going into too much graphic detail, we women need to realize that physical intimacy for most men, is the way the male experiences emotional connection.

We may be known for behaving like this: Since my Asperger's husband is not connecting with me emotionally, there's no way I will connect with him physically (meaning intimately; forgive the prudish skirting around technical, literal terms.  The reason is simply that I don't want the keywords I use to draw the wrong kind of traffic to this blog--been there done that, and it wasn't pretty cleaning up all the spam that resulted.). 

If physical intimacy is the way he connects emotionally, our refusal to meet him in that way is making us just as bad, just as wrong, as he is for not meeting our needs emotionally.  The difference is that the aspergers man cannot connect with you emotionally.  But you, on the other hand, do have the power to connect with him, the (only) way he is able to connect.

But that's not fair!  I know.  Why should I be the one to give, when he isn't giving to me?  I understand.  Yet, know what?  Something incredible happens when you change into a responsive, warm, inviting wife in this area.  It may take some time for his walls to come down, if you have previously been harsh (as I was, from the time I first discovered he had aspergers), but when they do . . . there is connection.  There really is!

True, he can never connect emotionally they way you desire him to.  The death of that dream should be grieved.  A time of mourning is likely necessary--going through all the stages of grief.  When you come to the final stage of grief, acceptance, and then embrace connection with him the only way he knows how to experience connection, life gets better.

Because, then, even the aspergers male will feel a connection with you.  And you will begin to sense that.  Sensing that he, in his way, cherishes you, can change your mourning into joy.  From the ashes can come beauty.

The author also wrote a book "For Men Only" to help men understand women better.  If your aspie is willing to read it, it could be helpful.  If your aspie is like mine, he will have no interest in trying to understand the inner lives of women, and it won't ever be read.  What's new, right?

However, if you sincerely want things to be better, you really should read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn.  And then, with a new, better understanding, seek connection with him.  You won't be sorry.

from "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend

I highly recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

Some noteworthy tidbits:

and what aspie spouses dream their aspies would comprehend-- "Another part of the 'you are not me' concept is the ability to see another person for who she is apart from what we need or want from her and to love and appreciate that person for who she is . . . . To cherish someone's existence apart from you and apart from what you get from that person . . . To see the other person as distinct and separate from you --a person in her own right, with value and wonderful things about her that have nothing to do with gratifying you in any way other than pure appreciation.  This is the joy of just knowing a person."

From Proverbs-- "Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you.  Rebuke a wise man and he will love you."

"People in denial are deaf to words of truth.  Just using words will not get the message across.  They only respond to pain and loss.  Separation or distancing may be necessary."

"Someone who is boundary resistant will deny, rationalize, and blame.  The nature of resistance:  an opposition to seeing or owning an issue."

"A boundary without a consequence is 'nagging.'" 

"Be prepared to meet with resistance [when you first begin using boundaries in your marriage]."

"God uses your need within your marriage to reorient you to a growing love relationship with Him as the source of your life."

Reading the original book "Boundaries" before reading "Boundaries in Marriage" would be most helpful.  Introducing boundaries--and enforcing them with practical consequences--has been life-changing.  Thank you Cloud and Townsend!

Problem Solving and Cross Bearing

Just have to pop in and share this helpful resource for Christian spouses who are married to someone with Aspergers Syndrome.  The book is Family Vocation:  God's Calling in Marriage, Parenting, and Childhood by Gene Edward Veith jr. and Mary J. Moerbe.  Also available with Kindle app.

I've only read some of the chapter on marriage and it's got some powerful points.  Some very strong emphasis on authority and submission (maybe a little too strong even for me, ahem), but some helpful meat for aspie spouses to chew on as well.

Here's a morsel from page 99 of 233: 

"Spouses should also realize that in this fallen world, not all problems can be solved.  A cross cannot be made to disappear by applying some simple formula or technique.  A cross has to be borne.  Distinguishing between problems and crosses can be very helpful, practically speaking.  A problem, such as a disagreement, may indeed have a solution.  But something like grief or a disability or an intransigent characteristic of one's spouse cannot be "fixed" but only borne."

But wait, there's more.  :)  You're not left with 'grin and bear it' or even just 'hang in there' but rather with encouragement about forgiveness, the importance of not suffering alone but rather reaching out to other Christians to help you, the fact that we are all sinners, etc.

So what is Aspergers, huh?  A problem to be solved?  Hmmm... the communication troubles are problems that can (sometimes) be worked through.  But the "intransigent characteristic of one's spouse"?  Well, that . . . aspergers . . . must be borne.

Keep chewing and chewing so you can break it up until able to swallow. 

Try super hard not to spit, okay?

:)

Are You a Christian Whose Spouse Has Aspergers Syndrome?

The book I am recommending (aka SCREAMING FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT YOU NEED TO PURCHASE RIGHT THIS MINUTE, available on the free downloadable amazon kindle app to your phone or computer!) below will certainly not be characteristic of all aspies.  Some acknowledge their diagnosis and sincerely work hard on their relationships.  But many do not.  Which leaves many spouses in despair.

In the back of "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship Book" by Leslie Vernick she lists other helpful resources.  One is called "Foolproofing Your Life:  How to Deal Effectively With the Impossible People in Your Life" by Jan Silvious.  Here's a quote:

"The reason you remain in turmoil is that you are trying to relate to someone who has some wonderful qualities mixed with a perplexing set of destructive characteristics.  In the beginning you may have admired this person, but soon you found yourself mired in the chaos that seems to characterize the relationship.  One minute you hear your own laughter, and you hope against hope that all is well.  The next minute you're on the defensive in response to some inane comment or emotional jab made at you by this one to whom you are trying to relate.  If you protest, invariably the person denies he has said or done anything inappropriate.  In a few twists of the facts, he tries to convince you that you're a bitter person or just 'oversensitive.'  When you've been labeled with all other conceivable insults, there sometimes comes the appellation you hate more than any other:  'crazy.'  It leaves you bleeding.  What can you possibly do or say to counter that one?  By the the time the encounter is over, you are kicking yourself for even mentioning that you have feelings."

