Wednesday, September 29, 2010

NT/AS Clue: Compliments

NT/AS Clue:  Wife needs frequent compliments in order to feel loved.

When an NT wife does not receive compliments from her spouse, she may feel like she has no more value to him than a dog or a slave.  You can like a dog or a slave, and can even be very kind to and provide well for a dog or a slave.  But a wife should know without a doubt that she is higher in her husband's heart than a dog or a slave! 

It could make her feel loved, valued, and cherished if her husband would give her at least one compliment each week.  It also means a lot when he says something praiseworthy about her to the children, and says something appreciative about her to others as he has the opportunity.
Maybe he could set aside a day of the week to be "Give Wife a Compliment" day.  Saturday or Sunday would be ideal (because weekends are hard).  And the more abstract and broad, the better.  Example "Mmm, good potatoes" is not as complimentary to her character as "You're a good cook."  In front of the children it could change to "Mommy is a good cook!"  But because abstract words and generalizations may be difficult for the aspie, the NT wife may need to write out a list of compliments she particularly wishes to hear.  

I know this totally goes against the grain of everything  the NT believes to be 'normal' and it is painful to have to fish for compliments.  But if the NT wife wants or needs compliments from her aspie spouse, this is worth doing.

The list may look like this:
1.  You are a good cook.
2.  You are such a kind person.
3.  You are a very thoughtful person.
4.  You have great organizational skills.
5.  You look beautiful! 
6.  You make our home a lovely place to be.
7.  You work so hard for our family.
8.  You are a wonderful mother.
9.  You are a blessing to my life.
10.  You have so many strengths which help me.

When he first starts giving compliments from the list, it may sound robotic or wooden.  But it is very important that she always responds to his efforts appreciatively and cheerfully.  With time and practice it will come more smoothly.  And he may even start coming up with praise for her on his own!

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