Another quote from A.W. Tozer:
"We expect to enter the everlasting kingdom of our Father and to sit down around the table with sages, saints and martyrs; and through the grace of God, maybe we shall, maybe we shall.
But for the most of us it could prove at first an embarrassing experience. Ours might be the silence of the untried soldier in the presence of the battle-hardened heroes who have fought the fight and won the victory and who have scars to prove that they were present when the battle was joined.
The devil, things, and people being what they are, it is necessary for God to use the hammer, the file, and the furnace in his holy work of preparing a saint for true sainthood.
It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Pain and Suffering
For suffering Christians, the book "Be Still, My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose and Provision in Suffering; 25 Classic and Contemporary Readings on the Problem of Pain", edited by Nancy Guthrie, is a must to own.
Here's just a little taste of the wealth of encouragement (which ranges as far back as St. Augustine and moves to the present day writings of the likes of John Piper and Joni Eareckson Tada):
"Strange as it may sound, it is yet true that much of the suffering we are called upon to endure on the highway of holiness is an inward suffering for which scarcely an external cause can be found. For our journey is an inward journey, and our real foes are invisible to the eyes of men.
Attacks of darkness, of despondency, of acute self-depreciation may be endured without any change in our outward circumstances. Only the enemy and God and the hard-pressed Christian know what has taken place.
The inward suffering has been great and a mighty work of purification has been accomplished, but the heart knoweth its own sorrow and no one else can share it. God has cleansed his child in the only way he can, circumstances being what they are.
Thank God for the furnace."
A.W. Tozer (1897-1963)
Here's just a little taste of the wealth of encouragement (which ranges as far back as St. Augustine and moves to the present day writings of the likes of John Piper and Joni Eareckson Tada):
"Strange as it may sound, it is yet true that much of the suffering we are called upon to endure on the highway of holiness is an inward suffering for which scarcely an external cause can be found. For our journey is an inward journey, and our real foes are invisible to the eyes of men.
Attacks of darkness, of despondency, of acute self-depreciation may be endured without any change in our outward circumstances. Only the enemy and God and the hard-pressed Christian know what has taken place.
The inward suffering has been great and a mighty work of purification has been accomplished, but the heart knoweth its own sorrow and no one else can share it. God has cleansed his child in the only way he can, circumstances being what they are.
Thank God for the furnace."
A.W. Tozer (1897-1963)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The "Committed" Aspie's Wife
Word of warning to aspies who are reading this . . . . You may want to skip this post. It is an honest account of a neurotypical's struggle. It delves into a different perspective--one that is trying to understand and cope with NT/AS reality. I sincerely hope you do not take offense. Please realize we NT wives need some "hooks" to hang this new found knowledge on, and sometimes it sounds harsh. It can help us to be able to compartmentalize, organize, and see order in the midst of the confusing chaos.
Some wives of aspies are 100% committed to the relationship. Often, these are the wives with strong religious beliefs. But even though we are committed, we sometimes flail about in utter confusion as to what we are actually dealing with. We want to understand where we are, because we are NOT in the relationship we always thought we would have.
Times have been rough around here lately for various reasons. My commitment has begun to make me feel like one 'committed' to an institution. It has recently felt like I am in a prison of sorts. A white-collar prison, with many comforts and amenities. But a prison all the same.
And the aspie of the house is the prison guard. There is a sense of freedom when the guard is away. But when he is around, the inmates must show respect. You must expect nothing from him other than provision of basic needs. You must not expect understanding or friendship or compassion. He's the guard. You follow his rules, keep calm, and make sure all things are in order. Straighten up. Show respect. Yield to authority. It's prison after all.
But if you are a Christian, you are, like the apostle Paul, a prisoner of the Lord. You participate in His sufferings. For a reason. It's so much easier when you think about it in this light, isn't it?
On the surface, it certainly feels like life is horrible. It's easy to be full of self-pity. Woe is me. The majority tell you to break out, break away, and never look back.
But delving into the spiritual meaning in it all, your sufferings are not in vain. If you were imprisoned on the mission field, you would see purpose in your jail time. You would strive to show honor and love toward your enemies, and toward the prison guards. You would aim to be a witness for good in the midst of the trial.
So remember, if you are a Christian who is committed to the relationship, you are called to serve each day, even when it feels as if you are a prisoner, for the glory of God.
"Life isn't all about me" should be the Christian's motto to follow. And managing to stay in an NT/AS relationship is the perfect chance to work that motto out each and every day.
