"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7
NT wives complain, rant, and rave with numerous "aspie attacks" on internet forums. It is actually quite frightening to read what some women will say (to the world!) about their husbands. These women obviously don't recognize the sin in their own hearts. They (and we) are all hypocrites.
John Calvin in his commentary on John 8:7 says "by this word he only reproves hypocrites, who mildly flatter themselves and their vices, but are excessively severe, and even act the part of felons, in censuring others. No man shall be prevented by his own sins from correcting the sins of others, and even from punishing them, when it may be found necessary, provided that both in himself and in others he hate what ought to be condemned; and in addition to all this, every man ought to begin by interrogating his own conscience, and by acting both as witness and judge against himself, before he come to others. In this manner shall we, without hating men, make war with sins."
So without hating the aspie, and all the while hating the sin in our own hearts, one can ask "What are the particular sins common to Asperger's Syndrome?" One counseling lecture entitled "How To Counsel an Adult with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome" explored how the aspie is often very selfish. Not considering others' perspectives and feelings is certainly self-centered and selfish. The aspie may have no comprehension that he is being selfish and likely has no intention of being selfish. And this makes change seem impossible. But his not acknowledging his sin, especially once it is explained to him, is evidence of sinful pride. He is too proud to show humility by acknowledging (though others expressly point it out to him) that he is at fault. Is he to blame for this? No, not to blame (because he is wired this way), but he is still responsible. Because we are all required by God to be perfect, as Christ is perfect, even though it is impossible to ever reach perfection before Christ returns.
Huh? Exactly. It is a mystery, and I cannot explain it. Biblical counselors and theologians can help make it more clear than I can. But what little I can grasp is a comfort during the times I am scratching my head at the wonder of the autistic brain. It helps me to recognize what I can and do what I can to deal with the difficulties. In a nutshell . . . .
1. My aspie spouse is selfish and self-centered in not thinking of others or understanding their feelings and perspectives. The fact that he does not see this about himself exhibits a great deal of pride. He should accept this to be true, even without understanding it, and should work on doing all that he can to change his sinful behaviours.
2. My responses to him are, at their root, selfish, self-centered, and a result of pride (thinking I deserve better or that I am better). It is hypocritical to "throw stones" at him when I have the exact same weaknesses (which may simply be displayed differently).
And so daily we should forgive, pray, forbear, and love. Humbling ourselves and looking at our own hearts, we should strive to overcome our faults and grow through the trials of living with and loving difficult people. Because we are all, every one of us, difficult people to live with.
"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Suffering Spouse and Sanctification
"Our pride must have winter weather to rot it." Samuel Rutherford, The Loveliness of Christ
Starting a new year in a constant state of suffering is quite sobering. Is this what the new year holds for me? Is this what the next decade (or even longer) will hold for me? Well, maybe. And maybe that's not tragic. Seriously.
Reflecting on suffering and happiness and the Christian life leads to a realization that the Christian should expect suffering in this life because the goal of this life is to be made more like Christ. It is to grow and change and become more like Him. The goal here is not happiness. Oftentimes when we are most 'happy' we are not really being challenged to change or grow--we tend to just coast along, forgetting to pray, forgetting to strive for holiness. But this is not our home. We are travelers and this human life is temporary--just a breath in the span of eternity.
C.S. Lewis, in "Letters to an American Lady" empathizes with and encourages a female correspondent throughout her daily trials of life. He constantly directs her thoughts to heaven, reminding her that we shouldn't be so focused on our personal happiness in this life. What particularly struck me in my reading of this little gem of a book, was Lewis reminding the lady of her choice between Crosses. The context was choosing to live alone in her old age, or living in an 'old folks home' with a bunch of cantankerous senior citizens. Both are hard. Lewis says:
"It is (no disguising it) only a choice between Crosses. The more one can accept that fact, the less one can think about happiness on earth, the less, I believe, one suffers. Or at any rate the suffering becomes more purgatorial and less infernal."
If you are a Christian and you desire to grow in faith, then you will (must?) suffer. And that then leads to very, very good things-namely, becoming more like Christ. It means becoming more kind, more patient, more loving, less selfish, less proud. During trials and times of suffering, keep in mind that for the Christian, life often involves a choice between Crosses.
