The "Going Over the Edge" book has sparked some serious contemplation.
+Detachment is reality. There won't be an emotional connection in the marriage and the NT has to accept that. You won't get many compliments or much praise or appreciation. Your emotional state will not be comprehended and your needs will not be understood unless you explicity state them. He doesn't have those abilities and you cannot change him!
+You may find yourself making excuses to "cover" for your spouse's inabilities. (I believe it's best to only say things that are edifying about others. But this is a real challenge with certain AS situations. I aim to pray for wisdom and be 'slow to speak'.)
+You can love him even when he is "cold". Know that he does love you. He does care. He is just "cold". That's the way God made him. Be thankful for the ways he does show love (ex., providing for the family).
+Everything happens for a reason. Don't feel sorry for yourself or your children. You (and your children) can grow in wisdom and strength through the challenges that come from having autism in the family.
The book faces reality and yet is encouraging at the same time. Ouch, and yay.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Helpful Asperger Marriage Book
If you are an NT married to a spouse with Asperger's and want to read something that lets you know you are not alone, check out "Going Over the Edge" by Kathy Marshack.
This easy read is filled with real-life examples, true stories, and helpful, positive suggestions for handling difficult situations. How nice to find something encouraging to read about life with aspies!
This easy read is filled with real-life examples, true stories, and helpful, positive suggestions for handling difficult situations. How nice to find something encouraging to read about life with aspies!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Learning to Thrive in an Asperger Marriage
I just read a book that could be appropriately titled "Learning to Thrive in an Asperger Marriage." It actually never mentions aspergers or autism, but it has a chapter that deals with living with a spouse who has "limited capacities" in the areas of intellect, emotions, social situations, and more. The majority of the book deals with the disappointment in one's heart and how to not merely survive, but thrive in life despite a difficult marriage.
The book is called "Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage" and is written by two Christian psychologist brothers named Misja. I cannot recommend it strongly enough for anyone struggling in a difficult marriage.
Just a few of the excellent points the authors make are listed here:
* Understand what your spouse is unable to give. He cannot give what he doesn't have.
* He may also be limited in what he is able to receive from you.
* Suffering due to a spouse with limitations is real but of a different nature than pain felt from a rejecting or dangerous mate.
* Many 'limited' spouses have paid the price for their lack of ability by having to hear accusations of being uncaring, irresponsible, or selfish.
*Recognizing and accepting these deficits is crucial to a healthy marriage.
* Allow your heart to have no criticism, no tolerance for anger or bitterness, no negative talk about spouse, no using the kids, no whining.
* Give up all efforts to show your spouse your pain.
* Give up all efforts to change your spouse.
* Do not interpret spouse's actions negatively.
* Practice forgiveness as a way of life.
* Keep your heart alive.
* Don't draw attention to what doesn't happen in your marriage. Instead, figure out areas where you can connect well and enjoy those times as you embrace what is possible.
* Refuse to make him pay for not being able to engage and connect in other areas.
These are just a few points the authors expound on throughout the book. I hope you find it as helpful as I have!
The book is called "Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage" and is written by two Christian psychologist brothers named Misja. I cannot recommend it strongly enough for anyone struggling in a difficult marriage.
Just a few of the excellent points the authors make are listed here:
* Understand what your spouse is unable to give. He cannot give what he doesn't have.
* He may also be limited in what he is able to receive from you.
* Suffering due to a spouse with limitations is real but of a different nature than pain felt from a rejecting or dangerous mate.
* Many 'limited' spouses have paid the price for their lack of ability by having to hear accusations of being uncaring, irresponsible, or selfish.
*Recognizing and accepting these deficits is crucial to a healthy marriage.
* Allow your heart to have no criticism, no tolerance for anger or bitterness, no negative talk about spouse, no using the kids, no whining.
* Give up all efforts to show your spouse your pain.
* Give up all efforts to change your spouse.
* Do not interpret spouse's actions negatively.
* Practice forgiveness as a way of life.
* Keep your heart alive.
* Don't draw attention to what doesn't happen in your marriage. Instead, figure out areas where you can connect well and enjoy those times as you embrace what is possible.
* Refuse to make him pay for not being able to engage and connect in other areas.
These are just a few points the authors expound on throughout the book. I hope you find it as helpful as I have!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Holidays with Aspie In-Laws
Family gatherings with the aspie side of the family can be extremely difficult for me. But with this newfound understanding of autism, I was able to approach a recent get-together with better understanding and less expectations.
I prayed hard prior to the event. Trying to figure out the best way to approach it all, I convinced myself to view it as going into another culture. As a missionary has to learn the ways and customs and language of another culture, so I had to realize that the aspies in the family are an entirely different people group even though they look the same as everyone else.
This meant that I remember in this culture the people will likely not volunteer to help with the dishes or other chores. They will probably not show any interest in my thoughts or health or anything about me. I will likely not be considered at all. And so I take the role of the servant, helping and working, all the while attempting to carry conversation by asking questions (otherwise all they do is stare at the television the entire time).
