Roses, Cacti, and now Daisies

Anyone else getting sick of the roses and cacti symbols that are so often used for NT/Aspie relationships?  Personally, I don't even like roses anymore.  They are beautiful when in bloom, but they wilt so quickly and so easily without tender care.  Too painful to contemplate the similarities.  So I'm done with roses.  If you noticed my new profile pic, I'm now particularly fond of daisies. 

Daisies are hearty little flowers that can take a lot of neglect and still stay pretty.  Then of course there's the symbolism of the "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" petal-picking game.  Quite fitting description for the emotional ups and downs in an NT/Aspie marriage, don't you think? 

Straight-lined petals (like their pattern?), often plain and white (and we must think in black and white so often!), but they can sometimes be found with cheerful splashes of color:

DAISY IDOMS:
"Fresh as a daisy" = full of energy and enthusiasm
"Pushing up the daisies" = to be dead 

Two extremes for one little flower. 

I like it.  :)
And it fits.

Attitude and Actions

A cheerful attitude and kind actions are likely all an aspie wants from his spouse.  Gavin's excellent keywords for understanding aspies and affection are found in his Valentine's post at the Life With Aspergers blog: "Smiles and Hugs." Simple, and oh, so true.  He just wants smiles and hugs! 

Sadly, what aspie males probably don't comprehend is what is required of him to elicit those things from her.  And so the two most important things to him are probably the very last things he tends to get.

For all of this to really work a few steps must be taken. 
1.  First, the NT wife absolutely must give up the hope and expectation that her aspie spouse is or ever will be deeply interested in her innermost thoughts or feelings.  He doesn't have any interest in (or ability to be) 'connecting' with what makes her who she is spiritually and emotionally at the core of her being.  Such a bitter pill to swallow.  But to heal the marriage, it must be swallowed!  And that pill must be swallowed every time the cancerous bitterness creeps back into her heart.  She might lose some hair (from pulling it out in frustration!) while taking this treatment pill, but keep in mind any negative side effects will be worth suffering, to reach the healing outcome ahead.

2.  Next, she must clearly communicate to him that she is deeply *unhappy and needs him to do X, Y, and Z to help make her happy.  X, Y, and Z must be tangible, practical, things/actions that can be carried out by someone with asperger's syndrome.

*(Sometimes 'unhappiness' is not understood by the aspie when explained in words, but may only be understood by some degree of absence of warm attitude and actions.  This is a tough one to grapple with as a Christian, and will be the subject of another post.)

3.  The Aspie must make X, Y, and Z a top priority of things he must do regularly in his life.  This means it comes before paying the bills, before brushing his teeth, before whatever his 'special interest' is.  Before anything that gets the first/most of his time or money should come X, Y, and Z that show his wife he loves her in the ways she wants to be shown.  And so he must swallow his own bitter pill -- one he believes to be a placebo because X, Y, and Z make no sense to his brain and he truly doesn't believe it will make any difference whatsoever in the NT's attitude or actions.

But I can tell you that it will make a difference.  Her attitude and actions will change for the better.  Magically, somehow, without your being able to understand it, those inner workings of the heart will cause outer workings of cheerful attitudes and actions.  Smiles and hugs will reappear.  If, and likely only if, you get to work on her 'Honey Do You Love Me' list of X, Y, Z.

Sticky Note Reminders for the Christian NT Wife

When the hard times hit, and the INSANITY you feel in your NT/AS marriage begins to take over . . .

It helps to hear over and over, again and again, the little reminders that bring back some semblance of sane.

1.  This is neurological wiring of the brain.

2.  You must drop your "NT" expectations! The surest way to avoid disappointment is not to expect anything from others.


3.   This is a very difficult trial to live with.

4.  This lonely trial can and should draw you closer to Christ, depending on Him as your very closest friend.

5.  This fiery trial is ordained by God for your good, to sanctify you (which is just a theological word for make you more like Christ).


And most importantly, remember to "above all, fervently love one another."  1 Peter 1:22

NT/AS Christian Counseling

Members of the leadership of our church recently attempted an intial (and brief) counseling session with my husband and me.  As he does not acknowledge that he may have Asperger's Syndrome, I did not mention it during that meeting.  Autism or any reference to "autistic traits" did not enter the conversation.

And it seemed very unfair to me.  For his sake!

He was gently censured and told that it is his responsibility to emotionally connect with his wife.  As much as the angry, bitter part of me wanted to stick out my tongue and say "NahNahIToldYouSo!"  I didn't do that.  :)  I felt sorry for him.  But what's a gal to do, huh?  He gets angry if the "A" word is used at all in reference to himself.  He would be livid if I "accused" him of being autistic in front of anyone else.

Aspies, please don't take this harshly, I'm fighting for him on this one . . . but those counselors may as well have told a blind man to parallel park between two brick walls without getting a single scratch on the car!  They are demanding something of him he is not capable of doing, aren't they?!  They are making him feel like a failure, and feel guilty for something he cannot help, right?

