Looking around with my new understanding of Aspergers, I find I am surrounded by aspies. I have had relationships with aspies in the past. And currently I can detect Aspergers in the family tree (both sides, I now suspect), amongst some of my friends, and scattered throughout members of my church. This "being surrounded" is not by accident, either. I believe I am attracted to people with Asperger's Syndrome.
I admire people who have high intellect and value hard work and loyalty. Discussions of theology are something I can enjoy for hours on end, even when I don't get many words in myself. Humor that involves puns and plays-on-words makes me laugh out loud.
So there. I'm admitting it to you, and most importantly, to myself. I like aspies. I really, really do.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Don't Lose Hope
The most discouraging (okay, devastating) thing when an NT woman first begins to understand Asperger's is that she begins to lose all hope. Any hope she had for change in her partner disappears and so she loses all hope for positive change in the relationship.
Biblical counsel says "Love always hopes. You can't lose hope!" But what the suffering spouse must understand and the counselor must point out in order to truly help their counselee, is that with autism in the mix, the spouse must change what she hopes for. She cannot hope he will be a Neuro-typical ("normal") person. She cannot hope her relationship will ever look like she always believed it would/should/could. But there is most certainly hope, and this includes hope for better communication between them.
She absolutely can, with a lot of dedication and work, learn the language of Asperger's. It won't ever be instinctual to her, because she is wired with a different first language. But as she begins to learn and conversationally use this new language (which uses English words but applies totally different meanings to many of those words), she will be able to communicate with her aspie spouse in a way she never has before. Finally speaking his native language, she can then (and likely only then) be able to help him learn hers (and thus he will come to learn more about her).
There really, truly is hope for an NT/AS relationship. And this hope includes being able to better communicate with one another.
"Love always hopes." 1 Corinthians 13
Biblical counsel says "Love always hopes. You can't lose hope!" But what the suffering spouse must understand and the counselor must point out in order to truly help their counselee, is that with autism in the mix, the spouse must change what she hopes for. She cannot hope he will be a Neuro-typical ("normal") person. She cannot hope her relationship will ever look like she always believed it would/should/could. But there is most certainly hope, and this includes hope for better communication between them.
She absolutely can, with a lot of dedication and work, learn the language of Asperger's. It won't ever be instinctual to her, because she is wired with a different first language. But as she begins to learn and conversationally use this new language (which uses English words but applies totally different meanings to many of those words), she will be able to communicate with her aspie spouse in a way she never has before. Finally speaking his native language, she can then (and likely only then) be able to help him learn hers (and thus he will come to learn more about her).
There really, truly is hope for an NT/AS relationship. And this hope includes being able to better communicate with one another.
"Love always hopes." 1 Corinthians 13
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
NT/AS Clue: "I Understand."
NT/AS Clue:
Even though what is being said won't have the same meaning to each of us, that's okay. The words the NT wants to hear are not taken literally by the NT. If verbal expressions of empathy are memorized and applied by the aspie, it can bring peace in our communication with one another.
*NT to Aspie:
When you say "I know that" (when I am sharing my thoughts/feelings with you), it makes me feel angry. It would make me feel calm if you would say the words "I understand."
Optional further explanation:
"I know that" sounds combative and defensive to my brain and "I understand" sounds like caring and empathy to me.
*Disclaimer for this and all future shared clues: These words will not be healing balms for all NT/AS people. But it sure works for me!
Even though what is being said won't have the same meaning to each of us, that's okay. The words the NT wants to hear are not taken literally by the NT. If verbal expressions of empathy are memorized and applied by the aspie, it can bring peace in our communication with one another.
*NT to Aspie:
When you say "I know that" (when I am sharing my thoughts/feelings with you), it makes me feel angry. It would make me feel calm if you would say the words "I understand."
Optional further explanation:
"I know that" sounds combative and defensive to my brain and "I understand" sounds like caring and empathy to me.
*Disclaimer for this and all future shared clues: These words will not be healing balms for all NT/AS people. But it sure works for me!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Explaining NT Feelings: Conversational Algebra for Asperger's
To explain your feelings in a way your aspie can better understand, try using this algebraic equation:
When you A , it makes me feel ____B___. It would make me feel ____X__ if you would ____Y_______.
