This is a follow-up post to "In Sickness and For Worse":
Keep in mind that one of your aspie's best traits is his/her loyalty to you.
If you are injured in a car wreck or one day have brain cancer, become brain damaged, and are then just not yourself for the rest of your life . . . your aspie would stick by you. She/he would keep her vow to stay with you when many NTs wouldn't. Many NTs would run and leave you all alone.
Your aspie is likely very faithful and loyal. We should learn this great trait from them.
It is worthy of honor.
Monday, November 14, 2011
In Sickness and For Worse
If you are not a person of faith, this post does not apply to you. It is meant for Christians and may also apply to those who strongly believe they should keep vows and promises.
I am saddened by the breakup of two NT/AS marriages I've read about recently. These were aspies who were very self-aware. These aspies worked very hard to make their marriages work. And the NT left them. Now, I admit that if one is not a person of faith, I honestly don't know why the NT stayed as long as they did. If all one cares about is personal happiness in this life . . . "GET OUT NOW!" would be my advice in a heartbeat.
But I am a person of faith. I believe vows before God and promises to others should be kept. That doesn't mean it's easy to stay in an NT/AS marriage. In fact, it's beyond difficult. It's painful. It's gut-wrenching agony sometimes. Sometimes it just sucks. It really does!
And aspies are shooting themselves in the foot when they claim that autism is not a disability or a handicap. Their partners are leaving them left and right because if this is not a handicap/disability or at least recognized as a serious hardship on others, then the aspie is just a jerk or a bitch much of the time, okay? Aspie friends, if this is acknowledged as a brain abnormality, a disability, a handicap . . . you will get more compassion from your NT spouse!!
But of course, the aspie fights these terms. Because the aspie cannot and does not realize it will help SOMEONE ELSE'S perspective and thus someone else's actions towards them! They're not gonna get it! And their partners will leave them, left and right. Is that what you guys want? Okay, you got it. Enjoy life alone. Is that what you REALLY want?!?
As for the NT spouses who are keeping their vows in sickness and for worse: Think of this as sickness. You know it's "for worse" already. Think about your spouse as a handicapped person. Think of them as having been in a car accident, or having gone through brain cancer and then brain surgery. And they came out alive, but not quite themselves. Their brains are altered and damaged to some degree. This degree of damage causes much anguish for you, the caregiving spouse. But they need you, and you promised to be there for them.
It helps to think this way. What sucks is that you're the only one who knows that they are damaged. Others think they are fine. You are the compassionate, giving, stretched-thin, miserable and lonely caregiver and many times no one in the world knows what you suffer. Which compounds the loneliness a hundredfold.
But you are not alone. NT spouses all over the world know exactly how you feel. Support groups would be invaluable for us, but they are incredibly rare at this time. Ultimately though, you are not alone if you are a Christian. Your help comes from the Lord. And that should be, and can be . . . enough.
He gave you this. He brought you two together. He is allowing you to suffer. He wants you to need Him, to go to Him, to depend and rely on Him alone to meet your needs. He is waiting for you and promises to draw near to those who draw near to Him.
Something we NTs can learn from the aspie in this scenario is to do our work with an intrinsic motivation. We can learn from their example not to strive for man's approval and adulation and commendation. We shouldn't need others to pat our backs and tell us what a good job we are doing caregiving our disabled spouse. We should love and live and give our lives for others as unto the Lord, and not unto man.
We are learning these things because of the suffering we experience in our NT/AS marriages. We can become better people, better Christians, because of our troubles and toil in these marriages.
Change your thinking. Focus on these truths. Take heart.
And don't give up.
I am saddened by the breakup of two NT/AS marriages I've read about recently. These were aspies who were very self-aware. These aspies worked very hard to make their marriages work. And the NT left them. Now, I admit that if one is not a person of faith, I honestly don't know why the NT stayed as long as they did. If all one cares about is personal happiness in this life . . . "GET OUT NOW!" would be my advice in a heartbeat.
