tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10264210877370077662024-03-13T03:38:59.098-07:00Aspie Wife, Aspie MomSharing my journey as the mother of a bright and happy child with Asperger's Syndrome, and wife to a hardworking, loyal husband, who is an Aspie, too.aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.comBlogger137125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-45678160293323830892019-04-28T12:11:00.000-07:002019-04-29T10:37:13.252-07:00There can be good days, weeks, and months! But . . . Six months. Half a year. All relatively peaceful.<br />
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What’s the secret to achieving such happiness? Oh, sweetheart, there isn’t one.<br />
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There are things that help. Avoidance. Refusal to engage in circular arguments. Refusal to share my emotions. Care not to speak with strong emotion.<br />
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Those exact same things I always say and know to be true, but tend to forget. I realize this afresh, every time I fail to implement such strategies.<br />
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Like today. After another go-round on this endless NT/AS carousel. <br />
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I AM SISYPHUS. And this marriage sometimes feels like the definition of insanity.<br />
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There <b>can</b> be good days, weeks, and months!<br />
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But . . . .<br />
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<span style="color: #3c4043; font-family: , "helveticaneue" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><i>In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was punished by being forced to roll an immense boulder up a hill only for it to roll down when it nears the top, repeating this action for eternity. Wikipedia</i></span>aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-76763392222868974472018-09-02T19:23:00.000-07:002018-09-02T19:24:29.334-07:00Only When Things are Really BadSeems the last few years I’ve only checked in here when things have been really bad. Yes, this week has been Really bad. <br />
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Last night, for the first time, I told one of the children that their father has Asperger’s. And told that child that “we marry our parents.” Meaning we tend to marry into what we are used to and have grown up with. Be aware, kiddo. Examine potential future mates carefully, through the lens of knowledge. Don’t have a marriage like ours. PLEASE, please don’t!<br />
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Because in your marriage, I don’t want you hiding away in a locked bedroom or bathroom more hours than you can count. It’s my alternative to divorce. And I don’t want this for you.<br />
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I want you to be able to communicate with your future spouse. I want you to feel heard, understood, and loved. You haven’t grown up seeing a marriage with even the most basic biblical communication, and that is my biggest regret in life. My regret is not so much that I didn’t have it for myself, but that our marriage didn’t model godly communication for you and your siblings.<br />
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I ache for myself tonight. I ache for my children tonight. I ache for the negative impact that will affect future generations. <br />
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Lord, have mercy. Please, God, have mercy.aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-65812246109730770202017-07-17T20:40:00.000-07:002017-07-17T20:40:42.513-07:00Lack of Empathy for the Children Wow. And I thought his lack of empathy for <b>me</b> was horrible. Nothing makes my blood boil more than when he fails to show any empathy toward my <i>children</i>! The kids are old enough now to more clearly and verbally express their exasperation and frustration. They can feel very, very, emotionally hurt by his seeming callousness.<br />
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The children should be told that he has Asperger's. But, how? He is certainly not going to tell them. He won't tell anyone. How should I go about explaining this to them? Do I share how nearly all of our marital strife is rooted in the NT/AS marriage dynamic? "Marriage doesn't have to look like this, kids." I don't want their future marriages to be like ours!<br />
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Sometimes I am encouraged at the thought of our marriage becoming peaceful, and maybe even fun, once we are empty nesters. But, then I realize there will be grandchildren one day. And the issues that upset me so much now, will return when he is with the grandchildren. And if our adult children have problems and need emotional support and empathy from him? He has the power to (albeit unwittingly) destroy them. <br />
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Which destroys me.<br />
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Yes, I know. It is time to go back to counseling. Way, way past time.<br />
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God, help us all.<br />
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<br />aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-33602071280332115202016-11-23T12:53:00.001-08:002016-11-23T12:53:10.548-08:00Humdrum HolidayMy husband doesn't show much emotion over holidays, and is totally fine if nothing festive happens. Decorating the house? Why bother? Too much hassle. Christmas tree? Bah, too much money. Thanksgiving feast? Blah, too much money. Gifts for family members? Not necessary. Or something cheap will do.<div>
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Making memories. What's that? </div>
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Traditions. Why?</div>
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As if normal holiday stress were not difficult enough, the dull and deep ache of loneliness prevails and casts a shadow over the joys of the season. </div>
