This year I attended a large autism conference. There were many excellent talks led by various professionals in the field of autism, but the session that had the most profound effect on me came from a Q and A panel with autistic adults. I'm still processing and trying to take it all in.
The women with aspergers shared that the most helpful book they have found to improve their relationships is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Another book called "The Art of Talking" was mentioned, but I'm sorry to say I'm not sure exactly which book/author they were referring to as there are more than one with similar titles.
It seemed that these female aspies deeply valued being accepted by others, and they were frustrated by how often they are wrongly judged and misunderstood.
Reading and applying the relationship skills advice found in the above mentioned books could be invaluable helps in maintaining and deepening relationships with others. If you don't learn how to communicate and show concern and care for others in the way they need/want you to, you will have very few good friendships. If you are unable to reciprocate relationally in the typical fashion, others will feel they are the only one holding the relationship together. A few maternal, committed types will stick by you. Most folks will let the relationship go. But you do have the power to sustain friendships if you realize it takes work and commitment to learn how. There is hope! Just don't expect it to be easy.
The best success will come when you determine to learn absolutely all you can about communicating with others and making friendships flourish. If this area becomes your special interest and new hobby, you could not only master the skills, but also then be able to teach others about the art of keeping relationships strong!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
How to Relate to Women with Aspergers
There are several women with strong autistic traits in the extended family and I am often completely puzzled when I try to understand and communicate with them. Overall I am finding it very difficult to find information on how to relate to women with asperger's syndrome. Any links or advice you can share in the comments are most welcome.
What do females with aspergers want from their female friends and relatives? What is the best way to communicate with women on the autism spectrum?
I don't sense that they desire to connect emotionally. I don't sense they have interest in understanding the hearts or minds of NTs. Generally I sense little interest in improving their own communication skills (because they don't see why that is important or what difference it will make, maybe?).
My best guess is that women on the spectrum simply want to be accepted for who they are. They want to be unconditionally loved. They want you to overlook their foibles, understand that they care about you (even though they don't communicate it well), and want you to not take offense (because none was meant). They want you to smile and seem cheerful and pleased with them. Don't cry or get too emotional because that is very uncomfortable for them. If they like you, they want you to spend time with them by doing activities together (and not necessarily talking much). And that's about it, right? Nothing more is expected or required . . . ?
To the female aspies reading this . . . know that there are many of us who are trying to maintain good relationships with women on the spectrum. Please realize we want to understand you and we are working very hard to be "close" to you. We honestly just don't know how.
What do females with aspergers want from their female friends and relatives? What is the best way to communicate with women on the autism spectrum?
I don't sense that they desire to connect emotionally. I don't sense they have interest in understanding the hearts or minds of NTs. Generally I sense little interest in improving their own communication skills (because they don't see why that is important or what difference it will make, maybe?).
My best guess is that women on the spectrum simply want to be accepted for who they are. They want to be unconditionally loved. They want you to overlook their foibles, understand that they care about you (even though they don't communicate it well), and want you to not take offense (because none was meant). They want you to smile and seem cheerful and pleased with them. Don't cry or get too emotional because that is very uncomfortable for them. If they like you, they want you to spend time with them by doing activities together (and not necessarily talking much). And that's about it, right? Nothing more is expected or required . . . ?
To the female aspies reading this . . . know that there are many of us who are trying to maintain good relationships with women on the spectrum. Please realize we want to understand you and we are working very hard to be "close" to you. We honestly just don't know how.
"Connecting With Your Aspergers Partner"
Anyone read this book? It sounds very promising!
