So a bit of clarification on "not giving a damn."
It's not okay to not give a damn about another human being as a human being. It's not okay to wish he would go skydiving without a parachute. That's not okay. Jesus says hate is the same as murder and murderers will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Hate is not consistent with Christianity and one who hates is deserving of hell. When you have hateful thoughts, quickly grab them, throw them to the ground, kill them, confess to God and thank God that through the blood of Christ you have forgiveness and can enter heaven, even though you are a wretched sinner and daily prove that to be the case.
I'll stop the sermonette now. :)
But it is okay and in fact, probably necessary for an aspie's spouse to not give a damn what her aspie spouse thinks of her. Because if she is needing his appreciation, admiration, adoration, consideration, she ain't gonna get it.
She must learn to absolutely totally not care at all what he is thinking, or as is more often the case, what he is NOT thinking, about her.
Love God, and live for His glory. Seek His pleasure and work unto His glory and honor. Your aspie spouse will benefit from your living for God. And so will you.
Need people less, love people more. Fight against the "fear of man." Stop "people-pleasing." Stop thinking or caring what anyone (even your spouse) is thinking or not thinking about you. Just stop.
When you are tempted to dwell on others' good opinion or thoughts of you, say to yourself "I just don't give a damn."
And then look upward in serving and loving God. And look outward so that you can see the needs around you and strive to love others more.
Those are the only things in life Christians should really give a damn about anyway.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
The Aspie Caregiver and Chronic Illness
I keep reading comments on blogs and forums posted by aspie spouses who suffer from chronic illnesses. If there are studies that have researched this I'd like to know more.
Caregivers who don't take care of themselves can suffer physically as well as mentally and emotionally. Not resting enough, not eating well enough, not exercising...all these play a part in deterioration of health.
And then there is the lack of empathy issue when one is suffering.
"I'm tired." I say. Aspie spouse responds "But you just got up." I'm tired mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually! Just because I am standing and walking around and YOU CANNOT PHYSICALLY SEE MY TIREDNESS doesn't mean I am not tired!
My child says "my head and throat hurt so bad!" Aspie father says "I think you're fine." Just because he is walking around and not vomiting doesn't mean he is not sick!
And so we learn, sad as this is, pathetic as this is, we learn that in order for him to recognize that we are not well enough to do work around the house/go to school/whatever he is requiring of us, we must not get out of bed. We must be sure to LOOK physically sick or else we "most certainly are not sick."
And so we learn to stay in bed, exaggerating the look of our illness in order to get the most miniscule hint of understanding that we are not feeling well. We do this so too much won't be demanded of our weakened systems. And then we aren't getting the exercise we need and we are not eating well enough and are not taking care of ourselves in any other way. It's self-preservation that barely preserves.
And chronic illness may be common for those who live with aspies.
You don't say.
Caregivers who don't take care of themselves can suffer physically as well as mentally and emotionally. Not resting enough, not eating well enough, not exercising...all these play a part in deterioration of health.
And then there is the lack of empathy issue when one is suffering.
"I'm tired." I say. Aspie spouse responds "But you just got up." I'm tired mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually! Just because I am standing and walking around and YOU CANNOT PHYSICALLY SEE MY TIREDNESS doesn't mean I am not tired!
My child says "my head and throat hurt so bad!" Aspie father says "I think you're fine." Just because he is walking around and not vomiting doesn't mean he is not sick!
And so we learn, sad as this is, pathetic as this is, we learn that in order for him to recognize that we are not well enough to do work around the house/go to school/whatever he is requiring of us, we must not get out of bed. We must be sure to LOOK physically sick or else we "most certainly are not sick."
And so we learn to stay in bed, exaggerating the look of our illness in order to get the most miniscule hint of understanding that we are not feeling well. We do this so too much won't be demanded of our weakened systems. And then we aren't getting the exercise we need and we are not eating well enough and are not taking care of ourselves in any other way. It's self-preservation that barely preserves.
And chronic illness may be common for those who live with aspies.
You don't say.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Putting Your Own Oxygen Mask On (first)
And a unique component to being caregiver to this particular 'disability' (let's call it that for the purpose of this post, at least), is that few, if any, others even know you are in this role. Most caregivers are given encouragement and help from others. Meals are brought. Doors are opened. Help is offered.
But not when dealing with this 'invisible' handicap/disability. You are alone. And the person you are caring for doesn't have a clue how much you are struggling and how hard you are working. He doesn't comprehend that you need a break. He doesn't understand the effort required just to get through the day.
We have multiple, serious problems going on in our lives right now. So serious that friends are bringing meals and offering to help. They see the external issues, and yes, they are very difficult. But those issues are a drop in the bucket to this silent, invisible burden that I carry all alone. While friends are offering sympathy and support during these trials we are facing, my aspie spouse is as he always is. Completely detached and unaware of any emotional needs his wife may have. But right now she needs emotional help and encouragement more than ever before in her life! (Big Scream, Uncontrollable Sobs.)