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I carry the load. I make the memories. I keep the traditions. Without me, the children would have very little by way of expression of celebration. </div>
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To outsiders, we look like a happy couple. And, sometimes, we are. But, lately, the majority of the time . . . not so much. It's time for another humdrum holiday.</div>
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What can I do? What will help?</div>
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Look beyond the shadow. Turn toward thankfulness to be able to turn away from the ache.</div>
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Pray to be able to make meaning out of the madness.</div>
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Your situation may be incredibly crazy-making. But you are not crazy. </div>
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And, always remember that you are not alone. </div>
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aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-42739221921611652932016-07-03T19:21:00.000-07:002016-07-03T19:21:02.130-07:00Same old, same old . . . . Well, I'm right back where I was several years ago, when my Aspergers journey first started. It feels like that, anyway.<br />
<br />
While my aspie husband and I were in marriage counseling, the marriage was at least getting his attention, and acceptable ways of communicating were occasionally on his mind. Counseling for us stopped, and the marriage is back to horrible, and communication is ungodly.<br />
<br />
I just found a blog post I wrote in 2011 and am re-posting in case anyone else is going through the same hell I am. I desperately need to be able to hope again. <i>Do you?</i><br />
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<i><br /></i>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Just when everything has been fine and dandy for a while, a "What the . . . huh?!" moment comes along and knocks you on your rear.</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Cuz you did it again. Your feelings were hurt and you thought he would care that your feelings were hurt. Ya Big Dummy. How could you forget like that? He doesn't give a rat's be-hind about your feelings. You know that. C'mon. You've been told a gazillion times. </span><em style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">When will you ever learn?</em><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">But seriously. It hurts like the dickens, doesn't it? "What the . . . huh?!" moments are all too frequent in an NT/AS relationship. And they recur. No matter how long it's been since the last time it happened, it comes back. And it hurts. It's the nature of the beast. It's self-centered. "It's all about him/her (the aspie)." It's never about your feelings. Your feelings simply do not matter. All that matters is your smiling, unemotional acceptance of everything life throws your way.</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">And you forgot again. You made an attempt to explain </span><strong style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">why</strong><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> you felt the way you did. You attempted to share a piece of your heart with him. But it's just not about you, ya know. It's only about him! He doesn't listen or try to understand the feelings-talk. He gets defensive and feels attacked. "So it's all my fault?!" is his response to everything you say. "Damn, you big jerk!" you want to scream back at him. "Would you just hear that I am in pain and act, </span><em style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">even just</em><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> </span><em style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><strong>act</strong></em><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">, like you care?" </span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">But I'm not being fair. The rational, logical part of me knows that. This pain, at its root, is caused by his autism. He does care about me. If I have a broken leg, he comprehends that and will even perform acts of kindness that show he cares. His brain just doesn't comprehend empathy for my feelings. He doesn't "get it." And he can't. And I shouldn't expect him to.</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">The best analogy I have ever read was on a forum post by cmasp on leprosy. Leprosy prevents a person from feeling pain. And so a leper can put their hand into boiling water and not take it out, thus resulting in serious injury. You can explain PAIN to a leper, but they cannot know what it feels like. They can be taught to take a hurting person pain medicine, but they don't truly understand. And the aspie can be taught ways to respond to you, but he isn't going to understand--deeply understand--what you are expecting from him in the realm of empathy.</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">And so the cycle continues. I expect the impossible. I get hurt. I try to share my hurt and he gets defensive. Will it never end? I despair.</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">But love always hopes. And God "opens the eyes of the blind." I believe that. Maybe, just maybe, I need to quit seeing him as the only one who is blind in this relationship. Maybe I should hope that God would open </span><strong style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">my </strong><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">eyes to the wonder of His creating us male and female, </span><em style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">autistic and neurotypical</em><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">. Maybe I should start hoping that I will rejoice more in these trials that bear the good fruit of making me less selfish, more patient, more tolerant, and more kind.</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Maybe if I change what I hope for I'll have less "What the . . . huh?!" moments in this NT/AS relationship.</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Maybe?</span><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><br style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fff3db; color: #29303b; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Let's hope!</span>aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-87265812504114381652016-02-21T08:43:00.001-08:002016-02-21T08:43:56.501-08:00Borderline Personality Disorder, Codependency, and AspergersDoes your aspie fly into rages? Intensely fear abandonment? Have extremely poor emotion regulation? <br />
