Are You a Christian Whose Spouse Has Aspergers Syndrome?

The book I am recommending (aka SCREAMING FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT YOU NEED TO PURCHASE RIGHT THIS MINUTE, available on the free downloadable amazon kindle app to your phone or computer!) below will certainly not be characteristic of all aspies.  Some acknowledge their diagnosis and sincerely work hard on their relationships.  But many do not.  Which leaves many spouses in despair.

In the back of "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship Book" by Leslie Vernick she lists other helpful resources.  One is called "Foolproofing Your Life:  How to Deal Effectively With the Impossible People in Your Life" by Jan Silvious.  Here's a quote:

"The reason you remain in turmoil is that you are trying to relate to someone who has some wonderful qualities mixed with a perplexing set of destructive characteristics.  In the beginning you may have admired this person, but soon you found yourself mired in the chaos that seems to characterize the relationship.  One minute you hear your own laughter, and you hope against hope that all is well.  The next minute you're on the defensive in response to some inane comment or emotional jab made at you by this one to whom you are trying to relate.  If you protest, invariably the person denies he has said or done anything inappropriate.  In a few twists of the facts, he tries to convince you that you're a bitter person or just 'oversensitive.'  When you've been labeled with all other conceivable insults, there sometimes comes the appellation you hate more than any other:  'crazy.'  It leaves you bleeding.  What can you possibly do or say to counter that one?  By the the time the encounter is over, you are kicking yourself for even mentioning that you have feelings."

And that, my friends, was found on page seven.  The plot thickens and gets so much richer as you continue to read.  Here I've been struggling, thinking the Bible just does not address the particular relational issues that come with Asperger's Syndrome.  Thinking the average Christian counselor won't know how to deal with this unique scenario.  Well, that simply ain't true.  And this book shows you exactly where you need to turn in God's Word to glean the wisdom and answers you need right now.

Simply stunned at the moment,

aspmom

More Resources

Commenters have suggested "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship Book" by Leslie Vernick.  Thank you all for the great recommendation!  This very biblical resource should prove helpful to both men and women who are struggling with difficult relationships.

Best Asperger's Marriage Book!

Written by a man with Asperger's Syndrome, The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch, is the only "autism book" that has ever made me deeply empathize with someone who has aspergers.

The author clearly has strong autistic traits . . . and he writes of his very deep love and appreciation for his wife.  Ummmm . . . wow?  Uncommon, almost unrealistic, and yet, oh, so encouraging!

Full of extremely foul language and definitely rated R for adult content (so much so that I may not keep it around for fear of my children picking it up and reading it), I heartily recommend that all aspie's wives read this book.

Here's a post that introduces the book, written by the book's author:  http://jerobison.blogspot.com/2011/12/love-is-blind-marriage-is-eye-opener.html

 

On Grief and Letting Go

From the book Boundaries:

"Let go.  Face what you will never have from this person, or who this person symbolizes.  This will be like a funeral.  You will go through the stages of grief--denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance....  You will be amazed at how much can change in your life when you finally begin to let go of what you can never have. 

Letting go is the way to serenity.  Grief is the path."

Who is Responsible for the Want?

From the book Boundaries:

"Your disappointed desire is what hurts you.  The problem lies in who is responsible for the WANT.  It's your want, not his.  You are responsible for getting it fulfilled, not him.  That is a rule of life.  We do not get everything we want and we must all grieve over our disappointments instead of punish others for them. . . . Problems arise when we make someone else responsible for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our disappointments."

Oweee.

Okay, yep.  And aspie spouses do a whole lot of grieving. 

We also do a whole lot of blaming.

Deep sigh. 

"I can't think about that right now.  If I do, I'll go crazy. 

I'll think about that tomorrow." 

I'm so with you on that one, Scarlett O'Hara!

;)

Boundaries, Ladies. "Boundaries!"

Aspie spouses . . . get your hands on the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend as quickly as you can.  It will help you learn how to get over the guilt in a good way.  (Maybe you didn't even know you were acting out of guilt . . . or that you were being manipulated and controlled by Mr. Nice Guy, or MIL, or siblings, or your boss, or others....)

You will learn how to set some limits on how you will and will not be treated and for what you will and will not put up with.  You will meet with resistance at first.  But then you will find that your limits are respected.  And you will feel more free and more happy than you have in a long time.

Many thanks to those who shared this wonderful resource with me!  "Over 2 million copies sold" and it's easy to see why.  This book is recommended by countless biblical counselors and is not at all encouraging selfishness.  Now stop reading this blog post and go order the book!  :)

Water Torture

It's like water torture.

Yep, we hit a bad spell again.  Where I feel like the beat up sick guy in the ditch and he's the guy who walks right past without offering to help.  He was most certainly NOT the good Samaritan this weekend.

What did he do wrong?

It's what he doesn't do that hurts.  That grieves.  That kills.

Head held under water...feeling like you're gonna drown.  Uh huh, the pressure is awful and you think you're gonna die.  Then head up for air.  GULP in that air.  Breathe it in hard and deep cuz you'll be put back under again. 

When?  You never know.  Just be prepared at all times.

Breathing deeply today.  Filling up my lungs, my heart, my soul.

I hate water torture. 

God, help me to suffer well.  Help me to run this race and hear "well done" at the end.

"To live is Christ.  To die is gain."

Amen.