As an NT in an aspergers marriage, I struggle daily. The good news is that as I learn more about AS, the struggles are lessened in severity. But when I began this journey, I had no quick-reference survival strategy to help me focus.
A year into the journey, I now have a list of the top ten most important things to remember during the difficult times. This all presupposes an acceptance that aspergers is a reality in your life (and I believe it to be ordained by God to be a part of my marriage). Here are some practical strategies and vital points to remember, in no particular order.
1. Don't EVER talk to him while emotional (at least not until you learn how to speak his language). Take your emotions elsewhere. (I pray and journal.)
2. If you want something done quickly, do it yourself.
3. If you ever need anything, clearly say exactly what you need. Remember you cannot ask for empathy/understanding or other emotional responses.
4. If you ever want anything (including gifts), ask for exactly what you want.
5. If you want verbal praise or compliments, write a list and ask for him to say something from the list. Ask him to do this on a regular basis.
6. Deal with the anger and bitterness in your heart. Whether you realize it or not, it is there. You probably have anger toward him and at God.
7. Study forgiveness. Learn what it truly means to forgive and to be forgiven. Then forgive daily, 500 times per day, if necessary.
8. Make a list of his strengths. Be thankful and express appreciation for them.
9. Read the list of his strengths and remember why you married him.
10. Show him respect in your tone of voice, in your words to him, and in the way you talk about him to others. Pray to be able to respect him in your heart.
In the beginning of understanding Aspergers Syndrome and how it affects your marriage, the emotions are simply overwhelming. It's nearly impossible to think or to act rationally during this time. I hope these clear-cut steps give you some helpful direction during those "how do I survive" moments. Keep in mind that as you learn more about AS, and learn how to communicate in aspie language, things will get better. It can get better than it is right now. You have to take one day at a time.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Relapses Recur
Relapses recur. Even when communication patterns have been going smoothly for a while, the NT will face a scenario which makes her emotional. She will forget about waiting until she is calm and rational to continue a discussion. She may even "go there" and attempt to explain her feelings and her desire to connect on an emotional level. It can spiral into a long, drawn out conversation that will never go anywhere productive and will leave her sobbing in the closet.
When this happens, especially if the aspie is still in denial that there is anything different about his way of thinking, the NT may question her sanity. This is when positive Aspergers forums are the most help. At www.delphiforums.com under the forum "AS and Relationships That Work" there is a sidebar link called "From Loneliness to Balance". You can there read posts that are likely to mirror exactly what you are feeling. But better than that, you will be encouraged that it can get better.
Drill, drill, drilling this into memory.... I must give up all efforts to show aspie spouse my emotional pain. Unless I can tell him a practical way to help me, there is only more pain to be found in sharing my emotions with him.
But it's okay. This is normal in an NT/AS relationship. Relapses will recur. The great news and hope is that as we learn to communicate better, these relapses will become less and less frequent.
When this happens, especially if the aspie is still in denial that there is anything different about his way of thinking, the NT may question her sanity. This is when positive Aspergers forums are the most help. At www.delphiforums.com under the forum "AS and Relationships That Work" there is a sidebar link called "From Loneliness to Balance". You can there read posts that are likely to mirror exactly what you are feeling. But better than that, you will be encouraged that it can get better.
Drill, drill, drilling this into memory.... I must give up all efforts to show aspie spouse my emotional pain. Unless I can tell him a practical way to help me, there is only more pain to be found in sharing my emotions with him.
But it's okay. This is normal in an NT/AS relationship. Relapses will recur. The great news and hope is that as we learn to communicate better, these relapses will become less and less frequent.
Monday, August 30, 2010
NT/AS Clue: The "Trigger Phrase"
NT/AS Clue: Agree on a "Trigger Phrase" that is code for stopping all further communication on a topic until BOTH of you are calm.
Scenario:
NT shares her heart.
AS either says the wrong thing or nothing at all.
NT gets angry.
AS gets defensive.
ALL OUT WAR.
However, if the NT/AS couple have an agreed on "trigger phrase" that means all communication on that topic must immediately cease, there can be peace.
New Scenario:
NT is sad, angry, etc.
AS defensively says "What's wrong? or What did I do now?"
NT feels emotion welling up, but says the trigger phrase instead.
AS recognizes trigger phrase and stops talking (no questioning or following out of the room allowed).
PEACE.
Or it may look like this:
NT is ranting and raving at the aspie.
AS says the trigger phrase.
NT stops talking.
PEACE.
Granted, this is severe and merely a temporary solution, because it does not bring final resolution. But until the new patterns of NT/AS communication can be successfully and rationally employed, the trigger phrase can be used to bring peace ("Cease Fire"). This time allows the NT the ability to "cool down" and be rational and allows the aspie time to let down some defenses that have become his automatic protective measures.
