Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Who is Responsible for the Want?

From the book Boundaries:

"Your disappointed desire is what hurts you.  The problem lies in who is responsible for the WANT.  It's your want, not his.  You are responsible for getting it fulfilled, not him.  That is a rule of life.  We do not get everything we want and we must all grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them. . . . Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our disappointments."


Okay, yep.  And aspie spouses do a whole lot of grieving. 

We also do a whole lot of blaming.

Deep sigh. 

"I can't think about that right now.  If I do, I'll go crazy. 

I'll think about that tomorrow." 

I'm so with you on that one, Scarlett O'Hara!



  1. Can't think about that right now either. 6 AM, out of bed slowly, turn lights on diffused and focus on low noise, gentle interactions for Aspie/SPD wife and Aspie/SPD kids. The orchestra of my morning has begun playing and I'm it's NT Conductor. Spouse dressing in her room (zero interaction with the kids or we could have a nuclear meltdown in under sixty seconds) All clothing and backpacks placed out carefully the night before - check. Breakfast and then the special ed bus is at the curb. All ASD humans are launched and away for their day. Stand by at the ropes - I have eight hours to work before the evening show. Wants? I'll think about that tomorrow. I'm past crazy - been there and now back around the front side again.

  2. this is a great discussion-I read that book a long time ago-need to reread...FYI-another good support that my counselor recommended to me is AlAnon (for people who have an alcoholic in there family)-there is alot of hope there, a lot of strength...
    It took along time for me to decide to go-I do not have an alcoholic in my life nor did I grow up with one-yet my family of origin had some very similar dysfunction and I can be very codependent on my husband and kids in the same way and want to be controlling others...
    It took so much courage to go and I was afraid of seeing the pain of others and seeing myself in a way I didn't want (and let me say some are held the same time and place where an AA is going on so going through a big crowd going to the AA was hard for me for some reason)...but at Alanon we talked about boundaries and seeing the power and beauty of controlling what you can control-Ladies (and gentlmen)there is grace AND DIGNITY when we take care of our own needs but knowing needs vs wants vs limits, and where to let people in and where to let people out-is a process-I can't believe I am saying this but I am joyful about going back to alanon.
    No matter the struggle-don't forget the DIGNITY
    of taking care of ourselves well. And there is a way to take good care of others, set good boundaries and with great kindness and compassion..the joy is that every "mistake" is truly a learning experience...every struggle, every doubt, every regret-whatever- teaches us something in the next moment.Somehow God has put me in this struggle to learn what I might not in another place or setting-right now it is boundaries.

  3. Wow. It is not about our disappointments, but our disappointment-desires; interesting. Desirescan get us in trouble. Lately when I fantasize -for lack of a better word, the "ideal" relationship activities (if he would say this, or initiate that, or be interested in this), I find I have to come to terms with the fact it is what it is and if it isn't, I can only change me.

    A quote that helps me: A poor man is always happy. Because his soul is empty, anything he receives is a blessing. (Anon)

    Aspie Spouses cannot be "High Maintenance."