Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Just Accept It, Even If It Doesn't Make Sense, Okay?

Okay, aspie friends, we come to an impasse over and over again.  We explain something you can do to help our relationship.  Something you can do that will make us feel better, that will make us happier.

But it doesn't make sense to you.  So you don't do it.

And then we get mad.  And that anger takes root and turns into bitterness.  And then we start to really, really hate you.  Sad, but true.  And yes, that anger/bitterness/hatred part is something we have to work out ourselves, apart from you.  It's an internal struggle.

But there are things you can do to make that root disappear more easily and more quickly.  There are things you could have done to prevent it from growing so quickly and strongly in the first place.  You watered it.  You helped it flourish.  We are responsible, ultimately, for it.  But you played a part, however unknowingly.

When we tell you what is important to us, please (for the sake of our happiness as well as your own):


Accept that we NTs aren't going to make sense.  Accept that when we say something is important to us, IT IS IMPORTANT, even if it is "senseless" to you.

Small talk.  Hugs.  Flowers.  Diamonds.  A pet. 

Our dreams.  Our fears.  Our happiness.  Our tears.

They matter.  Take note.  Remember.  And act on it.

Last night my aspie husband brought home a large plastic tarantula.  And I am hurt.  Deeply, deeply hurt.  It just makes me ill.  I am severely arachniphobic and for all of their lives my children (at least they remember!) know I have "banned" any toy spiders from entering this house, and all of sudden he just 'forgets' that?  I take this as him forgetting who I am.  Forgetting what matters to me.  Forgetting to think about me.  Forgetting to love me.

You can explain away the aspie brain all you want.  It still HURTS MY FEELINGS and was a careless, insensitive, and thoughtless thing to do.   He wasn't thinking about me at all.

Whether purposeful or not, it was an UNLOVING thing to do.

And things like this are par for the course in an NT/AS marriage.

And so I struggle and work on forgiving him and getting over my hurt.  And he?  Well, he brushes it off as ridiculous because "that doesn't make sense."  It's a senseless thing to get upset over, he thinks.

Who's doing all the work now?  Where's the one-sidedness now? 

Just accept it when we tell you something is important.  Please.



  1. Once again, RIGHT ON, sister! My aspie hubby does the same stuff.

    I have asthma, obviously a real medical condition that can't be argued with. (Not to belittle your arachnaphobia - I'm sure it's strong and VERY real in its affects on you.)I can't be around things that have certain smells without having respiratory issues, sometimes even meriting an emergency room visit for something like an air freshener. My husband 'fogets' and brings home candles, air fresheners, smelly soaps.

    So I totally get that you're not only dealing with your reaction to the actual irritant (spider for you, smelly stuff for me)but also dealing with such a seemingly blatant disregard for your well-being.


  2. That's what hurts the most, when it's forgotten who we are. And that's what I struggle with the most in my marriage that my husband doesn't/won't/can't truly know me the way I had hoped for within a marriage relationship.

  3. Yikes, NettyMcMom! In your case it could be very very serious. HUG!

    PrincessMorag, I agree. I totally, totally agree. He can't. And he won't. It's like an alzheimer's marriage..you are committed to being with and to caring for someone who doesn't really know you. What holds me here is knowing that GOD is the one who put us together, for His purposes. Suffering is what He gave us . . . for a good purpose. We can't forget that.

    Praying for us all to be faithful and for Him to bless us in that. HUGS!

  4. It seems so dramatic but its the truth! I love him like no one else, but sometimes, I feel like he just doesn't give a shit! Straight up. Its like HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN ME? and you can't remember this?!?!?! Do you care? Will you ever care? Is it really AS? Are you just an A-S-S??

    I'm sorry we all feel so angry but sometimes, its like dating two people. Him and AS.

  5. "Suffering is what He gave us ... for a good purpose." Anonymous, I really like that! Anything to give me a reason for this extremely difficult lifestyle. But I sure wish I knew that purpose. Perhaps I won't know, this side of heaven?

  6. SJ,

    You might like to read "Be Still, My Soul" edited by Nancy Guthrie. It's several essays on the problem of suffering and pain. Gives lots of "whys" regarding suffering (basically, it's for God's glory and to make us more like Him).

  7. Thanks you for your post - you brought up a very good point. It's something I just started doing on my own. For years my poor husband would tell me what he would need from me and I would either brush it off or try it half-assed and then stop because it just didn't make sense to do it.

    Not too long ago I made the decision that I would try something different since my way wasn't working - I would do what he asked even though it made absolutely no sense to me. Things are a lot better now, thankfully. Though there are times I feel badly when I think about all the time that was wasted by doing the exact opposite (which was nothing at all).

  8. You really have no idea how much of a lifeline your words can be for me. Living in the house of Autism is so mentally, emotionally and spiritually challenging that some days I almost break. And very, very few people actually understand any of this. I get a lot of the insanely positive people who give me their variety of "everyone is different - no house is perfect" speech or those who think that I should just leave - which of course I won't do. Only mentally of course - down on my lonely beach. Still, I find that I'm applying many of the methods of managing that you do as well - just flip mine to read Autistic wife. I almost laughed at the plastic tarantula gift. Perfect. Do you have any idea of the gifts I get from four ASD people in my house?! And the best part is that I have to act like I'm so excited to receive the latest desk paperweight or sock holder. When people can't read your emotions - they can't read your heart or your needs. Which I suppose can be a good thing somedays because my heart is often so heavy that it would sink them if they knew it. Thanks for writing - thanks for reading.