Examples of trigger phrases: "Let's wait." "Let's talk later." "Let's take a break." "Let's stop." Whatever you both agree on can work.
Note: The aspie must understand that the phrase is not to be taken literally. Otherwise he may refuse to use it, because he may not ever want to "talk later" about the topic! :) He must know that it is simply code for "let's stop and both calm down." Sometimes, once emotions are calm, one may realize the issue wasn't that important anyway and it may never need to come up again. If it does need to be discussed later, true progress can be made only while calm and rational anyway. This is a win-win situation.
Most Importantly:
It is absolutely vital that each partner agrees to take responsibility to both use and adhere to the agreed upon trigger phrase if they ever want to see improvement in their relationship.
Scenario:
NT shares her heart.
AS either says the wrong thing or nothing at all.
NT gets angry.
AS gets defensive.
ALL OUT WAR.
However, if the NT/AS couple have an agreed on "trigger phrase" that means all communication on that topic must immediately cease, there can be peace.
New Scenario:
NT is sad, angry, etc.
AS defensively says "What's wrong? or What did I do now?"
NT feels emotion welling up, but says the trigger phrase instead.
AS recognizes trigger phrase and stops talking (no questioning or following out of the room allowed).
PEACE.
Or it may look like this:
NT is ranting and raving at the aspie.
AS says the trigger phrase.
NT stops talking.
PEACE.
Granted, this is severe and merely a temporary solution, because it does not bring final resolution. But until the new patterns of NT/AS communication can be successfully and rationally employed, the trigger phrase can be used to bring peace ("Cease Fire"). This time allows the NT the ability to "cool down" and be rational and allows the aspie time to let down some defenses that have become his automatic protective measures.
Examples of trigger phrases: "Let's wait." "Let's talk later." "Let's take a break." "Let's stop." Whatever you both agree on can work.
Note: The aspie must understand that the phrase is not to be taken literally. Otherwise he may refuse to use it, because he may not ever want to "talk later" about the topic! :) He must know that it is simply code for "let's stop and both calm down." Sometimes, once emotions are calm, one may realize the issue wasn't that important anyway and it may never need to come up again. If it does need to be discussed later, true progress can be made only while calm and rational anyway. This is a win-win situation.
Most Importantly:
It is absolutely vital that each partner agrees to take responsibility to both use and adhere to the agreed upon trigger phrase if they ever want to see improvement in their relationship.
Aspies Have Feelings, Too.
It's true. Aspies have feelings, too, and their feelings can get hurt. But because they don't know how to verbalize and express their feelings well (especially in times of stress), we NT wives may think our aspie spouses are made of stone. And so we might treat them as if they are made of stone. Anger, yelling, and long emotional monologues about unmet needs and deep unhappiness are all attacks to the aspie. These attacks must stop.
We must realize there could be much tension, confusion, depression, or even despair going on internally for the aspie. He may be thinking such things as "What did I do now? Why is she upset about something so trivial? Doesn't she know how hard I am trying? Every attempt I make is unappreciated. Nothing makes her happy. She makes no sense!" He feels attacked. Anger and bitterness take root in his heart. His first response becomes defensive. He may withdraw, retreat, and put up a wall to protect himself. This is his necessary self-preservation as he sees no other alternative that will work.
Walls like this can take a long time to break down. Diagnosis of Aspergers sometimes starts the process. But if he is unwilling to learn anything about AS, it has to start with a "Cease Fire" on the part of the NT.
The NT must realize the hidden pain her aspie spouse feels. She must learn to STOP her emotional outbursts. She must learn not to communicate until and unless she can be calm and rational. But the NT cannot all of a sudden develop super-human self-control over her emotions. And so the aspie must agree to help her learn better self-control over her emotions. This can be done if each partner agrees to use and adhere to a "trigger phrase" that serves as a code word for stopping all further communication on a topic until BOTH of them are calm. Once they are both calm, the conversation can resume.
The time of "Cease Fire" will allow the aspie time to safely come out of hiding and eventually he should be ready and able to learn, with her help, a new pattern of communicating with his NT wife. Be patient, but know there is hope. You will begin to see your aspie soften toward you. He will become less defensive as he feels more safe. And this is real progress. One step at a time.
We must realize there could be much tension, confusion, depression, or even despair going on internally for the aspie. He may be thinking such things as "What did I do now? Why is she upset about something so trivial? Doesn't she know how hard I am trying? Every attempt I make is unappreciated. Nothing makes her happy. She makes no sense!" He feels attacked. Anger and bitterness take root in his heart. His first response becomes defensive. He may withdraw, retreat, and put up a wall to protect himself. This is his necessary self-preservation as he sees no other alternative that will work.
