Ok. So I've accepted how things really are. I have a new understanding and a realization that there is much more to learn. At this point all the growth, effort, and responsibility is completely on me as he is not yet ready to acknowledge anything.
I've read how important it is to "plant seeds" for an aspie when it comes to major issues that you want to discuss. This means that you make a brief comment about the issue, so he will have time to let it take root for a while. Then you can come back and water it a little at a time--sometimes over the course of a very long time. And this requires much patience.
So I've told my spouse that we need to make a time to discuss the communication patterns in our relationship. When he's had time to digest that bit of information, we will actually get together and talk about it.
One step at a time. This can't be a huge, long, detailed monologue about my emotions and unmet needs. I need to be concise about a single issue at a time.
More details will follow in a future post. I intend to discuss these "nuts and bolts" of navigating the communication battles under the category Specific Scenarios. I glean the most help from the practical applications and shared experiences I learn about from others. They make all the diagnostic criteria come alive and make me truly understand how Aspergers affects me. I hope these posts can help someone else out there. Know that you are not alone!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Acceptance of Aspergers
No, my husband is not accepting that he has Aspergers. But I think maybe I finally am. By that I mean that I am moving beyond the grief, anger, and disappointment that has lasted over a year and am ready to make serious changes in myself to make our marriage a happier one.
The grief and barrage of negative emotions is very real and I believe must be worked through. Acknowledging to yourself that you are disappointed but are still committed to the relationship is so important. You can then get to the point where you know certain things will never be a part of your marriage and you can strive to enjoy the good and learn to best deal with the rest.
So all those logical steps we read about for communicating with an aspie begin to be more than just words on a page. It finally makes sense when one embraces that:
1. He speaks a totally different language. He really does! So if you want to communicate with him, learn his language! Maybe he's not attempting to learn yours, but you can still try to learn his. Blogs and forums that share first-hand experience and insights are invaluable helps.
2. He needs for you to love him his way. If you are calm, happy, and not very emotional, you will make him feel safe, secure, and happy. This means that you need to take care of yourself. Find ways to relax. Make sure you have an outlet to chat with other NTs, and learn to be a happy person without relying on him to meet any of your emotional needs.
3. You must avoid the NT communication patterns of long talks about your emotions. Don't keep going on and on, don't get louder, and don't show anger expecting that he will understand you mean business about being really hurt. NTs will "get" that. Your aspie will just be frustrated and he will NOT "get" it. Whenever you start to get upset, STOP talking and don't continue the discussion again until you can be calm, rational, and concise with every sentence.
4. You should be thankful for the way he shows love to you. It may be often overlooked as it is expressed daily, maybe in seemingly small ways. It may never be verbalized. But it is there if you look hard enough. Be thankful and express appreciation.
5. You may find that he brings out the worst in you. The reality is "out of the overflow of our hearts, our mouths speak." The ugliness you are seeing is there and likely has always been there, though previously it may have been hidden to you and others. He may be the instrument God is using to show it to you, so that you can grow and become a better person!
It is vitally important to realize that you have had lots of NT expectations of what makes a good relationship. And now you have to let those expectations go and accept that this is a whole new ballgame. This NT/AS relationship is very different and always will be different from what you've understood relationships to be like. But your relationship with your AS spouse can be rewarding and fulfilling if you are willing to work on yourself (and stop trying to work on him) to make it so.
The grief and barrage of negative emotions is very real and I believe must be worked through. Acknowledging to yourself that you are disappointed but are still committed to the relationship is so important. You can then get to the point where you know certain things will never be a part of your marriage and you can strive to enjoy the good and learn to best deal with the rest.
So all those logical steps we read about for communicating with an aspie begin to be more than just words on a page. It finally makes sense when one embraces that:
1. He speaks a totally different language. He really does! So if you want to communicate with him, learn his language! Maybe he's not attempting to learn yours, but you can still try to learn his. Blogs and forums that share first-hand experience and insights are invaluable helps.
