from "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend

I highly recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

Some noteworthy tidbits:

and what aspie spouses dream their aspies would comprehend-- "Another part of the 'you are not me' concept is the ability to see another person for who she is apart from what we need or want from her and to love and appreciate that person for who she is . . . . To cherish someone's existence apart from you and apart from what you get from that person . . . To see the other person as distinct and separate from you --a person in her own right, with value and wonderful things about her that have nothing to do with gratifying you in any way other than pure appreciation.  This is the joy of just knowing a person."

From Proverbs-- "Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you.  Rebuke a wise man and he will love you."

"People in denial are deaf to words of truth.  Just using words will not get the message across.  They only respond to pain and loss.  Separation or distancing may be necessary."

"Someone who is boundary resistant will deny, rationalize, and blame.  The nature of resistance:  an opposition to seeing or owning an issue."

"A boundary without a consequence is 'nagging.'" 

"Be prepared to meet with resistance [when you first begin using boundaries in your marriage]."

"God uses your need within your marriage to reorient you to a growing love relationship with Him as the source of your life."

Reading the original book "Boundaries" before reading "Boundaries in Marriage" would be most helpful.  Introducing boundaries--and enforcing them with practical consequences--has been life-changing.  Thank you Cloud and Townsend!

One Way Love

"Expectation is the mother of resentment."

"Our only hope for relationships is grace."

Expectations and Limitations

ACCEPTANCE is what it all comes down to, isn't it?  That's what they say.  That's what they've always said.  "Just accept me."  But we desire something different.  Desperately longing for emotional connection, we read every book ever written on the differences between men and women.  Trying every trick, applying every formula, nothing ever truly gives us the desired result.

We expect more.  We expect 'typical', 'normal', 'neurotypical'.  No matter how many books on autism we read, we can NOT drop our expectations.

And so we suffer.  Deep, depressing suffering engulfs us.

He has limitations.  Serious, brain-wired, emotional limitations.  He cannot be what we want.  He cannot.  Which means it is unkind and unloving of us to expect more of him than he can ever give.  We must accept his limitations.

The Mantra of the Aspie Spouse should be

"Drop the Expectations and Accept his Limitations."

If only it were that easy.

Christian Wife of an Aspergers Husband

If you are the Christian wife of an Asperger’s husband, you have found the right blog.

All of the helpful books and techniques I have learned throughout my own painful journey can be found here.

May God be with you and bless you.

Sincerely,

aspmom

NT/AS Relationships Require Superhuman Strength

Living with and communication with someone who has Asperger's Syndrome requires superhuman strength.

You must give up expectations for
1.  empathy
2.  understanding
3.  your well-being, thoughts, and desires to be be taken into consideration.

You must have the ability to be independent and to
1.  take care of yourself (health, and rest)
2.  seek happiness apart from them

You must find ways to
1.  seek joy and relax
2.  find beauty in life
3.  make yourself look beautiful
4.  cultivate friendships
5.  have emotional support apart from them (counseling may be necessary)

It requires carefully balancing respectfully not caring what they think of you.  Because you will receive little to no appreciation or approval no matter how hard you try.  So STOP trying!

Christians must live for the approval of God alone.  Must learn to forgive as God, through Christ, forgives you.  Replace pride with humility, realizing you are a sinner, too, and no better (in God's eyes) than they are.

You must let go of:
1.  Guilt - when you are unable to think, act, or work as if you are a robot.
2.  Hope - that the person will change.  They are disabled, which is a normal part of a fallen world.
3.  Desire - for things to be different.

The only thing that can change or be different is you and your response to them.  And that requires the Holy Spirit's gifts of self-control and faithfulness.  Super-human strength.  Impossible.  Yet possible through Christ, and through Him alone.

Self-Protective Measures for the NT partner

Self-Protective Measures for the NT Partner

in an NT/AS Relationship:

* Don't require eye contact.  Because you might not like what you see (and don't see).  :(

* Don't make eye contact because you might not like what you see (and don't see).  :(

* Don't share your emotions.  Be stoic in conversations. 

* Don't share too much information. 

* Don't attempt "mutual sharing."

* Don't think they want to understand.  They probably don't.  :(

* Retreat often.

* Retreat quickly.

* Retreat.  To a true place of retreat.

* Don't ask.  Just smile and nod.

* Talk slowly.  In a monotone.

* Don't care when you only ever get disapproval.  Well, try not to care, anyway.

* Remember that your behavior is what matters most to an aspie . . . not your heart.

Love your enemies.  Bless your enemy.  If he is hungry, give him something to eat.  If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. 

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Love your enemies.

Problem Solving and Cross Bearing

Just have to pop in and share this helpful resource for Christian spouses who are married to someone with Aspergers Syndrome.  The book is Family Vocation:  God's Calling in Marriage, Parenting, and Childhood by Gene Edward Veith jr. and Mary J. Moerbe.  Also available with Kindle app.

I've only read some of the chapter on marriage and it's got some powerful points.  Some very strong emphasis on authority and submission (maybe a little too strong even for me, ahem), but some helpful meat for aspie spouses to chew on as well.

Here's a morsel from page 99 of 233: 

"Spouses should also realize that in this fallen world, not all problems can be solved.  A cross cannot be made to disappear by applying some simple formula or technique.  A cross has to be borne.  Distinguishing between problems and crosses can be very helpful, practically speaking.  A problem, such as a disagreement, may indeed have a solution.  But something like grief or a disability or an intransigent characteristic of one's spouse cannot be "fixed" but only borne."

But wait, there's more.  :)  You're not left with 'grin and bear it' or even just 'hang in there' but rather with encouragement about forgiveness, the importance of not suffering alone but rather reaching out to other Christians to help you, the fact that we are all sinners, etc.

So what is Aspergers, huh?  A problem to be solved?  Hmmm... the communication troubles are problems that can (sometimes) be worked through.  But the "intransigent characteristic of one's spouse"?  Well, that . . . aspergers . . . must be borne.

Keep chewing and chewing so you can break it up until able to swallow. 

Try super hard not to spit, okay?

:)