Christians are commanded to consider others above themselves and to serve and love one another. Well, in this case it's all one-sided, but whether they obey the commands or not, I am still called to!
It's always painful to be around the aspie side of the family, but this time was better. Lower expectations and a focus on serving others (without expecting any hint of appreciation or thoughtfulness in return) made it easier to get through. I am so grateful for knowledge of autism and asperger's. It is a huge relief to believe they are not hateful, selfish people who don't care two straws about me--they just don't know how (and it never enters their minds) to communicate otherwise.
I prayed hard prior to the event. Trying to figure out the best way to approach it all, I convinced myself to view it as going into another culture. As a missionary has to learn the ways and customs and language of another culture, so I had to realize that the aspies in the family are an entirely different people group even though they look the same as everyone else.
This meant that I remember in this culture the people will likely not volunteer to help with the dishes or other chores. They will probably not show any interest in my thoughts or health or anything about me. I will likely not be considered at all. And so I take the role of the servant, helping and working, all the while attempting to carry conversation by asking questions (otherwise all they do is stare at the television the entire time).
Christians are commanded to consider others above themselves and to serve and love one another. Well, in this case it's all one-sided, but whether they obey the commands or not, I am still called to!
It's always painful to be around the aspie side of the family, but this time was better. Lower expectations and a focus on serving others (without expecting any hint of appreciation or thoughtfulness in return) made it easier to get through. I am so grateful for knowledge of autism and asperger's. It is a huge relief to believe they are not hateful, selfish people who don't care two straws about me--they just don't know how (and it never enters their minds) to communicate otherwise.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
When the Aspie Doesn't Respond in Conversation
For many years I have struggled when my aspie spouse totally ignores something I have said to him. I may make a comment or ask a question and get absolutely no response. No nod, no glance, no verbal acknowledgement that I have spoken or that I even exist. My angry response to this is usually "Could you treat me like I'm a human and acknowledge that I'm speaking to you?!" Ummm . . . no, he can't. He doesn't think about it. He doesn't think about it at all. He sometimes doesn't think about me, at all. OUCH.
After searching asperger's forums I found that I was not alone in this. Aspies don't always know how to respond, so they simply don't. Especially if the discussion is heated, if the tone is emotional, or if he is distracted.
I've been pondering the command to repay evil with good, and to bless and not curse enemies when they hurt you. It's important to distinguish the evil from the person. My husband is not evil, and is not an evil person. The 'evil' that hurts me so much here is the autism, which honestly, he cannot help.
Another example is with a female relative of his who does not respond to my efforts in communication. I have written snail mail, shared photos of the children, emailed questions, and shared things about our family. Typically I get zero response. Not even a reply via email to specific questions I have asked. I sometimes say "I'm not sure your email is getting to you as I've sent several with no response." And then I ask the question again. When she does (rarely) respond to my questions, she responds with short bulleted answers. There is no greeting, closing, or personal word (not even a signature of her name at the bottom of the email). This used to be a slap in the face to me. Every effort seems to be in vain to try and build a relationship with her. She must hate me and not want anything to do with me, I would think. But then this understanding of autism surfaced. Now I am determined to keep trying even though I get nothing in return.
This 'evil' is painfully hard to handle. How am to I respond to this sometimes 'evil' aspect of autism with good? I need to be understanding, compassionate, encouraging. I need to keep my tone level and unemotional. I need to be patient and wait much longer than is considered reasonable to an NT for a response, patiently asking again if I really need an answer. All of which is impossible in my own strength. But God's grace is perfected in my weakness.
And these are very, very, difficult lessons to learn.
After searching asperger's forums I found that I was not alone in this. Aspies don't always know how to respond, so they simply don't. Especially if the discussion is heated, if the tone is emotional, or if he is distracted.
I've been pondering the command to repay evil with good, and to bless and not curse enemies when they hurt you. It's important to distinguish the evil from the person. My husband is not evil, and is not an evil person. The 'evil' that hurts me so much here is the autism, which honestly, he cannot help.
Another example is with a female relative of his who does not respond to my efforts in communication. I have written snail mail, shared photos of the children, emailed questions, and shared things about our family. Typically I get zero response. Not even a reply via email to specific questions I have asked. I sometimes say "I'm not sure your email is getting to you as I've sent several with no response." And then I ask the question again. When she does (rarely) respond to my questions, she responds with short bulleted answers. There is no greeting, closing, or personal word (not even a signature of her name at the bottom of the email). This used to be a slap in the face to me. Every effort seems to be in vain to try and build a relationship with her. She must hate me and not want anything to do with me, I would think. But then this understanding of autism surfaced. Now I am determined to keep trying even though I get nothing in return.