2. He needs for you to love him his way. If you are calm, happy, and not very emotional, you will make him feel safe, secure, and happy. This means that you need to take care of yourself. Find ways to relax. Make sure you have an outlet to chat with other NTs, and learn to be a happy person without relying on him to meet any of your emotional needs.
3. You must avoid the NT communication patterns of long talks about your emotions. Don't keep going on and on, don't get louder, and don't show anger expecting that he will understand you mean business about being really hurt. NTs will "get" that. Your aspie will just be frustrated and he will NOT "get" it. Whenever you start to get upset, STOP talking and don't continue the discussion again until you can be calm, rational, and concise with every sentence.
4. You should be thankful for the way he shows love to you. It may be often overlooked as it is expressed daily, maybe in seemingly small ways. It may never be verbalized. But it is there if you look hard enough. Be thankful and express appreciation.
5. You may find that he brings out the worst in you. The reality is "out of the overflow of our hearts, our mouths speak." The ugliness you are seeing is there and likely has always been there, though previously it may have been hidden to you and others. He may be the instrument God is using to show it to you, so that you can grow and become a better person!
It is vitally important to realize that you have had lots of NT expectations of what makes a good relationship. And now you have to let those expectations go and accept that this is a whole new ballgame. This NT/AS relationship is very different and always will be different from what you've understood relationships to be like. But your relationship with your AS spouse can be rewarding and fulfilling if you are willing to work on yourself (and stop trying to work on him) to make it so.
Monday, August 16, 2010
A Positive Aspergers Forum
I just discovered a very positive and encouraging forum for both NTs and Aspies at Delphi Forums. It is called "AS and Their Partners". Another is "AS and Relationships That Work". They don't allow the typical AS husband-bashing I've found on other forums, and there are many posts with enlightening comments and strategies for overcoming communication problems.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Biblical Counsel for the Suffering Spouse
If you are a Christian woman and are suffering in your marriage, you need to buy the book "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace. Mrs. Peace is a Biblical Counselor. This book is full of godly advice, much of which you would receive if you were actually meeting with a biblical counselor. It's not an easy read, but it is an excellent quick reference. While in the midst of your pain, you can immediately turn to chapters such as "The Wife's Loneliness", "The Wife's Anger", and "The Wife's Sorrow", and receive counsel which will help you turn your ungodly thinking toward more godly thoughts.
Some examples from a chart in "The Wife's Sorrow" chapter contrasting our Sinful Actions with Godly Actions:
1. Instead of outbursts of anger, the godly wife should realize her anger will not achieve God's purposes. She should think long and hard about how to biblically answer.
2. Instead of telling herself 'This is more than I can stand,', she should think 'This feels like more than I can stand, but God will help me get through it.' 1 Corinthians 10:13.
There are numerous charts like this in the book and I find them to be extremely helpful. It's comforting to both know I'm not crazy for thinking some of the thoughts listed (and some of them are extreme!), and to be directed toward more godly thinking and responses when I have such thoughts. I hope you find this resource helpful, especially if you are not able to actually meet one-on-one with a godly biblical counselor. This book really is the next best thing!
Some examples from a chart in "The Wife's Sorrow" chapter contrasting our Sinful Actions with Godly Actions:
1. Instead of outbursts of anger, the godly wife should realize her anger will not achieve God's purposes. She should think long and hard about how to biblically answer.
2. Instead of telling herself 'This is more than I can stand,', she should think 'This feels like more than I can stand, but God will help me get through it.' 1 Corinthians 10:13.
There are numerous charts like this in the book and I find them to be extremely helpful. It's comforting to both know I'm not crazy for thinking some of the thoughts listed (and some of them are extreme!), and to be directed toward more godly thinking and responses when I have such thoughts. I hope you find this resource helpful, especially if you are not able to actually meet one-on-one with a godly biblical counselor. This book really is the next best thing!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Math Curriculum for Asperger's
My daughter has struggled with basic math for several years. She can memorize facts, but I could tell nothing was clicking for her. This year we found Math-U-See and now math is no longer a dreaded subject. Math-U-See has not only made math fun and easy to learn, but it is beginning to click and be understood by my daughter who has Asperger's / High Functioning Autism.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Why Divorce is Not an Option
It seems fairly common for women suffering from emotional neglect in aspergers marriages to get a separation or divorce. But because of my faith and Christian worldview, divorce is unequivocally not an option for me in this scenario.