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If so, consider researching Borderline Personality Disorder. The website "Out of the Fog" has tremendous resources to help understand BPD as well as helps for understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder.<br />
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It seems autism can have several different comorbid disorders. So, don't blame every difficulty on autism! Research personality disorders.<br />
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And if your loved one fits the bill for a personality disorder, definitely study Codependency. You may be caught up in a common disorder yourself, and without realizing it, you might be enabling the dysfunction.aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-88107881090909853452015-10-04T08:50:00.003-07:002015-10-04T08:50:47.610-07:00Speaking of Consequences . . . Yesterday, my aspie spouse started yelling at me in the car. What started the argument was, of course, my fault. <br />
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Because I'm a total idiot. Mainly, because I have feelings. And (cardinal sin that it is), I tried to share said feelings.<br />
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So stupid of me!<br />
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Will I never learn? Obviously not.<br />
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No matter how much brilliant and helpful how-to-speak-to-an-aspie-knowledge I store in this noggin of mine, my natural, God-created heart will vomit out my feelings via this mouthpiece of mine that can't seem to stay shut. Or to remember the "rules." Great rules, yes. But are they always there in an argument? Nope.<br />
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So, don't feel like a failure when the tips, tricks, and rules are forgotten and feelings spew out.<br />
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Take a deep breath. And get out of the argument as fast as you can. Any way that you can.<br />
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Know what I did yesterday? When he was yelling at me? And I was stuck in a car? (Normally, I drive. Again, I was a complete idiot yesterday and forgot to insist on driving myself.)<br />
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I got out. In the middle of an intersection. At a red light. In the middle of traffic.<br />
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And I started walking.<br />
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I had no plan other than to just get away from him. Because he will no longer be allowed to treat me that way. To speak to me that way. To YELL at me.<br />
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I walked several blocks. Home was about five miles away. And I was willing to walk all the way, around dangerous, sidewalk-less curves. <br />
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Maybe I would've called a friend. Or in a momentary bout of insanity, accepted a ride from a stranger (a female stranger, only, though). <em>I guess I could always call a cab. And charge the bill to his credit card. Ha! Now THAT would get his attention.</em><br />
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Well, he pulled up beside me, completely shell-shocked. <em>Where am I going? I am going home. I am not spending the day with you. I am not joining you on the plans we had for the day. I am going home. If you will take me straight there without talking, I will get in the car. Otherwise, I will find another way home.</em><br />
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And he drove me home. Where I locked myself in the bedroom for the rest of the day. (*Another life-saving tip: get a doorknob with a lock to which you have the only key!)<br />
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At the end of the night, my aspie quietly and humbly apologized for not listening to my concerns. Yes, my aspie has come a very, very long way. Apologizing for "<em>not listening to my concerns" </em>would never have happened the first umpteen years of our marriage. These days, however, my aspie can actually be pretty darn awesome. I thank God for that. For getting us help. For couples counseling, and therapy, and a diagnosis, and answered prayers.<br />
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Keep praying. Forgive him, and forgive yourself for all the times you mess up and<em> OOPS!</em> share your feelings. Use consequences. It can get better. It can, it can, it can. But it will never be easy. It will never be over. Aspergers will always be there as a trial for you both to fight your way through, learning, growing, and becoming better and stronger because of it.<br />
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God is good. God is in control. God gave him this. God gave <strong>you </strong>this. And He will provide a way for you both.<br />
