Monday, July 17, 2017

Lack of Empathy for the Children

Wow.  And I thought his lack of empathy for me was horrible.  Nothing makes my blood boil more than when he fails to show any empathy toward my children!  The kids are old enough now to more clearly and verbally express their exasperation and frustration.  They can feel very, very, emotionally hurt by his seeming callousness.

The children should be told that he has Asperger's.  But, how?  He is certainly not going to tell them.  He won't tell anyone. How should I go about explaining this to them?  Do I share how nearly all of our marital strife is rooted in the NT/AS marriage dynamic?  "Marriage doesn't have to look like this, kids."  I don't want their future marriages to be like ours!

Sometimes I am encouraged at the thought of our marriage becoming peaceful, and maybe even fun, once we are empty nesters.  But, then I realize there will be grandchildren one day.  And the issues that upset me so much now, will return when he is with the grandchildren.  And if our adult children have problems and need emotional support and empathy from him?  He has the power to (albeit unwittingly) destroy them.

Which destroys me.

Yes, I know.  It is time to go back to counseling.  Way, way past time.

God, help us all.


  1. While so many of these traits are Asperger's the inability to learn, adapt and change is not. I really feel for you and your kids and I understand how difficult it must be. I wish you the very best in counselling.

    I know that your conservative values mean that you'd never walk out of the relationship but I'd say that your husband knows that too and as a result, there's no "threat" hanging over him if he continues to do the wrong thing. Not that a threat should be necessary in a marriage.

    All the best.

  2. I'm so sorry. It's hard. But glad to see you back in the blogosphere.

  3. Dear Aspmom, I have been following your blog for years now and I have often thought about the impact this is having on your children, especially your NT child. And I know myself how damaging dysfonctional family relationships can be for children, even when they are grown up and want to start a family of their own because they do not have the right compas to guide them... May Gold help your to follow the path towards life and not (psychological)death and find adequate support while dealing with this issue!

  4. I discovered your blog today and feel so comforted in reading your posts; every word, situation you write deeply resonates. I discovered less than a week ago that I've been married to an Aspie for 14 years and at first was overcome with relief in knowing that everything that I've felt, thought, and said has been based in reality. Now, I feel a little lost and am fighting this growing sense of hopelessness because he is fighting the diagnosis and still refusing to find work and take/see responsibility for the ways that he hurts me and our children. I have been devouring information about his condition and especially about AS/NT marriages and know that that my expectation of him isn't realistic. I feel so lost

  5. See (and all the pages of comments are worth reading) too