Sunday, December 2, 2012

NT/AS Relationships Require Superhuman Strength

Living with and communication with someone who has Asperger's Syndrome requires superhuman strength.

You must give up expectations for
1.  empathy
2.  understanding
3.  your well-being, thoughts, and desires to be be taken into consideration.

You must have the ability to be independent and to
1.  take care of yourself (health, and rest)
2.  seek happiness apart from them

You must find ways to
1.  seek joy and relax
2.  find beauty in life
3.  make yourself look beautiful
4.  cultivate friendships
5.  have emotional support apart from them (counseling may be necessary)

It requires carefully balancing respectfully not caring what they think of you.  Because you will receive little to no appreciation or approval no matter how hard you try.  So STOP trying!

Christians must live for the approval of God alone.  Must learn to forgive as God, through Christ, forgives you.  Replace pride with humility, realizing you are a sinner, too, and no better (in God's eyes) than they are.

You must let go of:
1.  Guilt - when you are unable to think, act, or work as if you are a robot.
2.  Hope - that the person will change.  They are disabled, which is a normal part of a fallen world.
3.  Desire - for things to be different.

The only thing that can change or be different is you and your response to them.  And that requires the Holy Spirit's gifts of self-control and faithfulness.  Super-human strength.  Impossible.  Yet possible through Christ, and through Him alone.


  1. Amen - we are on the same page. In Christ Alone our hope is found.

  2. I really like the part where you remind us to take care ourselves. And you're right, they'll never be happy with our performance. In fact, they'll never be happy period. My hubby isn't a happy person. He's a good person. I guess I'd rather have an unhappy good person than a happy bad one! Thanks for writing!

  3. Hi Aspmom. Have you read the below? I would really be interested in your insight. What do you think, and how do you think this will affect us?

  4. Hi, Thanks for the link! My child is officially diagnosed "autism spectrum disorder" and I believe that helps her with services she needs. I do worry about the stigma she may feel without the Aspergers name, though.... Hoping aspies around the globe will make sure to proudly keep it alive. Maybe it will become even more known and more proudly used by aspies because of this new exclusion in the diagnostic guide! :)

  5. You're welcome. I really liked it having its own name; it narrowed it down and helped simplified our understanding of the disorder. I heard something about the DMDD or an acronym that would help us sift through the different kinds of autism. I am a little disappointed because I feel like without an exclusive "label" we'll fall into a sea of vagueness creating challenges in finding where the person fits into all of it.

    On a positive note, I am happy the diagnoses of Asperger's was created in the first place.

    I have an unrelated question. Do you find the holidays to be a challenge with your family (parents, realatives,etc.) due to your aspie-spouse? I broke the news to my family a year ago, (when we discovered that my husband was an aspie) but seem to find my family still doesn't understand and continues to get offended by my husband. I was hoping that once I disclosed the reason he was the way he was they would suddenly accept him. I was wrong.

  6. YES, the holidays are extra stressful with aspergers in the family! I used to be on edge trying to cover up for him and protect him from looking rude, thoughtless, 'slow', etc. But I'm done with that. If they think he is all of those things, it's now fine with me, really. Selfishly, I hope they know that life is not easy for me and that I do have to deal with such difficulties every day. Even if the aspie traits do have a brain-wired root, it is a very real challenge for everyone involved.

    The good news for you, I hope, is that your aspie spouse probably neither knows nor cares what they think about him.

    I always go back to the phrase 'Need people less and love people more' from the book "When People are Big and God is Small." We shouldn't need the good opinion of others for us or of those we love. That is SO HARD to embrace though!

  7. Happy New Year Ladies!

    Every time I read something here I feel so much better. For the last 2 years I have noticed a change in ME because I have made the choice to take care of ME! I love my spouse but I have decided to be just as selfish as he can be. I recommend treating yourself once a week if possible and cardio.

  8. I thank God for this site. I discovered a month ago my husband of 20 years is an aspie. I have lived 20 years trying to please someone who only puts more and more demands on me and cannot be pleased. Right now, I am so sad that this is my life even though I do love my husband and actually feel sorry for his inability to feel. I used to be such a happy person....