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<br />aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-39278900277546401242015-09-06T16:12:00.002-07:002015-10-04T08:51:04.622-07:00Consequences and Nondefensive CommunicationAnother great book worth having at your fingertips for frequent reference is "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">The author states that "Nondefensive communication always works!" And she is absolutely correct.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">Over the past few months, I have worked hard at communicating more effectively with the aspies in my life, especially with the ones who tend to be rather angry. My getting defensive, yelling, crying, seeking to argue, justify, or give reasonable explanations, only escalated problems. Two major changes, however, have impacted my life immensely.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">1.). Consequences. Set a boundary line around issues and areas that need help, and start protecting your time, energy, heart, and life. Be calm and clear. After asking nicely that your aspie take your feelings into consideration (which they likely won't and/or just won't know how to manage such a feat), state the consequence for failing to take care of your comfort or health. "I feel scared. If you do not stop speeding on these dangerous roads, I will find another way home from the event." "My pain level is bad this week. If you do not put the in-laws in a hotel when they come to visit, I will go stay in a hotel myself until they leave." "I'm not willing to be yelled at. I'm leaving." Sound too harsh? An NT would not as likely need such directness along with a consequence, after explaining one's emotional turmoil or health problems that are affected in a given scenario, but your aspie might.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">2.) In an argument, use Nondefensive answers only and refuse to justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself. For memory's sake, the book gives the acronym JADE (don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain). I prefer more grim terms, and use the acronym DEAD (Don't Explain, Argue, or Defend). Because if there will be no chance of reaching mutual understanding, the sooner the argument is killed the better!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">Most importantly, one should commit to memory a list of Nondefensive answers:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">"I'm sorry you're upset."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">"I understand how you might see it that way."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">"Really?"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">"You're entitled to your opinion."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">"This is the way it has to be."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">"I need to think about this more."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">and one more time . . . The one phrase that can be used in any conversation that will bring an argument to a close . . . </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">"I'M SORRY YOU ARE UPSET." (aka "I'm sorry you feel that way.")</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">Respond with that one phrase and always remember your goal for heated arguments.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">DEAD.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">Don't Explain, Argue, or Defend! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">What? You disagree?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">I'm sorry you feel that way. ;)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-38112696216330971112015-03-26T19:37:00.000-07:002015-03-26T19:37:55.338-07:00For Better<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wn3os9tORfk/TW1b_f7p0XI/AAAAAAAAAC8/3_FBOMjeG3U/s1600/Daisies%2B(640x481).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wn3os9tORfk/TW1b_f7p0XI/AAAAAAAAAC8/3_FBOMjeG3U/s1600/Daisies%2B%28640x481%29.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
Counseling has made a world of difference in our relationship! Meeting with a counselor who understands autism, and having my emotions validated by a professional <i>in the presence of my aspie spouse,</i> is what I needed to be able to move forward with contentment. I didn't realize how much I needed <i>that.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Whether he ever understands me, communication, or our relationship, the fact that he physically attends a counseling session where he has to give his full attention to <b>the marriage</b> has completely changed us for the better.<br />
<br />
When we miss a session, anger and misery creep back, old habits return with a vengeance. For now it is obvious that we must regularly meet together with a counselor. It only makes sense, right? The aspie is often lacking the common sense to see what others see so easily. He needs to focus deeply on the task. He might see counseling as pointless. Even during and after sessions he may believe it was a waste of time. But if it's what you need, it's okay to make it a non-negotiable requirement. <br />
<br />
Whether he realizes it or not, the relationship got his full attention for the time in counseling, and seeds were planted that will slowly take root and grow. Somewhere in that amazing aspie brain, communication was the focus. He was <i>there. </i>He was there <i>with me. </i>Though it may not make any sense to him whatsoever, his attending counseling sessions with me makes me know that he cares and that he is trying.<br />
<br />
It's better. The relationship is not all good. But it's better.<br />
<br />
Praise God, <b>we </b>are better.aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-70337579593860193232014-09-12T10:55:00.001-07:002014-09-12T10:55:55.738-07:00Get ready. Get set. And GO!Literally.<br />
<br />
Sometimes it is necessary to leave the relationship in order to wake the aspie up.<br />
<br />
Read "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage" by Leslie Vernick. This is a different book from "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" by the same author. Vernick goes against the common Christian counsel when she encourages a time of separation as a positive step. How true that "if you don't allow the abuser to suffer the pain of consequences, he will never change."<br />
<br />
I am a Christian whose spouse has Asperger's Syndrome. And I left my angry aspie. Got my stuff and kids ready. Got set for the right moment. And left.<br />
<br />
Five years of pleading with him to go to counseling, to be evaluated for Aspergers, and to work on communication in our marriage met adamant refusal.<br />
<br />
