Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD)

Lately I've been reading about Central Auditory Processing Disorder.  CAPD is often a co morbid condition of autism, ADD, OCD, and more, but it can stand alone.  CAPD is diagnosed by an audiologist who utilizes a variety of testing methods.  First a hearing test must be conducted.  Then the auditory processing testing takes place in a sound-proof booth and includes listening to different words in each ear at the same time, distinguishing between those words as well as between words with slightly different sounds, trying to understand statements while also hearing loud background noise (ex., the sounds of a crowd of people babbling), and more. 

Some of the symptoms in children (as listed at  http://www.capdtest.com/ ):

Frequently misunderstands oral instructions or questions
Delays in responding to oral instructions or questions
Says "Huh" or "What" frequently
Frequently needs repetition of directions or information
Frequently needs requests repetition
Has problems understanding in background noise
Is easily distracted by background noise
May have problems with phonics or discriminating speech sounds
May have poor expressive or receptive language
May have spelling, reading, and other academic problems
May have behavioral problems 

It's possible that an adult who refuses to acknowledge autism or asperger's (and refuses to undergo psychological testing) might be open to being tested by an audiologist for an auditory processing disorder.   A diagnosis of CAPD could be very helpful in an NT/AS relationship.  Mutual understanding and acknowledgement of an underlying medical condition (especially one which could be contributing to communication problems) would be a step forward in a suffering marriage!

Theology and the Autistic Mind

Much has been written about how the brilliance and logic of the autistic mind often finds a home in engineering, computing, accounting, and music.  But there is little published about the autistic mind when applied to the special interest of theology.

It does seem that many Christians with Asperger's Syndrome and High Functioning Autism are drawn to Reformed theology.  Reformed theology is logical, rational, and seeks to interpret the Bible with an intellectual approach, explaining what the Bible teaches within an accurate historical context.  So it makes sense that when an aspie's interest is theology and religion, he could become obsessed with a branch of theology that has a very logical, rational (and often literal within the context of each text) interpretation of the Scriptures.

But within Reformed theology there is an extreme branch to which many of the most philosophical, logical, and intellectual men are particularly drawn, called Biblical Theology.  It is also referred to as the Redemptive-Historical method of interpretation.  This group is highly criticized for not applying the Word to the people, or "for not drawing the text into a person's world."  Its opponents say it is "too theological and too intellectual for Sunday morning."  For the typical man or woman in the pew, a diet of such sermons is a starvation diet as practical application of the Bible to everyday life is ignored. 

People with traits of Asperger's Syndrome often have a very different way of understanding human relationships.  And in theology, there could be a distinct difference in how the aspie understands both a relationship to God and the Bible's application to one's life.  An aspie may thrive under Redemptive Historical teaching as it reaches his intellect like no other theology can.  Aspies generally have a gift for being intrinsically motivated when they comprehend a rule or truth, so a person with strong Asperger's traits may be able to make his own sort of application from such teaching.  But the typical believer is unhappy when he is unable to clearly understand how what he sees and hears applies to his personal relationship with God, the text, and others.  He wants and needs to be taught how the Bible applies to him.

All this to say . . . Neuro-typical women (particularly those who are married to men with autistic traits) should be aware of the potential dangers in Redemptive Historical teaching. You may already be struggling emotionally and feeling very lonely due to autism in your home.  It is probable that such preaching, and likely the leadership in such a church, won't help you.  Being a member of a church which strongly adheres to "Biblical Theology" may cause a woman in an Asperger's relationship to suffer even more.  Find a church with solid doctrine that also includes practical application from the Bible.  You need such teaching and guidance in order to grow spiritually.  Take care.  Make sure you are in a church that can truly nourish your soul!

But What About All These Emotions

The primary question that keeps coming back to the NT in an NT/AS relationship, is "What about all my emotions?"  How to understand and deal with all the feelings that attack, confuse, and frustrate the NT on a daily basis is something I have not mastered.

I've never thought of myself as a people pleaser, codependent, or one who is easily swayed by peer pressure.  But the book When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man by Edward Welch is eye-opening in its discussions of emotions and our relationship to God and man.

