Lack of Empathy/Empathic Response

There are many strengths an aspie can bring to a marriage. And, honestly, more often than not all is well with us! But when illness strikes and say, for example, my spouse comes home to find me coughing, congested, and moving slowly due to aches and pains, I expect an empathic response. My toddler hears me cough and says "You okay, Mommy? You okay?" But my aspie spouse may not even think to ask "How are you feeling?" once throughout my illness.

This can be extremely depressing and upsetting. I try to remember that it just doesn't come naturally for an aspie to have the typical empathic response. But when I am sick or weak and am not offered any help or emotional support I tend to be filled with grief, anger and self-pity at how lonely and uncared for I feel.

I don't know how to properly react during such times. I sometimes say "It hurts my feelings that you haven't asked how I'm feeling." He then feels guilty and/or criticized. I wonder if I should continue to do this. Will it one day 'stick' that a simple "how are you" could actually make me feel better?

Recently I heard a sermon on loving your enemies. The pastor said that sometimes our enemies are in our own families. (That seems a strong word to apply to a spouse, but sometimes lack of empathy, no matter what the cause, can honestly make you feel as if you are with an enemy rather than a friend!) The pastor said we are not to curse and be angry with our enemies but are rather to love and bless them. Interestingly enough, this was followed up with the pastor saying "The Bible requires empathic response. Be happy with those who are happy. Be sad with those who are sad." I almost fell out of the seat. :o) I can't change my spouse, but there is One who can and I need to pray about this!

But what am I to do during the hard times? As a Christian I know I must turn to the Lord to meet the needs that my spouse can never meet. Christ is the perfect friend, spouse, and comforter. He knows my pain and can heal it.

This "Hymn of a Hurting Heart" helps me to keep the right perspective.

I need Thee, How I need Thee.

Help me love and bless my aspies.

When no empathy is shown me

You will meet my every need.

Speech Therapy at Home

Our speech therapist gives us "homework" or things to work on with our daughter at home in between sessions.

1. One thing she recommended is to play games and make sure to win a few. This will let us see how our daughter reacts. We are to teach her to say "congratulations! good game! or good job!" instead of her common reaction of pouting and wanting to quit. Learning to take turns is also important for kids with AS.

2. have the child practice role play of coming into a room and saying "Hi. My name is ________. What is your name?" And when someone says "Hi. How are you?" Instead of just answering "fine" we need to teach our child to respond with "and how are you?" and then to wait and listen to the response.

3. Encourage them to maintain eye contact with all conversations.

4. Practice carrying on a conversation and encouraging the child to stay focused on the topic we want to talk about without looking away or trying to change the subject.

Asperger's in the Family Tree

Well, I must warn others not to make the mistake I made as a new-to-Asperger's parent. Don't let the in-laws think that you think this comes from their side of the family.

Yikes.

I tried to be careful. I tried to very sensitively ask if some of the symptoms I'm reading about are seen (by anyone else besides me) in members of the extended family. What I got was not "Wow. Yeah! That explains a lot of the struggle I've had over the years with so-and-so." There was no "So that's why no one in the family has ever been close!"

Nope.

The reaction was anger. There was no grasp of the value of understanding family members better. There was no embracing of the goal to communicate with others better through this knowledge. It was "No! They don't have Asperger's Syndrome! They just have a lack of communication with others. That's very hurtful that you would suggest that. You should just accept how they are without analyzing them."

So, once again I feel like like I am going insane. I feel like an alien for wanting to communicate better, for wanting to be close, for wanting understanding in relationships with my in-laws.

I guess it was helpful in one way. It makes me believe that even more members of the family than I had thought have at least a shadow of Asperger's. I will continue my quest to learn how to communicate effectively and well with adults who have AS as I am finding that I know more aspies than I realized!

Speech Therapy Evaluation

We had one round of evaluations for speech therapy and they want us to go back for a second, more in-depth evaluation next week. Our insurance will not pay a penny toward speech therapy so we are not yet sure what this will cost us financially.

We still have not told our daughter about Asperger's and surprisingly she is not asking questions about all the doctor visits. Her younger brother is full of questions about why she is going places and what she is doing there, but she just goes along, seeming to enjoy it all!

Social Functioning Impairment

One diagnostic criteria is "clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning." In clinical terms, the doctor told me that someone would have to be unable to keep employment or a family in order to legally classify as having Asperger's Syndrome. (I guess so the system of disability payments would not be abused?)

But Stanford (in "Aspergers and Long-Term Relationships") points out that this criteria may be evidenced in the impaired relationships with extended family. This may be seen in the aspie rarely reaching out to them, or having little desire to be "close" with siblings, parents, or other members of the family.

"Aspie Memory"

In "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" Ashley Stanford says it's possible that a person with AS doesn't remember much from his past. This could be because there were many stressful situations and he has "shut out" those difficult memories. But it may just be that most of his "aspie memories" revolve around objects instead of people. He may forget about parties, holidays, and other occasions most NTs tend to remember.

Aspies and Relationships

So far the best book I've read to help me relate to and understand adult aspies is "Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships" by Ashley Stanford. I needed to see the practical examples she offers for some of the medical lingo to make sense.

The most difficult thing I have encountered in relationships with aspies is stated by both Attwood and Stanford:
"Aspies are less able to learn from their mistakes."
Liane Willey described it by saying "Trials and tribulations will not become lessons learned, they will simply be memories that stand on their own with little relationship to anything other than the day they occurred."

This characteristic of "Weak Central Coherence" explains why the same argument comes up over and over and over again. The aspie doesn't apply the answer to a particular problem that has been dealt with in the past to a similar but slightly different scenario. It's like a whole new scenario being experienced without being able to apply the solution learned in the past. Stanford acknowledges that this was a serious struggle in her life until she tried to see a bright side to it. She now tries to view each (same old) argument as a fresh opportunity to try to find a way of communicating that works best with her aspie spouse, and to find a solution that makes the most sense to both parties.