It took my leaving to wake him up. It took a dramatic, drastic, serious action. It took suffering the consequences. And you know what?<br />
<br />
My spouse just received an official diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. A 100% confirmed diagnosis.<br />
<br />
And we are now in marriage counseling with a counselor who is very familiar with autism spectrum disorders.<br />
<br />
Praise God.<br />
<br />
<br />
Let's get ready, get set, and go.<br />
<br />
Get ready. Get set. And GO.aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-37729814105516506412014-07-08T21:14:00.001-07:002014-07-08T21:15:54.860-07:00New Resource by the Best AS/NT Author!The very clearest explanations of how Aspergers Syndrome affects a relationship with an NT partner are found in Ashley Stanford's book "Aspergers Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships." That was my Aspergers bible when I started this journey, and I strongly recommend every NT who is in any sort of relationship (but particularly a romantic one) with an aspie, read that book, even before reading any others. It simply hits the nail on the head for the NT partner who is struggling to understand the crazy AS/NT journey (that now finally has a name!) that she has been on.<br />
<br />
When I recently stumbled upon a new book by Ms. Stanford, I could not wait to purchase it. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Troubleshooting-Relationships-Autism-Spectrum-Relationship/dp/1849059519/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1404878414&sr=8-4">Troubleshooting Relationships on the Autism Spectrum: A User's Guide to Resolving Relationship Problems</a> by Ashley Stanford.<br />
<br />
Hope these resources help you as much as they have helped me!<br />
<br />
<em><strong>aspmom</strong></em><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-11794467931305071762014-05-01T07:56:00.002-07:002014-05-01T07:56:32.627-07:00ToxicFrom the book <u>Toxic In-Laws</u> by Susan Forward: "People can only give what they can give, and can only be who they are. We are all limited in certain ways, and we are all the product of our own history. Let go of resentment. Find realistic acceptance of what can and cannot be regarding the relationship."<br />
<br />
What can your aspie not help being, and what can he choose to help? The aspie may not be able to help that he only sees things from his own perspective, due to his brain wiring. This means, in my situation, that he will believe I am always wrong anytime we disagree/differ. I can expect him to believe I am always wrong. I can accept that it is pointless to try and share my perspective or ever reach mutual understanding. But he<em> can</em> choose to be calm rather than out of control. He <em>can</em> be held responsible for speaking in anger.<br />
<br />
I've struggled "through the pain and error that so often create wisdom" (<u>Toxic In-Laws</u>). Struggled so hard to find "realistic acceptance of what can, and cannot be, in a relationship" with all of the difficult people in my life.<br />
<br />
From <u>Foolproofing Your Life</u>: "Your goal cannot be to have the fool change; instead, your goal must be to find a personal freedom that allows you to be the person God intends for you to be, no matter what choices your fool makes. Turn from being consumed by the behavior of your fool."<br />
<br />
aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-23574977643513637902014-03-26T08:44:00.002-07:002014-03-26T14:08:52.396-07:00In an Asperger's Marriage or Relationship? Grieving the Death of the Dream<br />
An asperger's diagnostician informed me that 80% of children diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism) have either a parent or a grandparent (likely undiagnosed) on the autism spectrum.<br />
<br />
Many parents have a light bulb "aha" moment after the diagnosis of a child. "AHA! So THIS explains why my spouse (or parent) has always done such and such. He (or she) has traits consistent with autism!"<br />
<br />
And the relief of finally having a name to go with the confusing characteristics and behaviors is quickly followed by grief. Please know that this grief is <em><strong>normal, </strong></em>and oh, so common<em><strong>. </strong></em><br />
<strong><em></em></strong><br />
After going through the grief myself over the past five years, my advice to you is to go with it. Don't fight it. The dream of ever having a normal, typical relationship with your autistic loved ones is over. GRIEVE! <br />
<br />
It's okay to have been in denial. Don't beat yourself up if you had been denying the symptoms in the past. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. And it's fine to be angry. But try very hard not to take the anger out on those around you. Journal. Pray. Confide in a highly empathic friend, or seek a good counselor during this time, to help you process all the emotions you are feeling.<br />
<br />
Familiarize yourself with the stages of grief: <a href="http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/">http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/</a> But most importantly, call this what it is. This is the DEATH of a dream. GRIEF of a true loss.<br />
<br />
As you are able to better understand what <em>you</em> are truly going through, post-diagnosis, you will grow, and then be better able to take care of the differently-abled people in your life.<br />
<br />aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-17617600130132624422014-03-16T11:49:00.000-07:002014-03-16T19:39:27.025-07:00FOUND! A Christian Counselor for an Aspergers Marriage!<br />
<br />
Check out this link:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://aacc.net/?s=asperger">Several good articles for the Christian living with Aspergers Syndrome</a><br />
<br />
The link above has some good articles for the Christian, or Christian spouse of someone with Asperger's Syndrome or high functioning autism (as it is now called).<br />
<br />
Best of all, there IS now a Christian counselor and marriage and family therapist who is very familiar with autism and Aspergers! Go to: CounselorStephanieHolmes(dot)com for contact info. She has both personal experience in her own life, and professional experience, with autism spectrum disorders.<br />