One helpful phrase from the book that is worth memorizing is

"Need people less, and love people more."

When I am struggling with my emotions, I reflect on those words and try to change my focus.  I should need God more than I need others.  I should care more what God thinks about me than what others think of me.  And I should be loving toward those who do not love me back (at least in the way I expect that they should).  

 

NT/AS Clue: In Sickness and In Sickness

NT/AS Clue:  When the NT is sick, the Aspie should frequently check in and see how she is and find out if she needs anything.  The NT must put on a robe of forgiveness, drop all of her normal expectations, and ask for what she needs.

This seems to be a recurring theme for me, and I believe it is for many NT aspie's wives.  When we are sick and are consequently ignored, all of the anger and bitterness, self-pity and loneliness, pain, and as much as I hate to admit it, what could honestly be labeled in these moments as hatred comes bubbling up to the surface. 

I mistakenly thought and hoped that bad stuff in my heart was almost gone.  The truth is that I have a long way to go, much to work on in myself, and times of pain, trials, and afflictions bring to light my weaknesses.  The great news is that in our weakest moments, when we are at the end of ourselves and have nothing left, we know grace and the power of God to give us strength.

What can the aspie do to help his NT wife when she is ill?  Try checking in with her once per hour.  Ask if she needs a drink, something to eat, or some medicine.  If she needs something, go and get it as quickly as you can and take it to her.  Ask her how she is feeling.  Tell her "I'm sorry you are sick."  If you do these things, she will feel loved.  If you don't do these things, she'll feel like you are treating her like dirt and she will probably be very, very angry with you.  What you neglect to do can have devastating effects.

What should the NT wife do when she is sick?  Drop all expectations that your aspie instinctively knows or even habitually remembers the most basic kindnesses expected when someone is ill.  If you can manage to get out of bed, try to take care of yourself as best as you can.  Otherwise, ask for water.  Ask for medicine.  Ask for soup.  Pray, especially in your weakest moments, to be loving, kind, patient and forgiving.  Remember that his brain doesn't naturally know these things and he is not intending to hurt you!

Learn from the hard times and make an effort to teach your aspie children the unwritten social "rules" so that they grow up knowing what is expected of them in specific scenarios like this.

Sniff. Sneeze.
And a big, big SIGH.

NT/AS Clue: Compliments

NT/AS Clue:  Wife needs frequent compliments in order to feel loved.

When an NT wife does not receive compliments from her spouse, she may feel like she has no more value to him than a dog or a slave.  You can like a dog or a slave, and can even be very kind to and provide well for a dog or a slave.  But a wife should know without a doubt that she is higher in her husband's heart than a dog or a slave! 

It could make her feel loved, valued, and cherished if her husband would give her at least one compliment each week.  It also means a lot when he says something praiseworthy about her to the children, and says something appreciative about her to others as he has the opportunity.
 
Maybe he could set aside a day of the week to be "Give Wife a Compliment" day.  Saturday or Sunday would be ideal (because weekends are hard).  And the more abstract and broad, the better.  Example "Mmm, good potatoes" is not as complimentary to her character as "You're a good cook."  In front of the children it could change to "Mommy is a good cook!"  But because abstract words and generalizations may be difficult for the aspie, the NT wife may need to write out a list of compliments she particularly wishes to hear.  

I know this totally goes against the grain of everything  the NT believes to be 'normal' and it is painful to have to fish for compliments.  But if the NT wife wants or needs compliments from her aspie spouse, this is worth doing.

The list may look like this:

1.  You are a good cook.
2.  You are such a kind person.
3.  You are a very thoughtful person.
4.  You have great organizational skills.
5.  You look beautiful! 
6.  You make our home a lovely place to be.
7.  You work so hard for our family.
8.  You are a wonderful mother.

9.  You are a blessing to my life.
10.  You have so many strengths which help me.

When he first starts giving compliments from the list, it may sound robotic or wooden.  But it is very important that she always responds to his efforts appreciatively and cheerfully.  With time and practice it will come more smoothly.  And he may even start coming up with praise for her on his own!

