Monday, February 15, 2010

Learning to Thrive in an Asperger Marriage

I just read a book that could be appropriately titled "Learning to Thrive in an Asperger Marriage." It actually never mentions aspergers or autism, but it has a chapter that deals with living with a spouse who has "limited capacities" in the areas of intellect, emotions, social situations, and more. The majority of the book deals with the disappointment in one's heart and how to not merely survive, but thrive in life despite a difficult marriage.

The book is called "Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage" and is written by two Christian psychologist brothers named Misja. I cannot recommend it strongly enough for anyone struggling in a difficult marriage.

Just a few of the excellent points the authors make are listed here:

* Understand what your spouse is unable to give. He cannot give what he doesn't have.

* He may also be limited in what he is able to receive from you.

* Suffering due to a spouse with limitations is real but of a different nature than pain felt from a rejecting or dangerous mate.

* Many 'limited' spouses have paid the price for their lack of ability by having to hear accusations of being uncaring, irresponsible, or selfish.

*Recognizing and accepting these deficits is crucial to a healthy marriage.

* Allow your heart to have no criticism, no tolerance for anger or bitterness, no negative talk about spouse, no using the kids, no whining.

* Give up all efforts to show your spouse your pain.

* Give up all efforts to change your spouse.

* Do not interpret spouse's actions negatively.

* Practice forgiveness as a way of life.

* Keep your heart alive.

* Don't draw attention to what doesn't happen in your marriage. Instead, figure out areas where you can connect well and enjoy those times as you embrace what is possible.

* Refuse to make him pay for not being able to engage and connect in other areas.

These are just a few points the authors expound on throughout the book. I hope you find it as helpful as I have!


  1. I'd like to invite you to check out my blog this week as we discuss autism. I'll have a different post every day next week.

  2. Hi!
    I enjoyed reading your blog today! Thanks for sharing those special points about thriving in an Asperger marriage.

    My husband (I'm the Aspie in the marriage) gets a lot out of the meetup group I linked to below. The group founder wrote a pretty decent book as well, "Going Over The Edge". If you haven't seen it, maybe it could help you too in your journey.

    Happy Autism Awareness Month!

  3. Hello there, I hope you're all well =)

    I just wanted to share a link to a documentary I made about a woman with Asperger's Syndrom who uses her teddybear Bearsac in a very interesting way to combat her condition.
    I thought that you might be interested in it.
    The film profiles Debra and explores the attitudes of people towards anyone seen as 'different'.

    We're all really proud of it, it got the highest mark in your graduating year at the Westminster Filmschool and was a finalist for the Best Factual Award at the Royal Television Society Student Television Awards 2009.

    It's available now on YouTube now so please have a look, and if you like the film please Like it, add to favorites and share the film wherever you like =)

    Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the film!

  4. I guess it is possible to have an asperger marriage, but I do believe that people should either try to change the things they can, and leave the rest up to God. There are people who have been healed of autism. Now, getting rid of all weaknesses isn't God's will. We do have weaknesses;
    however, there are many things about autism and aspergers that cause bondage for the individual person and the people involved in them. Those things must be prayed against. If a spouse is not able to have a relational marriage, then he or she shouldn't just have to accept that. Both people have to have humility and go to the Lord for healing. God wants marriage to be relational, and autism does prevent a lot of that.

  5. I don't believe that one should get a divorce if in an asperger marriage; however, both partners or one partner should pray against whatever is keeping them from having a relational marriage.

    1. Divorce is not the answer, but two separate households can be a very good way!