But I am a person of faith. I believe vows before God and promises to others should be kept. That doesn't mean it's easy to stay in an NT/AS marriage. In fact, it's beyond difficult. It's painful. It's gut-wrenching agony sometimes. Sometimes it just sucks. It really does!
And aspies are shooting themselves in the foot when they claim that autism is not a disability or a handicap. Their partners are leaving them left and right because if this is not a handicap/disability or at least recognized as a serious hardship on others, then the aspie is just a jerk or a bitch much of the time, okay? Aspie friends, if this is acknowledged as a brain abnormality, a disability, a handicap . . . you will get more compassion from your NT spouse!!
But of course, the aspie fights these terms. Because the aspie cannot and does not realize it will help SOMEONE ELSE'S perspective and thus someone else's actions towards them! They're not gonna get it! And their partners will leave them, left and right. Is that what you guys want? Okay, you got it. Enjoy life alone. Is that what you REALLY want?!?
As for the NT spouses who are keeping their vows in sickness and for worse: Think of this as sickness. You know it's "for worse" already. Think about your spouse as a handicapped person. Think of them as having been in a car accident, or having gone through brain cancer and then brain surgery. And they came out alive, but not quite themselves. Their brains are altered and damaged to some degree. This degree of damage causes much anguish for you, the caregiving spouse. But they need you, and you promised to be there for them.
It helps to think this way. What sucks is that you're the only one who knows that they are damaged. Others think they are fine. You are the compassionate, giving, stretched-thin, miserable and lonely caregiver and many times no one in the world knows what you suffer. Which compounds the loneliness a hundredfold.
But you are not alone. NT spouses all over the world know exactly how you feel. Support groups would be invaluable for us, but they are incredibly rare at this time. Ultimately though, you are not alone if you are a Christian. Your help comes from the Lord. And that should be, and can be . . . enough.
He gave you this. He brought you two together. He is allowing you to suffer. He wants you to need Him, to go to Him, to depend and rely on Him alone to meet your needs. He is waiting for you and promises to draw near to those who draw near to Him.
Something we NTs can learn from the aspie in this scenario is to do our work with an intrinsic motivation. We can learn from their example not to strive for man's approval and adulation and commendation. We shouldn't need others to pat our backs and tell us what a good job we are doing caregiving our disabled spouse. We should love and live and give our lives for others as unto the Lord, and not unto man.
We are learning these things because of the suffering we experience in our NT/AS marriages. We can become better people, better Christians, because of our troubles and toil in these marriages.
Change your thinking. Focus on these truths. Take heart.
And don't give up.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
A Warning Against Temptation
You know how you can exchange a quick look and smile over small talk with the UPS man, or the guy in the elevator, or a male friend you are chatting with and you are struck with what it feels like to emotionally connect? And I don't mean anything inappropriate here. But you realize in those glances how that most basic NT connection is absent from your NT/AS relationship.
Please carefully reflect and take those glances as a warning to put a hedge around yourself to protect you from temptation. I have heard that Bill y Gra ham made a point of never being alone with a woman other than his wife. Never alone behind a closed door or in a car. He never allowed for a scenario that could lead to adultery. He created strict rules to protect himself even from the slightest appearance of evil. Such a godly and wise man!
Aspie spouses are especially vulnerable to quickly develop an emotional attachment that is very inappropriate for a married person. You are so weak in this area that you could let those glances lead to deep sharing and voila . . . you are involved in an adulterous affair before you know what happened. It starts out as an emotional "affair." And that is also adulterous in nature.
All of this to say beware. Hedge yourself safely. Make what seem like crazy rules that will protect you in your vulnerability. Don't be alone (even in a crowd, really) with an NT guy. If thrown into that scenario, be sure not to share much, and get away as quickly as you can. You are way too lonely and weak to walk through that kind of fire and not get burned. Talk with a friend of the same gender! Pay a counselor if you have to. But don't glance too long or share much at all with any NT male. Only share your emotions, personal thoughts, etc. with a friend of the SAME GENDER. It's a RULE, okay? Make it a Law for yourself if you are married to an aspie.