<br />
AND . . . Drum roll . . . This Christian counselor will counsel patients all over the world via Skype, so no worries if her office is too far away. That may sound iffy, but I vouch for her. This counselor is legit. She knows her autism stuff, and seems biblically solid, too. I recently attended a large conference where she was speaking. I am in no way getting compensation or anything for recommending this therapist. I'm just so thrilled SOMEONE has the skills to counsel women and men in Aspergers marriages.<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);"> C'mon therapists and counselors out there....the future is here! These Aspergers kiddos diagnosed in the 1990s will be getting married soon, and there will be gazillions of spouses seeking therapists with knowledge of autism. This is seriously an untapped gold mine in the future of the counseling field. Aspie spouses may be the very best therapists due to their personal experience and wisdom acquired over the years. So if looking for a field to study or career change . . . consider counseling with an emphasis on autism and families with special needs.</span>aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-17890891599471555512014-01-30T08:44:00.002-08:002014-01-30T08:44:39.896-08:00Learning to Trust AgainThe single most helpful book I have read to date throughout my asperger's syndrome journey is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. The second is like it, but goes deeper, once a person is ready to go deeper. "Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships" by Dr. John Townsend is worth adding to your bookshelf or Kindle.<br />
<br />
It's rare for a Christian to be biblically counseled that it's <strike>okay</strike> <i>necessary</i> sometimes to set strict limits on what behaviors one will put up with from a spouse, relative, coworker, or friend. When<i> hurt</i> becomes <i>harm</i>, it's time to set protective limits around oneself. Such limits may even mean ending the relationship entirely. <br />
<br />
And that's okay, too.<br />
<br />
<br />aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-76416888221495986742013-11-29T07:58:00.003-08:002013-11-29T07:58:50.935-08:00Conflict with a Female who has Asperger's SyndromeOh, HELP. Holiday drama time is here again.<br />
<br />
Conflict, conflict, conflict. This time with a woman who has Asperger's.<br />
<br />
Her "feelings are hurt." She is demanding certain actions and behaviors from another person. She "takes no delight in understanding, but only in airing her own opinions." (Which the Bible calls <em>a fool,</em> btw.)<br />
<br />
There is zero desire to hear the other person's perspective (of course). There is no compassion or empathy for the struggles the other person is going through. There is an air of superiority, and there are many demands to have her own way. Guilt messages are vomited out of her mouth. And it's all making <strong>me</strong> sick.<br />
<br />
There is no point in trying to share a different perspective, right? So, what do you do? Really. What do <strong><em>you </em></strong>do? <br />
<br />
Reading, and re-reading <u>Boundaries</u> by Cloud and Townsend. The chapter that deals with Guilt Messages is excellent. This relationship may completely break down, for a time, anyway. And that might be a necessary, and eventually, a productive thing.<br />
<br />
<strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">DEEP, </span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">DEEP, </span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">SIGH.</span></em></strong>aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-52958214941008067232013-11-29T07:06:00.000-08:002013-11-29T07:06:13.159-08:00Difficult, Disappointing, or Destructive? Video ChannelGreat YouTube Channel from Leslie Vernick on the Emotionally Destructive Marriage or Relationship!<br />
<br />
Several videos from the author of "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" Leslie Vernick:<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3IYGT8rM_0&list=UUb80rbYCcnTUYMJGsla7NYQ">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3IYGT8rM_0&list=UUb80rbYCcnTUYMJGsla7NYQ</a>aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-83536789677722524342013-11-25T07:45:00.001-08:002013-11-25T07:49:54.934-08:00For Women Only"For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn is a must-read for every female on the planet. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-Revised-Updated-Edition/dp/1601424442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1385392202&sr=8-1&keywords=for+women+only">"For Women Only" on Amazon</a><br />
<br />
And for Christian wives of aspies, in particular, this eye-opener could be key to changing your marriage for the better. Without going into too much graphic detail, we women need to realize that physical intimacy for most men, <strong>is</strong> the way the male experiences emotional connection.<br />
<br />
We may be known for behaving like this: <em>Since my Asperger's husband is not connecting with me emotionally, there's no way I will connect with him physically</em> (meaning intimately; forgive the prudish skirting around technical, literal terms. The reason is simply that I don't want the keywords I use to draw the wrong kind of traffic to this blog--been there done that, and it wasn't pretty cleaning up all the spam that resulted.). <br />
<br />
If physical intimacy <strong>is</strong> the way he connects emotionally, our refusal to meet him in that way is making us just as bad, just as wrong, as he is for not meeting our needs emotionally. The difference is that the aspergers man cannot connect with you emotionally. But you, on the other hand, do have the power to connect with him, the (only) way he is able to connect.<br />
<br />
<em>But that's not fair!</em> I know. <em>Why should I be the one to give, when he isn't giving to me?</em> I understand. Yet, know what? Something incredible happens when you change into a responsive, warm, inviting wife in this area. It may take some time for his walls to come down, if you have previously been harsh (as I was, from the time I first discovered he had aspergers), but when they do . . . there is connection. There really is!<br />