The short answer to the why behind that statement is that God hates divorce. Unless there is adultery, abandonment, or abuse involved, the Bible does not allow for divorce. I don't believe emotional neglect is abuse, though I do believe there is a such thing as emotional abuse, evidenced in such things as yelling, swearing, name-calling, and the like. The Bible calls one who divorces without biblical grounds an adulterer.
More practical details are that the children would indeed suffer more from us getting a divorce than they would from our staying together. There are many, many good things in our life and overall we have a happy family. We have security, stability, dedication and loyalty, and more. If you come into our home you will hear loud, joyful laughter more often than not.
Just because deep down "mama ain't happy" doesn't mean "ain't nobody happy." Mama needs to work out her unhappiness, yes. But without God's blessing, mama ain't gonna be happy. Not married, not in an affair, not alone, not anywhere! And God will not bless me in an unbiblical divorce.
My biblical counselor has told me that emotional discouragement is spiritual warfare. The enemy of the Christian faith wants us to dwell in anger, bitterness, and discouragement so that our lives and our families and our witness will be destroyed. We are to fight such feelings with prayer, with faith, with hope, with love, with knowing and using the 'sword of the Spirit', which is the Word of God, the Bible.
It's a battle. It's a daily struggle. I'm in the midst of the batttle, wavering and weak. But I am determined to fight for my family and to fight for my faith. And my faith comforts me with who will eventually (and eternally!) win.
Even when I am most sad and lonely, I can sing with my children because I know it to be true . . . "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so."
The short answer to the why behind that statement is that God hates divorce. Unless there is adultery, abandonment, or abuse involved, the Bible does not allow for divorce. I don't believe emotional neglect is abuse, though I do believe there is a such thing as emotional abuse, evidenced in such things as yelling, swearing, name-calling, and the like. The Bible calls one who divorces without biblical grounds an adulterer.
More practical details are that the children would indeed suffer more from us getting a divorce than they would from our staying together. There are many, many good things in our life and overall we have a happy family. We have security, stability, dedication and loyalty, and more. If you come into our home you will hear loud, joyful laughter more often than not.
Just because deep down "mama ain't happy" doesn't mean "ain't nobody happy." Mama needs to work out her unhappiness, yes. But without God's blessing, mama ain't gonna be happy. Not married, not in an affair, not alone, not anywhere! And God will not bless me in an unbiblical divorce.
My biblical counselor has told me that emotional discouragement is spiritual warfare. The enemy of the Christian faith wants us to dwell in anger, bitterness, and discouragement so that our lives and our families and our witness will be destroyed. We are to fight such feelings with prayer, with faith, with hope, with love, with knowing and using the 'sword of the Spirit', which is the Word of God, the Bible.
It's a battle. It's a daily struggle. I'm in the midst of the batttle, wavering and weak. But I am determined to fight for my family and to fight for my faith. And my faith comforts me with who will eventually (and eternally!) win.
Even when I am most sad and lonely, I can sing with my children because I know it to be true . . . "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so."
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Roses and Cacti: An NT/Asperger Relationship
"Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2000 Marguerite Long"
The author grants permission to copy this document provided it is for non-commercial purposes, is complete, unaltered and retains this copyright message.
I see people with Asperger's Syndrome (aspies) as cacti, which are soft and vulnerable inside - but very soon in life they develop very cruel prickles to protect themselves from painful contacts with neurotypicals (NTs). Aspies belong in the desert. They are happy there. Occasionally they bloom - and it is so wonderful they light up the whole desert - but it is short-lived. Being natives of the desert they have the ability to withstand long periods of drought. When water is available they absorb it quickly and store it in their fleshy stems for times of need.