REMEMBER: "Y" must equal a practical, rational thing that can be done by an aspie. It cannot be an abstract thing like "show me empathy, understanding" and the like.
When you A , it makes me feel ____B___. It would make me feel ____X__ if you would ____Y_______.
REMEMBER: "Y" must equal a practical, rational thing that can be done by an aspie. It cannot be an abstract thing like "show me empathy, understanding" and the like.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
An Aspie's Wife's Prayer
Sundays are the hardest day of the week for many spouses of aspies. Some women complain of being "stuck" with their AS husband on the weekends. I cry more on Sundays. I hurt more on Sundays. I face more conflict on Sundays. And so I pray more on Sundays.
And as it is The Lord's Day/the Christian Sabbath, I ought to be praying more anyway. I believe I ought not to be thinking about myself at all, but on the things of God, by praying and reading his Word, the Bible.
___________________________
An Aspie's Wife's Prayer
God, help me to accept what will never change about my Aspie.
Give me the strength to change my NT expectations for our relationship.
And grant me wisdom to understand the ways you have wired us so differently.
___________________________
These simple truths below, taken from the "First Catechism" for children, should be remembered when we become angry about Asperger's affecting our loved ones:
Who made you? God.
What else did God make? God made all things.
Why did God make you and all things? For his own glory.
God made me. God made him. God made Asperger's. Why did God make me, him, and Asperger's? For his own glory.
To God be the glory.
Amen.
And as it is The Lord's Day/the Christian Sabbath, I ought to be praying more anyway. I believe I ought not to be thinking about myself at all, but on the things of God, by praying and reading his Word, the Bible.
___________________________
An Aspie's Wife's Prayer
God, help me to accept what will never change about my Aspie.
Give me the strength to change my NT expectations for our relationship.
And grant me wisdom to understand the ways you have wired us so differently.
___________________________
These simple truths below, taken from the "First Catechism" for children, should be remembered when we become angry about Asperger's affecting our loved ones:
Who made you? God.
What else did God make? God made all things.
Why did God make you and all things? For his own glory.
God made me. God made him. God made Asperger's. Why did God make me, him, and Asperger's? For his own glory.
To God be the glory.
Amen.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A Fresh Start in an NT/AS Relationship
Ok. So I've accepted how things really are. I have a new understanding and a realization that there is much more to learn. At this point all the growth, effort, and responsibility is completely on me as he is not yet ready to acknowledge anything.
I've read how important it is to "plant seeds" for an aspie when it comes to major issues that you want to discuss. This means that you make a brief comment about the issue, so he will have time to let it take root for a while. Then you can come back and water it a little at a time--sometimes over the course of a very long time. And this requires much patience.
So I've told my spouse that we need to make a time to discuss the communication patterns in our relationship. When he's had time to digest that bit of information, we will actually get together and talk about it.
One step at a time. This can't be a huge, long, detailed monologue about my emotions and unmet needs. I need to be concise about a single issue at a time.
More details will follow in a future post. I intend to discuss these "nuts and bolts" of navigating the communication battles under the category Specific Scenarios. I glean the most help from the practical applications and shared experiences I learn about from others. They make all the diagnostic criteria come alive and make me truly understand how Aspergers affects me. I hope these posts can help someone else out there. Know that you are not alone!
I've read how important it is to "plant seeds" for an aspie when it comes to major issues that you want to discuss. This means that you make a brief comment about the issue, so he will have time to let it take root for a while. Then you can come back and water it a little at a time--sometimes over the course of a very long time. And this requires much patience.
So I've told my spouse that we need to make a time to discuss the communication patterns in our relationship. When he's had time to digest that bit of information, we will actually get together and talk about it.
One step at a time. This can't be a huge, long, detailed monologue about my emotions and unmet needs. I need to be concise about a single issue at a time.
More details will follow in a future post. I intend to discuss these "nuts and bolts" of navigating the communication battles under the category Specific Scenarios. I glean the most help from the practical applications and shared experiences I learn about from others. They make all the diagnostic criteria come alive and make me truly understand how Aspergers affects me. I hope these posts can help someone else out there. Know that you are not alone!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Acceptance of Aspergers
No, my husband is not accepting that he has Aspergers. But I think maybe I finally am. By that I mean that I am moving beyond the grief, anger, and disappointment that has lasted over a year and am ready to make serious changes in myself to make our marriage a happier one.