I encourage you to reflect on 1 Peter 1-4. He deals much with suffering. It is challenging to me to start this new year with a deeper understanding of the purpose of trials in this life. I want to suffer well, as a Christian should. I want my suffering to have a good purpose. I want to honor God in my suffering.
"For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are *beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: who committed no sin, Nor was deceit found in His mouth; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness-by whose stripes you were healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." 1 Peter 2: 19-25
*beaten is referring to slaves during those times--no woman should stay in a physically abusive relationship! But think of this challenge--to suffer patiently (and remember that our suffering is much less that those in this context) without reviling our aspies when they hurt our feelings. Rather we should be loving them with much patience. Then we will be honoring God in our suffering.
Starting a new year in a constant state of suffering is quite sobering. Is this what the new year holds for me? Is this what the next decade (or even longer) will hold for me? Well, maybe. And maybe that's not tragic. Seriously.
Reflecting on suffering and happiness and the Christian life leads to a realization that the Christian should expect suffering in this life because the goal of this life is to be made more like Christ. It is to grow and change and become more like Him. The goal here is not happiness. Oftentimes when we are most 'happy' we are not really being challenged to change or grow--we tend to just coast along, forgetting to pray, forgetting to strive for holiness. But this is not our home. We are travelers and this human life is temporary--just a breath in the span of eternity.
C.S. Lewis, in "Letters to an American Lady" empathizes with and encourages a female correspondent throughout her daily trials of life. He constantly directs her thoughts to heaven, reminding her that we shouldn't be so focused on our personal happiness in this life. What particularly struck me in my reading of this little gem of a book, was Lewis reminding the lady of her choice between Crosses. The context was choosing to live alone in her old age, or living in an 'old folks home' with a bunch of cantankerous senior citizens. Both are hard. Lewis says:
"It is (no disguising it) only a choice between Crosses. The more one can accept that fact, the less one can think about happiness on earth, the less, I believe, one suffers. Or at any rate the suffering becomes more purgatorial and less infernal."
If you are a Christian and you desire to grow in faith, then you will (must?) suffer. And that then leads to very, very good things-namely, becoming more like Christ. It means becoming more kind, more patient, more loving, less selfish, less proud. During trials and times of suffering, keep in mind that for the Christian, life often involves a choice between Crosses.
I encourage you to reflect on 1 Peter 1-4. He deals much with suffering. It is challenging to me to start this new year with a deeper understanding of the purpose of trials in this life. I want to suffer well, as a Christian should. I want my suffering to have a good purpose. I want to honor God in my suffering.
"For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are *beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: who committed no sin, Nor was deceit found in His mouth; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness-by whose stripes you were healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." 1 Peter 2: 19-25
*beaten is referring to slaves during those times--no woman should stay in a physically abusive relationship! But think of this challenge--to suffer patiently (and remember that our suffering is much less that those in this context) without reviling our aspies when they hurt our feelings. Rather we should be loving them with much patience. Then we will be honoring God in our suffering.
NT/AS Clue: "What's Wrong?!"
NT/AS Clue: The Aspie should not ask "what's wrong?" The Aspie should instead ask "what can I do to help?" The NT should not respond to "what's wrong" with an explanation of her emotional state. The NT should respond to "what's wrong" with a clear-cut statement of something practical the aspie could do to help her feel better.
It took me YEARS to understand this NT/AS rule. Countless times when I have been upset, my aspie spouse has asked (ahem, demanded) that I respond to "What's wrong?" Idiotic me (ok, neuro-typically wired me) would always go into a long explanation of my emotional problems/feelings at the time. BIG MISTAKE. Always ended in tears (for me) because he never responded appropriately. Now, of course, I understand that he truly didn't ever intend to be mean. Now I know that when he asks "what's wrong", what he means is "what can I do to help?"
And that's all he means. He doesn't have any interest in, and doesn't know what to "do" with, emotional monologue. He does, however, want to help. And so I can help him better help me by dropping the emotional stuff and respond with the likes of:
"I'm tired, can you watch the kids?" or "I'm stressed, can you massage my neck?" or "I just need a hug" or "Will you please bring me a drink?"
And it would really help the NT (who when she is emotional, and tired, and stressed, can't think well in aspie language anyway), if the Aspie would change his language and use the words "What can I do to help?" rather than saying "What's wrong?"