Some wives of aspies are 100% committed to the relationship. Often, these are the wives with strong religious beliefs. But even though we are committed, we sometimes flail about in utter confusion as to what we are actually dealing with. We want to understand where we are, because we are NOT in the relationship we always thought we would have.
Times have been rough around here lately for various reasons. My commitment has begun to make me feel like one 'committed' to an institution. It has recently felt like I am in a prison of sorts. A white-collar prison, with many comforts and amenities. But a prison all the same.
And the aspie of the house is the prison guard. There is a sense of freedom when the guard is away. But when he is around, the inmates must show respect. You must expect nothing from him other than provision of basic needs. You must not expect understanding or friendship or compassion. He's the guard. You follow his rules, keep calm, and make sure all things are in order. Straighten up. Show respect. Yield to authority. It's prison after all.
But if you are a Christian, you are, like the apostle Paul, a prisoner of the Lord. You participate in His sufferings. For a reason. It's so much easier when you think about it in this light, isn't it?
On the surface, it certainly feels like life is horrible. It's easy to be full of self-pity. Woe is me. The majority tell you to break out, break away, and never look back.
But delving into the spiritual meaning in it all, your sufferings are not in vain. If you were imprisoned on the mission field, you would see purpose in your jail time. You would strive to show honor and love toward your enemies, and toward the prison guards. You would aim to be a witness for good in the midst of the trial.
So remember, if you are a Christian who is committed to the relationship, you are called to serve each day, even when it feels as if you are a prisoner, for the glory of God.
"Life isn't all about me" should be the Christian's motto to follow. And managing to stay in an NT/AS relationship is the perfect chance to work that motto out each and every day.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Movie "The Switch" (has hints of asperger's); Autism the Musical
The movie "The Switch" with Jason Bateman and Jennifer Anniston seems to portray a man and a little boy with several autistic traits. I really enjoyed the movie and want to watch it again, next time paying closer attention to those characters.
I also recently watched "Autism: The Musical" and heartily recommend it. Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time! I empathized so much with the parents of the autistic children.
I also recently watched "Autism: The Musical" and heartily recommend it. Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time! I empathized so much with the parents of the autistic children.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Homeschooling with Asperger's Syndrome
Before we married, my husband and I knew we wanted to homeschool any children we may have. At the time, our reasons were primarily religious. But now I can see great benefit in homeschooling for other reasons, too. Particularly if the children are on the autism spectrum!
I certainly do not believe homeschooling is the "only" or even the best option for every family. Parents who seriously personally struggle with self-discipline, self-control, and with lovingly instructing their own children should probably not homeschool. But mere "fear" of not knowing enough, not having enough patience, not having the strength . . . those characteristics can, and will, all be developed along the way. There are many, many step-by-step helps out there for schedules, curriculum and more. So don't let a feeling of being unqualified stop you from homeschooling. Reading, Writing, and 'Rithmetic are the basic necessities to focus on in the younger years. Once you get into higher learning (chemistry, physics, and such), there are often co-ops, tutors, and other classes available outside of the home. But I digress.
For the family with an autistic child, homeschooling has unparalleled benefits. These include:
1. Avoiding bullies and avoiding being made to feel 'stupid', 'weird', or worse, by immature peers.
2. Time (hours and hours and hours of it) to pursue one's special interest and hobbies. If desired, all subjects of the school day can be designed to revolve around the child's special interest. Learning can be fun and interesting. The child can truly become an expert in his field of interest without the gobs of wasted time involved in the typical school day.
3. Ability of the family to introduce a wide variety of educational material in many forms. This includes an incredible opportunity for various educational field trips. Also enables encouraging the in-depth study of many different subjects, in hopes of the child finding more special interests along the way.
4. Time for therapies and extra-curricular activities.
5. Allowing the child to move at his own pace without being held back where they excel, or made to feel stupid in areas where they struggle. One of my children is three years ahead in reading, and a year behind in math. And that's totally okay and they are not in a 'special ed' class because of it.
6. Avoidance of the battles for IEPs, after-school homework (there's plenty of time in a regular day to get all the sit-down schoolwork done, ya know), teacher meetings, school fundraisers, and all the other worries and hassles parents must suffer when their children are in school (glad to say I don't even know all that is involved).
7. One-on-one instruction in a sensory stable (and diet-controlled) environment. Less distractions. Less trauma. Less pain. Less frustration.
