Friday, March 23, 2012

When Your Aspie is Also a Fool

These years of blogging through my Asperger's Journey have been very, very helpful for me.  I understand some of my children, my spouse, and some other family members so much better now.  And I am so thankful to God for giving wisdom.  And thankful for all of you who commented and shared your insights and encouragement!

I do believe you can have a relationship with an aspie.  I do believe you can learn good ways to communicate with an aspie.  I do know it is very hard work.  I also know it can be extremely rewarding.

The Jan Silvious "Foolproofing Your Life" book really threw a wrench in things for me.  Because while I believe one can successfully communicate with an aspie, I do not believe one can communicate well with a fool.   And I believe I am dealing with an aspie . . . who is also a fool.

One who is consistently acting foolishly, at least.  And I believe God can change him.  And as far as the marriage goes, I'm not going anywhere . . . not physically anyway.  But my expectations for "Good Aspergers Relationship" are now erased and replaced with "Let a man meet a bear robbed of her cubs rather than a fool in his folly."  You see, I've been foolish myself for too long.  But I am emotionally distanced now.  I've moved from trying to hiding.  Communicating with the polite kindness one would show to a stranger.

And the crazy thing is . . . I am so much more content.  Peaceful.  More rested. 

I think my blog is now complete.  (Blog2Print dot com has a 15% off sale code simplysave15 and I plan to print a copy keepsake blog book and cease posting here.  Anyone is welcome to print any parts of this blog.  I have no copyright.)

I encourage you to keep learning about Asperger's Syndrome, and to keep loving your aspies.  They are not all fools.  (And God can make the foolish wise!)  I will always keep praying.


aspmom

17 comments:

  1. Dear Aspmom,

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I wish you a lot of strength, faith and inner peace.

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  2. I thank you too. And I will indeed miss your wisdom, encouragement and warmth. I'm hiding too but am so much happier now than when I was busy throwing myself against the rock wall of my wife's Aspiehood. I'm polite, kind and encouraging when I can be. But the Disney / Hallmark Channel movie is now over for me.

    I'm staying married because I know that this house of Autism would capsize without me. It's just a fact and one I have to live with. And it's an opportunity for me as well to demonstrate life lessons to these human persons in my care who need to learn to live in a world that they can't understand. Maybe that's my own calling.

    Anyway, be well and enjoy some rich and rewarding friendships with others while you go on walking the path of Aspie Wife, Aspie Mom.

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  3. Dear Aspmom,

    Please don't stop blogging. We need your wisdom, encouragement, humor, perseverance as you live with your aspie fool.

    I just ordered the Foolproofing book today and am hoping it does for me what it did for you. God is my Rock, but I am so grateful that part of His redemptive work in us is to have fellow pilgrims along the way. is there anyway you would allow us to contact you outside of blogging?

    I think the book you recommended "thriving despite a difficult marriage" has been most helpful is learning that in marriages like ours we always live with a certain amount of grief.

    Praying God will do a mighty work in your husband's life as He continues to sanctify you through your marriage.

    A Fellow Pilgrim on the road

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  4. Hey there,

    Is there a good facebook group for Christians who are in AS/NT relationships? If so, please let me know the names of any good groups and I will try to meet you over there! If not, maybe you'd be willing to set one up...one that is closed or secret for privacy?

    Thanks so very much for your kind words!!! :)

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  5. As others have already said, I too have appreciated reading of yor experiences. I have not commented here much but I am also in holding patern in my marriage, although I'm still hopeful that we can improve things a bit. I agree with aspmom that a (private) Facebook group for Aspie partners would be a good idea.

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  6. Thank you for your blog, it gave me hope when I couldn't find it anywhere else. I have missed you when you've been quiet on the blogging front. I have not yet read the foolproofing book, I don't think I'm ready yet. Would love to be in a private fb group though!

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  7. Ditto on Princess Morag. Everyday I check your blog for a word from you - some morsel to give me hope, to give me companionship on this lonely road, to give me perspective in this sometime seemingly insane life I live. My counselor directed me to your blog, and it is one of God's great blessings to me. I rarely commented, but I listened intently. There were many times where I would cry out "where are you aspmom? You need to talk to me - say something - anything"

    I do not facebook but I was thinking we could start a yahoo group. However, I would join facebook just to keep in touch, but I know nothing about starting a group on facebook.

    A Fellow Pilgrim on the Road

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  8. I'm happy to set up a facebook group if you friend request me with a comment so I know where you're from. search for Morag Renfro

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  9. Hello! I am 17, almost 18, and I am a girl with asperger's, in love with a neurotypical, and have been since I was very young. After reading your experiences with your NT/AS marriage, I am, truth be told, wondering if there is any hope at all. It sounds like so much work for a neurotypical and an Aspie to have a successful relationship; rather, it seems nigh impossible. I myself struggle daily with trying to connect to the world and understand others. My father and I struggle constantly with communication, and our relationship, regrettably, is incredibly strained. I can't stand the fact that I am making someone miserable, and I just don't know what to do to make it better. I don't know how to change myself to make him happier. He deserves it. I guess, I'm writing you to ask if there really is any way for an NT And an AS to have a relationship where neither party is made to suffer. As I've mentioned, I am in love with an NT and I want nothing more than to one day make him as happy as I can; but I am not sure if this is even a possibility, as I cannot even make my own father happy.

    Might you have any advice for me? I personally hope that you don't give up blogging, and I hope that there is some way for your relationship with your husband to be more than an arrangement. You've tried so hard to make it work, it's so sad that after all that it's seemed to come to an insurpassable brick wall... I sincerely hope your husband realizes what an incredible person he's married to. But you are right; only he can do that, and only on his own.