NOTE TO ASPIES: When you ask "what's wrong?" you are really asking for it . . . NT style! Thank you for wanting to help. But please, please use the words "What can I do to help you right now?" It'll make things so much clearer and so much easier. For everyone.
It took me YEARS to understand this NT/AS rule. Countless times when I have been upset, my aspie spouse has asked (ahem, demanded) that I respond to "What's wrong?" Idiotic me (ok, neuro-typically wired me) would always go into a long explanation of my emotional problems/feelings at the time. BIG MISTAKE. Always ended in tears (for me) because he never responded appropriately. Now, of course, I understand that he truly didn't ever intend to be mean. Now I know that when he asks "what's wrong", what he means is "what can I do to help?"
And that's all he means. He doesn't have any interest in, and doesn't know what to "do" with, emotional monologue. He does, however, want to help. And so I can help him better help me by dropping the emotional stuff and respond with the likes of:
"I'm tired, can you watch the kids?" or "I'm stressed, can you massage my neck?" or "I just need a hug" or "Will you please bring me a drink?"
And it would really help the NT (who when she is emotional, and tired, and stressed, can't think well in aspie language anyway), if the Aspie would change his language and use the words "What can I do to help?" rather than saying "What's wrong?"
NOTE TO ASPIES: When you ask "what's wrong?" you are really asking for it . . . NT style! Thank you for wanting to help. But please, please use the words "What can I do to help you right now?" It'll make things so much clearer and so much easier. For everyone.
Friday, November 26, 2010
It's the Most Tumultuous Time of the Year
Tumultuous: highly agitated, as the mind or emotions; distraught; turbulent.
It's the holiday season, and for many wives of aspies, the "whoop-de-do" isn't always all that wonderful. There could be turbulence with the in-laws about where to celebrate and when to get together. The NT wife may already be agonizing over gifts. "I have to tell him once again exactly what to get me for a gift because he doesn't have a clue what I like (or even what size I wear-sheesh!)."
When getting ready to spend the holidays with the aspies in the family, prepare more than a clean house, lovely gifts, and scrumptious food. Prepare your heart. Get ready to forgive, forbear, and love. Pray (maybe even fast and pray!), and change your mindset.
Don't think about how difficult it is to connect with them. Don't dread the time you will spend with them. Don't pity yourself for how unappreciated, unnoticed, and unloved you feel.
Instead, focus on loving them. And the kind of love they desire is probably pretty simple. You don't have to ask probing questions or go out of your way to do much of anything, really. They may just like to be together, even if that means sitting in front of the television all day. Stop stressing over feeling you have to carry all the conversations and try to enjoy the quiet. Read a magazine, play with the dog, or give the children your undivided attention (children are sponges for attention!). Help prepare, serve, or clean up the food, but don't wear yourself out doing it (because they won't notice and don't care about that anyway).
If you are the hostess, keep it simple. But most importantly, keep a cheerful spirit. They may not notice the spotless floors or triple layer cheesecake you spent many hours on, but they will notice a bad attitude and unloving disposition. They won't understand that your sour attitude could have anything whatsoever to do with them, so nothing productive can come of it anyway. :)
It's the holiday season. Love your neighbor. Love your enemies. Love your aspies!
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
It's the holiday season, and for many wives of aspies, the "whoop-de-do" isn't always all that wonderful. There could be turbulence with the in-laws about where to celebrate and when to get together. The NT wife may already be agonizing over gifts. "I have to tell him once again exactly what to get me for a gift because he doesn't have a clue what I like (or even what size I wear-sheesh!)."
When getting ready to spend the holidays with the aspies in the family, prepare more than a clean house, lovely gifts, and scrumptious food. Prepare your heart. Get ready to forgive, forbear, and love. Pray (maybe even fast and pray!), and change your mindset.
Don't think about how difficult it is to connect with them. Don't dread the time you will spend with them. Don't pity yourself for how unappreciated, unnoticed, and unloved you feel.
Instead, focus on loving them. And the kind of love they desire is probably pretty simple. You don't have to ask probing questions or go out of your way to do much of anything, really. They may just like to be together, even if that means sitting in front of the television all day. Stop stressing over feeling you have to carry all the conversations and try to enjoy the quiet. Read a magazine, play with the dog, or give the children your undivided attention (children are sponges for attention!). Help prepare, serve, or clean up the food, but don't wear yourself out doing it (because they won't notice and don't care about that anyway).