<br />
True, he can never connect emotionally they way you desire him to. The death of that dream should be grieved. A time of mourning is likely necessary--going through all the stages of grief. When you come to the final stage of grief, acceptance, and then embrace connection with him the only way he knows how to experience connection, life gets better.<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Because, then, even the aspergers male will feel a connection with you. And you will begin to sense that. Sensing that he, in his way, cherishes you, can change your mourning into joy. From the ashes can come beauty.</span></strong><br />
<br />
The author also wrote a book "For Men Only" to help men understand women better. If your aspie is willing to read it, it could be helpful. If your aspie is like mine, he will have no interest in trying to understand the inner lives of women, and it won't ever be read. <em>What's new, right?</em><br />
<br />
However, if <strong>you</strong> sincerely want things to be better, you really should read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. And then, with a new, better understanding, seek connection with him. You won't be sorry.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-57387619601778585682013-10-06T11:01:00.001-07:002013-10-06T11:01:26.311-07:00The Cycle Never EndsIt never ends, does it?<br />
<br />
No matter how much time goes by. Days, weeks, months, may even go by where you go into hiding. Staying away, staying silent, refusing to engage in any conversation that may possibly divulge a remnant of <i> feeling, </i>brought some semblance of <b>peace. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>But that won't last.</b> It cannot possibly last. Because you have a neurologically typical brain, heart, soul.<br />
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And <span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">he doesn't.</span><br />
<br />
In a moment of . . . What was it this time? Intense feeling? A desire to share? Forgetfulness? Foolishness? Mere stupidity on your part? Whatever the cause, you did it yet again.<br />
<br />
You shared something of <i>yourself</i>. And the result was utter destruction. Sheer madness. Wondering again <i>"What the hell just happened here?"</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Oh, yeah. Now I remember.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Back into the hole I go. <br />
<br />
I choose peace.<br />
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<i><br /></i>
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<ol>
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aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-6168174076186603102013-06-24T13:28:00.000-07:002013-06-24T13:28:19.300-07:00from "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and TownsendI highly recommend the book <em>Boundaries in Marriage</em> by Cloud and Townsend.<br />
<br />
Some noteworthy tidbits:<br />
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<em>and what aspie spouses dream their aspies would comprehend--</em> "Another part of the 'you are not me' concept is the ability to see another person for who she is apart from what we need or want from her and to love and appreciate that person for who she is . . . . To cherish someone's existence apart from you and apart from what you get from that person . . . To see the other person as distinct and separate from you --a person in her own right, with value and wonderful things about her that have nothing to do with gratifying you in any way other than pure appreciation. This is the joy of just knowing a person."<br />
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From Proverbs-- "Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you. Rebuke a wise man and he will love you."<br />
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"People in denial are deaf to words of truth. Just using words will not get the message across. They only respond to pain and loss. Separation or distancing may be necessary."<br />
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"Someone who is boundary resistant will deny, rationalize, and blame. The nature of resistance: an opposition to seeing or owning an issue."<br />
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"A boundary without a consequence is 'nagging.'" <br />
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"Be prepared to meet with resistance [when you first begin using boundaries in your marriage]."<br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">"God uses your need within your marriage to reorient you to a growing love relationship with Him as the source of your life."</span></strong><br />
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<strong>Reading the original book "Boundaries" before reading "Boundaries in Marriage" would be most helpful. Introducing boundaries--and enforcing them with practical consequences--has been life-changing. Thank you Cloud and Townsend!</strong>aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-76895658534250962192013-04-21T10:27:00.003-07:002018-09-09T08:56:46.350-07:00One Way Love<br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">"Expectation is the mother of resentment."</span></strong></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><span style="font-size: large;"><em>"Our only hope for relationships is grace."</em></span></strong></div>
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aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-77559305613941821462013-02-25T05:01:00.000-08:002013-02-25T05:07:24.279-08:00Expectations and LimitationsACCEPTANCE is what it all comes down to, isn't it? That's what they say. That's what they've always said. "Just accept me." But we desire something <em>different</em>. Desperately longing for emotional connection, we read every book ever written on the differences between men and women. Trying every trick, applying every formula, nothing ever truly gives us the desired result.<br />
<br />
