It's like water torture.
Yep, we hit a bad spell again. Where I feel like the beat up sick guy in the ditch and he's the guy who walks right past without offering to help. He was most certainly NOT the good Samaritan this weekend.
What did he do wrong?
It's what he doesn't do that hurts. That grieves. That kills.
Head held under water...feeling like you're gonna drown. Uh huh, the pressure is awful and you think you're gonna die. Then head up for air. GULP in that air. Breathe it in hard and deep cuz you'll be put back under again.
When? You never know. Just be prepared at all times.
Breathing deeply today. Filling up my lungs, my heart, my soul.
I hate water torture.
God, help me to suffer well. Help me to run this race and hear "well done" at the end.
"To live is Christ. To die is gain."
Amen.
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Really it's got to be the absence of empathy from them that's the hardest to bear. It can make you crazy - while ripping your heart out at the same time - I know it only too well. You shouldn't have to point out and translate every feeling for them but you do. In fact, I only too often find myself emotionally disengaged simply because being surrounded by people who can't make heads or tails of your emotions - or theirs is just exhausting. Just keep breathing and join me in putting on your scuba gear because it's going to be a very long swim for us.
ReplyDeleteThis weekend was ok for us, but every monday morning I breathe a sigh of relief the weekend is over and he is back to work. Even the unpredictability of him being nice/making an effort throws me - why now? And are you just after something? Because this is not normal service and I don't know how long it will last and what will trigger the hurt again.
ReplyDeleteI can completely. absolutely. relate.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is on the spectrum.. (sigh) and well.. nothing says it better than
"I totally understand."
-Gulping and gasping for air and faith-
Black Sheep
it is painful I can relate...-the omission of sympathy, lack of awareness of others is difficult and the "brutal"honesty and use of vocabulary of his limits with sort of tunnel vision that it doesn't affect the rest of the family is so hard...
ReplyDeleteI struggle to have sympathy for my husband the way I should of his overstimulus, his pain, how hard life is and how a lone he is...
knowing whether I keep just pursuing the better communication because he wanted to help but had no clue...
well, it is draining.
And if I am having a hard day or time, well-I might just need to forgive myself that I might not be able to handle the extra work of the communication needed to mend things and trust and have hope in the Lord to help when I have limits..
Does anyone else struggle with the most painful thing being that I am not sure if sharing and interacting with me really has any meaning to my husband at all and he is so detached even with his extremely high commitment to me-so with all the work this takes on me it doesn't in the end seem to have any significance in us being closer...and I grieve the sharing of my day, my struggles, my protection from him in an emotional way...
Am I just falling into self pity with this? There are so many good things my husband does, and so many negative things he doesn't do-why is this connection in this way the most important?
How do I keep alive this important relationship side of me so I have the strength to have healthy relationships with others to meet my needs and to keep my kids healthy? -and not go crazy that it seems taboo with my relationship with my husband? and not to detach myself from my husband too..
Yes, you are not alone. I struggle with this too - "the most painful thing being that I am not sure if sharing and interacting with me really has any meaning..." At the end of the day we just have to realize that they (Aspies) see relationships differently. Why? We come right back around to it - they cannot connect with us on a viceral, deep level emotionally. I assure you that you will burn yourself out if you think you can connect with him that way. If you try and force that connection then you will make yourself miserable and him too. Just value their loyalty, sense of placement and structure but don't EXPECT him to validate your heart or you will go crazy. It might be helpful to think of marriage in Aspie terms: personal connection, validation in an uncertain world, a predictability - a relationship script if you will and a sense of security in a complicated social structure. In my case, I simply have to be around others (NT's) who can connect emotionally and emphathetically with me because back home in the company of all Aspies, I will drain away to zero fast if I'm not careful. You are NOT falling into self-pity. You are actually just coming to terms with a really screwed up interpersonal situation and honestly it's not fair but if you want to stay married - and sane - then you are going to have to change your expectations and brace yourself for the long haul. And at the end of the day your relationship is going to be different and like it or not - it will not be a deeply passionate, filled with sparks kind of marriage. Trust me I know. David - Dad and Husband to an Aspie wife and three Aspie kids.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're having a difficult time. It's not fair.
ReplyDeleteFor me the air I need to breath comes from the connections I make with other people. Getting out of my house and just talking to people and being able to relate to them and feeling that there is an emotional response to me and my presence. I get more understanding from strangers.
ReplyDeleteIn all honesty, I am so independent in my day to day life that it is not my husbands connection to me that is the hardest struggle for me emotionally, it is his connection to others (family, friends, gatherings). My hubby and I have two major connections: God and being attracted physically. I have ALWAYS known supporting me emotionally was not happening. However, my family, friends, etc.............. they didn't/still don't understand. It is so hard because I am a "people pleaser" by nature and he has no interest in interacting with any of them except for a few that are of his same general scope of interest (church, fishing, career). My wedding day was really a "day of goodbye"---- to the relationships as they once were. My hubby was not going to be a part of their lives, but I knew God put us together, so I made my choice. Wed the aspie (didn't know he was an aspie at the time; I guess I basically did, just didn't know name for it then).
ReplyDelete*****
My advice to all you who want to connect w/ your spouse, but are left lacking......... I can only say from my personal standpoint, try and reprogram yourselves to act upon the notion that you married NOT upon the foundation of connecting emotionally, but on the other stuff (is it physical attraction, his/her love for God, structure???). Become independent. Do your own thing. Yes you are married, but take emotional interaction out of the equation. What is left??? Think about it.................... I know it is hard!
-Aspielover4christ
You have probably heard this exchange... "How much does that cost?", where the answer is... "If you have to ask, you can't afford it!". Well for us it's more like... "What's wrong, why are you acting "differently"?... If you need to ask I already know I'm own my own, again. And honestly hearing the question asked actually means it's a good day.
ReplyDeleteIf it is any comfort, I understand, as do several who comment here.
"Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ." 2 Tim 2:3
Thank you so much. That is exactly what i needed to hear. It gets so hard at times and I sometimes just want to lash out but I can't because he just won't truelly understand.
ReplyDeleteMy ex boyfriend has aspergers. I'm really considering getting back with him because I really miss him. So caring, handsome, kind, consistent, and reliable. But don't all girls need that emotional connection? Sure I have friends and family, but I don't want to feel alone 'in my own house' so to speak. Not to mention he has problems with anger management and control. I apologize if this is a difficult question, but would you recommend an NT/AS long term relationship?
ReplyDeleteI would definitely recommend that you move on and not re-engage in this relationship. You will only be setting yourself up for heartache.
DeleteAnonymous-
ReplyDeleteregarding recommending a NT/AS long term relationship-I have been married almost 20 years-it easy at all easy, it is painful but I prayed all the time dating my husband about whether I should marry him and always wanted to not continue dating and be willing to break up with him should God want me to-even though I didn't know my husband had Asp I looked at the strengths and whether that would make a good marriage....
I say go in with your eyes wide open-go if with full prayer-be very aware of both of your strength and weaknesses like any other situation, and if he doesn't seem to manage anger and other things well-consider that something to be dealt with. The bottom line, God has to be first and so if God keeps opening doors He will have it work out like any other marriage or relationship-go with how you are treated and how each are pulling in the relationship to make it work...