If you are the hostess, keep it simple. But most importantly, keep a cheerful spirit. They may not notice the spotless floors or triple layer cheesecake you spent many hours on, but they will notice a bad attitude and unloving disposition. They won't understand that your sour attitude could have anything whatsoever to do with them, so nothing productive can come of it anyway. :)
It's the holiday season. Love your neighbor. Love your enemies. Love your aspies!
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The Blog is Now a Book!
Blog2Print.com can turn any Blogger blog into a book within minutes. You can choose your cover, which posts to include, comments or not, etc. Includes a table of contents with post titles and page numbers for easy reference. Prices start around $10 and it arrives in about a week. Now how cool is that? If interested in printing this blog, you have my full permission. I blog with the hopes of encouraging others, and I have no copyright.
Thank you for reading and for posting all of your encouraging comments!
Aspmom
Thank you for reading and for posting all of your encouraging comments!
Aspmom
Monday, November 8, 2010
Forbearing with An Aspie
Studying and practicing forgiveness is vitally important, but forbearing with an aspie spouse may be just as vital to practice and contemplate. I am currently wading through another commentary-like reference book by the biblical counselor Martha Peace, called Attitudes of a Transformed Heart.
The dictionary says forbearance is "patient endurance." Mrs. Peace says "A person who is forbearing puts up with the differences as well as mistakes of others and they biblically bear with the sins of others. One should think:
1. How can I help them?
2. I would do this quicker but I can forbear with their slowness and wait.
3. It's their choice to do something that way and it's okay if they do it that way.
She goes on to say that Jesus had to put up with more than we can ever imagine. We should work hard at having unity in our home. We should bear with one another and forgive. Do not judge motives. Be accepting of (non-sinful) differences.
Forbearance also means showing tolerance. "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:1-3
"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3: 12-13
This is a daily struggle and so very difficult. God, help us.
The dictionary says forbearance is "patient endurance." Mrs. Peace says "A person who is forbearing puts up with the differences as well as mistakes of others and they biblically bear with the sins of others. One should think:
1. How can I help them?
2. I would do this quicker but I can forbear with their slowness and wait.
3. It's their choice to do something that way and it's okay if they do it that way.
She goes on to say that Jesus had to put up with more than we can ever imagine. We should work hard at having unity in our home. We should bear with one another and forgive. Do not judge motives. Be accepting of (non-sinful) differences.
Forbearance also means showing tolerance. "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:1-3
"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3: 12-13
This is a daily struggle and so very difficult. God, help us.
Friday, November 5, 2010
My Wonderful, Loving Husband
My husband still does not believe he has Asperger's Syndrome. But when I shared my newfound knowledge of autism's often comorbid condition, CAPD (an auditory processing disorder which can only be diagnosed by an audiologist), he listened. And even though he did not seem to believe he had any hint of CAPD, and even though he thought it a waste of time and money, because he loves me and knew it was important to me, he agreed to go for testing.
And yes, the test results indicate that he has an auditory processing disorder. I'm not at all surprised. I think he is actually quite shocked. It may take a while to sink in, so I'd better lay low for a while and let him process.
And I gotta say that I love, love, love that he was willing to be tested for me. It means the world to me that he would do that for me. This is another strong proof that he does all that is in his power (when it comes to mind) to show that he loves me.
It has often seemed that he works harder than most people I know, in many areas. The auditory processing test results make me believe this about him at a deeper, stronger level. I think I can be more patient, more compassionate, more kind, and less critical than I have been with his slow processing and communication problems. I hope so, anyway. We shall see.
And yes, the test results indicate that he has an auditory processing disorder. I'm not at all surprised. I think he is actually quite shocked. It may take a while to sink in, so I'd better lay low for a while and let him process.
And I gotta say that I love, love, love that he was willing to be tested for me. It means the world to me that he would do that for me. This is another strong proof that he does all that is in his power (when it comes to mind) to show that he loves me.
It has often seemed that he works harder than most people I know, in many areas. The auditory processing test results make me believe this about him at a deeper, stronger level. I think I can be more patient, more compassionate, more kind, and less critical than I have been with his slow processing and communication problems. I hope so, anyway. We shall see.
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