As all of the pressures have been building and building and the lack of sleep (for me, that is, he sleeps through anything) adding up to where I can barely walk straight from exhaustion, he sees me lying down and says "What's wrong?" I've learned the only 'safe' answer to that is 'I'm tired.' This time that tiny part of me that tries to never completely give up hope that he could one day empathize took over and I actually said 'I'm exhausted'. His response "Well, I've got to go to work." Just a 30 minute nap while he watched the children could've rejuvenated me enough to function better the rest of the day. (I know, I should've said as much. But in this state, I am unable to think logically and clearly. I just needed some expression of understanding and help!)
OK, I think. So maybe I can rest when he gets home. He feels he has to go to work (though he has many weeks of unused vacation hours built up!), but when he gets home he will remember I am suffering right now and could use a break. Once home, he never once asks how I'm doing. Around 9p I ask him to do the dishes and get the kids in bed because I desperately need to get some sleep (hoping for the first solid night's sleep in well over a week). He argued, acted disgusted, glared, and grumbled. There was not one inkling of empathy in his response.
Normally I am overcome with guilt and would work despite my weakness and exhaustion, but this time I went to bed. If he can't take care of his wife when she is nearing nervous and physical breakdown then I'm going to have to take care of myself and not give a damn what he thinks about it.
Sorry for the negativity. I'm at a very low point right now overall. :(
But not when dealing with this 'invisible' handicap/disability. You are alone. And the person you are caring for doesn't have a clue how much you are struggling and how hard you are working. He doesn't comprehend that you need a break. He doesn't understand the effort required just to get through the day.
We have multiple, serious problems going on in our lives right now. So serious that friends are bringing meals and offering to help. They see the external issues, and yes, they are very difficult. But those issues are a drop in the bucket to this silent, invisible burden that I carry all alone. While friends are offering sympathy and support during these trials we are facing, my aspie spouse is as he always is. Completely detached and unaware of any emotional needs his wife may have. But right now she needs emotional help and encouragement more than ever before in her life! (Big Scream, Uncontrollable Sobs.)
As all of the pressures have been building and building and the lack of sleep (for me, that is, he sleeps through anything) adding up to where I can barely walk straight from exhaustion, he sees me lying down and says "What's wrong?" I've learned the only 'safe' answer to that is 'I'm tired.' This time that tiny part of me that tries to never completely give up hope that he could one day empathize took over and I actually said 'I'm exhausted'. His response "Well, I've got to go to work." Just a 30 minute nap while he watched the children could've rejuvenated me enough to function better the rest of the day. (I know, I should've said as much. But in this state, I am unable to think logically and clearly. I just needed some expression of understanding and help!)
OK, I think. So maybe I can rest when he gets home. He feels he has to go to work (though he has many weeks of unused vacation hours built up!), but when he gets home he will remember I am suffering right now and could use a break. Once home, he never once asks how I'm doing. Around 9p I ask him to do the dishes and get the kids in bed because I desperately need to get some sleep (hoping for the first solid night's sleep in well over a week). He argued, acted disgusted, glared, and grumbled. There was not one inkling of empathy in his response.
Normally I am overcome with guilt and would work despite my weakness and exhaustion, but this time I went to bed. If he can't take care of his wife when she is nearing nervous and physical breakdown then I'm going to have to take care of myself and not give a damn what he thinks about it.
Sorry for the negativity. I'm at a very low point right now overall. :(
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Breathe Deeply
One of the workshops I attended this year at a large autism conference was "Caring for the Caregiver." It was an accepted fact that parents of autistic children are drained, much as any caregiver of any disabled or handicapped person is. Such folks are in a role with high demands placed on them and are in need of encouragement and a respite. But hear an NT spouse use the word 'disabled' in reference to her aspie husband and more often than not she gets attacked--not encouraged.
An aspie spouse is an aspie child who has grown up. And just as an aspie's mother is his caregiver when he is young, an aspie's spouse is oftentimes in the role of caregiver in their marriage. And she (or he) gets drained.
But currently there are very few (if any) workshops given specific to her filling that particular role. So it's important to allow yourself to call it what it is and seek the kind of support any other caregiver of a disabled person would need.
The most important thing I learned from the workshop was that I must BREATHE DEEPLY. Literally. The medical doctor giving the lecture taught the following: "Fill your abdomen with a deep breath as you count to three. Then let it out slowly as you count to six." This really helps body and mind and soul to relax.
Remember the instructions given on an airplane in case of an emergency:
"Put on your own oxygen mask first." Only then can you properly care for those who need so much from you.
Sometimes life feels like One Big Emergency in an NT/AS relationship, doesn't it.
