Best Asperger's Marriage Book!

Written by a man with Asperger's Syndrome, The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch, is the only "autism book" that has ever made me deeply empathize with someone who has aspergers.

The author clearly has strong autistic traits . . . and he writes of his very deep love and appreciation for his wife.  Ummmm . . . wow?  Uncommon, almost unrealistic, and yet, oh, so encouraging!

Full of extremely foul language and definitely rated R for adult content (so much so that I may not keep it around for fear of my children picking it up and reading it), I heartily recommend that all aspie's wives read this book.

Here's a post that introduces the book, written by the book's author:  http://jerobison.blogspot.com/2011/12/love-is-blind-marriage-is-eye-opener.html

 

On Grief and Letting Go

From the book Boundaries:

"Let go.  Face what you will never have from this person, or who this person symbolizes.  This will be like a funeral.  You will go through the stages of grief--denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance....  You will be amazed at how much can change in your life when you finally begin to let go of what you can never have. 

Letting go is the way to serenity.  Grief is the path."

Who is Responsible for the Want?

From the book Boundaries:

"Your disappointed desire is what hurts you.  The problem lies in who is responsible for the WANT.  It's your want, not his.  You are responsible for getting it fulfilled, not him.  That is a rule of life.  We do not get everything we want and we must all grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them. . . . Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our disappointments."

Oweee.

Okay, yep.  And aspie spouses do a whole lot of grieving. 

We also do a whole lot of blaming.

Deep sigh. 

"I can't think about that right now.  If I do, I'll go crazy. 

I'll think about that tomorrow." 

I'm so with you on that one, Scarlett O'Hara!

;)

Boundaries, Ladies. "Boundaries!"

Aspie spouses . . . get your hands on the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend as quickly as you can.  It will help you learn how to get over the guilt in a good way.  (Maybe you didn't even know you were acting out of guilt . . . or that you were being manipulated and controlled by Mr. Nice Guy, or MIL, or siblings, or your boss, or others....)

You will learn how to set some limits on how you will and will not be treated and for what you will and will not put up with.  You will meet with resistance at first.  But then you will find that your limits are respected.  And you will feel more free and more happy than you have in a long time.

Many thanks to those who shared this wonderful resource with me!  "Over 2 million copies sold" and it's easy to see why.  This book is recommended by countless biblical counselors and is not at all encouraging selfishness.  Now stop reading this blog post and go order the book!  :)

Water Torture

It's like water torture.

Yep, we hit a bad spell again.  Where I feel like the beat up sick guy in the ditch and he's the guy who walks right past without offering to help.  He was most certainly NOT the good Samaritan this weekend.

What did he do wrong?

It's what he doesn't do that hurts.  That grieves.  That kills.

Head held under water...feeling like you're gonna drown.  Uh huh, the pressure is awful and you think you're gonna die.  Then head up for air.  GULP in that air.  Breathe it in hard and deep cuz you'll be put back under again. 

When?  You never know.  Just be prepared at all times.

Breathing deeply today.  Filling up my lungs, my heart, my soul.

I hate water torture. 

God, help me to suffer well.  Help me to run this race and hear "well done" at the end.

"To live is Christ.  To die is gain."

Amen.

When He Won't Acknowledge He Has Asperger's

It's been a couple of years now, and my aspie spouse still won't read anything about asperger's syndrome.  I recently asked him if his mom, his sister, his wife, and a psychologist all told him they believe he has asperger's syndrome . . . would he believe it?  You know what he said?

 "Probably not."

Well, alrighty then!  So . . . that leaves me where?  Right where I've always been.  Reading, researching, doing all I can to communicate as best I can.  It's all on me.  As it's always been.

Gulp.

Big Sigh.

I'm learning to take this one day at a time.  One issue at a time.  The big picture is overwhelming, I know.  But at this exact moment, I'm doing okay.  Live moment by moment, ladies!  That's the best advice I can give you (or anyone, really).

A Good Progress Report to Share!

Okay.  Nice to have a little something positive to share about progress in an NT/AS relationship:

First the bad news, or I should say the 'typical scenario' that occurred recently . . . NT wife was bedridden with an illness.  AS spouse did not once, all day, check in on NT wife.  Did not once ask if she needed medicine, food, or even a sip of water.

Good news . . . instead of being overcome with anger and flooded by tears, NT wife was fairly emotionless (wow) and calmly and rationally went to AS spouse and said something along these lines:

I am really sad and feel very hurt that while I was so sick and in so much pain you went all day without even once checking to see how I was doing or if I needed medicine or even water.  It also hurt me that when I told you I didn't feel well the first thing you did was act frustrated that I was messing up your plans for the day.  You didn't ask questions or try to find out exactly what was wrong or how I was feeling.  That is very unkind and unloving of you.

Now, if it isn't amazing enough that NT wife was not YELLING and crying while she said these things . . . hold on to your hats folks, because a miracle occurred when AS spouse replied with the words, and I quote:

"I'm sorry."

Miracle of miracles!  Wham, Bam, Ala Ka Zam!  And that's all he said!  He didn't get defensive and make excuses and make it all about him and his frustration.  He shut the heck up after saying "I'm sorry."

WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I'm in shock.  No, I never thought I'd see the day.  Please, God, let this not be a one-time event.  Please, please let this be real, sustainable progress in an NT/AS relationship.

Can I hear an "amen?"

AMEN!