You are the "weak woman who could be led astray by diverse temptations" as it says in Scripture. (Or, if you are the NT male, read through Proverbs for numerous warnings against adultery and adulterous women--you are an easy target for them, ya know!) Be careful.
Be very, very, very careful.
Please carefully reflect and take those glances as a warning to put a hedge around yourself to protect you from temptation. I have heard that Bill y Gra ham made a point of never being alone with a woman other than his wife. Never alone behind a closed door or in a car. He never allowed for a scenario that could lead to adultery. He created strict rules to protect himself even from the slightest appearance of evil. Such a godly and wise man!
Aspie spouses are especially vulnerable to quickly develop an emotional attachment that is very inappropriate for a married person. You are so weak in this area that you could let those glances lead to deep sharing and voila . . . you are involved in an adulterous affair before you know what happened. It starts out as an emotional "affair." And that is also adulterous in nature.
All of this to say beware. Hedge yourself safely. Make what seem like crazy rules that will protect you in your vulnerability. Don't be alone (even in a crowd, really) with an NT guy. If thrown into that scenario, be sure not to share much, and get away as quickly as you can. You are way too lonely and weak to walk through that kind of fire and not get burned. Talk with a friend of the same gender! Pay a counselor if you have to. But don't glance too long or share much at all with any NT male. Only share your emotions, personal thoughts, etc. with a friend of the SAME GENDER. It's a RULE, okay? Make it a Law for yourself if you are married to an aspie.
You are the "weak woman who could be led astray by diverse temptations" as it says in Scripture. (Or, if you are the NT male, read through Proverbs for numerous warnings against adultery and adulterous women--you are an easy target for them, ya know!) Be careful.
Be very, very, very careful.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Getting What You Deserve
You'd probably start throwing rotten fruit if someone told you that in marriage you get what you deserve. But I think it's worth considering.
You were attracted for a reason. You connected for a reason. The person was attracted to you for a reason. You, at one time, believed you had found your equal, the perfect partner for life.
Now that is a lot to consider.
If you really look back at your family of origin and extended family, or maybe even to marriages or people who had a powerful influence on you . . . I bet you'll see some autistic traits in those folks. It's probable that autism (even though undiagnosed) was a shaping factor in your development. You are drawn to what is familiar to you. Look hard. I bet you find something you weren't expecting.
Not only are you drawn to what is familiar to you, but you might even have some (however mild) aspergerish traits yourself. Think hard.
While dating, NTs of the opposite sex may have seemed too emotional, weak, changeable, or may not have seemed quite smart enough to you. Think about it. Were you either not attracted or even a little bit frightened by the devotion/attention NTs may have shown you prior to meeting your aspie spouse?
And then you met him and everything clicked. He fit the checklist. He didn't scare you away. Hmmmmm.......?
Now. You're married. For a reason. You fit with this particular guy. You fit with this particular, peculiar asperger guy. Okay?
Am I saying you got what you deserve? Well, I'm saying you got what you wanted from the first.
And you got what God designed especially for you, as part of His perfect plan, which includes how you were created yourself (both by nature and nurture in your growing up years). And as far as shaping those character issues in yourself that need the most work . . . are you seeing some stuff you didn't realize was there thanks to that aspie guy you married? Eh? So in God's plan, you got what you needed.
Deep breath. So much growth and positive steps can happen once all of this is contemplated and embraced.
Ouch.
You were attracted for a reason. You connected for a reason. The person was attracted to you for a reason. You, at one time, believed you had found your equal, the perfect partner for life.
Now that is a lot to consider.
If you really look back at your family of origin and extended family, or maybe even to marriages or people who had a powerful influence on you . . . I bet you'll see some autistic traits in those folks. It's probable that autism (even though undiagnosed) was a shaping factor in your development. You are drawn to what is familiar to you. Look hard. I bet you find something you weren't expecting.
Not only are you drawn to what is familiar to you, but you might even have some (however mild) aspergerish traits yourself. Think hard.