An aspie spouse is an aspie child who has grown up. And just as an aspie's mother is his caregiver when he is young, an aspie's spouse is oftentimes in the role of caregiver in their marriage. And she (or he) gets drained.
But currently there are very few (if any) workshops given specific to her filling that particular role. So it's important to allow yourself to call it what it is and seek the kind of support any other caregiver of a disabled person would need.
The most important thing I learned from the workshop was that I must BREATHE DEEPLY. Literally. The medical doctor giving the lecture taught the following: "Fill your abdomen with a deep breath as you count to three. Then let it out slowly as you count to six." This really helps body and mind and soul to relax.
Remember the instructions given on an airplane in case of an emergency:
"Put on your own oxygen mask first." Only then can you properly care for those who need so much from you.
Sometimes life feels like One Big Emergency in an NT/AS relationship, doesn't it.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Unbalanced Criticism
And my previous post leads me to ponder the criticism issue. It's not that I hear an abundance of criticism. Overall the problem is, of course, the communication deficit. Because of the extreme deficit in the area of my aspie spouse giving compliments or praise, it seems as if any verbal remarks made to or about me are usually a criticism.
In "How to Win Friends and Influence People", one learns to balance criticism by first offering compliments or sincere words of praise. In an NT/AS relationship, this probably isn't the way it's done.
The NT rarely hears praise or compliments from her aspergers relatives. She is probably not acknowledged with positive verbal remarks or personal knowledge or appreciation of her character, personality, or any aspects of her humanity, for that matter. So when she is then verbally criticized for something she thinks, did, or is . . . well, you can imagine the feelings this would invoke.
It's just a ranting day, I'm afraid. I might delete these rants in a minute, but sometimes it's helpful to simply share raw, honest emotions.
In "How to Win Friends and Influence People", one learns to balance criticism by first offering compliments or sincere words of praise. In an NT/AS relationship, this probably isn't the way it's done.
The NT rarely hears praise or compliments from her aspergers relatives. She is probably not acknowledged with positive verbal remarks or personal knowledge or appreciation of her character, personality, or any aspects of her humanity, for that matter. So when she is then verbally criticized for something she thinks, did, or is . . . well, you can imagine the feelings this would invoke.
It's just a ranting day, I'm afraid. I might delete these rants in a minute, but sometimes it's helpful to simply share raw, honest emotions.
The Flip Side of Theory of Mind
Last night I was criticized yet again for not doing something to the letter in the way my aspie spouse was thinking it should be done. He didn't speak his thoughts or ask for things to be done a specific way. Why would he? Because his thoughts are the only possible, plausible, or potential way something should have been done. And how could I not get that? Huh? What planet did I come from? I should just know what he was thinking. Oh my.
There was no thought of saying or sharing his thoughts out loud with me. And I can explain until I am blue in the face why it is good and necessary to use verbal communication to convey one's thoughts on any given matter and he will argue incessantly that I should just know.
Moments like this leave me wanting to . . . . I don't even know. It's insane and I can't even explain how INSANE it is. But other aspie's wives know what I'm talking about, don't you?
OK... as I'm writing this I'm realizing how some aspies must feel in the expectations we have of them to, for example, give us a hug rather than walk away when we are crying. Our aspie spouses can't read our minds either-- even in the most basic of common sense situations.
But then our aspie spouse may expect us to read his mind about a very detailed way something should be done, because of course, his thinking is the only way to think about, well, anything.
AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deep breath. This is SO hard. Feels impossible to handle.
What's the solution? I know, I know. We can't expect anything 'typical'. We must be willing and able to explain everything we expect/want by way of response (which needs to be a practical action he can do).
But how do we handle this expectation he has for us to read his mind when he is unwilling (unable?) to verbally explain things to us?
I don't know.
Screaming, yelling, and throwing things doesn't make things better, though.
Please don't ask how I know that. ;)
DEEP BREATH. This is so very hard.
There was no thought of saying or sharing his thoughts out loud with me. And I can explain until I am blue in the face why it is good and necessary to use verbal communication to convey one's thoughts on any given matter and he will argue incessantly that I should just know.
Moments like this leave me wanting to . . . . I don't even know. It's insane and I can't even explain how INSANE it is. But other aspie's wives know what I'm talking about, don't you?
OK... as I'm writing this I'm realizing how some aspies must feel in the expectations we have of them to, for example, give us a hug rather than walk away when we are crying. Our aspie spouses can't read our minds either-- even in the most basic of common sense situations.
But then our aspie spouse may expect us to read his mind about a very detailed way something should be done, because of course, his thinking is the only way to think about, well, anything.
AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deep breath. This is SO hard. Feels impossible to handle.
What's the solution? I know, I know. We can't expect anything 'typical'. We must be willing and able to explain everything we expect/want by way of response (which needs to be a practical action he can do).