___________________________________________________
Connecting with Your Asperger Partner
by Louise Weston
Foreword by Tony Attwood
September 2010
208pp ISBN: 978-1-84905-130-9
pb £12.99 US$18.95 AU$29.95
http://www.louiseweston.com.au/
___________________________________________________
Connecting with Your Asperger Partner
by Louise Weston
Foreword by Tony Attwood
September 2010
208pp ISBN: 978-1-84905-130-9
pb £12.99 US$18.95 AU$29.95
http://www.louiseweston.com.au/
Monday, March 28, 2011
Social Skills Songs
Our children love the social skills songs by Jeanne Lyons on her cd called "Gather the Stars." They are learning about flexibility, changing the subject, and not talking on and on and on. My personal favorite is the song which encourages patience and faith with people on the autism spectrum. "Christina", "Flexibility," and my children's favorite, "Perseveration Station," can be heard by clicking the star next to the lyrics here:
http://www.bitlink.com/jeannelyons/samples.html
To hear the funny "Personal Space Invaders" and "Long-Winded Lou" and a few others you'll need to buy the cd. :)
I wish Mrs. Lyons would make an updated version with just her beautiful voice and a guitar. This cd was created over a decade ago, but the lyrics and music are fun and helpful anyway. My guess is children up to the age of ten would enjoy singing along with these social skills songs.
http://www.bitlink.com/jeannelyons/samples.html
To hear the funny "Personal Space Invaders" and "Long-Winded Lou" and a few others you'll need to buy the cd. :)
I wish Mrs. Lyons would make an updated version with just her beautiful voice and a guitar. This cd was created over a decade ago, but the lyrics and music are fun and helpful anyway. My guess is children up to the age of ten would enjoy singing along with these social skills songs.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Aspergers: Live Chats
Another positive aspergers forum (which can serve as great, FREE counseling sessions if you ask enough questions!) over at Dephi Forums is "AS and their Partners": http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start Be careful not to confuse it with another similar sounding one (which is full of aspie bashing). "AS and their Partners" is moderated by a very insightful aspie male named Gerry who is married to an NT woman.
Search the archives and then when you have questions that you need to get some insider aspie wisdom on, join the Friday night chats from 9-11p Eastern time and ask away. Gerry is great at answering questions in real-time. He ought to get paid for sharing so much "better than gold" advice, but I promise, it is free. Just remember to be nice. :) No aspie-bashing allowed.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start
Search the archives and then when you have questions that you need to get some insider aspie wisdom on, join the Friday night chats from 9-11p Eastern time and ask away. Gerry is great at answering questions in real-time. He ought to get paid for sharing so much "better than gold" advice, but I promise, it is free. Just remember to be nice. :) No aspie-bashing allowed.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Roses, Cacti, and now Daisies
Anyone else getting sick of the roses and cacti symbols that are so often used for NT/Aspie relationships? Personally, I don't even like roses anymore. They are beautiful when in bloom, but they wilt so quickly and so easily without tender care. Too painful to contemplate the similarities. So I'm done with roses. If you noticed my new profile pic, I'm now particularly fond of daisies.
Daisies are hearty little flowers that can take a lot of neglect and still stay pretty. Then of course there's the symbolism of the "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" petal-picking game. Quite fitting description for the emotional ups and downs in an NT/Aspie marriage, don't you think?
Straight-lined petals (like their pattern?), often plain and white (and we must think in black and white so often!), but they can sometimes be found with cheerful splashes of color:
DAISY IDOMS:
"Fresh as a daisy" = full of energy and enthusiasm
"Pushing up the daisies" = to be dead
Two extremes for one little flower.
I like it. :)
And it fits.
Daisies are hearty little flowers that can take a lot of neglect and still stay pretty. Then of course there's the symbolism of the "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" petal-picking game. Quite fitting description for the emotional ups and downs in an NT/Aspie marriage, don't you think?
Straight-lined petals (like their pattern?), often plain and white (and we must think in black and white so often!), but they can sometimes be found with cheerful splashes of color:
DAISY IDOMS:
"Fresh as a daisy" = full of energy and enthusiasm
"Pushing up the daisies" = to be dead
Two extremes for one little flower.
I like it. :)
And it fits.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Attitude and Actions
A cheerful attitude and kind actions are likely all an aspie wants from his spouse. Gavin's excellent keywords for understanding aspies and affection are found in his Valentine's post at the Life With Aspergers blog: "Smiles and Hugs." Simple, and oh, so true. He just wants smiles and hugs!