Walls like this can take a long time to break down. Diagnosis of Aspergers sometimes starts the process. But if he is unwilling to learn anything about AS, it has to start with a "Cease Fire" on the part of the NT.
The NT must realize the hidden pain her aspie spouse feels. She must learn to STOP her emotional outbursts. She must learn not to communicate until and unless she can be calm and rational. But the NT cannot all of a sudden develop super-human self-control over her emotions. And so the aspie must agree to help her learn better self-control over her emotions. This can be done if each partner agrees to use and adhere to a "trigger phrase" that serves as a code word for stopping all further communication on a topic until BOTH of them are calm. Once they are both calm, the conversation can resume.
The time of "Cease Fire" will allow the aspie time to safely come out of hiding and eventually he should be ready and able to learn, with her help, a new pattern of communicating with his NT wife. Be patient, but know there is hope. You will begin to see your aspie soften toward you. He will become less defensive as he feels more safe. And this is real progress. One step at a time.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Proverbs 31 and the Aspie's Wife
Wives of aspies are helpers who take on more responsibility than most of the women they know. This can be burdensome and difficult. But chances are the aspie chose a strong, independent woman. He was probably attracted to her courage and skillful independence, as well as to her strong gift of compassion.
Christian women, take heart! Proverbs 31, which describes the "virtuous wife" is here describing you.
10 [c] A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
He trusts you to take care of the house, the children, the bills, etc. He trusts you! You bring peace to him and make him feel safe. He is lacking nothing. You are doing great and godly work and it is called "work" for a reason. It is not easy.
Some Christians, particularly those in conservative circles who hold fast to the ideas of headship and submission, may judge you harshly. It sometimes appears to outsiders that the aspie's wife is the "head" of the household due to her many responsibilities. And the aspie's wife may particularly struggle to respect her husband when she falls into the thinking that she is in the role of caretaker, mother, teacher, and doctor to her spouse. She must carefully guard against self-pitying thoughts, always remembering to "see to it that she respect her own husband." This aspergers husband is the one the Lord has given her.
Look again at Proverbs 31 and reflect on this:
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
This Proverbs 31 woman was praised by her children and her husband.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Sadly, this highlights a particular sting for the wife of an aspie. She is working, so very hard, to care for her aspergers spouse, and the house, and the children, and her own emotional needs, etc. But he honestly doesn't comprehend how much she is doing and how well she is doing this. He needs to be taught the importance of giving her verbal praise, and he needs to be taught how to give it. That will be the subject of another post.
Ladies, I pray we will each be encouraged and continue doing this good and God-fearing work, as unto the Lord, for His glory.
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Christian women, take heart! Proverbs 31, which describes the "virtuous wife" is here describing you.
10 [c] A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
He trusts you to take care of the house, the children, the bills, etc. He trusts you! You bring peace to him and make him feel safe. He is lacking nothing. You are doing great and godly work and it is called "work" for a reason. It is not easy.
Some Christians, particularly those in conservative circles who hold fast to the ideas of headship and submission, may judge you harshly. It sometimes appears to outsiders that the aspie's wife is the "head" of the household due to her many responsibilities. And the aspie's wife may particularly struggle to respect her husband when she falls into the thinking that she is in the role of caretaker, mother, teacher, and doctor to her spouse. She must carefully guard against self-pitying thoughts, always remembering to "see to it that she respect her own husband." This aspergers husband is the one the Lord has given her.
Look again at Proverbs 31 and reflect on this:
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
This Proverbs 31 woman was praised by her children and her husband.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Sadly, this highlights a particular sting for the wife of an aspie. She is working, so very hard, to care for her aspergers spouse, and the house, and the children, and her own emotional needs, etc. But he honestly doesn't comprehend how much she is doing and how well she is doing this. He needs to be taught the importance of giving her verbal praise, and he needs to be taught how to give it. That will be the subject of another post.
Ladies, I pray we will each be encouraged and continue doing this good and God-fearing work, as unto the Lord, for His glory.
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Aspies, Affection and Connection
The Bible tells us that Jacob had two wives, but Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah. I asked my aspie spouse what he thought the difference was in Jacob loving Rachel more than Leah. There was nothing in his response about "connection" or anything about "feeling" more for her. He perceives the difference was only in his actions. He said the difference must be that he "showed more affection to Rachel in some way."
How do aspies understand and express affection and connection?
1. Like-mindedness and agreement is "connection".
2. Being in the same space (same room, even if not talking) is expressing affection. Wanting the person to be in the same space is connection.