While dating, NTs of the opposite sex may have seemed too emotional, weak, changeable, or may not have seemed quite smart enough to you. Think about it. Were you either not attracted or even a little bit frightened by the devotion/attention NTs may have shown you prior to meeting your aspie spouse?
And then you met him and everything clicked. He fit the checklist. He didn't scare you away. Hmmmmm.......?
Now. You're married. For a reason. You fit with this particular guy. You fit with this particular, peculiar asperger guy. Okay?
Am I saying you got what you deserve? Well, I'm saying you got what you wanted from the first.
And you got what God designed especially for you, as part of His perfect plan, which includes how you were created yourself (both by nature and nurture in your growing up years). And as far as shaping those character issues in yourself that need the most work . . . are you seeing some stuff you didn't realize was there thanks to that aspie guy you married? Eh? So in God's plan, you got what you needed.
Deep breath. So much growth and positive steps can happen once all of this is contemplated and embraced.
Ouch.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Just Accept It, Even If It Doesn't Make Sense, Okay?
Okay, aspie friends, we come to an impasse over and over again. We explain something you can do to help our relationship. Something you can do that will make us feel better, that will make us happier.
But it doesn't make sense to you. So you don't do it.
And then we get mad. And that anger takes root and turns into bitterness. And then we start to really, really hate you. Sad, but true. And yes, that anger/bitterness/hatred part is something we have to work out ourselves, apart from you. It's an internal struggle.
But there are things you can do to make that root disappear more easily and more quickly. There are things you could have done to prevent it from growing so quickly and strongly in the first place. You watered it. You helped it flourish. We are responsible, ultimately, for it. But you played a part, however unknowingly.
When we tell you what is important to us, please (for the sake of our happiness as well as your own):
JUST ACCEPT IT, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, OKAY?!
Accept that we NTs aren't going to make sense. Accept that when we say something is important to us, IT IS IMPORTANT, even if it is "senseless" to you.
Small talk. Hugs. Flowers. Diamonds. A pet.
Our dreams. Our fears. Our happiness. Our tears.
They matter. Take note. Remember. And act on it.
Last night my aspie husband brought home a large plastic tarantula. And I am hurt. Deeply, deeply hurt. It just makes me ill. I am severely arachniphobic and for all of their lives my children (at least they remember!) know I have "banned" any toy spiders from entering this house, and all of sudden he just 'forgets' that? I take this as him forgetting who I am. Forgetting what matters to me. Forgetting to think about me. Forgetting to love me.
You can explain away the aspie brain all you want. It still HURTS MY FEELINGS and was a careless, insensitive, and thoughtless thing to do. He wasn't thinking about me at all.
Whether purposeful or not, it was an UNLOVING thing to do.
And things like this are par for the course in an NT/AS marriage.
And so I struggle and work on forgiving him and getting over my hurt. And he? Well, he brushes it off as ridiculous because "that doesn't make sense." It's a senseless thing to get upset over, he thinks.
Who's doing all the work now? Where's the one-sidedness now?
Just accept it when we tell you something is important. Please.
Please.
But it doesn't make sense to you. So you don't do it.
And then we get mad. And that anger takes root and turns into bitterness. And then we start to really, really hate you. Sad, but true. And yes, that anger/bitterness/hatred part is something we have to work out ourselves, apart from you. It's an internal struggle.
But there are things you can do to make that root disappear more easily and more quickly. There are things you could have done to prevent it from growing so quickly and strongly in the first place. You watered it. You helped it flourish. We are responsible, ultimately, for it. But you played a part, however unknowingly.
When we tell you what is important to us, please (for the sake of our happiness as well as your own):
JUST ACCEPT IT, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, OKAY?!
Accept that we NTs aren't going to make sense. Accept that when we say something is important to us, IT IS IMPORTANT, even if it is "senseless" to you.
Small talk. Hugs. Flowers. Diamonds. A pet.
Our dreams. Our fears. Our happiness. Our tears.
They matter. Take note. Remember. And act on it.