Quit, Professor Higgins

If you haven't seen the musical "My Fair Lady" with Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison, you really need to get it asap and sit down with your spouse and watch it together.  It is hysterical and relevant in a "let's see the humor in the EXTREME male brain" way, too.  The movie has always been one of my favorites, but I didn't connect Professor Higgins to Asperger's until recently when I read the comparison in the book "Loving Mr. Spock".

Time to re-watch it . . . this time thinking a bit more about Eliza's choice.  Would I have been happier if I had married "Freddy", the sweet, sentimental sap who sings love songs and brings her flowers every day but doesn't work hard or know how to earn a living?  Or do I really prefer the intelligent, successful, quirky, and  clueless Professor Higgins?  And why?  But don't think too hard on it.  It's silliness and fun, and a time to laugh, so go enjoy and find the humor in that classic example of the extreme male brain.

Here's a little clip from one of Professor Higgins' songs, "Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man?" 

What could've depressed her;
What could've possessed her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all.

Women are irrational, that's all there is to that!
There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They're nothing but exasperating, irritating,
vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic'ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can't a woman be like that?
Why does ev'ryone do what the others do?
Can't a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do ev'rything their mothers do?
Why don't they grow up- well, like their father instead?


LOL  :)  Enjoy!

Why Is This So Hard?

There is nothing new under the sun.  I suspect Asperger's has been around for several thousand years.  Women have struggled to understand their husbands, to respect them, and to put up with their idiosyncrasies for many generations.  Our ancestors have been where we are.  But we have much more information and understanding (certainly about Asperger's) than our foremothers had even one generation ago.  So why is this so hard?

I don't know!  I do know that the roles in marriage were very, very different prior to the feminist revolution.  The men made the money and the women took care of the children and the house.  The men came home from work and probably sat in their chair, smoked a pipe, and read a book all evening while the women did everything else.  He wasn't taking care of the children, and so

she wasn't upset by how he was taking care of the children.  He wasn't lifting a finger to help with housework, and she wasn't disappointed by this because it wasn't expected of him.  I'm not advocating we go back to these starkly contrasting gender roles, just trying to think through the differences here.

Generations ago, extended families lived nearby.  I suspect most women had sisters, aunts, grandmothers, mothers, and in-law females all around them, maybe even in their own home.  This provided emotional support and probably much physical help as well.  Neighbors and church members were more involved in one another's lives giving encouragement, advice, and setting an example others could visibly observe.

What do we have?  We have TV.  Television is no help and no real picture of a functional family life either - quite the opposite, in fact.  We also have the internet.  We have information at our fingertips which can wisely be used to aid our understanding.  We have forums and blogs which let us in to others' lives so we know we are not alone.  These things can help.  But technology isn't enough.  So we have counselors who will listen, empathize and give us guidance.

But step back a few generations . . . it is obviously possible to survive without the knowledge of Asperger's we have now.  Surely we, too, can manage a difficult marriage without paying a professional counselor.  But we do need the support and counsel that is found in relationship with others.  We must determine to seek it out and find it!  And yes, pay for it if necessary.

Younger women desperately need older women to walk alongside them and show them how it's done, teach them what they've learned, and listen and encourage them along the way.  These ladies are out there, and can often be found in the churches.  But it's been so long since anyone has asked them for advice, they may be shocked at first if we do.  We should do it anyway.  Ask them over for tea, or take them out to lunch.  Quiz and question and pull out the wisdom they've acquired over the years.

And maybe we should realize it's a fairly new thing for any husband, Asperger's or not, to be expected to fill so very much of his wife's emotional tank.  Maybe in large part because we don't have the support of a community of women around us, the poor guy is expected to fill that giant emotional void all by himself.

What do we need?  What do aspie's wives, in particular, need?  We are emotionally and often physically exhausted.  We need housecleaning help, we need babysitting help, we need cooking help (fast food/frozen food works).  If it's too much for him to take on, maybe he can work more hours (or deliver pizzas) to pay for this help.  Maybe we can barter with other moms for an exchange of time/babysitting/goods/talents.  Mostly we need emotional support.  And so we MUST regularly meet with other (preferably older) women for emotional support, making sure we are reaching out to them and picking their brains for advice on managing life. 

Trying to figure this all out.   It shouldn't have to be this hard.