And that, my friends, was found on page seven.  The plot thickens and gets so much richer as you continue to read.  Here I've been struggling, thinking the Bible just does not address the particular relational issues that come with Asperger's Syndrome.  Thinking the average Christian counselor won't know how to deal with this unique scenario.  Well, that simply ain't true.  And this book shows you exactly where you need to turn in God's Word to glean the wisdom and answers you need right now.

Simply stunned at the moment,

aspmom

More Resources

Commenters have suggested "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship Book" by Leslie Vernick.  Thank you all for the great recommendation!  This very biblical resource should prove helpful to both men and women who are struggling with difficult relationships.

Best Asperger's Marriage Book!

Written by a man with Asperger's Syndrome, The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch, is the only "autism book" that has ever made me deeply empathize with someone who has aspergers.

The author clearly has strong autistic traits . . . and he writes of his very deep love and appreciation for his wife.  Ummmm . . . wow?  Uncommon, almost unrealistic, and yet, oh, so encouraging!

Full of extremely foul language and definitely rated R for adult content (so much so that I may not keep it around for fear of my children picking it up and reading it), I heartily recommend that all aspie's wives read this book.

Here's a post that introduces the book, written by the book's author:  http://jerobison.blogspot.com/2011/12/love-is-blind-marriage-is-eye-opener.html

 

On Grief and Letting Go

From the book Boundaries:

"Let go.  Face what you will never have from this person, or who this person symbolizes.  This will be like a funeral.  You will go through the stages of grief--denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance....  You will be amazed at how much can change in your life when you finally begin to let go of what you can never have. 

Letting go is the way to serenity.  Grief is the path."

Boundaries, Ladies. "Boundaries!"

Aspie spouses . . . get your hands on the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend as quickly as you can.  It will help you learn how to get over the guilt in a good way.  (Maybe you didn't even know you were acting out of guilt . . . or that you were being manipulated and controlled by Mr. Nice Guy, or MIL, or siblings, or your boss, or others....)

You will learn how to set some limits on how you will and will not be treated and for what you will and will not put up with.  You will meet with resistance at first.  But then you will find that your limits are respected.  And you will feel more free and more happy than you have in a long time.

Many thanks to those who shared this wonderful resource with me!  "Over 2 million copies sold" and it's easy to see why.  This book is recommended by countless biblical counselors and is not at all encouraging selfishness.  Now stop reading this blog post and go order the book!  :)

Autism linked to OXPHOS metabolic disorder

More and more research is being done on the genetics and link between autism and metabolic disorders.  A good article on this:

Has your autistic child been screened for metabolic disorders?

Another Good AS/NT Relationships Forum

Here's another really good forum for those in an NT/AS relationship:

http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/index.php

Movie "The Switch" (has hints of asperger's); Autism the Musical

The movie "The Switch" with Jason Bateman and Jennifer Anniston seems to portray a man and a little boy with several autistic traits.  I really enjoyed the movie and want to watch it again, next time paying closer attention to those characters.

I also recently watched "Autism: The Musical" and heartily recommend it.  Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time!  I empathized so much with the parents of the autistic children.

Relationship Help for Women with Asperger's Syndrome

This year I attended a large autism conference.  There were many excellent talks led by various professionals in the field of autism, but the session that had the most profound effect on me came from a Q and A panel with autistic adults.  I'm still processing and trying to take it all in.

The women with aspergers shared that the most helpful book they have found to improve their relationships is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.  Another book called "The Art of Talking" was mentioned, but I'm sorry to say I'm not sure exactly which book/author they were referring to as there are more than one with similar titles.

It seemed that these female aspies deeply valued being accepted by others, and they were frustrated by how often they are wrongly judged and misunderstood.

Reading and applying the relationship skills advice found in the above mentioned books could be invaluable helps in maintaining and deepening relationships with others.  If you don't learn how to communicate and show concern and care for others in the way they need/want you to, you will have very few good friendships.  If you are unable to reciprocate relationally in the typical fashion, others will feel they are the only one holding the relationship together.  A few maternal, committed types will stick by you.  Most folks will let the relationship go.  But you do have the power to sustain friendships if you realize it takes work and commitment to learn how.  There is hope!  Just don't expect it to be easy. 

The best success will come when you determine to learn absolutely all you can about communicating with others and making friendships flourish.  If this area becomes your special interest and new hobby, you could not only master the skills, but also then be able to teach others about the art of keeping relationships strong!

"Connecting With Your Aspergers Partner"

Anyone read this book?  It sounds very promising!

___________________________________________________
Connecting with Your Asperger Partner
by Louise Weston
Foreword by Tony Attwood
September 2010
208pp ISBN: 978-1-84905-130-9
pb £12.99 US$18.95 AU$29.95

http://www.louiseweston.com.au/

Aspergers: Live Chats

Another positive aspergers forum (which can serve as great, FREE counseling sessions if you ask enough questions!) over at Dephi Forums is "AS and their Partners":  http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start  Be careful not to confuse it with another similar sounding one (which is full of aspie bashing).  "AS and their Partners" is moderated by a very insightful aspie male named Gerry who is married to an NT woman. 

Search the archives and then when you have questions that you need to get some insider aspie wisdom on, join the Friday night chats from 9-11p Eastern time and ask away.  Gerry is great at answering questions in real-time.  He ought to get paid for sharing so much "better than gold" advice, but I promise, it is free.  Just remember to be nice.  :)  No aspie-bashing allowed.

 http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start