Saturday, September 26, 2009

Does he want a wife or a STEPFORD wife?

Forgive the negativity, it's been a rough day. A day that has me wondering . . . Do Aspie males want a wife, or do they want a STEPFORD wife?

Seems that any (okay, maybe any extreme) show of emotion-- be it happiness, sadness, or whatever, is met with criticism. Would he rather his wife be a robot, agreeing with him in all areas, smiling and head-bobbing at everything life throws her way?

Does he not want a human, emotional, normal woman to be his spouse? One who can sometimes be ecstatic or depressed? One who wants, even needs, him to respond to her with at least an expression of understanding?

I'm throwing up my hands in utter confusion.

It's been a rough day.


  1. I just found your blog twenty minutes ago and read them all starting with the first post. There's a LOT of my daughter and husband here. Thank God my husband, my daughter and I have GOD. Please continue to write! I had never heard of Expression Language Disorder before reading this. Question: when your ill - could it be that your husband is extremely observant about your illness but is only dealing with it by appearing aloof? I'm sure he loves you! If he's anything like my husband, the diagnosis of your daughter is causing him to see a lot of himself and your illness is too much? God bless you and your family! - Another Aspie M&W

  2. Hello,

    I appreciate your blog, thank you for taking the time to write! I'm your mirror image. I'm a man with an aspie son married to an aspie wife. I don't think AS really cares what gender you are tho.

    The cool thing about us is we're on about the same time line. I too have JUST figured out the wierd-ness going on in my son and that led me to better understand my marriage.

    I haven't taken my son to be tested yet but will be doing so this month.

    I too am endeavoring to draw strength from the Lord. I have had many dear encounters where the Lord has been able to flow through me in my difficult situation.

    I was sick last week and had to stay home and take care of our two sick boys also. My wife did not even ask me how I was doing. Not only that she never offered me a meal all week. She cooked for the boys and left me to fend for myself. I asked her to do one thing last week (buy the groceries) and she could not even do that. So I UNDERSTAND your pain and suffering. Hang in there and remember now that you know about being NT and AS you HAVE to learn to take care of yourself. And you have to learn to stop trying to put a square NT peg into a round AS hole.


    I'm praying for you!

  3. "...Would he rather his wife be a robot, agreeing with him in all areas, smiling and head-bobbing at everything life throws her way?..."


    I'm not married but I've known people, both in my family and outside, both offline and online, who go ballistic when I respond to something he or she says with an additional supporting point instead of just bobbing my head and going "yup." As if any contribution to the subject, any response revealing that I actually thought about the words said, beyond just a ditto must be a disagreement and must be twisting his or her words.

    When it happens within my family, it hurts! :( When it happens outside my family I can be all "hey, it doesn't impress me when mom does that, why should I be impressed when you do that?" ;)

    As for the marital side, that reminds me of this link:

    "...People who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome enter a marriage with the normal expectation that the marriage relationship will be the priority and will be about togetherness, mutual terms and meeting of needs. From the stories I have heard it seems that people with Asperger’s Syndrome also have this expectation, at least in theory, but countless testimonies indicate that in reality by some process of attrition the relationship ends up being more one of practicality and convenience for the person with Asperger’s Syndrome than for the loving and meeting of emotional needs of the marital partner.

    "A sentiment expressed by some non-Asperger partners is that they feel their Asperger partner must have analysed them prior to marriage and assessed them as being capable of filling a compensatory role for his or her own social, relational and functional deficits. The non-Asperger partner unwittingly becomes the social bridge and interpreter and often fills the role of personal assistant. In the privacy of their relationship, the person who does not have Asperger’s Syndrome will more than likely be physically and emotionally drained, working overtime to mediate relationships for his or her partner and keep life on track for both of them. Perhaps the relationship has taken on more of the characteristics of a business partnership or arrangement..."

  4. "And you have to learn to stop trying to put a square NT peg into a round AS hole."

    Right on! That's so important, no matter if the family trying to push you into a round AS hole actually is AS or simply value behavior that happens to resemble AS ("study harder, only mostly As aren't enough!!!" "stop feeling lonely, social lives are frivolous!!!" "don't make any mistakes when doing chores, everything has to be perfect!!!").