Obviously,  I can see he's bringing this on himself by his total denial of Asperger's.  That part is his fault and I am at a loss as to how to help him.  Many folks talk about the failure of counseling NT/AS couples when autism  is not brought into the equation.  Now I can see for myself that it truly doesn't work.

It may even make things worse.

"A Rough Companion"

This quote from "The Loveliness of Christ" seemed quite applicable to me as a Christian aspergers wife:

"He cutteth off your love to the creature, that ye might learn that God only is the right owner of your love, sorrow, loss, sadness, death, or the worst things that are, except sin:  but Christ knoweth well what to make of them, and can put his own in the crosses common, that we shall be obliged to affliction, and thank God, who learned us to make our acquaintance with such a rough companion, who can hale us to Christ."

The Medicated Rose

Know that I am not at all 'throwing stones' at anyone who chooses medication to deal with their emotional problems.  If it works for you, then praise God!  I consider it for myself once per month at least. 

But two things stop me from accepting the offered prescriptions from my doctor.  One is that I really do grow more spiritually during the hard times and trials God gives me.  But to be very honest, that spiritual (ized?) reason alone doesn't stop me from taking meds.  You can certainly be a growing Christian while on medication!  What stops me dead in my tracks when I am tempted to take meds for emotional problems is the potential side effects and withdrawal issues that may result from the medicine itself.

Will Medicine Stop the Pain?: Finding God's Healing for Depression, Anxiety, and Other Troubling Emotions by Dr. Laura Hendrickson is definitely worth reading if you are considering or are taking such medications.  Dr. Hendrickson is a biblical counselor, mom to an autistic son, formerly a practicing psychiatrist, and once took some of these medications herself.  This book explores the reasons one should be very careful about certain medications and she shares her personal (and almost tragic) story from her time on anti-depressant medications.

Most close to home, though, is a friend of mine who has suffered from pain and depression for many years.  She is currently having horrific side effects from her years of being on anti-psychotic drugs.  She will tell you these side effects (which no doctor can figure out how to treat!) are worse than all the pain and all the depression she suffered for so long.  While watching her and seeing how awfully she is now daily suffering  from the side effects of a drug, I decide anew to keep plodding through these trials, unmedicated.

Please don't feel harshly judged if you are taking these meds.  I am very thankful for medications that help when we need them.  God uses many different means to work in different folks' lives.   However, I do encourage you to read Dr. Hendrickson's book to get a different perspective than many doctors may give you.  And then, whatever you decide, go forward in faith! 

Throwing Stones at Aspies

"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  John 8:7

NT wives complain, rant, and rave with numerous "aspie attacks" on internet forums. It is actually quite frightening to read what some women will say (to the world!) about their husbands. These women obviously don't recognize the sin in their own hearts. They (and we) are all hypocrites.

John Calvin in his commentary on John 8:7 says "by this word he only reproves hypocrites, who mildly flatter themselves and their vices, but are excessively severe, and even act the part of felons, in censuring others. No man shall be prevented by his own sins from correcting the sins of others, and even from punishing them, when it may be found necessary, provided that both in himself and in others he hate what ought to be condemned; and in addition to all this, every man ought to begin by interrogating his own conscience, and by acting both as witness and judge against himself, before he come to others. In this manner shall we, without hating men, make war with sins."

So without hating the aspie, and all the while hating the sin in our own hearts, one can ask "What are the particular sins common to Asperger's Syndrome?" One counseling lecture entitled "How To Counsel an Adult with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome" explored how the aspie is often very selfish.  Not considering others' perspectives and feelings is certainly self-centered and selfish. The aspie may have no comprehension that he is being selfish and likely has no intention of being selfish. And this makes change seem impossible.  But his not acknowledging his sin, especially once it is explained to him, is evidence of sinful pride. He is too proud to show humility by acknowledging (though others expressly point it out to him) that he is at fault. Is he to blame for this? No, not to blame (because he is wired this way), but he is still responsible. Because we are all required by God to be perfect, as Christ is perfect, even though it is impossible to ever reach perfection before Christ returns.

Huh? Exactly. It is a mystery, and I cannot explain it. Biblical counselors and theologians can help make it more clear than I can. But what little I can grasp is a comfort during the times I am scratching my head at the wonder of the autistic brain. It helps me to recognize what I can and do what I can to deal with the difficulties.   In a nutshell . . . .

1. My aspie spouse is selfish and self-centered in not thinking of others or understanding their feelings and perspectives. The fact that he does not see this about himself exhibits a great deal of pride. He should accept this to be true, even without understanding it, and should work on doing all that he can to change his sinful behaviours.

2. My responses to him are, at their root, selfish, self-centered, and a result of pride (thinking I deserve better or that I am better). It is hypocritical to "throw stones" at him when I have the exact same weaknesses (which may simply be displayed differently).

And so daily we should forgive, pray, forbear, and love. Humbling ourselves and looking at our own hearts, we should strive to overcome our faults and grow through the trials of living with and loving difficult people.  Because we are all, every one of us, difficult people to live with.

"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  John 8:7