At a recent live presentation, I heard a mom ask Mr. Robison (author of "Look Me in the Eye") if he was opposed to homeschooling for children on the spectrum. He responded that he was NOT opposed to it, as long as the child was involved with a 'pack' of children . . . like in extracurricular activities or other homeschool group activities or classes.
Isolation can be detrimental for a child on the spectrum, as he won't have the opportunity for practicing social skills in a group. But in today's homeschooling scene, groups are very, very easy to find. The argument about a lack of socialization holds very little water for the vast majority of the homeschoolers of this decade. In homeschooling circles, as our packs of children are happily mingling together, we parents heartily laugh at the absurdity of such an argument. :)
In an autism parent support group I attended, the conversation revolved around how sullen, sad, lonely, and bullied their children were because of the peers in their schools. It was absolutely heartbreaking to hear. I came away more certain than ever that our decision to devote so much hard work, time, energy, and money to homeschooling was the right thing for us to do.
My homeschooled children are happy. Seriously happy. NOT bullied by their peers. Part of a pack of children. Enjoying extracurricular activities. And they have oodles of time to pursue their special interests. Learning is fun for them and not considered geekish or strange. It's life. For our family, homeschooling is a very, very good thing.
I certainly do not believe homeschooling is the "only" or even the best option for every family. Parents who seriously personally struggle with self-discipline, self-control, and with lovingly instructing their own children should probably not homeschool. But mere "fear" of not knowing enough, not having enough patience, not having the strength . . . those characteristics can, and will, all be developed along the way. There are many, many step-by-step helps out there for schedules, curriculum and more. So don't let a feeling of being unqualified stop you from homeschooling. Reading, Writing, and 'Rithmetic are the basic necessities to focus on in the younger years. Once you get into higher learning (chemistry, physics, and such), there are often co-ops, tutors, and other classes available outside of the home. But I digress.
For the family with an autistic child, homeschooling has unparalleled benefits. These include:
1. Avoiding bullies and avoiding being made to feel 'stupid', 'weird', or worse, by immature peers.
2. Time (hours and hours and hours of it) to pursue one's special interest and hobbies. If desired, all subjects of the school day can be designed to revolve around the child's special interest. Learning can be fun and interesting. The child can truly become an expert in his field of interest without the gobs of wasted time involved in the typical school day.
3. Ability of the family to introduce a wide variety of educational material in many forms. This includes an incredible opportunity for various educational field trips. Also enables encouraging the in-depth study of many different subjects, in hopes of the child finding more special interests along the way.
4. Time for therapies and extra-curricular activities.
5. Allowing the child to move at his own pace without being held back where they excel, or made to feel stupid in areas where they struggle. One of my children is three years ahead in reading, and a year behind in math. And that's totally okay and they are not in a 'special ed' class because of it.
6. Avoidance of the battles for IEPs, after-school homework (there's plenty of time in a regular day to get all the sit-down schoolwork done, ya know), teacher meetings, school fundraisers, and all the other worries and hassles parents must suffer when their children are in school (glad to say I don't even know all that is involved).
7. One-on-one instruction in a sensory stable (and diet-controlled) environment. Less distractions. Less trauma. Less pain. Less frustration.
At a recent live presentation, I heard a mom ask Mr. Robison (author of "Look Me in the Eye") if he was opposed to homeschooling for children on the spectrum. He responded that he was NOT opposed to it, as long as the child was involved with a 'pack' of children . . . like in extracurricular activities or other homeschool group activities or classes.
Isolation can be detrimental for a child on the spectrum, as he won't have the opportunity for practicing social skills in a group. But in today's homeschooling scene, groups are very, very easy to find. The argument about a lack of socialization holds very little water for the vast majority of the homeschoolers of this decade. In homeschooling circles, as our packs of children are happily mingling together, we parents heartily laugh at the absurdity of such an argument. :)
In an autism parent support group I attended, the conversation revolved around how sullen, sad, lonely, and bullied their children were because of the peers in their schools. It was absolutely heartbreaking to hear. I came away more certain than ever that our decision to devote so much hard work, time, energy, and money to homeschooling was the right thing for us to do.
My homeschooled children are happy. Seriously happy. NOT bullied by their peers. Part of a pack of children. Enjoying extracurricular activities. And they have oodles of time to pursue their special interests. Learning is fun for them and not considered geekish or strange. It's life. For our family, homeschooling is a very, very good thing.
