Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Humdrum Holiday

My husband doesn't show much emotion over holidays, and is totally fine if nothing festive happens. Decorating the house?  Why bother?  Too much hassle.  Christmas tree?  Bah, too much money.  Thanksgiving feast?  Blah, too much money.  Gifts for family members?  Not necessary.  Or something cheap will do.

Making memories.  What's that?  
Traditions.  Why?

As if normal holiday stress were not difficult enough, the dull and deep ache of loneliness prevails and casts a shadow over the joys of the season.  

I carry the load.  I make the memories.  I keep the traditions.  Without me, the children would have very little by way of expression of celebration. 

To outsiders, we look like a happy couple.  And, sometimes, we are.   But, lately, the majority of the time . . . not so much.  It's time for another humdrum holiday.

What can I do?  What will help?

Look beyond the shadow.  Turn toward thankfulness to be able to turn away from the ache.

Pray to be able to make meaning out of the madness.

Your situation may be incredibly crazy-making.  But you are not crazy.  

And, always remember that you are not alone.  


  1. Dear Aspmom, I wish you a lot of strength to "guard your heart" and to distinguish between self-denial that is christian and self-denial that is not. May Gold help you at this particular time of the year!

  2. Aspmom,
    Keep up the good work. I can relate. My spouse doesn't want to face planning Christmas---he gets very irritated. I think it's better if I just make the plans what brings me joy and my offspring joy, rather than start a drama discussing it. Planning and "planting seeds" used to help but as we age it seems it is just better to do what I think will work. Less discussion, less stress.

  3. I don't know if this will relate in your mind. The Lord speaks to all of us so individually. But I thought I'd share what He taught me recently about loving the hard to love, especially those who have hurt you.
    I was reading Romans 12, which is talking about worshiping God by loving those He's given us to love. Verse 9 says "Let us love without hypocrisy" I stopped to think about that. Love without pretending. Love sincerely. This is speaking of self-sacrificing love for the good of another. How do you do that sincerely, without pretending? It's not fun. It doesn't feel good at all.
    I realized this is not feeling love. It's thinking love. This is love that overcomes my feelings with thinking or reasoning.
    1 Cor 13 says that this love bears all things (regardless of what comes), believes all things (looking for the best in each one), hopes all things (remaining steadfast during difficult times), endures all things (without weakening). (Amplified version). This is definitely thinking love.
    Then 1 Cor 13 says faith, hope & love abide. Finally it made sense to me. This love is based on faith in God, not people. It is supported by hope. It cannot abide apart from faith & hope. It transcends the human love we seek naturally. This is the love that allowed David to sincerely lament King Saul's death as much as he lamented Jonathan's. Saul was David's enemy & made his life absolute misery for decades. Yet David honored him, protected him & refused to hurt him. David loved Saul sincerely. Amazing!
    But David's love for Saul abided with faith & hope. And the day came when David saw all his faith & hope realized when God finally made him king.
    Now I realize that although there is a place for this type of love in every marriage, there is also a very reasonable expectation of enjoying the feeling love as well as practicing the thinking love. But it seems, from your other entries that you do enjoy that at times.
    I don't know. I just think that understanding why faith, hope & self-sacrificing love abide is helpful for when we are called to practice it. We love thinking love because of our faith in God & our hope in all His promises. I can trust that no matter what another person does, God is still on the throne & accomplishing what He's promised.
    "I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad & my glory rejoices; my flesh also will dwell securely." Ps 16:8-9
    Praying for you!

  4. Hi. I just found your blog. Do you have another blog going as this one seems to stop at November 2016. I would like to continue reading about your life with your Aspie. Please reply.