Sunday, July 3, 2016

Same old, same old . . . .

Well, I'm right back where I was several years ago, when my Aspergers journey first started.  It feels like that, anyway.

While my aspie husband and I were in marriage counseling, the marriage was at least getting his attention, and acceptable ways of communicating were occasionally on his mind.  Counseling for us stopped, and the marriage is back to horrible, and communication is ungodly.

I just found a blog post I wrote in 2011 and am re-posting in case anyone else is going through the same hell I am.  I desperately need to be able to hope again.  Do you?

Just when everything has been fine and dandy for a while, a "What the . . . huh?!" moment comes along and knocks you on your rear.

Cuz you did it again.  Your feelings were hurt and you thought he would care that your feelings were hurt.  Ya Big Dummy.  How could you forget like that?  He doesn't give a rat's be-hind about your feelings.  You know that.  C'mon.  You've been told a gazillion times.  When will you ever learn?

But seriously.  It hurts like the dickens, doesn't it?  "What the . . . huh?!" moments are all too frequent in an NT/AS relationship.  And they recur.  No matter how long it's been since the last time it happened, it comes back.  And it hurts.  It's the nature of the beast.  It's self-centered.  "It's all about him/her (the aspie)."  It's never about your feelings.  Your feelings simply do not matter.  All that matters is your smiling, unemotional acceptance of everything life throws your way.

And you forgot again.  You made an attempt to explain why you felt the way you did.  You attempted to share a piece of your heart with him.  But it's just not about you, ya know.  It's only about him!  He doesn't listen or try to understand the feelings-talk.  He gets defensive and feels attacked.  "So it's all my fault?!" is his response to everything you say.  "Damn, you big jerk!" you want to scream back at him.  "Would you just hear that I am in pain and act, even just act, like you care?"  

But I'm not being fair. The rational, logical part of me knows that.  This pain, at its root, is caused by his autism.  He does care about me.  If I have a broken leg, he comprehends that and will even perform acts of kindness that show he cares.  His brain just doesn't comprehend empathy for my feelings.  He doesn't "get it."  And he can't.  And I shouldn't expect him to.

The best analogy I have ever read was on a forum post by cmasp on leprosy.  Leprosy prevents a person from feeling pain.  And so a leper can put their hand into boiling water and not take it out, thus resulting in serious injury.  You can explain PAIN to a leper, but they cannot know what it feels like.  They can be taught to take a hurting person pain medicine, but they don't truly understand.  And the aspie can be taught ways to respond to you, but he isn't going to understand--deeply understand--what you are expecting from him in the realm of empathy.

And so the cycle continues.  I expect the impossible.  I get hurt.  I try to share my hurt and he gets defensive.  Will it never end?  I despair.

But love always hopes.  And God "opens the eyes of the blind."  I believe that.  Maybe, just maybe, I need to quit seeing him as the only one who is blind in this relationship.  Maybe I should hope that God would open my eyes to the wonder of His creating us male and female, autistic and neurotypical.  Maybe I should start hoping that I will rejoice more in these trials that bear the good fruit of making me less selfish, more patient, more tolerant, and more kind.

Maybe if I change what I hope for I'll have less "What the . . . huh?!" moments in this NT/AS relationship.


Let's hope!


  1. Whoa! I can relate to everything you have written. I am however at the 23 year mark of our rather unique marriage and can say that i think we have found our peace with one another. I still get frustrated and hurt that i do not feel loved in my own love language but i acknowledge that neither does he. I've had to make some big compromises to how i thought my life would be and its hard to do so without feeling resentment but i've learned that i am only hurting myself if i continue on that path. It all comes down to choices.

    Know that you are not alone. Big Hugs

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am in the same lonely, isolated boat. I don't talk about it because I have learned that most people think we should leave. But, who would care for them? So I choose each day to honor Jesus. And, I fail. But, I press forward. Again, thank you for sharing your heart and I hope today is UNeventful:-)

  3. Thank you, thank you for your writings! I have been reading off and on for quite awhile and this is my first time to comment on anything like this! It's so refreshing to know I'm not "the only one" going through this craziness! And as a Christian, I am daily praying for guidance through this unique and frustrating marriage situation. I have found a wonderful Christian counselor. But there is not much online for those of us who are believers and have aspie spouses. Bless you for keeping this blog going!