    I hope fervently that it is possible to overcome the social limitations of AS. I can't possibly continue to make my father and everyone else so miserable, and the man I love... I can't do that to him either. I apologize for rambling on... I guess, I'm really just asking for any wisdom you may be willing to impart.

    Thank you.

    ~Gabriella

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    1. It's been several months but I'll comment anyway. Others had good things to say in response to you. I'll just say that I'm a 21 year old guy with Asperger's and I'm getting married in June. My fiancee (and her mother) are actually the ones who figured it out, after I'd struggled with severe depression for a whole year and other stuff all my life.

      But you seem to be one of the wise Aspies. The ones who know at least how to articulate themselves well in writing and try their best to compensate for their weaknesses with their strengths. Be honest and use your strengths, and it certainly can work. My fiancee is wonderful, determined to help me learn better how to interact socially, and she understands me better than anyone else ever has. Sure, it may be hard, but who ever said marriage is easy in the first place? Everybody's got their problems.

      "I can't stand the fact that I am making someone miserable, and I just don't know what to do to make it better. I don't know how to change myself to make him happier. He deserves it."

      ^This is me all over. Conflict is the worst thing ever, and it hurts so much when you know you're the cause of it and can't figure out how to change that. Just remember that it isn't all up to you how much effort other people put into understanding you. The best thing you can do is to be patient and kind and try to help them understand. If you haven't tried communicating through writing, that might help. I met my fiancee through a writer's forum online--I have always connected much better with people through writing, ever since I spent several years obsessing solely over writing and learned how to do it well (I graduated high school early.)

      I hope and pray you find a great relationship with a man who wants to understand you. We're in similar situations, but I think we both genuinely want to understand neurotypicals, and that will help us a lot.

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    2. Hi Gabriella....I'm not sure if you'll get this as it's months later, but I felt I needed to reply.
      I'm NT and am married to a man I'm positive is an Aspie. I would have to say he is very high functioning, but he has too many traits to ignore. I just wanted to let you know that a relationship CAN work. We have been married for 13 years now, have two children, and are still very much in love. He can be annoying at time (aren't we all though?), but he is, in his way, so sweet. He is amazingly loyal and has a wonderful sense of humour. And I respect the hell out of him for how he has managed to 'live' so well considering how hard EVERYTHING is for him.
      Aspie people who live in the world...as hard and as distant they may be...they deserve respect and I believe a certain amount of awe. Things we take for granted are nightmarish for them.
      As far as it all goes....my son has Aspergers, and I'd never, ever, walk away from him or stop loving him....so how could I do any differently to my husband. I vowed before God to stand with him and love him no matter how hard it got...and I can tell you know that I've been very ill over the years, and no matter how hard it was for him, he stood by me where I believe other men would have bailed.
      So...have hope...there will be someone out there who loves you for you, not matter you're "quirks"...we all have 'em, no matter our issues!
      God made you as you are and loves you as you are....some man will see what God see's....keep your chin up!

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  10. Hi! Thanks for visiting my blog and for commenting. I'm sorry to find you at your "sign off", but at least I can read your archives. I hope you'll keep in touch!

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  11. "Hello! I am 17, almost 18, and I am a girl with asperger's, in love with a neurotypical, and have been since I was very young. After reading your experiences with your NT/AS marriage, I am, truth be told, wondering if there is any hope at all."

    Please re-read this post on which you commented, especially this part: "Because while I believe one can successfully communicate with an aspie, I do not believe one can communicate well with a fool. And I believe I am dealing with an aspie . . . who is also a fool."

    Since you are an Aspie who is not also a fool, much of what aspmom says about her husband who is a fool would not apply to you! Even though her marriage is an NT/AS marriage, at the same time it also happens to be a nonfool/fool marriage. Many of the problems she describes come from it being nonfool/fool, not from it being NT/AS.

    If you someday have an AS/NT marriage or an AS/AS marriage, I hope very much that it also happens to be a nonfool/nonfool marriage. Best of luck! :)

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    1. My wife is an Aspie. We have been together for 23 years. Sometimes it is very hard, but it's been worth every minute.

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  12. I just wanted to thank you for all of the great posts. Your blog has been really helpful for me in dealing with my aspergers. I wanted to share with you a website, http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ep , that offers a lot of information about dealing with aspergers. I hope this will be helpful for your readers.

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  13. Yeah... me too. I too am at the same point... "But I am emotionally distanced now. I've moved from trying to hiding. Communicating with the polite kindness one would show to a stranger."... wishing the best for you in your struggle.

    To "I am 17, almost 18"... if you are still out there... yes there is hope. Be up-front with him... be honest with him. Do not sell yourself as anyone but yourself. Show him YOUR dreams... show him YOUR colors. But be careful not to make it all about YOU. Marriage is a series of compromises... from day one. When thinking of marriage it is more important than ever before to show him your true self. Let him love you for who you are. PLEASE DO NOT MEMIC others to MAKE him love you. If you "act" around him then he will love someone who you are not. There is no hiding in a marriage... you can hide for a long time (my wife did)... but he will learn who he's truly married to. If you get married make sure it YOU he loves... not some impersonation you have grown accustom to playing.

    Keep up your fight...

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  14. Wow, I can't believe I haven't found your blog before!! Have you heard of the book Bold Love, by Dan Allender? It was recommended to me by a counselor. It's a very long read, but one of the categories he uses IS fool. The author is a Christian, too. Thank you so much for sharing resources! Did you know that the Journal of Best Practices author ( David Finch) has a wife who just started support groups? You can join a group by going to Kristen Finch's public Facebook page...
    Blessings!

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