Friday, May 4, 2012

Problem Solving and Cross Bearing

Just have to pop in and share this helpful resource for Christian spouses who are married to someone with Aspergers Syndrome.  The book is Family Vocation:  God's Calling in Marriage, Parenting, and Childhood by Gene Edward Veith jr. and Mary J. Moerbe.  Also available with Kindle app.

I've only read some of the chapter on marriage and it's got some powerful points.  Some very strong emphasis on authority and submission (maybe a little too strong even for me, ahem), but some helpful meat for aspie spouses to chew on as well.

Here's a morsel from page 99 of 233: 

"Spouses should also realize that in this fallen world, not all problems can be solved.  A cross cannot be made to disappear by applying some simple formula or technique.  A cross has to be borne.  Distinguishing between problems and crosses can be very helpful, practically speaking.  A problem, such as a disagreement, may indeed have a solution.  But something like grief or a disability or an intransigent characteristic of one's spouse cannot be "fixed" but only borne."

But wait, there's more.  :)  You're not left with 'grin and bear it' or even just 'hang in there' but rather with encouragement about forgiveness, the importance of not suffering alone but rather reaching out to other Christians to help you, the fact that we are all sinners, etc.

So what is Aspergers, huh?  A problem to be solved?  Hmmm... the communication troubles are problems that can (sometimes) be worked through.  But the "intransigent characteristic of one's spouse"?  Well, that . . . aspergers . . . must be borne.

Keep chewing and chewing so you can break it up until able to swallow. 

Try super hard not to spit, okay?



  1. okay just a thought from my experience being married 20 years to an "informally diagnosed" aspergers spouse. I think there are 2 basic problems with communication between spouses: one is describing and communication about what the communication means, the other is solving problems and connecting together-intimacy. So I have found it frustrating and targeting blame and shame if I focus too much on what "the communication means, or conveys to others or that nonverbal communication is 80% of all communication and try to convince my husband of his aspergers tendencies or that what he is doing is wrong"-I have found that our communication is better if I focus more on the concrete problems that the communication brings up-for me and for him but not letting aspergers be the fault of it all. Does that make sense?-yes aspergers is the problem so to speak but it also shouldn't define our relationship entirely...Easy-NO.....But it is good to put my
    energy in the right direction

  2. Asp Mom I was so delighted to see you back. I know your blog was officially complete in many ways. I really enjoy your perspective and wisdom. Come back anytime you can! We love you! Aspielover4christ

    Ps. I have found lately that pressure and discomfort will never go away. We can only learn to manage it.

  3. as a Christ-centered wife of an aspie man, i've found that laughing also helps - hence my blog - thank you LORD for humor!

  4. I just found your website today. I wanted to cry and shout for joy knowing that I am not the only woman out there with an AS Husband and a AS/SPD Daughter. I have read many of your post and will be reading more. I can't thank you enough for your blogging. THANK YOU!!! I will be visiting a lot now :-)