We expect more. We expect 'typical', 'normal', 'neurotypical'. No matter how many books on autism we read, we can NOT drop our expectations.<br />
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And so we suffer. Deep, depressing suffering engulfs us.<br />
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He has limitations. Serious, brain-wired, emotional limitations. He <em>cannot</em> be what we want. He <em><strong>cannot</strong>. </em>Which means it is unkind and unloving of us to expect more of him than he can ever give. We must accept his limitations.<br />
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The Mantra of the Aspie Spouse should be<br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">"Drop the Expectations and Accept his Limitations."</span></strong><br />
<strong><span style="font-size: large;"></span></strong><br />
If only it were that easy.aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-48171688828710924302012-12-16T19:29:00.000-08:002018-09-09T09:01:56.929-07:00Christian Wife of an Aspergers Husband If you are the Christian wife of an Asperger’s husband, you have found the right blog. <br />
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All of the helpful books and techniques I have learned throughout my own painful journey can be found here. <br />
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May God be with you and bless you.<br />
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Sincerely,<br />
<br />
<b><i>aspmom</i></b><br />
<br />aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-61225984709338893612012-12-02T08:01:00.001-08:002012-12-16T19:31:16.186-08:00NT/AS Relationships Require Superhuman StrengthLiving with and communication with someone who has Asperger's Syndrome requires superhuman strength.<br />
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You must give up expectations for<br />
1. empathy<br />
2. understanding<br />
3. your well-being, thoughts, and desires to be be taken into consideration.<br />
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You must have the ability to be independent and to <br />
1. take care of yourself (health, and rest)<br />
2. seek happiness apart from them<br />
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You must find ways to<br />
1. seek joy and relax<br />
2. find beauty in life<br />
3. make yourself look beautiful<br />
4. cultivate friendships<br />
5. have emotional support apart from them (counseling may be necessary)<br />
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It requires carefully balancing respectfully not caring what they think of you. Because you will receive little to no appreciation or approval no matter how hard you try. So STOP trying!<br />
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Christians must live for the approval of God alone. Must learn to forgive as God, through Christ, forgives you. Replace pride with humility, realizing you are a sinner, too, and no better (in God's eyes) than they are.<br />
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You must let go of:<br />
1. Guilt - when you are unable to think, act, or work as if you are a robot.<br />
2. Hope - that the person will change. They are disabled, which is a normal part of a fallen world.<br />
3. Desire - for things to be different.<br />
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The only thing that can change or be different is <em>you</em> and your response to them. And that requires the Holy Spirit's gifts of self-control and faithfulness. Super-human strength. Impossible. Yet possible through Christ, and through Him alone.aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026421087737007766.post-43716334467052530822012-12-02T07:45:00.002-08:002012-12-16T19:30:53.144-08:00Self-Protective Measures for the NT partner<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Self-Protective Measures for the NT Partner </span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">in an NT/AS Relationship:</span></strong></div>
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* Don't require eye contact. Because you might not like what you see (and <em>don't </em>see). :(<br />
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* Don't <em>make</em> eye contact because you might not like what you see (and don't see). :(<br />
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* Don't share your emotions. Be stoic in conversations. <br />
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* Don't share too much information. <br />
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* Don't attempt "mutual sharing."<br />
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* Don't think they want to understand. They probably don't. :(<br />
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* Retreat often.<br />
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* Retreat quickly.<br />
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* Retreat. To a true place of retreat.<br />
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* Don't ask. Just smile and nod.<br />
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* Talk slowly. In a monotone.<br />
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* Don't <em>care</em> when you only ever get disapproval. <em>Well, <strong>try</strong> not to care, anyway.</em><br />
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* Remember that your behavior is what matters most to an aspie . . . not your<em> heart</em>.<br />
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<em><strong><span style="font-size: large;">Love your enemies. Bless your enemy. If he is hungry, give him something to eat. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. </span></strong></em><br />
<em><strong><span style="font-size: large;"></span></strong></em><br />
<em><strong><span style="font-size: large;">Love your neighbor as yourself.</span></strong></em><br />
<strong><em><span style="font-size: large;"></span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">Love your enemies.</span></em></strong>aspmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01642480111576417752noreply@blogger.com7