Cacti have a right to be cacti, and to live in the desert, and to have prickles.
I see neurotypicals as roses. The roots of roses must not be allowed to dry out. They need to be in a rose garden where they can constantly connect with other roses and be watered, fed and mulched. They need to be protected from the fierce heat of the desert and from shredding desert sandstorms. Most roses do not survive in the desert. The ones that do mostly become stunted, lose their flowers, develop larger ugly thorns, move into denial and often need medication. Medicated roses no longer see the harshness of the desert.
When the rose begins to wilt and tries to explain to the cactus that it needs rose food, the cactus will look out from the comfort of its stored reserves and ignore the rose. This is a form of passive aggression. As the roses's needs become desperate and the rose becomes increasingly demanding, the cactus can escalate to mental and emotional abuse in his lack of understanding of the rose's needs. The cactus does not mind if others are present - adding public humiliation to his abuse of the rose. When the pain of deprivation takes the rose beyond the boundaries of caution and reason, the cactus may escalate to door-slamming and physical abuse. The abused, starving rose retreats and grows a little more stunted and ugly.
Aspies do not understand that roses need rose food (emotional connection, tender loving care, appreciation, communication, time out for chatting complete with an emotional component, understanding, romance, etc.) Cactus food cannot nourish, or even sustain, a rose.
Aspies can only provide cactus food. When the rose begins to wilt and tries to explain that it needs rose food, the cactus will not understand and may call the rose "selfish" and "ungrateful". In the desert, with a prickly cactus, is a scary place for a rose to be. The rose will be deprived of intimate emotional connection, communication and love. Home-making will become a nightmare, because the cactus in his desert environment has no need for all the finishing touches that a rose would consider essential in her rose garden.
If a rose tries to bloom in the desert, the petals will be shredded by the merciless onslaught of the most ferocious desert sandstorms. In the process of desperately trying to provide myself with some mulch, water and food, I have mapped out a basic survival plan for a rose living in the desert with a cactus.
Survival plan for roses
1. Encouragement
When I have any sort of a petal on my rose at all that has not been shredded in a recent sandstorm, I try to apply myself to encouraging and acknowledging the strengths in my aspie cactus.
The soft, vulnerable part of the aspie is very receptive to praise and compliments and appreciation (like we all are, but I have found them to be more so). He has many good points. The problem is that the cruel sandstorms and the empty spareness of the desert have so stunted and shredded the rose that is me, that mostly I cannot even enjoy the good points. Nevertheless, I have found that encouragement and appreciation cause him to bloom in a very special way.
2. Quick forgiveness
There will be no remorse or apologies on the part of the cactus, because it only sees that it has been unfairly attacked and that the rose is ungrateful and too demanding. Eventually the rose has to find a way to forgive and keep going. This is survival because bitterness only hurts the rose and the cactus won't notice whether the rose is bitter or not.
3. A whole-body exerciser
Some means of exhausting the physical body is pretty much an essential first-aid emergency treatment for the larger, cruel, shredding, searing desert sandstorms. The clue is to stay with the exercise until the tears come. This is exhausting but healing and needs to be followed by step four.
4. A good book and a video
Roses need these as a first-aid measure to take the mind and emotions out of the desert and back into some sort of rose-garden environment.
5. Good friends.
Understanding friends are the remedy for the loneliness and the isolation of the desert. The problem is, to have a good friend you have to be a good friend. That is a very difficult thing to do for a stunted, shredded rose who is unwell through humiliation and lack of rose food. Internet support groups like FAAAS can be life preserving and a privilege at times like this.
6. Telephone counseling services that run 24 hours a day.
These are valuable for the desperate loneliness that hits around midnight and after. Just to hear another voice that is caring, accepting and non-judgmental does wonders.
8. Sleep
A cactus can be asleep within minutes of a desert sandstorm. A rose, however, will be hurting and desperate and may need to work through points three and four above.
