"For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn is a must-read for every female on the planet. "For Women Only" on Amazon
And for Christian wives of aspies, in particular, this eye-opener could be key to changing your marriage for the better. Without going into too much graphic detail, we women need to realize that physical intimacy for most men, is the way the male experiences emotional connection.
We may be known for behaving like this: Since my Asperger's husband is not connecting with me emotionally, there's no way I will connect with him physically (meaning intimately; forgive the prudish skirting around technical, literal terms. The reason is simply that I don't want the keywords I use to draw the wrong kind of traffic to this blog--been there done that, and it wasn't pretty cleaning up all the spam that resulted.).
If physical intimacy is the way he connects emotionally, our refusal to meet him in that way is making us just as bad, just as wrong, as he is for not meeting our needs emotionally. The difference is that the aspergers man cannot connect with you emotionally. But you, on the other hand, do have the power to connect with him, the (only) way he is able to connect.
But that's not fair! I know. Why should I be the one to give, when he isn't giving to me? I understand. Yet, know what? Something incredible happens when you change into a responsive, warm, inviting wife in this area. It may take some time for his walls to come down, if you have previously been harsh (as I was, from the time I first discovered he had aspergers), but when they do . . . there is connection. There really is!
True, he can never connect emotionally they way you desire him to. The death of that dream should be grieved. A time of mourning is likely necessary--going through all the stages of grief. When you come to the final stage of grief, acceptance, and then embrace connection with him the only way he knows how to experience connection, life gets better.
Because, then, even the aspergers male will feel a connection with you. And you will begin to sense that. Sensing that he, in his way, cherishes you, can change your mourning into joy. From the ashes can come beauty.
The author also wrote a book "For Men Only" to help men understand women better. If your aspie is willing to read it, it could be helpful. If your aspie is like mine, he will have no interest in trying to understand the inner lives of women, and it won't ever be read. What's new, right?
However, if you sincerely want things to be better, you really should read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. And then, with a new, better understanding, seek connection with him. You won't be sorry.
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People with Asperger's CAN develop emotional connections - they just may not express them in the same way as others.
ReplyDeletePlease be careful that you're not falling into the trap of YOU putting in all the effort, and he does nothing (or worse, he takes more and more from you). His response to your efforts may indicate his true intentions in the marriage. Please do NOT allow him to use his neurological differences as an excuse to use you and make you serve him in a non-Godly way. He has responsibilities in the marriage as well, and he must live up to them, even if it's hard for him.
Check out this video by Leslie Vernick: "The Difference Between a Difficult, Disappointing, & Destructive Marriage" (address below). She also has one called "When Trying Harder Becomes Destructive" that might help you to discern whether he's taking advantage of you and your beliefs. I hope that he is not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3IYGT8rM_0&feature=share&list=UUb80rbYCcnTUYMJGsla7NYQ&index=3
People with Asperger's can connect with others on an emotional level if they choose to. If physical intimacy was the only way that they could connect, there would be no platonic friendships with Aspies, and that's just simply untrue.
ReplyDeleteI think that it's really hard to apply any sort of NT self-help or psychology to people with Asperger's because their rules are different. And they're sometimes more different from one Aspie to another than one NT is to another NT.
Thank you both for these comments (and the video link)! I'm going to post that YouTube channel, so others can find it, too.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that there can be platonic relationships with people who have aspergers. It's AWESOME to hang out with an aspie, when there is a shared special interest in something. It's FUN to be with an aspie girl or guy, when you need a companion to go and DO something.
But, no aspie friend or relative of mine has ever displayed empathy or true emotional connection (truly knowing my heart and soul, anticipating my deepest needs). Been kind, yes. Connected emotionally--never.