Monday, April 12, 2010

Understanding Reality for an Aspie's Wife

The "Going Over the Edge" book has sparked some serious contemplation.

+Detachment is reality. There won't be an emotional connection in the marriage and the NT has to accept that. You won't get many compliments or much praise or appreciation. Your emotional state will not be comprehended and your needs will not be understood unless you explicity state them. He doesn't have those abilities and you cannot change him!

+You may find yourself making excuses to "cover" for your spouse's inabilities. (I believe it's best to only say things that are edifying about others. But this is a real challenge with certain AS situations. I aim to pray for wisdom and be 'slow to speak'.)

+You can love him even when he is "cold". Know that he does love you. He does care. He is just "cold". That's the way God made him. Be thankful for the ways he does show love (ex., providing for the family).

+Everything happens for a reason. Don't feel sorry for yourself or your children. You (and your children) can grow in wisdom and strength through the challenges that come from having autism in the family.

The book faces reality and yet is encouraging at the same time. Ouch, and yay.

1 comment:

  1. It feels a bit negative and one-sided. There can be an emotional connection but it's not going to be "all the time".

    It also depends on how hard both partners try to communicate.


    Don't take this next part too personally. It's a reaction to the book, not to you.

    "You can love him even when he is cold".

    This phrase is terribly callous.

    Things look quite different from the other side of the fence. NTs look quite different to us.

    Don't think that simply because you think Aspies are "cold" that aspies think you're "warm" or "hot". The words "overstimulating", "over excitable", "fake" and "irritating" come to mind.

    The sad thing is that neither of the partners in an aspie/nt relationship is exactly what the other one wants or needs. In fact, were often the opposite.

    It's not all doom and gloom though. Many supportive behaviours can be learned. Good communication will often allow you to meet halfway and allow you to both get what you need out of the relationship.