9. Summary
The cactus is in the desert and easily survives the sandstorms. The rose cannot survive the shredding without lots of insight and protective measures on hand. Even then it is tough going!
Regarding marriage
Cacti have areas of brilliance that become their obsessions. Common obsessions are computers, technology, engineering and religion. Sometimes a male aspie will turn his obsessive interests towards a female neurotypical.
A cactus in full bloom is magnificent and very difficult for a rose to resist. At this early stage of the relationship the rose has not experienced, or been shredded by, the desert sandstorms - and has not been stunted by the emptiness and lack of nurture and food. The early cactus bloom stage may last some time (particularly if there are no children and the rose is financially independent).
However, the rose is now in the desert - and the desert does not sustain it. The wilt is inevitable. I am sorry to have to say it.
Many of the neurotypical women most likely to end up married to aspies had aspie fathers so the awful feelings of abuse and loneliness seem normal to them and almost comfortable because these feelings are so familiar.
Invisible wheelchairs
To a neurotypical, an aspie may seem emotionally disabled. Many people marry severely disabled people (such as quadriplegics) and with a lot of support and help manage to live reasonable lives. The difference here is that the quadriplegic knows he has the disability. Aspies mostly do not recognize their disability and mostly they judge the emotional interactions of neurotypical people as weakness and lack of self-discipline. Also, as you push around the quadriplegic's wheelchair people generally will make way for you, support you, even probably smile and affirm that you are doing a good job.
When a rose marries a cactus, the rose may come to feel that she is pushing an invisible wheelchair -on her own- without support and without help. People cannot "see" an invisible wheelchair, so the rose often may feel uncomfortable, even humiliated, when out in public with the cactus. In addition to this there may be a strong chance that offspring from this marriage could also be cacti. From the rose's perception - this amounts to more invisible wheelchairs.
Raising baby cacti
It is my opinion that young aspie cacti need people of insight to go in to bat for them. They need a kindly advocate. They are soft and vulnerable and do not yet have their protective prickles established.
I believe that whenever possible the young aspie's obsessions or "special interests" (and they may change as they get older) need to be nurtured and supported. These special interests are often computing, engineering, mathematics and science.
If the young aspie can be led into earning a living from his area of "special interest", I believe he will be content and functional in his world as an adult.
It is my belief however, from observation and experience, that this state of contentment and stability will be completely destroyed if he chooses to marry a neurotypical.
I believe the different brain patterns in people with Asperger's Syndrome do not allow for functional social interaction except on a very surface, factual level. I believe the aspie can be trained to say the right things at the right time, but have found that does not supply the emotional connection that is necessary for intimate relationships with neurotypicals.
Baby roses in the desert
Perhaps two cacti may exist happily together in the desert. However, think of the consequences of two cacti producing a baby rose. The baby rose, without any intention or effort from the cacti, would be subject to emotional deprivation and would be shredded in the desert. It is likely it would grow up stunted, without flowers and with very large thorns. Then it would look more like a cactus than a rose and would not fit into, or be accepted by, the rose garden.
Ultimately, the stunted, cactus-like rose would probably attract to itself another cactus rather than a rose. Unwittingly, then the rose would place itself in a marriage where all the pain, and more, of the rose's childhood would be revisited.
I wonder how many roses that are married to a cactus were in fact brought up by at least one cactus parent?
Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2000 Marguerite Long
This revised edition of Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2003
Marguerite Long, Email author marguerite@rosesandcacti.com
The author grants permission to copy this document provided it is for non-commercial purposes, is complete, unaltered and retains this copyright message.
The author grants permission to copy this document provided it is for non-commercial purposes, is complete, unaltered and retains this copyright message.
