Our children love the social skills songs by Jeanne Lyons on her cd called "Gather the Stars." They are learning about flexibility, changing the subject, and not talking on and on and on. My personal favorite is the song which encourages patience and faith with people on the autism spectrum. "Christina", "Flexibility," and my children's favorite, "Perseveration Station," can be heard by clicking the star next to the lyrics here:
http://www.bitlink.com/jeannelyons/samples.html
To hear the funny "Personal Space Invaders" and "Long-Winded Lou" and a few others you'll need to buy the cd. :)
I wish Mrs. Lyons would make an updated version with just her beautiful voice and a guitar. This cd was created over a decade ago, but the lyrics and music are fun and helpful anyway. My guess is children up to the age of ten would enjoy singing along with these social skills songs.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Aspergers: Live Chats
Another positive aspergers forum (which can serve as great, FREE counseling sessions if you ask enough questions!) over at Dephi Forums is "AS and their Partners": http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start Be careful not to confuse it with another similar sounding one (which is full of aspie bashing). "AS and their Partners" is moderated by a very insightful aspie male named Gerry who is married to an NT woman.
Search the archives and then when you have questions that you need to get some insider aspie wisdom on, join the Friday night chats from 9-11p Eastern time and ask away. Gerry is great at answering questions in real-time. He ought to get paid for sharing so much "better than gold" advice, but I promise, it is free. Just remember to be nice. :) No aspie-bashing allowed.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start
Search the archives and then when you have questions that you need to get some insider aspie wisdom on, join the Friday night chats from 9-11p Eastern time and ask away. Gerry is great at answering questions in real-time. He ought to get paid for sharing so much "better than gold" advice, but I promise, it is free. Just remember to be nice. :) No aspie-bashing allowed.
http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Roses, Cacti, and now Daisies
Anyone else getting sick of the roses and cacti symbols that are so often used for NT/Aspie relationships? Personally, I don't even like roses anymore. They are beautiful when in bloom, but they wilt so quickly and so easily without tender care. Too painful to contemplate the similarities. So I'm done with roses. If you noticed my new profile pic, I'm now particularly fond of daisies.
Daisies are hearty little flowers that can take a lot of neglect and still stay pretty. Then of course there's the symbolism of the "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" petal-picking game. Quite fitting description for the emotional ups and downs in an NT/Aspie marriage, don't you think?
Straight-lined petals (like their pattern?), often plain and white (and we must think in black and white so often!), but they can sometimes be found with cheerful splashes of color:
DAISY IDOMS:
"Fresh as a daisy" = full of energy and enthusiasm
"Pushing up the daisies" = to be dead
Two extremes for one little flower.
I like it. :)
And it fits.
Daisies are hearty little flowers that can take a lot of neglect and still stay pretty. Then of course there's the symbolism of the "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" petal-picking game. Quite fitting description for the emotional ups and downs in an NT/Aspie marriage, don't you think?
Straight-lined petals (like their pattern?), often plain and white (and we must think in black and white so often!), but they can sometimes be found with cheerful splashes of color:
DAISY IDOMS:
"Fresh as a daisy" = full of energy and enthusiasm
"Pushing up the daisies" = to be dead
Two extremes for one little flower.
I like it. :)
And it fits.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Attitude and Actions
A cheerful attitude and kind actions are likely all an aspie wants from his spouse. Gavin's excellent keywords for understanding aspies and affection are found in his Valentine's post at the Life With Aspergers blog: "Smiles and Hugs." Simple, and oh, so true. He just wants smiles and hugs!
Sadly, what aspie males probably don't comprehend is what is required of him to elicit those things from her. And so the two most important things to him are probably the very last things he tends to get.
For all of this to really work a few steps must be taken.