Last night my aspie husband brought home a large plastic tarantula. And I am hurt. Deeply, deeply hurt. It just makes me ill. I am severely arachniphobic and for all of their lives my children (at least they remember!) know I have "banned" any toy spiders from entering this house, and all of sudden he just 'forgets' that? I take this as him forgetting who I am. Forgetting what matters to me. Forgetting to think about me. Forgetting to love me.
You can explain away the aspie brain all you want. It still HURTS MY FEELINGS and was a careless, insensitive, and thoughtless thing to do. He wasn't thinking about me at all.
Whether purposeful or not, it was an UNLOVING thing to do.
And things like this are par for the course in an NT/AS marriage.
And so I struggle and work on forgiving him and getting over my hurt. And he? Well, he brushes it off as ridiculous because "that doesn't make sense." It's a senseless thing to get upset over, he thinks.
Who's doing all the work now? Where's the one-sidedness now?
Just accept it when we tell you something is important. Please.
Please.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tips for the Aspie Female
What I Wish My Aspie Girlfriends Knew About Friendship
1. I wish all aspies would read Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People. And take notes. And work on applying what they read.
Applying the principles in Carnegie's book will draw people to you. It teaches you how to show interest in another person. It focuses on making the other person feel appreciated. It teaches you to shut up and listen. And to ask questions about what someone else is interested in. People are by nature very interested in themselves. So if you act sincerely interested in them, you will be showered with attention. People will like to be around you! But a meaningful female friendship takes even more to sustain than Carnegie's book delves into (it was written by a man, you know).
2. I wish my aspie girl friends would accept that a close friendship involves mutual sharing. This is give and take. This includes asking about the feelings of others. It also includes sharing your own feelings. But maybe feelings talk is beyond you. Okay. Mutual sharing of some sort is still required. At least habitually ask something about others. And habitually share at least a little something about yourself.
Some of my aspie girl friends never ask anything about me. They talk about topics of interest (that is, topics of interest to them), but never ask about my life, my thoughts, my health, anything. These are very superficial companions--and it is very hard to feel close to these aspies.
And then I have a few aspie girl friends who ask a lot of questions about my family, my health (no, not about my feelings--are you kidding?), but do not share anything about themselves. This gets old. Because friendship should be give and take. Give of yourself by asking about others, yes. But the give also involves letting the other person "in" to your life/thoughts/feelings as well. Because too much "giving" of yourself in the realm of mere asking about others . . . can seem like "taking" too much from the other person.
The asker-only aspie can come across as an intense counselor or may even make the NT feel as if she is standing before the Inquisition. It can be downright frightening at times to be the "special interest" and focus of a female aspie! These are often the aspie females who will never respond to your questions via email, either. "How are you? What did the doctor say? Are you okay?" C'mon, aspie girls. If someone asks you a question it means they care about you. Please make the time to answer it. Answering questions about yourself and voluntarily sharing at least a little something about yourself (on a regular basis) is necessary fodder for a solid female friendship.
Sound tricky and confusing and way too difficult? Not to an NT. It comes naturally. Your turn, my turn. You share, now I share. I give, now you give. It's a dance and NTs assimilate this naturally on the playground as wee bairns [children].
If you truly care (and you keep saying that you do) about sustaining friendships with other females, it will take very hard work. Stop throwing your hands in the air and whining about how you always try and it never works. Keep trying and keep working. Read books on friendship. Get interested in the study of friendship. Make it a scientific research project and determine to master this subject area with the dedication of a PhD student completing a thesis. Ask questions about others. Respond to questions via email (quickly). And share a little something about yourself. And keep doing all of these things. Over and over again.
You can do it. And we can be friends.
1. I wish all aspies would read Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People. And take notes. And work on applying what they read.
Applying the principles in Carnegie's book will draw people to you. It teaches you how to show interest in another person. It focuses on making the other person feel appreciated. It teaches you to shut up and listen. And to ask questions about what someone else is interested in. People are by nature very interested in themselves. So if you act sincerely interested in them, you will be showered with attention. People will like to be around you! But a meaningful female friendship takes even more to sustain than Carnegie's book delves into (it was written by a man, you know).