I see people with Asperger's Syndrome (aspies) as cacti, which are soft and vulnerable inside - but very soon in life they develop very cruel prickles to protect themselves from painful contacts with neurotypicals (NTs). Aspies belong in the desert. They are happy there. Occasionally they bloom - and it is so wonderful they light up the whole desert - but it is short-lived. Being natives of the desert they have the ability to withstand long periods of drought. When water is available they absorb it quickly and store it in their fleshy stems for times of need.
Cacti have a right to be cacti, and to live in the desert, and to have prickles.
I see neurotypicals as roses. The roots of roses must not be allowed to dry out. They need to be in a rose garden where they can constantly connect with other roses and be watered, fed and mulched. They need to be protected from the fierce heat of the desert and from shredding desert sandstorms. Most roses do not survive in the desert. The ones that do mostly become stunted, lose their flowers, develop larger ugly thorns, move into denial and often need medication. Medicated roses no longer see the harshness of the desert.
When the rose begins to wilt and tries to explain to the cactus that it needs rose food, the cactus will look out from the comfort of its stored reserves and ignore the rose. This is a form of passive aggression. As the roses's needs become desperate and the rose becomes increasingly demanding, the cactus can escalate to mental and emotional abuse in his lack of understanding of the rose's needs. The cactus does not mind if others are present - adding public humiliation to his abuse of the rose. When the pain of deprivation takes the rose beyond the boundaries of caution and reason, the cactus may escalate to door-slamming and physical abuse. The abused, starving rose retreats and grows a little more stunted and ugly.
Aspies do not understand that roses need rose food (emotional connection, tender loving care, appreciation, communication, time out for chatting complete with an emotional component, understanding, romance, etc.) Cactus food cannot nourish, or even sustain, a rose.
Aspies can only provide cactus food. When the rose begins to wilt and tries to explain that it needs rose food, the cactus will not understand and may call the rose "selfish" and "ungrateful". In the desert, with a prickly cactus, is a scary place for a rose to be. The rose will be deprived of intimate emotional connection, communication and love. Home-making will become a nightmare, because the cactus in his desert environment has no need for all the finishing touches that a rose would consider essential in her rose garden.
If a rose tries to bloom in the desert, the petals will be shredded by the merciless onslaught of the most ferocious desert sandstorms. In the process of desperately trying to provide myself with some mulch, water and food, I have mapped out a basic survival plan for a rose living in the desert with a cactus.
Survival plan for roses
1. Encouragement
When I have any sort of a petal on my rose at all that has not been shredded in a recent sandstorm, I try to apply myself to encouraging and acknowledging the strengths in my aspie cactus.
The soft, vulnerable part of the aspie is very receptive to praise and compliments and appreciation (like we all are, but I have found them to be more so). He has many good points. The problem is that the cruel sandstorms and the empty spareness of the desert have so stunted and shredded the rose that is me, that mostly I cannot even enjoy the good points. Nevertheless, I have found that encouragement and appreciation cause him to bloom in a very special way.
2. Quick forgiveness
There will be no remorse or apologies on the part of the cactus, because it only sees that it has been unfairly attacked and that the rose is ungrateful and too demanding. Eventually the rose has to find a way to forgive and keep going. This is survival because bitterness only hurts the rose and the cactus won't notice whether the rose is bitter or not.
3. A whole-body exerciser
Some means of exhausting the physical body is pretty much an essential first-aid emergency treatment for the larger, cruel, shredding, searing desert sandstorms. The clue is to stay with the exercise until the tears come. This is exhausting but healing and needs to be followed by step four.
4. A good book and a video
Roses need these as a first-aid measure to take the mind and emotions out of the desert and back into some sort of rose-garden environment.
5. Good friends.
Understanding friends are the remedy for the loneliness and the isolation of the desert. The problem is, to have a good friend you have to be a good friend. That is a very difficult thing to do for a stunted, shredded rose who is unwell through humiliation and lack of rose food. Internet support groups like FAAAS can be life preserving and a privilege at times like this.
6. Telephone counseling services that run 24 hours a day.
These are valuable for the desperate loneliness that hits around midnight and after. Just to hear another voice that is caring, accepting and non-judgmental does wonders.