This 'evil' is painfully hard to handle. How am to I respond to this sometimes 'evil' aspect of autism with good? I need to be understanding, compassionate, encouraging. I need to keep my tone level and unemotional. I need to be patient and wait much longer than is considered reasonable to an NT for a response, patiently asking again if I really need an answer. All of which is impossible in my own strength. But God's grace is perfected in my weakness.
And these are very, very, difficult lessons to learn.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Biblical Counseling and Asperger's Syndrome
As my Asperger's journey continues, I am finally finding a few truly helpful answers to my nearly overwhelming struggles. Recently, I received an abundance of counsel as I sought help from Biblical Counseling. (If you are unfamiliar with that term, it refers to the branch of Christian counseling that is nouthetic and seeks to direct counselees directly to the Bible for answers to their problems. You can go to http://www.nanc.org/ and then click on the right sidebar to find a counselor in your area. Sometimes the counsel is provided free of charge through a church, though not always.) Biblical counseling can be painful, but I believe it quickly gets to the root of most problems so that the counselee gets the true help they need.
I will start with posting a few of the resources that have recently made the strongest impact on me. Maybe I can elaborate further another time.
*In dealing with the anger, pain, and bitterness I have experienced in relationship to the aspies in my life, the most help has come from reading (and re-reading) Lou Priolo's booklet "Bitterness: the Root that Pollutes" http://www.prpbooks.com/ This is a small pamphlet-type booklet that is packed with gems that will convict, challenge, and give you clear direction when facing the most difficult of situations with the most difficult people/enemies in your life.
*For Christian wives of aspies, please read "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace (Focus Publishing). It's not an easy read as it seems more like a biblical commentary than a marriage book, but there are chapters on living with a difficult husband that will help you turn your depressing thoughts toward more godly thinking.
*For husbands of aspies, the complementary book is called "The Exemplary Husband" by Stuart Scott. I haven't read it, so if you do, please let me know what you think. I suspect it will help you to love your difficult wife as the Bible commands you to do.
*For biblically parenting a child with Asperger's, read "Finding Your Child's Way on the Autism Spectrum: Discovering Unique Strengths, Mastering Behavior Challenges" by Dr. Laura Hendrickson. Dr. Hendrickson is a biblical counselor, a former psychiatrist, and the mom to an autistic son. If you are familiar with "Shepherding a Child's Heart" then you will understand what I mean by saying "This is like Shepherding an Autistic Child's Heart." A great little book!
Most of these can be found on Amazon.com.
I will start with posting a few of the resources that have recently made the strongest impact on me. Maybe I can elaborate further another time.
*In dealing with the anger, pain, and bitterness I have experienced in relationship to the aspies in my life, the most help has come from reading (and re-reading) Lou Priolo's booklet "Bitterness: the Root that Pollutes" http://www.prpbooks.com/ This is a small pamphlet-type booklet that is packed with gems that will convict, challenge, and give you clear direction when facing the most difficult of situations with the most difficult people/enemies in your life.
*For Christian wives of aspies, please read "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace (Focus Publishing). It's not an easy read as it seems more like a biblical commentary than a marriage book, but there are chapters on living with a difficult husband that will help you turn your depressing thoughts toward more godly thinking.
*For husbands of aspies, the complementary book is called "The Exemplary Husband" by Stuart Scott. I haven't read it, so if you do, please let me know what you think. I suspect it will help you to love your difficult wife as the Bible commands you to do.
*For biblically parenting a child with Asperger's, read "Finding Your Child's Way on the Autism Spectrum: Discovering Unique Strengths, Mastering Behavior Challenges" by Dr. Laura Hendrickson. Dr. Hendrickson is a biblical counselor, a former psychiatrist, and the mom to an autistic son. If you are familiar with "Shepherding a Child's Heart" then you will understand what I mean by saying "This is like Shepherding an Autistic Child's Heart." A great little book!
Most of these can be found on Amazon.com.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Does he want a wife or a STEPFORD wife?
Forgive the negativity, it's been a rough day. A day that has me wondering . . . Do Aspie males want a wife, or do they want a STEPFORD wife?
Seems that any (okay, maybe any extreme) show of emotion-- be it happiness, sadness, or whatever, is met with criticism. Would he rather his wife be a robot, agreeing with him in all areas, smiling and head-bobbing at everything life throws her way?
Does he not want a human, emotional, normal woman to be his spouse? One who can sometimes be ecstatic or depressed? One who wants, even needs, him to respond to her with at least an expression of understanding?
I'm throwing up my hands in utter confusion.
It's been a rough day.
Seems that any (okay, maybe any extreme) show of emotion-- be it happiness, sadness, or whatever, is met with criticism. Would he rather his wife be a robot, agreeing with him in all areas, smiling and head-bobbing at everything life throws her way?
Does he not want a human, emotional, normal woman to be his spouse? One who can sometimes be ecstatic or depressed? One who wants, even needs, him to respond to her with at least an expression of understanding?
I'm throwing up my hands in utter confusion.
It's been a rough day.
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