2. I wish my aspie girl friends would accept that a close friendship involves mutual sharing. This is give and take. This includes asking about the feelings of others. It also includes sharing your own feelings. But maybe feelings talk is beyond you. Okay. Mutual sharing of some sort is still required. At least habitually ask something about others. And habitually share at least a little something about yourself.
Some of my aspie girl friends never ask anything about me. They talk about topics of interest (that is, topics of interest to them), but never ask about my life, my thoughts, my health, anything. These are very superficial companions--and it is very hard to feel close to these aspies.
And then I have a few aspie girl friends who ask a lot of questions about my family, my health (no, not about my feelings--are you kidding?), but do not share anything about themselves. This gets old. Because friendship should be give and take. Give of yourself by asking about others, yes. But the give also involves letting the other person "in" to your life/thoughts/feelings as well. Because too much "giving" of yourself in the realm of mere asking about others . . . can seem like "taking" too much from the other person.
The asker-only aspie can come across as an intense counselor or may even make the NT feel as if she is standing before the Inquisition. It can be downright frightening at times to be the "special interest" and focus of a female aspie! These are often the aspie females who will never respond to your questions via email, either. "How are you? What did the doctor say? Are you okay?" C'mon, aspie girls. If someone asks you a question it means they care about you. Please make the time to answer it. Answering questions about yourself and voluntarily sharing at least a little something about yourself (on a regular basis) is necessary fodder for a solid female friendship.
Sound tricky and confusing and way too difficult? Not to an NT. It comes naturally. Your turn, my turn. You share, now I share. I give, now you give. It's a dance and NTs assimilate this naturally on the playground as wee bairns [children].
If you truly care (and you keep saying that you do) about sustaining friendships with other females, it will take very hard work. Stop throwing your hands in the air and whining about how you always try and it never works. Keep trying and keep working. Read books on friendship. Get interested in the study of friendship. Make it a scientific research project and determine to master this subject area with the dedication of a PhD student completing a thesis. Ask questions about others. Respond to questions via email (quickly). And share a little something about yourself. And keep doing all of these things. Over and over again.
You can do it. And we can be friends.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
When Your Girlfriend Has Asperger's Syndrome
(By "girlfriend" I am simply referring to any aspie female friend.)
I am the wife of a man with asperger's, but I am friends with many females who have strong aspie traits. And the same lessons learned in an asperger marriage apply in relationships with aspie females. You gotta be prepared for some things. You must drop those expectations that they will act like your typical girlfriend!
1. If you need a shoulder to cry on, the aspie female is not the one you should call. She might get V E R Y uncomfortable seeing your tears. And then you might get very hurt that she is just sitting there staring at you as you pour heart out. If you need emotional support, be sure to call someone else who will be higher on the empathy scale.
2. But the aspie female is likely VERY loyal and ready and willing to offer practical help to you, even when no one else will . . . . if you clearly ask and spell out exactly what would be helpful. She wants to help, but seriously doesn't have (forgive me, but it's true) the common sense to know what to jump in and do to help.
3. She might not respond to your attempts to stay in touch. She may have "always been there for you" when she lived down the street, but if one of you moves away, you may rarely hear from her. It doesn't mean she doesn't deeply care about you. But the idea of a friend or family member "being close" may be taken literally. (Example: "you're close to people you see often because they live close to you.") The idea of emotional closeness is not easily understood by the aspie. And knowing what it takes to sustain a long distance relationship long term? That may be a one-way, very determined effort on your part.
