Sunday, September 2, 2018

Only When Things are Really Bad

Seems the last few years I’ve only checked in here when things have been really bad.  Yes, this week has been Really bad.

Last night, for the first time, I told one of the children that their father has Asperger’s.  And told that child that “we marry our parents.”  Meaning we tend to marry into what we are used to and have grown up with.  Be aware, kiddo.  Examine potential future mates carefully, through the lens of knowledge.  Don’t have a marriage like ours.  PLEASE, please don’t!

Because in your marriage, I don’t want you hiding away in a locked bedroom or bathroom more hours than you can count.  It’s my alternative to divorce.  And I don’t want this for you.

I want you to be able to communicate with your future spouse.  I want you to feel heard, understood, and loved.  You haven’t grown up seeing a marriage with even the most basic biblical communication, and that is my biggest regret in life.  My regret is not so much that I didn’t have it for myself, but that our marriage didn’t model godly communication for you and your siblings.

I ache for myself tonight.  I ache for my children tonight.  I ache for the negative impact that will affect future generations.

Lord, have mercy.  Please, God, have mercy.


  1. I feel your pain.....I also am married to an aspie.....41 years. Most of spent begging for understanding and communication. Its a tough road for sure. What has been hardest for me is the lack of understanding from other "what is your problem" always percieved as I was the one with the problem. Not claiming perfection by any means.....but I was the glue that always kept the marriage together. Blessing to you and know that "I get it"

  2. Hi,
    I feel the same.
    I am not as articulate as you to tell you how I feel in English...because I speak French. And I don’t know anybody (Christian) here to speak with. I live in Quebec, Canada.

    I’d really like to be in contact with brothers and sisters who can understand my feelings and my struggles.
    How can I he in touch with you?

    1. Hi Nathalie :)

      Just stumbled across your post and wanted to reach out as a sister and offer some encouragement, understanding and hope.

      I have been married for 30 years the first 20 were extremely difficult as my husband wasn't diagnosed during those years, but since we found out things have dramatically turned around for our family and it has exceeded my expectations of how wonderful it can be, so please be encouraged with God all things truly are possible and when we start seeing our husbands how God sees them things do start changing for the better.

      If you would like to get in touch my email is I live on the Gold Coast in Australia.

      Nicola :)

  3. I'm sorry to hear that things are so bad for you and your husband right now.

    I'm new to your blog and just now saw some of your older posts where you mention how your husband would often get exceedingly angry and argumentative and you would need to lock yourself in the bedroom to get away from him. This sounds almost exactly like what my relationship with my boyfriend was like for a while several years ago.

    What finally fixed this situation, for my boyfriend and me, was him going to a psychiatrist and getting a prescription for Prozac, an anti-depressant that he had taken in the past but had stopped taking. Since he got back on Prozac, he and I have gotten along MUCH better.

    This leads me to wonder if the problems between you and your husband might be caused NOT JUST by the Aspie-vs.-NT divide, but perhaps also some co-morbid mental condition on his part that is causing him to be extremely irritable? Depression, for example, often manifests in men as extreme irritability -- and many (though not all) Aspies have depression too. Has your husband been diagnosed with any other mental condition(s) besides just Asperger's Syndrome / ASD? If not, have you tried to persuade your husband to look into this?

    A little more about my boyfriend and me: He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome -- as well as depression -- many years ago. But he and I do NOT have typical Aspie-vs.-NT issues; we get along easily and naturally for the most part, now that his depression is under control. Indeed the very fact that we get along so well is one of many reasons why we both believe I'm on the spectrum too; I have not been diagnosed but am currently seeking a diagnosis.

    So my situation is far from identical to yours, insofar as your husband and you do have Aspie-vs.-NT issues. (My boyfriend and I are also not Christian.)

    But still, I can't help but wonder if you might be blaming your husband's ASD for some things that might actually be due to (or at least exacerbated by) other conditions that might be far more treatable. If indeed that's the case, I hope you and he manage to find adequate help.

  4. I wish all the ladies married to a guy with Asperger's a lot of strength! I was about to marry an Asperger guy, but kept doubting. Only after I broke up with him, and searched the internet, I found out he must have this condition. How miserable and lonely must you feel! Nathalie, I hope you'll find women in Canada, I am sure there are many. May God bless you all!

  5. One more thing for your kids to watch out for as adults:

    Apparently some people who act like that, whether they have AS or not, choose to go join relatively conservative religious communities in order to find people who are encouraged to:

    (1) marry after courting for a few months or weeks, or not even court at all and have their marriages arranged by others (instead of taking years to get to know each other and learn more about how they're likely to treat each other if married)

    (2) stay in their marriages no matter how badly their spouses treat them (instead of leaving spouses who treat them badly)

    This makes it easier for an anti-social person to get and keep a sex partner (marital sex, of course), even if the person doesn't wholeheartedly believe in the community's religion.

    So, before you marry someone, are you sure that person actually shares your faith instead of just exploiting it to have sex...?

  6. Dear Aspmom, I have been following your posts for years. I know that you refuse to ask for divorce because of your Christian faith. But are you sure it is God's will that you and your children should suffer so much? Are you convinced that the Church is 100% right when they condemn divorce? God is merciful and only He can judge your heart. There are priests that are convicted of paedophilia and remain within the Church, there are priests who abuse nuns or other women under their authority and their hierarchy remains silent. Does the Church always know better?

    I not only worry about the emotional abuse you and your children must suffer but also about the image of God that this whole business is giving to your children. Because you believe in God, there is no way out of a terrible predicament. God wants us to be alive and full of joy but then because of His rules you have to remain in unhappiness whatever the circumstances. I am not sure that, if I was your child, I would want to believe in such a God...

    I know it is such a personal subject and that is none of my business, but I had to react because I cannot believe that God wants us to go against our own heart when it is a matter of emotional life and death. I hope you will not be offended.