Relationship Help for Women with Asperger's Syndrome
This year I attended a large autism conference. There were many excellent talks led by various professionals in the field of autism, but the session that had the most profound effect on me came from a Q and A panel with autistic adults. I'm still processing and trying to take it all in.
The women with aspergers shared that the most helpful book they have found to improve their relationships is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Another book called "The Art of Talking" was mentioned, but I'm sorry to say I'm not sure exactly which book/author they were referring to as there are more than one with similar titles.
It seemed that these female aspies deeply valued being accepted by others, and they were frustrated by how often they are wrongly judged and misunderstood.
Reading and applying the relationship skills advice found in the above mentioned books could be invaluable helps in maintaining and deepening relationships with others. If you don't learn how to communicate and show concern and care for others in the way they need/want you to, you will have very few good friendships. If you are unable to reciprocate relationally in the typical fashion, others will feel they are the only one holding the relationship together. A few maternal, committed types will stick by you. Most folks will let the relationship go. But you do have the power to sustain friendships if you realize it takes work and commitment to learn how. There is hope! Just don't expect it to be easy.
The best success will come when you determine to learn absolutely all you can about communicating with others and making friendships flourish. If this area becomes your special interest and new hobby, you could not only master the skills, but also then be able to teach others about the art of keeping relationships strong!
The women with aspergers shared that the most helpful book they have found to improve their relationships is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Another book called "The Art of Talking" was mentioned, but I'm sorry to say I'm not sure exactly which book/author they were referring to as there are more than one with similar titles.
It seemed that these female aspies deeply valued being accepted by others, and they were frustrated by how often they are wrongly judged and misunderstood.
Reading and applying the relationship skills advice found in the above mentioned books could be invaluable helps in maintaining and deepening relationships with others. If you don't learn how to communicate and show concern and care for others in the way they need/want you to, you will have very few good friendships. If you are unable to reciprocate relationally in the typical fashion, others will feel they are the only one holding the relationship together. A few maternal, committed types will stick by you. Most folks will let the relationship go. But you do have the power to sustain friendships if you realize it takes work and commitment to learn how. There is hope! Just don't expect it to be easy.
The best success will come when you determine to learn absolutely all you can about communicating with others and making friendships flourish. If this area becomes your special interest and new hobby, you could not only master the skills, but also then be able to teach others about the art of keeping relationships strong!
Friday, April 1, 2011
How to Relate to Women with Aspergers
There are several women with strong autistic traits in the extended family and I am often completely puzzled when I try to understand and communicate with them. Overall I am finding it very difficult to find information on how to relate to women with asperger's syndrome. Any links or advice you can share in the comments are most welcome.
What do females with aspergers want from their female friends and relatives? What is the best way to communicate with women on the autism spectrum?
I don't sense that they desire to connect emotionally. I don't sense they have interest in understanding the hearts or minds of NTs. Generally I sense little interest in improving their own communication skills (because they don't see why that is important or what difference it will make, maybe?).
My best guess is that women on the spectrum simply want to be accepted for who they are. They want to be unconditionally loved. They want you to overlook their foibles, understand that they care about you (even though they don't communicate it well), and want you to not take offense (because none was meant). They want you to smile and seem cheerful and pleased with them. Don't cry or get too emotional because that is very uncomfortable for them. If they like you, they want you to spend time with them by doing activities together (and not necessarily talking much). And that's about it, right? Nothing more is expected or required . . . ?
To the female aspies reading this . . . know that there are many of us who are trying to maintain good relationships with women on the spectrum. Please realize we want to understand you and we are working very hard to be "close" to you. We honestly just don't know how.
What do females with aspergers want from their female friends and relatives? What is the best way to communicate with women on the autism spectrum?
I don't sense that they desire to connect emotionally. I don't sense they have interest in understanding the hearts or minds of NTs. Generally I sense little interest in improving their own communication skills (because they don't see why that is important or what difference it will make, maybe?).
My best guess is that women on the spectrum simply want to be accepted for who they are. They want to be unconditionally loved. They want you to overlook their foibles, understand that they care about you (even though they don't communicate it well), and want you to not take offense (because none was meant). They want you to smile and seem cheerful and pleased with them. Don't cry or get too emotional because that is very uncomfortable for them. If they like you, they want you to spend time with them by doing activities together (and not necessarily talking much). And that's about it, right? Nothing more is expected or required . . . ?
To the female aspies reading this . . . know that there are many of us who are trying to maintain good relationships with women on the spectrum. Please realize we want to understand you and we are working very hard to be "close" to you. We honestly just don't know how.
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