  4. Thank you so much for these comments. You ladies are the reason I keep sharing. It's so helpful to know there are other believers struggling to honor the Lord through this special kind of trial. Hugs!

    1. I am in exactly the same spot. I go for months thinking things are good then BOOM I get bombarded with an Aspie moment from him.
      He refuses counseling and I wonder how long I can stay in this relationship and deal with the hurt.

  5. I've followed this blog for several years off and on.
    I struggle with an undiagnosed Aspie husband who is often rude and dismissive to me, yet wants my constant
    affection and affirmation. Like many other wives, I know I shouldn't expect him to understand me or listen to me,
    but I forget sometimes and wind up hurt and angry.
    His thinking (altho he is a believer) is often twisted and scary to live with. Does anyone else deal with this?

    1. I had a boyfriend whom I think has Asperger's. He is a believer as well and had scary ideas. Like, if the Bible says that woman ought to be silent in church, it might mean that they should not sing either. And they should not sing at home. I said (jokingly/cynically): Maybe I will shut my mouth from now on. He did not respond... Also, he said that all decisions in our future marriage would be make by him. We would not talk or discuss, he would pray and decide. If that isn't twisted and scary?

    2. Get out. Get out now. I know how scary it is because I couldn't do it but 12 years in it's all I wish I had done. But now I'm stuck with five kids and one on the way with no real options. My health is deteriorating severely and I have no good options. Get out now.

  6. Yes, I have been dealing with a husband with suspected AS for almost 14 years. I married him because I thought I was doing God's will and initially felt a sense of peace and security with him that I had never felt. I decided to forgo "being in love" to have something bigger spiritually with him, but so far it has not turned out that way. We are currently living apart-he's in MA and I am in VA with my two kids. He got a job up in MA when we applied together, and the job is going well, but so far hasn't gotten a second job in order to make it work up there for us to get a house. I am finishing up my master's-thought its online, I can't work until I finish it, so he is the provider. I just told him that we would join him if he got a second job-only 20 hours extra a week, and things got better even a little bit emotionally. So far, he hasn't fulfilled that, and my expectations are pretty low. So, I am waiting on the Lord to show me what to do. I just don't want to go up there and find my kids and self in poverty with no real emotional support. My family/friends are here in VA. I was initially excited about moving back to New England, but when husband didn't take the month that he had off before he started his new job to do anything around the house to get it ready for sale, my excitement dissipated. It showed me that he wasn't motivated or excited about the move or doing something new together as a family. So, he will often tell me he doesn't understand why I am not up there, and I will say, just do what you need to do, and I will come up there. So far, he is keeping his current software engineering job, but we need more money to make it work. He knows that, and says he is working on it, but so far no second job. I got a message from God yesterday about how to relate to my husband-it was more of an impression-listen to him the way I listen to you. And then I thought, God listens to us frustrating humans, so we should do likewise. However, you still have to have boundaries in place with your husbands, and they are still supposed to strive to love you as Christ loves the church. It doesn't say anywhere in the bible that any husband (even with a disability) is exempt from this. I have struggled with separating from my husband when kids go to college. If it does get to be too much for him, I will separate, with hope of reconciliation. I won't marry again, date, or divorce, but I may need to separate if things don't even improve a little, and he doesn't think I am worth it enough to make an extra effort consistently.

  7. Yes hope.
    Well, after 5 months of separation after a diabolical 12 months before that (of a 7 year marriage) I find myself still hoping. Despite aspie hubby telling me in detail all I've done wrong with not a shred of evidence that he in any way sees any fault in his part. I actually don't know whether I am still trying to find some way forward means I am delusional (hubby is quite sure I am and stipulates i see a psychiatrist), or whether God really is going to perform one big miracle.

    1. Do you have an update? I have often debated separation in hopes of a change. If there has not been the miracle in him, maybe a miracle in you? I only say that because I have thought if maybe I just didn't have all these hurt feelings or my heart started to desire something different than that intimate relationship with my husband then I could weather the marriage and not (seem to) sabbatoge the work God is doing on my husband because I have a meltdown that ultimately damages and erodes any progress that was there. I feel my emotions are my worst enemy and the enemy loves to use them.