3. Physical touch can be his way of expressing affection and connection.
4. Doing things for someone (ex., helping around the house) is expressing affection.
In the movie Adam, the AS man explains what it means when he says he loves the (NT) woman as wanting her with him and needing her to help him. "I'd be lost without you" is an expression of how much value and love is felt by the aspie toward his spouse. We need to understand that this is not a negative thing. The Bible says that God made Eve to be Adam's helpmeet. It was not good for Adam to be alone, and so he made a woman suitable for him. Maybe for wives of aspies, we have a little deeper understanding of what it means to fulfill that helper role to our particular husbands.
I hope Christian wives of aspies will be encouraged that you, with your particular strengths and gifts, were created as a suitable helper for your husband. And even though he may not feel connection as emotionally as you do, that doesn't mean there is not true love there. He probably deeply values you and loves you for the help that you are to him, even if he does not communicate it in the way you desire.
Future post will explore ways to help him learn to express this love in a way that communicates it better to an NT.
How do aspies understand and express affection and connection?
1. Like-mindedness and agreement is "connection".
2. Being in the same space (same room, even if not talking) is expressing affection. Wanting the person to be in the same space is connection.
3. Physical touch can be his way of expressing affection and connection.
4. Doing things for someone (ex., helping around the house) is expressing affection.
In the movie Adam, the AS man explains what it means when he says he loves the (NT) woman as wanting her with him and needing her to help him. "I'd be lost without you" is an expression of how much value and love is felt by the aspie toward his spouse. We need to understand that this is not a negative thing. The Bible says that God made Eve to be Adam's helpmeet. It was not good for Adam to be alone, and so he made a woman suitable for him. Maybe for wives of aspies, we have a little deeper understanding of what it means to fulfill that helper role to our particular husbands.
I hope Christian wives of aspies will be encouraged that you, with your particular strengths and gifts, were created as a suitable helper for your husband. And even though he may not feel connection as emotionally as you do, that doesn't mean there is not true love there. He probably deeply values you and loves you for the help that you are to him, even if he does not communicate it in the way you desire.
Future post will explore ways to help him learn to express this love in a way that communicates it better to an NT.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
NT/AS Clue: If You Want Something Done Right Away
NT/AS Clue: If you want something done right away, just do it yourself! If you want something done right, ask your aspie to do it.
One of my NT expectations that I have had to let go is wanting things done quickly by my aspie spouse. Whether it be answering a question, taking out the garbage, or even chasing the toddler before he runs into the street, you must drop the expectation for the aspie to respond quickly. He probably cannot do it. In his mind, he may think he's responding quickly enough. But it's likely that he is not. So stop expecting him to respond quickly. Definitely stop demanding that he respond quickly. Make it your goal to be okay with the fact that this is something he simply cannot do.
If you want something done right away, just do it yourself. Granted, this is difficult when you have the flu and you've asked for a drink of water. You may need to hire some help or beg friends/family to come by if you're really ill or recovering from surgery. But if your very first instinct when you want something done immediately or even quickly can become to do it yourself, you will be a much happier person in an NT/AS relationship.
Now, don't give up asking him to help altogether. If you want something done right, in many cases (at least in my relationship), it's best to ask your aspie to do it. He will devote much time (hours, days, possibly weeks) to performing the task with excellence. He will pay attention to detail and the job will be done, often to perfection. My husband will follow the pattern of the hardwoods when cleaning the floors, so corners I never hit will be cleaned well! This kind of attention to detail and dedication to excellence takes time. So don't ask for his help if you're not willing for it to take (sometimes a lot) of time.
One of my NT expectations that I have had to let go is wanting things done quickly by my aspie spouse. Whether it be answering a question, taking out the garbage, or even chasing the toddler before he runs into the street, you must drop the expectation for the aspie to respond quickly. He probably cannot do it. In his mind, he may think he's responding quickly enough. But it's likely that he is not. So stop expecting him to respond quickly. Definitely stop demanding that he respond quickly. Make it your goal to be okay with the fact that this is something he simply cannot do.
If you want something done right away, just do it yourself. Granted, this is difficult when you have the flu and you've asked for a drink of water. You may need to hire some help or beg friends/family to come by if you're really ill or recovering from surgery. But if your very first instinct when you want something done immediately or even quickly can become to do it yourself, you will be a much happier person in an NT/AS relationship.
Now, don't give up asking him to help altogether. If you want something done right, in many cases (at least in my relationship), it's best to ask your aspie to do it. He will devote much time (hours, days, possibly weeks) to performing the task with excellence. He will pay attention to detail and the job will be done, often to perfection. My husband will follow the pattern of the hardwoods when cleaning the floors, so corners I never hit will be cleaned well! This kind of attention to detail and dedication to excellence takes time. So don't ask for his help if you're not willing for it to take (sometimes a lot) of time.
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