1. First, the NT wife absolutely must give up the hope and expectation that her aspie spouse is or ever will be deeply interested in her innermost thoughts or feelings. He doesn't have any interest in (or ability to be) 'connecting' with what makes her who she is spiritually and emotionally at the core of her being. Such a bitter pill to swallow. But to heal the marriage, it must be swallowed! And that pill must be swallowed every time the cancerous bitterness creeps back into her heart. She might lose some hair (from pulling it out in frustration!) while taking this treatment pill, but keep in mind any negative side effects will be worth suffering, to reach the healing outcome ahead.
2. Next, she must clearly communicate to him that she is deeply *unhappy and needs him to do X, Y, and Z to help make her happy. X, Y, and Z must be tangible, practical, things/actions that can be carried out by someone with asperger's syndrome.
*(Sometimes 'unhappiness' is not understood by the aspie when explained in words, but may only be understood by some degree of absence of warm attitude and actions. This is a tough one to grapple with as a Christian, and will be the subject of another post.)
3. The Aspie must make X, Y, and Z a top priority of things he must do regularly in his life. This means it comes before paying the bills, before brushing his teeth, before whatever his 'special interest' is. Before anything that gets the first/most of his time or money should come X, Y, and Z that show his wife he loves her in the ways she wants to be shown. And so he must swallow his own bitter pill -- one he believes to be a placebo because X, Y, and Z make no sense to his brain and he truly doesn't believe it will make any difference whatsoever in the NT's attitude or actions.
But I can tell you that it will make a difference. Her attitude and actions will change for the better. Magically, somehow, without your being able to understand it, those inner workings of the heart will cause outer workings of cheerful attitudes and actions. Smiles and hugs will reappear. If, and likely only if, you get to work on her 'Honey Do You Love Me' list of X, Y, Z.
Sadly, what aspie males probably don't comprehend is what is required of him to elicit those things from her. And so the two most important things to him are probably the very last things he tends to get.
For all of this to really work a few steps must be taken.
1. First, the NT wife absolutely must give up the hope and expectation that her aspie spouse is or ever will be deeply interested in her innermost thoughts or feelings. He doesn't have any interest in (or ability to be) 'connecting' with what makes her who she is spiritually and emotionally at the core of her being. Such a bitter pill to swallow. But to heal the marriage, it must be swallowed! And that pill must be swallowed every time the cancerous bitterness creeps back into her heart. She might lose some hair (from pulling it out in frustration!) while taking this treatment pill, but keep in mind any negative side effects will be worth suffering, to reach the healing outcome ahead.
2. Next, she must clearly communicate to him that she is deeply *unhappy and needs him to do X, Y, and Z to help make her happy. X, Y, and Z must be tangible, practical, things/actions that can be carried out by someone with asperger's syndrome.
*(Sometimes 'unhappiness' is not understood by the aspie when explained in words, but may only be understood by some degree of absence of warm attitude and actions. This is a tough one to grapple with as a Christian, and will be the subject of another post.)
3. The Aspie must make X, Y, and Z a top priority of things he must do regularly in his life. This means it comes before paying the bills, before brushing his teeth, before whatever his 'special interest' is. Before anything that gets the first/most of his time or money should come X, Y, and Z that show his wife he loves her in the ways she wants to be shown. And so he must swallow his own bitter pill -- one he believes to be a placebo because X, Y, and Z make no sense to his brain and he truly doesn't believe it will make any difference whatsoever in the NT's attitude or actions.
But I can tell you that it will make a difference. Her attitude and actions will change for the better. Magically, somehow, without your being able to understand it, those inner workings of the heart will cause outer workings of cheerful attitudes and actions. Smiles and hugs will reappear. If, and likely only if, you get to work on her 'Honey Do You Love Me' list of X, Y, Z.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sticky Note Reminders for the Christian NT Wife
When the hard times hit, and the INSANITY you feel in your NT/AS marriage begins to take over . . .
It helps to hear over and over, again and again, the little reminders that bring back some semblance of sane.