4. Disagreements or conflict of any kind could rapidly destroy the relationship. If you ever try to address something the aspie female does that is upsetting you, she will likely feel attacked and may get overly emotional. "You don't like me/love me! You hate me! You don't appreciate or admire me anymore!" She won't be able to see that she is not considering your feelings. Trying to get her to see your perspective is really rather pointless. You have to drop that attempt at resolution 'by talking it out' as you do with other NT women. The bottom line is, the aspie female just wants you to be cheerful and kind and patiently forbear with anything and everything she does, even when you are annoyed as hell by her behavior/habit/etc. How what she does/says affects you is entirely beside the point! And this being so, few female aspies are able to sustain friendships with NT women. It will take unrelenting effort on the part of the NT to make a relationship with an aspie female survive.
5. But when it comes to shared hobbies, similar areas of interest, and like minded ideas . . . you can have the best, most interesting and fascinating companion to hang out with. The devotion and focus toward the shared interest will make discussions and outings fun, fun, fun. Do you both love running? Bridge? Sewing? Movies? With any activity that centers around a shared special interest, you may find you always have an eager girlfriend to join you! And that can be a really wonderful thing.
Maintaining a relationship with a female aspie will be a lot of work. There are expectations that must be dropped. Do not expect empathy and remember she is NOT the best shoulder to cry on. But know you may have the strongest loyalty you have ever known. And you will have a knowledgeable and focused companion during outings that revolve around a shared special interest.
I love my aspie girl friends and enjoy their company very much! Easy? No. Worth the effort? Definitely, yes.
I am the wife of a man with asperger's, but I am friends with many females who have strong aspie traits. And the same lessons learned in an asperger marriage apply in relationships with aspie females. You gotta be prepared for some things. You must drop those expectations that they will act like your typical girlfriend!
1. If you need a shoulder to cry on, the aspie female is not the one you should call. She might get V E R Y uncomfortable seeing your tears. And then you might get very hurt that she is just sitting there staring at you as you pour heart out. If you need emotional support, be sure to call someone else who will be higher on the empathy scale.
2. But the aspie female is likely VERY loyal and ready and willing to offer practical help to you, even when no one else will . . . . if you clearly ask and spell out exactly what would be helpful. She wants to help, but seriously doesn't have (forgive me, but it's true) the common sense to know what to jump in and do to help.
3. She might not respond to your attempts to stay in touch. She may have "always been there for you" when she lived down the street, but if one of you moves away, you may rarely hear from her. It doesn't mean she doesn't deeply care about you. But the idea of a friend or family member "being close" may be taken literally. (Example: "you're close to people you see often because they live close to you.") The idea of emotional closeness is not easily understood by the aspie. And knowing what it takes to sustain a long distance relationship long term? That may be a one-way, very determined effort on your part.
4. Disagreements or conflict of any kind could rapidly destroy the relationship. If you ever try to address something the aspie female does that is upsetting you, she will likely feel attacked and may get overly emotional. "You don't like me/love me! You hate me! You don't appreciate or admire me anymore!" She won't be able to see that she is not considering your feelings. Trying to get her to see your perspective is really rather pointless. You have to drop that attempt at resolution 'by talking it out' as you do with other NT women. The bottom line is, the aspie female just wants you to be cheerful and kind and patiently forbear with anything and everything she does, even when you are annoyed as hell by her behavior/habit/etc. How what she does/says affects you is entirely beside the point! And this being so, few female aspies are able to sustain friendships with NT women. It will take unrelenting effort on the part of the NT to make a relationship with an aspie female survive.
5. But when it comes to shared hobbies, similar areas of interest, and like minded ideas . . . you can have the best, most interesting and fascinating companion to hang out with. The devotion and focus toward the shared interest will make discussions and outings fun, fun, fun. Do you both love running? Bridge? Sewing? Movies? With any activity that centers around a shared special interest, you may find you always have an eager girlfriend to join you! And that can be a really wonderful thing.
Maintaining a relationship with a female aspie will be a lot of work. There are expectations that must be dropped. Do not expect empathy and remember she is NOT the best shoulder to cry on. But know you may have the strongest loyalty you have ever known. And you will have a knowledgeable and focused companion during outings that revolve around a shared special interest.
I love my aspie girl friends and enjoy their company very much! Easy? No. Worth the effort? Definitely, yes.
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