But how do we handle this expectation he has for us to read his mind when he is unwilling (unable?) to verbally explain things to us?
I don't know.
Screaming, yelling, and throwing things doesn't make things better, though.
Please don't ask how I know that. ;)
DEEP BREATH. This is so very hard.
Monday, June 6, 2011
from an AS male "On NT/AS Traditional Roles"
This Delphi forums post is copied with permission from the author.
"My elaboration on what non-traditional means is that many things do not have the meaning that is traditionally given to them. Some examples of what this looks like is the following.
(1) Wife asks the husband to do something. Traditional meaning: wife is bossy. NT/AS meaning: wife is being considerate, and giving her husband an escape from social activity, and a chance to contribute something that he is grateful for.
(2) Husband works at projects, doesn't socialize with the family. Traditional meaning: husband doesn't like the family. NT/AS meaning: husband is trying to give to the family in ways that are neurologically possible for him, in terms of acts of service.
(3) Husband buys wife/family lots of things, or is polite, or quiet, or both: Traditional meaning: the family is lucky, everything is wonderful, the marriage is perfect. NT/AS meaning: the family needs emotional support, and might be very lonely, but no one sees this. In times of crisis, friends shouldn't assume the family is getting the needed emotional support from the AS husband.
(4) Wife seems to take charge of everything, and doesn't seem to let her husband do anything: Traditional meaning: wife is overbearing, and needs to back off to give her husband room to be himself. NT/AS meaning: wife is compensating, often sacrificing her own needs, to keep things on track.
Looking at these, even though they might be realistic, they are a little more negative than I intended. That doesn't make them false. It's just that they are not the whole picture.
My perspective, as a married AS man in my 50's, is that the most successful NT/AS marriages are those where the NT partner has the final say in most things. The AS partner is comfortable enough to express their true opinions, and give all the input they can, without expecting their advice to always be taken. The AS partner contributes acts of service. The NT partner uses their good judgement to make good decisions on behalf of both partners.
As most people with AS are men, that can leave our NT wives mostly in charge. I don't think that is necessarily the case in most traditional NT/NT relationships.
There is a lot that can get in the way of this. I think the biggest obstacle is most likely to be our AS defensiveness, and the often inaccurate perceptions of reality that I think many of us with AS can have, in terms of who is doing the most work in a relationship, and in terms of us not seeing or valuing the emotional support and good judgement our NT partners bring to a relationship."
the post is by cmasp, who infrequently posts at http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/index.php and who co-founded Families for Autism Intervention Resources (FAIR - https://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_134222624507&ap=1)
"My elaboration on what non-traditional means is that many things do not have the meaning that is traditionally given to them. Some examples of what this looks like is the following.
(1) Wife asks the husband to do something. Traditional meaning: wife is bossy. NT/AS meaning: wife is being considerate, and giving her husband an escape from social activity, and a chance to contribute something that he is grateful for.
(2) Husband works at projects, doesn't socialize with the family. Traditional meaning: husband doesn't like the family. NT/AS meaning: husband is trying to give to the family in ways that are neurologically possible for him, in terms of acts of service.
(3) Husband buys wife/family lots of things, or is polite, or quiet, or both: Traditional meaning: the family is lucky, everything is wonderful, the marriage is perfect. NT/AS meaning: the family needs emotional support, and might be very lonely, but no one sees this. In times of crisis, friends shouldn't assume the family is getting the needed emotional support from the AS husband.
(4) Wife seems to take charge of everything, and doesn't seem to let her husband do anything: Traditional meaning: wife is overbearing, and needs to back off to give her husband room to be himself. NT/AS meaning: wife is compensating, often sacrificing her own needs, to keep things on track.
Looking at these, even though they might be realistic, they are a little more negative than I intended. That doesn't make them false. It's just that they are not the whole picture.
My perspective, as a married AS man in my 50's, is that the most successful NT/AS marriages are those where the NT partner has the final say in most things. The AS partner is comfortable enough to express their true opinions, and give all the input they can, without expecting their advice to always be taken. The AS partner contributes acts of service. The NT partner uses their good judgement to make good decisions on behalf of both partners.
As most people with AS are men, that can leave our NT wives mostly in charge. I don't think that is necessarily the case in most traditional NT/NT relationships.
There is a lot that can get in the way of this. I think the biggest obstacle is most likely to be our AS defensiveness, and the often inaccurate perceptions of reality that I think many of us with AS can have, in terms of who is doing the most work in a relationship, and in terms of us not seeing or valuing the emotional support and good judgement our NT partners bring to a relationship."
the post is by cmasp, who infrequently posts at http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/index.php and who co-founded Families for Autism Intervention Resources (FAIR - https://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_134222624507&ap=1)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
