Sunday, October 4, 2015

Speaking of Consequences . . .

Yesterday, my aspie spouse started yelling at me in the car.  What started the argument was, of course, my fault. 

Because I'm a total idiot.  Mainly, because I have feelings.  And (cardinal sin that it is), I tried to share said feelings.

So stupid of me!

Will I never learn?  Obviously not.

No matter how much brilliant and helpful how-to-speak-to-an-aspie-knowledge I store in this noggin of mine, my natural, God-created heart will vomit out my feelings via this mouthpiece of mine that can't seem to stay shut.  Or to remember the "rules."  Great rules, yes.  But are they always there in an argument?  Nope.

So, don't feel like a failure when the tips, tricks, and rules are forgotten and feelings spew out.

Take a deep breath.  And get out of the argument as fast as you can.  Any way that you can.

Know what I did yesterday?  When he was yelling at me?  And I was stuck in a car?  (Normally, I drive.  Again, I was a complete idiot yesterday and forgot to insist on driving myself.)

I got out.  In the middle of an intersection.  At a red light.  In the middle of traffic.

And I started walking.

I had no plan other than to just get away from him.  Because he will no longer be allowed to treat me that way.  To speak to me that way.  To YELL at me.

I walked several blocks.  Home was about five miles away.  And I was willing to walk all the way, around dangerous, sidewalk-less curves. 

Maybe I would've called a friend.  Or in a momentary bout of insanity, accepted a ride from a stranger (a female stranger, only, though).  I guess I could always call a cab.  And charge the bill to his credit card.  Ha!  Now THAT would get his attention.

Well, he pulled up beside me, completely shell-shocked.  Where am I going?  I am going home.  I am not spending the day with you.  I am not joining you on the plans we had for the day.  I am going home.  If you will take me straight there without talking, I will get in the car.  Otherwise, I will find another way home.

And he drove me home.  Where I locked myself in the bedroom for the rest of the day.  (*Another life-saving tip:  get a doorknob with a lock to which you have the only key!)

At the end of the night, my aspie quietly and humbly apologized for not listening to my concerns.  Yes, my aspie has come a very, very long way.  Apologizing for "not listening to my concerns" would never have happened the first umpteen years of our marriage.  These days, however, my aspie can actually be pretty darn awesome.  I thank God for that.  For getting us help.  For couples counseling, and therapy, and a diagnosis, and answered prayers.

Keep praying.  Forgive him, and forgive yourself for all the times you mess up and OOPS! share your feelings.  Use consequences.  It can get better.  It can, it can, it can.  But it will never be easy.  It will never be over.  Aspergers will always be there as a trial for you both to fight your way through, learning, growing, and becoming better and stronger because of it.

God is good.  God is in control.  God gave him this.  God gave you this.  And He will provide a way for you both.


  1. My worst mistake yesterday was to share my feelings at a horribly WRONG time. His mind was on something else--he was focused completely on one particular topic. And there's no way his brain could then switch topics and be able to deal with my feelings or concerns about a different topic. Also, children were in the car. VERY VERY BAD MOVE on my part. The only chance I ever have to have my feelings considered, is when we are alone, and he is not in the middle of concentrating on anything else. Generally, right before we go to sleep is the ideal time to discuss difficult topics. (But only if he's not too sleepy. He actually falls asleep while I'm talking. Often!) Or on a dinner date, just the two of us.

  2. Dear Aspie Wife, Aspie Mom,

    This is my first blog response ever (it even took me a while to figure out how to do it!) but I feel compelled to let you know how much I appreciate your heart and the fact that you share it with others. Your words are the words that swirl in my head and are often too painful to put anywhere except at the foot of the cross. My heart breaks for you in your loneliness and strife but is also encouraged by our similar journeys and I appreciate your Christian faith and perspective so much. I am in total agreement with you that marriage is about growing towards holiness is so hard! I have wanted so badly to be part of a support group but none are to be found-I tell God that I'm sorry but I just need a real person sometimes to connect with; someone who gets it. I thought of starting one but honestly haven't had the emotional energy and I am also wary of it becoming a complaining session...maybe I should start a group who just gives hugs and says, "I understand."
    Thank you so much for your blog!!! It has made me feel less alone. If you are ever in KC, look me up and you can stop by for a hug and an "I understand."

    1. Dear Lisa, HUGS!! And I wish we could meet for hot tea and desserts, and talk for hours! :) I understand the wariness of support groups turning into complainIng sessions. We womenfolk tend to do that when we get together, even for Bible study and prayer groups. :( I encourage you to keep praying for a godly older woman to meet with you regularly, just to listen and encourage you in the Lord. A pastor's wife? Elder's wife? Someone who is a prayer warrior, and very trustworthy (not a gossip or complainer), one who strongly respects her own husband. There is also an aspergers female Christian counselor who counsels via Skype, maybe she could do FaceTime if you don't Skype.... Thanks so much for your comment. It's what keeps me posting here. I was SO very alone when I started this journey. Huge hugs! I will pray for you, Lisa.