The grief and barrage of negative emotions is very real and I believe must be worked through. Acknowledging to yourself that you are disappointed but are still committed to the relationship is so important. You can then get to the point where you know certain things will never be a part of your marriage and you can strive to enjoy the good and learn to best deal with the rest.
So all those logical steps we read about for communicating with an aspie begin to be more than just words on a page. It finally makes sense when one embraces that:
1. He speaks a totally different language. He really does! So if you want to communicate with him, learn his language! Maybe he's not attempting to learn yours, but you can still try to learn his. Blogs and forums that share first-hand experience and insights are invaluable helps.
2. He needs for you to love him his way. If you are calm, happy, and not very emotional, you will make him feel safe, secure, and happy. This means that you need to take care of yourself. Find ways to relax. Make sure you have an outlet to chat with other NTs, and learn to be a happy person without relying on him to meet any of your emotional needs.
3. You must avoid the NT communication patterns of long talks about your emotions. Don't keep going on and on, don't get louder, and don't show anger expecting that he will understand you mean business about being really hurt. NTs will "get" that. Your aspie will just be frustrated and he will NOT "get" it. Whenever you start to get upset, STOP talking and don't continue the discussion again until you can be calm, rational, and concise with every sentence.
4. You should be thankful for the way he shows love to you. It may be often overlooked as it is expressed daily, maybe in seemingly small ways. It may never be verbalized. But it is there if you look hard enough. Be thankful and express appreciation.
5. You may find that he brings out the worst in you. The reality is "out of the overflow of our hearts, our mouths speak." The ugliness you are seeing is there and likely has always been there, though previously it may have been hidden to you and others. He may be the instrument God is using to show it to you, so that you can grow and become a better person!
It is vitally important to realize that you have had lots of NT expectations of what makes a good relationship. And now you have to let those expectations go and accept that this is a whole new ballgame. This NT/AS relationship is very different and always will be different from what you've understood relationships to be like. But your relationship with your AS spouse can be rewarding and fulfilling if you are willing to work on yourself (and stop trying to work on him) to make it so.
The grief and barrage of negative emotions is very real and I believe must be worked through. Acknowledging to yourself that you are disappointed but are still committed to the relationship is so important. You can then get to the point where you know certain things will never be a part of your marriage and you can strive to enjoy the good and learn to best deal with the rest.
So all those logical steps we read about for communicating with an aspie begin to be more than just words on a page. It finally makes sense when one embraces that:
1. He speaks a totally different language. He really does! So if you want to communicate with him, learn his language! Maybe he's not attempting to learn yours, but you can still try to learn his. Blogs and forums that share first-hand experience and insights are invaluable helps.
2. He needs for you to love him his way. If you are calm, happy, and not very emotional, you will make him feel safe, secure, and happy. This means that you need to take care of yourself. Find ways to relax. Make sure you have an outlet to chat with other NTs, and learn to be a happy person without relying on him to meet any of your emotional needs.
3. You must avoid the NT communication patterns of long talks about your emotions. Don't keep going on and on, don't get louder, and don't show anger expecting that he will understand you mean business about being really hurt. NTs will "get" that. Your aspie will just be frustrated and he will NOT "get" it. Whenever you start to get upset, STOP talking and don't continue the discussion again until you can be calm, rational, and concise with every sentence.
4. You should be thankful for the way he shows love to you. It may be often overlooked as it is expressed daily, maybe in seemingly small ways. It may never be verbalized. But it is there if you look hard enough. Be thankful and express appreciation.
5. You may find that he brings out the worst in you. The reality is "out of the overflow of our hearts, our mouths speak." The ugliness you are seeing is there and likely has always been there, though previously it may have been hidden to you and others. He may be the instrument God is using to show it to you, so that you can grow and become a better person!
It is vitally important to realize that you have had lots of NT expectations of what makes a good relationship. And now you have to let those expectations go and accept that this is a whole new ballgame. This NT/AS relationship is very different and always will be different from what you've understood relationships to be like. But your relationship with your AS spouse can be rewarding and fulfilling if you are willing to work on yourself (and stop trying to work on him) to make it so.
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