Aspies, Affection and Connection

The Bible tells us that Jacob had two wives, but Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah. I asked my aspie spouse what he thought the difference was in Jacob loving Rachel more than Leah.  There was nothing in his response about "connection" or anything about "feeling" more for her.  He perceives the difference was only in his actions.  He said the difference must be that he "showed more affection to Rachel in some way."

How do aspies understand and express affection and connection? 
1.  Like-mindedness and agreement is "connection".
2.  Being in the same space (same room, even if not talking) is expressing affection.  Wanting the person to be in the same space is connection.
3.  Physical touch can be his way of expressing affection and connection.
4.  Doing things for someone (ex., helping around the house) is expressing affection.

In the movie Adam, the AS man explains what it means when he says he loves the (NT) woman as wanting her with him and needing her to help him.  "I'd be lost without you" is an expression of how much value and love is felt by the aspie toward his spouse.  We need to understand that this is not a negative thing.  The Bible says that God made Eve to be Adam's helpmeet.  It was not good for Adam to be alone, and so he made a woman suitable for him.  Maybe for wives of aspies, we have a little deeper understanding of what it means to fulfill that helper role to our particular husbands. 

I hope Christian wives of aspies will be encouraged that you, with your particular strengths and gifts, were created as a suitable helper for your husband.  And even though he may not feel connection as emotionally as you do, that doesn't mean there is not true love there.  He probably deeply values you and loves you for the help that you are to him, even if he does not communicate it in the way you desire.

Future post will explore ways to help him learn to express this love in a way that communicates it better to an NT.

NT/AS Clue: If You Want Something Done Right Away

NT/AS Clue:  If you want something done right  away, just do it yourself!  If you want something done right, ask your aspie to do it.

One of my NT expectations that I have had to let go is wanting things done quickly by my aspie spouse.  Whether it be answering a question, taking out the garbage, or even chasing the toddler before he runs into the street, you must drop the expectation for the aspie to respond quickly.  He probably cannot do it.  In his mind, he may think he's responding quickly enough.  But it's likely that he is not.  So stop expecting him to respond quickly.  Definitely stop demanding that he respond quickly.  Make it your goal to be okay with the fact that this is something he simply cannot do.

If you want something done right away, just do it yourself.  Granted, this is difficult when you have the flu and you've asked for a drink of water.  You may need to hire some help or beg friends/family to come by if you're really ill or recovering from surgery.  But if your very first instinct when you want something done immediately or even quickly can become to do it yourself, you will be a much happier person in an NT/AS relationship.

Now, don't give up asking him to help altogether.  If you want something done right, in many cases (at least in my relationship), it's best to ask your aspie to do it.  He will devote much time (hours, days, possibly weeks) to performing the task with excellence.  He will pay attention to detail and the job will be done, often to perfection.  My husband will follow the pattern of the hardwoods when cleaning the floors, so corners I never hit will be cleaned well!  This kind of attention to detail and dedication to excellence takes time.  So don't ask for his help if you're not willing for it to take (sometimes a lot) of time.

Attraction to Aspergers

Looking around with my new understanding of Aspergers, I find I am surrounded by aspies.  I have had relationships with aspies in the past.  And currently I can detect Aspergers in the family tree (both sides, I now suspect), amongst some of my friends, and scattered throughout members of my church.  This "being surrounded" is not by accident, either.  I believe I am attracted to people with Asperger's Syndrome.

I admire people who have high intellect and value hard work and loyalty.  Discussions of theology are something I can enjoy for hours on end, even when I don't get many words in myself.  Humor that involves puns and plays-on-words makes me laugh out loud.

So there.  I'm admitting it to you, and most importantly, to myself.  I like aspies.  I really, really do.

Don't Lose Hope

The most discouraging (okay, devastating) thing when an NT woman first begins to understand Asperger's is that she begins to lose all hope.  Any hope she had for change in her partner disappears and so she loses all hope for positive change in the relationship. 

Biblical counsel says "Love always hopes.  You can't lose hope!"  But what the suffering spouse must understand and the counselor must point out in order to truly help their counselee, is that with autism in the mix, the spouse must change what she hopes for.  She cannot hope he will be a Neuro-typical ("normal") person.  She cannot hope her relationship will ever look like she always believed it would/should/could.  But there is most certainly hope, and this includes hope for better communication between them.

She absolutely can, with a lot of dedication and work, learn the language of Asperger's.  It won't ever be instinctual to her, because she is wired with a different first language.  But as she begins to learn and conversationally use this new language (which uses English words but applies totally different meanings to many of those words), she will be able to communicate with her aspie spouse in a way she never has before.  Finally speaking his native language, she can then (and likely only then) be able to help him learn hers (and thus he will come to learn more about her). 

There really, truly is hope for an NT/AS relationship.  And this hope includes being able to better communicate with one another.

"Love always hopes."  1 Corinthians 13

NT/AS Clue: "I Understand."

NT/AS Clue: 
Even though what is being said won't have the same meaning to each of us, that's okay.  The words the NT wants to hear are not taken literally by the NT.  If verbal expressions of empathy are memorized and applied by the aspie, it can bring peace in our communication with one another.

*NT to Aspie: 
When you say "I know that" (when I am sharing my thoughts/feelings with you), it makes me feel angry.  It would make me feel calm if you would say the words "I understand."

Optional further explanation:
"I know that" sounds combative and defensive to my brain and "I understand" sounds like caring and empathy to me.

*Disclaimer for this and all future shared clues:  These words will not be healing balms for all NT/AS people.  But it sure works for me!

Explaining NT Feelings: Conversational Algebra for Asperger's

To explain your feelings in a way your aspie can better understand, try using this algebraic equation:

When you          A           ,  it makes me feel ____B___.  It would make me feel ____X__ if you would ____Y_______.


REMEMBER:  "Y" must equal a practical, rational thing that can be done by an aspie.  It cannot be an abstract thing like "show me empathy, understanding" and the like.

An Aspie's Wife's Prayer

Sundays are the hardest day of the week for many spouses of aspies.  Some women complain of being "stuck" with their AS husband on the weekends.  I cry more on Sundays.  I hurt more on Sundays.  I face more conflict on Sundays.  And so I pray more on Sundays. 

And as it is The Lord's Day/the Christian Sabbath, I ought to be praying more anyway.  I believe I ought not to be thinking about myself at all, but on the things of God, by praying and reading his Word, the Bible. 
___________________________
An Aspie's Wife's Prayer

God, help me to accept what will never change about my Aspie.

Give me the strength to change my NT expectations for our relationship.

And grant me wisdom to understand the ways you have wired us so differently.
___________________________
These simple truths below, taken from the "First Catechism" for children, should be remembered when we become angry about Asperger's affecting our loved ones:
Who made you?  God.
What else did God make? God made all things.
Why did God make you and all things?  For his own glory.

God made me.  God made him.  God made Asperger's.  Why did God make me, him, and Asperger's?  For his own glory.

To God be the glory.
Amen.