Sunday, October 6, 2013

The Cycle Never Ends

It never ends, does it?

No matter how much time goes by.  Days, weeks, months, may even go by where you go into hiding.  Staying away, staying silent, refusing to engage in any conversation that may possibly divulge a remnant of  feeling, brought some semblance of  peace. 

But that won't last.  It cannot possibly last.  Because you have a neurologically typical brain, heart, soul.

And he doesn't.

In a moment of . . .  What was it this time?  Intense feeling?  A desire to share?  Forgetfulness?  Foolishness?  Mere stupidity on your part?  Whatever the cause, you did it yet again.

You shared something of yourself.  And the result was utter destruction.  Sheer madness.  Wondering again "What the hell just happened here?"

Oh, yeah.  Now I remember.

Back into the hole I go.

I choose peace.


  1. Dear Aspmom,

    Are you sure this is what God means for you? I cannot and will not believe it. I am sure there must some alternative to this. Please do not let him or his illness destruct you.

  2. Dear Aspmom and all other NT wives of Aspies,

    Today I found this story of a wife with her brain-injured, disabled husband, and I related to it. It will be helpful to me in my marriage, and maybe it will be helpful for yours too? I hope:

  3. Hello Aspmom
    Just wanted to thank you for your writing, have just discovered it. There are two blogs - yours and - that when I read, I know there are at least two other people who understand the hidden world of the nt partner and write eloquently about it. For what it's worth my letting-off-steam writings can be seen Take care

  4. I am the Mother of a teenager with Aspergers. He has been officially diagnosed, but still doesn't believe he has it. It's unfortunate that we did not even know what Aspergers was until someone suggested we have him tested. He was 14 when he was diagnosed. He is 17 now. Puberty is not his friend. Hormones, Aspergers, teen wisdom are making him a miserable person. Not only is he depressed, but he also has decided that he is transgendered. He also has admitted to being atheist. I can almost understand the atheism because he has a hard time believing in something that can't be proven scientifically. The transgender issue is totally out of the blue. He is a senior this year and will be going to college next year. I worry about how that's going to work out.

  5. I've been searching desperately for help, in much the same way you began your own search. I started suspecting my son has Aspergers, but the more I researched the more I became absolutely positive my HUSBAND does. Now I know why we have had so many problems communicating for the last 11 years, why we never seem to understand each other, and I don't know what to do from here. I feel as if my entire world has been turned upside down and everything I thought I knew was completely wrong. My emotions are completely overwhelming me and I am really struggling with what the next step needs to be.

    He is HIGHLY functioning and completely open to discussing our differences and how we can meet in the middle regarding communication, he just doesn't want to hear anything about AS or put a label on it. Which is fine. I can work with that. My problem is that now I have to give up on my dream of having a husband who shares their life and dreams, a husband who seeks me out because he wants to spend time with me, a husband who wants to have a social life. In order to finally have a successful marriage, I have to give all that up and I don't know if I even want to!

    On top of the AS, he has always worked night shifts. Not occasionally, but all the time and constantly. For two months he is gone from 5pm-7am, then two months he's gone from 5am-7pm, then repeat. For 11 years now. I keep thinking that it is completely unfair that we are expected to wait around for the 10 minutes a day he is available and willing to have human contact. It seems unfair that I'm expected to be mother, personal assistant, chef, nurse, and maid to my children AND my husband when I don't get anything out of it. It's unfair that after not touching me for months, barely seeing me or speaking to me, he can suddenly grope me like a teenager and I'm expected to be attracted to him. It's unfair that the only way I can have a happy life is if my children and I plan our days and lives without him, only seeing him a few times a week when it's convenient for him and his schedule. If that's the way our life is going to be anyway, what is the point of being married? Wouldn't it be easier on us, on me, even on HIM if we actually had separate lives? If we lived in the same city, he could see the kids when it really is convenient for him. He wouldn't feel the pressure of having to entertain us and spend time with us during those times when he really just wants to be alone. And I wouldn't be living my life in limbo, hoping and praying that today will be the day that my husband is actually my husband. I could move on.

    We just moved to a new city so I have NO friends, and as a stay-at-home-mom with a hubby who doesn't want to be around people, let alone out in public, I see no potential for making new friends! I am so desperately lonely and so extremely unhappy. Realizing he likely has AS has been eye opening, I'm just not quite sure where to go from here. I don't know if I can give up on my expectations of what a family can and should be. I'm not sure I want to.