7. Rose food
Roses have to supply their own. This is difficult when the cactus controls the budget and sees rose food as wasteful and extravagant. Gardening, reading, writing, painting, knitting, crocheting and loving chats with neighbours can often be invisibly worked into a desert budget.
8. Sleep
A cactus can be asleep within minutes of a desert sandstorm. A rose, however, will be hurting and desperate and may need to work through points three and four above.
9. Summary
The cactus is in the desert and easily survives the sandstorms. The rose cannot survive the shredding without lots of insight and protective measures on hand. Even then it is tough going!
Regarding marriage
Cacti have areas of brilliance that become their obsessions. Common obsessions are computers, technology, engineering and religion. Sometimes a male aspie will turn his obsessive interests towards a female neurotypical.
A cactus in full bloom is magnificent and very difficult for a rose to resist. At this early stage of the relationship the rose has not experienced, or been shredded by, the desert sandstorms - and has not been stunted by the emptiness and lack of nurture and food. The early cactus bloom stage may last some time (particularly if there are no children and the rose is financially independent).
However, the rose is now in the desert - and the desert does not sustain it. The wilt is inevitable. I am sorry to have to say it.
Many of the neurotypical women most likely to end up married to aspies had aspie fathers so the awful feelings of abuse and loneliness seem normal to them and almost comfortable because these feelings are so familiar.
Invisible wheelchairs
To a neurotypical, an aspie may seem emotionally disabled. Many people marry severely disabled people (such as quadriplegics) and with a lot of support and help manage to live reasonable lives. The difference here is that the quadriplegic knows he has the disability. Aspies mostly do not recognize their disability and mostly they judge the emotional interactions of neurotypical people as weakness and lack of self-discipline. Also, as you push around the quadriplegic's wheelchair people generally will make way for you, support you, even probably smile and affirm that you are doing a good job.
When a rose marries a cactus, the rose may come to feel that she is pushing an invisible wheelchair -on her own- without support and without help. People cannot "see" an invisible wheelchair, so the rose often may feel uncomfortable, even humiliated, when out in public with the cactus. In addition to this there may be a strong chance that offspring from this marriage could also be cacti. From the rose's perception - this amounts to more invisible wheelchairs.
Raising baby cacti
It is my opinion that young aspie cacti need people of insight to go in to bat for them. They need a kindly advocate. They are soft and vulnerable and do not yet have their protective prickles established.
I believe that whenever possible the young aspie's obsessions or "special interests" (and they may change as they get older) need to be nurtured and supported. These special interests are often computing, engineering, mathematics and science.
If the young aspie can be led into earning a living from his area of "special interest", I believe he will be content and functional in his world as an adult.
It is my belief however, from observation and experience, that this state of contentment and stability will be completely destroyed if he chooses to marry a neurotypical.
I believe the different brain patterns in people with Asperger's Syndrome do not allow for functional social interaction except on a very surface, factual level. I believe the aspie can be trained to say the right things at the right time, but have found that does not supply the emotional connection that is necessary for intimate relationships with neurotypicals.
Baby roses in the desert
Perhaps two cacti may exist happily together in the desert. However, think of the consequences of two cacti producing a baby rose. The baby rose, without any intention or effort from the cacti, would be subject to emotional deprivation and would be shredded in the desert. It is likely it would grow up stunted, without flowers and with very large thorns. Then it would look more like a cactus than a rose and would not fit into, or be accepted by, the rose garden.
Ultimately, the stunted, cactus-like rose would probably attract to itself another cactus rather than a rose. Unwittingly, then the rose would place itself in a marriage where all the pain, and more, of the rose's childhood would be revisited.
I wonder how many roses that are married to a cactus were in fact brought up by at least one cactus parent?
Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2000 Marguerite Long
This revised edition of Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2003
Marguerite Long, Email author marguerite@rosesandcacti.com
The author grants permission to copy this document provided it is for non-commercial purposes, is complete, unaltered and retains this copyright message.
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