The Wilted Rose

It has been a hard week. Since my husband doesn't know what to do to cheer me up (and doesn't see that I need cheering up in the first place), I sent him an email grocery list with only one item on it: "pretty flowers for the wife."

That evening when he walked in the door, he was grinning ear to ear. He proudly handed me a bunch of wilted, decaying roses. I cheerfully smiled and said 'thank you.'

And then I spent the next several minutes peeling off layers of ugly, wilted petals in search of some sort of loveliness underneath.

The symbolism astounds me.

I am a wilted rose in this asperger marriage. And my aspie husband doesn't even see it. And there are layers of ugliness in our marriage. But if I work hard enough and put in lots of extra effort, I can find some loveliness buried down deep.

Cracking Up

After telling a story about something so funny it made the person "crack up," my daughter asked if the person really got cracks in them. "No, it's just an expression that means you laugh really hard." Still looking puzzled, she said . . . "yeah, I thought so."

Recently during her speech therapy they worked on the meanings of several different expressions. And I am very thankful that our insurance is covering the sessions now (her doctor filled out a 'medical necessity' form).

"Asperger Moments"

A quote worth memorizing:

"Even at the most painful moments, try to detach and see the 'Asperger Moment' for what it is -- a statement of fact, not emotion."

from the 2009 book Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? Practical Steps to Saving You and Your Relationship by Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D.

Understanding Reality for an Aspie's Wife

The "Going Over the Edge" book has sparked some serious contemplation.

+Detachment is reality. There won't be an emotional connection in the marriage and the NT has to accept that. You won't get many compliments or much praise or appreciation. Your emotional state will not be comprehended and your needs will not be understood unless you explicity state them. He doesn't have those abilities and you cannot change him!

+You may find yourself making excuses to "cover" for your spouse's inabilities. (I believe it's best to only say things that are edifying about others. But this is a real challenge with certain AS situations. I aim to pray for wisdom and be 'slow to speak'.)

+You can love him even when he is "cold". Know that he does love you. He does care. He is just "cold". That's the way God made him. Be thankful for the ways he does show love (ex., providing for the family).

+Everything happens for a reason. Don't feel sorry for yourself or your children. You (and your children) can grow in wisdom and strength through the challenges that come from having autism in the family.

The book faces reality and yet is encouraging at the same time. Ouch, and yay.

Helpful Asperger Marriage Book

If you are an NT married to a spouse with Asperger's and want to read something that lets you know you are not alone, check out "Going Over the Edge" by Kathy Marshack.

This easy read is filled with real-life examples, true stories, and helpful, positive suggestions for handling difficult situations. How nice to find something encouraging to read about life with aspies!

Learning to Thrive in an Asperger Marriage

I just read a book that could be appropriately titled "Learning to Thrive in an Asperger Marriage." It actually never mentions aspergers or autism, but it has a chapter that deals with living with a spouse who has "limited capacities" in the areas of intellect, emotions, social situations, and more. The majority of the book deals with the disappointment in one's heart and how to not merely survive, but thrive in life despite a difficult marriage.

The book is called "Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage" and is written by two Christian psychologist brothers named Misja. I cannot recommend it strongly enough for anyone struggling in a difficult marriage.

Just a few of the excellent points the authors make are listed here:

* Understand what your spouse is unable to give. He cannot give what he doesn't have.

* He may also be limited in what he is able to receive from you.

* Suffering due to a spouse with limitations is real but of a different nature than pain felt from a rejecting or dangerous mate.

* Many 'limited' spouses have paid the price for their lack of ability by having to hear accusations of being uncaring, irresponsible, or selfish.

*Recognizing and accepting these deficits is crucial to a healthy marriage.

* Allow your heart to have no criticism, no tolerance for anger or bitterness, no negative talk about spouse, no using the kids, no whining.

* Give up all efforts to show your spouse your pain.

* Give up all efforts to change your spouse.

* Do not interpret spouse's actions negatively.

* Practice forgiveness as a way of life.

* Keep your heart alive.

* Don't draw attention to what doesn't happen in your marriage. Instead, figure out areas where you can connect well and enjoy those times as you embrace what is possible.

* Refuse to make him pay for not being able to engage and connect in other areas.

These are just a few points the authors expound on throughout the book. I hope you find it as helpful as I have!

Holidays with Aspie In-Laws

Family gatherings with the aspie side of the family can be extremely difficult for me. But with this newfound understanding of autism, I was able to approach a recent get-together with better understanding and less expectations.

I prayed hard prior to the event. Trying to figure out the best way to approach it all, I convinced myself to view it as going into another culture. As a missionary has to learn the ways and customs and language of another culture, so I had to realize that the aspies in the family are an entirely different people group even though they look the same as everyone else.

This meant that I remember in this culture the people will likely not volunteer to help with the dishes or other chores. They will probably not show any interest in my thoughts or health or anything about me. I will likely not be considered at all. And so I take the role of the servant, helping and working, all the while attempting to carry conversation by asking questions (otherwise all they do is stare at the television the entire time).

Christians are commanded to consider others above themselves and to serve and love one another. Well, in this case it's all one-sided, but whether they obey the commands or not, I am still called to!

It's always painful to be around the aspie side of the family, but this time was better. Lower expectations and a focus on serving others (without expecting any hint of appreciation or thoughtfulness in return) made it easier to get through. I am so grateful for knowledge of autism and asperger's. It is a huge relief to believe they are not hateful, selfish people who don't care two straws about me--they just don't know how (and it never enters their minds) to communicate otherwise.