1. This is neurological wiring of the brain.
2. You must drop your "NT" expectations! The surest way to avoid disappointment is not to expect anything from others.
3. This is a very difficult trial to live with.
4. This lonely trial can and should draw you closer to Christ, depending on Him as your very closest friend.
5. This fiery trial is ordained by God for your good, to sanctify you (which is just a theological word for make you more like Christ).
And most importantly, remember to "above all, fervently love one another." 1 Peter 1:22
It helps to hear over and over, again and again, the little reminders that bring back some semblance of sane.
1. This is neurological wiring of the brain.
2. You must drop your "NT" expectations! The surest way to avoid disappointment is not to expect anything from others.
3. This is a very difficult trial to live with.
4. This lonely trial can and should draw you closer to Christ, depending on Him as your very closest friend.
5. This fiery trial is ordained by God for your good, to sanctify you (which is just a theological word for make you more like Christ).
And most importantly, remember to "above all, fervently love one another." 1 Peter 1:22
NT/AS Christian Counseling
Members of the leadership of our church recently attempted an intial (and brief) counseling session with my husband and me. As he does not acknowledge that he may have Asperger's Syndrome, I did not mention it during that meeting. Autism or any reference to "autistic traits" did not enter the conversation.
And it seemed very unfair to me. For his sake!
He was gently censured and told that it is his responsibility to emotionally connect with his wife. As much as the angry, bitter part of me wanted to stick out my tongue and say "NahNahIToldYouSo!" I didn't do that. :) I felt sorry for him. But what's a gal to do, huh? He gets angry if the "A" word is used at all in reference to himself. He would be livid if I "accused" him of being autistic in front of anyone else.
Aspies, please don't take this harshly, I'm fighting for him on this one . . . but those counselors may as well have told a blind man to parallel park between two brick walls without getting a single scratch on the car! They are demanding something of him he is not capable of doing, aren't they?! They are making him feel like a failure, and feel guilty for something he cannot help, right?
Obviously, I can see he's bringing this on himself by his total denial of Asperger's. That part is his fault and I am at a loss as to how to help him. Many folks talk about the failure of counseling NT/AS couples when autism is not brought into the equation. Now I can see for myself that it truly doesn't work.
It may even make things worse.
And it seemed very unfair to me. For his sake!
He was gently censured and told that it is his responsibility to emotionally connect with his wife. As much as the angry, bitter part of me wanted to stick out my tongue and say "NahNahIToldYouSo!" I didn't do that. :) I felt sorry for him. But what's a gal to do, huh? He gets angry if the "A" word is used at all in reference to himself. He would be livid if I "accused" him of being autistic in front of anyone else.
Aspies, please don't take this harshly, I'm fighting for him on this one . . . but those counselors may as well have told a blind man to parallel park between two brick walls without getting a single scratch on the car! They are demanding something of him he is not capable of doing, aren't they?! They are making him feel like a failure, and feel guilty for something he cannot help, right?
Obviously, I can see he's bringing this on himself by his total denial of Asperger's. That part is his fault and I am at a loss as to how to help him. Many folks talk about the failure of counseling NT/AS couples when autism is not brought into the equation. Now I can see for myself that it truly doesn't work.
It may even make things worse.
Friday, January 21, 2011
"A Rough Companion"
This quote from "The Loveliness of Christ" seemed quite applicable to me as a Christian aspergers wife:
"He cutteth off your love to the creature, that ye might learn that God only is the right owner of your love, sorrow, loss, sadness, death, or the worst things that are, except sin: but Christ knoweth well what to make of them, and can put his own in the crosses common, that we shall be obliged to affliction, and thank God, who learned us to make our acquaintance with such a rough companion, who can hale us to Christ."
"He cutteth off your love to the creature, that ye might learn that God only is the right owner of your love, sorrow, loss, sadness, death, or the worst things that are, except sin: but Christ knoweth well what to make of them, and can put his own in the crosses common, that we shall be obliged to affliction, and thank God, who learned us to make our acquaintance with such a rough companion, who can hale us to Christ."
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