NT/AS Clue: If You Want Something Done Right Away

NT/AS Clue:  If you want something done right  away, just do it yourself!  If you want something done right, ask your aspie to do it.

One of my NT expectations that I have had to let go is wanting things done quickly by my aspie spouse.  Whether it be answering a question, taking out the garbage, or even chasing the toddler before he runs into the street, you must drop the expectation for the aspie to respond quickly.  He probably cannot do it.  In his mind, he may think he's responding quickly enough.  But it's likely that he is not.  So stop expecting him to respond quickly.  Definitely stop demanding that he respond quickly.  Make it your goal to be okay with the fact that this is something he simply cannot do.

If you want something done right away, just do it yourself.  Granted, this is difficult when you have the flu and you've asked for a drink of water.  You may need to hire some help or beg friends/family to come by if you're really ill or recovering from surgery.  But if your very first instinct when you want something done immediately or even quickly can become to do it yourself, you will be a much happier person in an NT/AS relationship.

Now, don't give up asking him to help altogether.  If you want something done right, in many cases (at least in my relationship), it's best to ask your aspie to do it.  He will devote much time (hours, days, possibly weeks) to performing the task with excellence.  He will pay attention to detail and the job will be done, often to perfection.  My husband will follow the pattern of the hardwoods when cleaning the floors, so corners I never hit will be cleaned well!  This kind of attention to detail and dedication to excellence takes time.  So don't ask for his help if you're not willing for it to take (sometimes a lot) of time.

Attraction to Aspergers

Looking around with my new understanding of Aspergers, I find I am surrounded by aspies.  I have had relationships with aspies in the past.  And currently I can detect Aspergers in the family tree (both sides, I now suspect), amongst some of my friends, and scattered throughout members of my church.  This "being surrounded" is not by accident, either.  I believe I am attracted to people with Asperger's Syndrome.

I admire people who have high intellect and value hard work and loyalty.  Discussions of theology are something I can enjoy for hours on end, even when I don't get many words in myself.  Humor that involves puns and plays-on-words makes me laugh out loud.

So there.  I'm admitting it to you, and most importantly, to myself.  I like aspies.  I really, really do.

Don't Lose Hope

The most discouraging (okay, devastating) thing when an NT woman first begins to understand Asperger's is that she begins to lose all hope.  Any hope she had for change in her partner disappears and so she loses all hope for positive change in the relationship. 

Biblical counsel says "Love always hopes.  You can't lose hope!"  But what the suffering spouse must understand and the counselor must point out in order to truly help their counselee, is that with autism in the mix, the spouse must change what she hopes for.  She cannot hope he will be a Neuro-typical ("normal") person.  She cannot hope her relationship will ever look like she always believed it would/should/could.  But there is most certainly hope, and this includes hope for better communication between them.

She absolutely can, with a lot of dedication and work, learn the language of Asperger's.  It won't ever be instinctual to her, because she is wired with a different first language.  But as she begins to learn and conversationally use this new language (which uses English words but applies totally different meanings to many of those words), she will be able to communicate with her aspie spouse in a way she never has before.  Finally speaking his native language, she can then (and likely only then) be able to help him learn hers (and thus he will come to learn more about her). 

There really, truly is hope for an NT/AS relationship.  And this hope includes being able to better communicate with one another.

"Love always hopes."  1 Corinthians 13

NT/AS Clue: "I Understand."

NT/AS Clue: 
Even though what is being said won't have the same meaning to each of us, that's okay.  The words the NT wants to hear are not taken literally by the NT.  If verbal expressions of empathy are memorized and applied by the aspie, it can bring peace in our communication with one another.

*NT to Aspie: 
When you say "I know that" (when I am sharing my thoughts/feelings with you), it makes me feel angry.  It would make me feel calm if you would say the words "I understand."

Optional further explanation:
"I know that" sounds combative and defensive to my brain and "I understand" sounds like caring and empathy to me.

*Disclaimer for this and all future shared clues:  These words will not be healing balms for all NT/AS people.  But it sure works for me!

Explaining NT Feelings: Conversational Algebra for Asperger's

To explain your feelings in a way your aspie can better understand, try using this algebraic equation:

When you          A           ,  it makes me feel ____B___.  It would make me feel ____X__ if you would ____Y_______.


REMEMBER:  "Y" must equal a practical, rational thing that can be done by an aspie.  It cannot be an abstract thing like "show me empathy, understanding" and the like.

An Aspie's Wife's Prayer

Sundays are the hardest day of the week for many spouses of aspies.  Some women complain of being "stuck" with their AS husband on the weekends.  I cry more on Sundays.  I hurt more on Sundays.  I face more conflict on Sundays.  And so I pray more on Sundays. 

And as it is The Lord's Day/the Christian Sabbath, I ought to be praying more anyway.  I believe I ought not to be thinking about myself at all, but on the things of God, by praying and reading his Word, the Bible. 
___________________________
An Aspie's Wife's Prayer

God, help me to accept what will never change about my Aspie.

Give me the strength to change my NT expectations for our relationship.

And grant me wisdom to understand the ways you have wired us so differently.
___________________________
These simple truths below, taken from the "First Catechism" for children, should be remembered when we become angry about Asperger's affecting our loved ones:
Who made you?  God.
What else did God make? God made all things.
Why did God make you and all things?  For his own glory.

God made me.  God made him.  God made Asperger's.  Why did God make me, him, and Asperger's?  For his own glory.

To God be the glory.
Amen.

A Fresh Start in an NT/AS Relationship

Ok.  So I've accepted how things really are.  I have a new understanding and a realization that there is much more to learn.  At this point all the growth, effort, and responsibility is completely on me as he is not yet ready to acknowledge anything.

I've read how important it is to "plant seeds" for an aspie when it comes to major issues that you want to discuss.  This means that you make a brief comment about the issue, so he will have time to let it take root for a while.  Then you can come back and water it a little at a time--sometimes over the course of a very long time.  And this requires much patience.

So I've told my spouse that we need to make a time to discuss the communication patterns in our relationship.  When he's had time to digest that bit of information, we will actually get together and talk about it.

One step at a time.  This can't be a huge, long, detailed monologue about my emotions and unmet needs.  I need to be concise about a single issue at a time. 
More details will follow in a future post.  I intend to discuss these "nuts and bolts" of navigating the communication battles under the category Specific Scenarios.  I glean the most help from the practical applications and shared experiences I learn about from others.  They make all the diagnostic criteria come alive and make me truly understand how Aspergers affects me.  I hope these posts can help someone else out there.  Know that you are not alone!