Sadly, what aspie males probably don't comprehend is what is required of him to elicit those things from her. And so the two most important things to him are probably the very last things he tends to get.
For all of this to really work a few steps must be taken.
1. First, the NT wife absolutely must give up the hope and expectation that her aspie spouse is or ever will be deeply interested in her innermost thoughts or feelings. He doesn't have any interest in (or ability to be) 'connecting' with what makes her who she is spiritually and emotionally at the core of her being. Such a bitter pill to swallow. But to heal the marriage, it must be swallowed! And that pill must be swallowed every time the cancerous bitterness creeps back into her heart. She might lose some hair (from pulling it out in frustration!) while taking this treatment pill, but keep in mind any negative side effects will be worth suffering, to reach the healing outcome ahead.
2. Next, she must clearly communicate to him that she is deeply *unhappy and needs him to do X, Y, and Z to help make her happy. X, Y, and Z must be tangible, practical, things/actions that can be carried out by someone with asperger's syndrome.
*(Sometimes 'unhappiness' is not understood by the aspie when explained in words, but may only be understood by some degree of absence of warm attitude and actions. This is a tough one to grapple with as a Christian, and will be the subject of another post.)
3. The Aspie must make X, Y, and Z a top priority of things he must do regularly in his life. This means it comes before paying the bills, before brushing his teeth, before whatever his 'special interest' is. Before anything that gets the first/most of his time or money should come X, Y, and Z that show his wife he loves her in the ways she wants to be shown. And so he must swallow his own bitter pill -- one he believes to be a placebo because X, Y, and Z make no sense to his brain and he truly doesn't believe it will make any difference whatsoever in the NT's attitude or actions.
But I can tell you that it will make a difference. Her attitude and actions will change for the better. Magically, somehow, without your being able to understand it, those inner workings of the heart will cause outer workings of cheerful attitudes and actions. Smiles and hugs will reappear. If, and likely only if, you get to work on her 'Honey Do You Love Me' list of X, Y, Z.
Sadly, what aspie males probably don't comprehend is what is required of him to elicit those things from her. And so the two most important things to him are probably the very last things he tends to get.
For all of this to really work a few steps must be taken.
1. First, the NT wife absolutely must give up the hope and expectation that her aspie spouse is or ever will be deeply interested in her innermost thoughts or feelings. He doesn't have any interest in (or ability to be) 'connecting' with what makes her who she is spiritually and emotionally at the core of her being. Such a bitter pill to swallow. But to heal the marriage, it must be swallowed! And that pill must be swallowed every time the cancerous bitterness creeps back into her heart. She might lose some hair (from pulling it out in frustration!) while taking this treatment pill, but keep in mind any negative side effects will be worth suffering, to reach the healing outcome ahead.
2. Next, she must clearly communicate to him that she is deeply *unhappy and needs him to do X, Y, and Z to help make her happy. X, Y, and Z must be tangible, practical, things/actions that can be carried out by someone with asperger's syndrome.
*(Sometimes 'unhappiness' is not understood by the aspie when explained in words, but may only be understood by some degree of absence of warm attitude and actions. This is a tough one to grapple with as a Christian, and will be the subject of another post.)
3. The Aspie must make X, Y, and Z a top priority of things he must do regularly in his life. This means it comes before paying the bills, before brushing his teeth, before whatever his 'special interest' is. Before anything that gets the first/most of his time or money should come X, Y, and Z that show his wife he loves her in the ways she wants to be shown. And so he must swallow his own bitter pill -- one he believes to be a placebo because X, Y, and Z make no sense to his brain and he truly doesn't believe it will make any difference whatsoever in the NT's attitude or actions.
But I can tell you that it will make a difference. Her attitude and actions will change for the better. Magically, somehow, without your being able to understand it, those inner workings of the heart will cause outer workings of cheerful attitudes and actions. Smiles and hugs will reappear. If, and likely only if, you get to work on her 'Honey Do You Love Me' list of X, Y, Z.
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