The book I am recommending (aka SCREAMING FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT YOU NEED TO PURCHASE RIGHT THIS MINUTE, available on the free downloadable amazon kindle app to your phone or computer!) below will certainly not be characteristic of all aspies. Some acknowledge their diagnosis and sincerely work hard on their relationships. But many do not. Which leaves many spouses in despair.
In the back of "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship Book" by Leslie Vernick she lists other helpful resources. One is called "Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively With the Impossible People in Your Life" by Jan Silvious. Here's a quote:
"The reason you remain in turmoil is that you are trying to relate to someone who has some wonderful qualities mixed with a perplexing set of destructive characteristics. In the beginning you may have admired this person, but soon you found yourself mired in the chaos that seems to characterize the relationship. One minute you hear your own laughter, and you hope against hope that all is well. The next minute you're on the defensive in response to some inane comment or emotional jab made at you by this one to whom you are trying to relate. If you protest, invariably the person denies he has said or done anything inappropriate. In a few twists of the facts, he tries to convince you that you're a bitter person or just 'oversensitive.' When you've been labeled with all other conceivable insults, there sometimes comes the appellation you hate more than any other: 'crazy.' It leaves you bleeding. What can you possibly do or say to counter that one? By the the time the encounter is over, you are kicking yourself for even mentioning that you have feelings."
And that, my friends, was found on page seven. The plot thickens and gets so much richer as you continue to read. Here I've been struggling, thinking the Bible just does not address the particular relational issues that come with Asperger's Syndrome. Thinking the average Christian counselor won't know how to deal with this unique scenario. Well, that simply ain't true. And this book shows you exactly where you need to turn in God's Word to glean the wisdom and answers you need right now.
Simply stunned at the moment,
aspmom
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Well, that statement pretty well sums it up for me doesn't it? Great timing too Aspmom, as I just blew up on my own blog with a piece I just wrote titled, "Killing the Optimist". Feeling so low right now darling. Went back to bed after I got them all out the door. It's 12:40 PM and I'm in my pajamas not ready for the special ed bus to pull up to the curb in a few hours. Thanks for always trying to encourage.
ReplyDeleteJust ordered the kindle sample. Thanks for the recommendation. Confessed to someone yesterday that I was in a difficult marriage - it was amazing to be supported, encouraged and prayed for. I hope you have someone in your life who is doing that for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you!! :)
ReplyDeleteI am an Aspie Husband (http://aspiesinc.blogspot.com/). That book isn't specifically about Asperger that I can tell. I can't imagine your experience. I'm in a healthy 20 year marriage to an extremely neurotypical woman. My dad instilled a deep sense of honor in me and a devotion to the veracity of God's Word. That is what has kept me constantly evaluating myself in light of God's Word and fighting to interpreting the bizarre typical world around me.
ReplyDeleteHow does your husband enjoy your blog?
Hello Adam, can I communicate with you about my aspie husband and how to love him and not go crazy.
Deletepegschr@yahoo.com
Adam, you are right. After reading this book I now see the V A S T difference in aspies who "evaluate themselves" and work on their relationships and those who won't. People who fit the description in this book are the ones who are completely unwilling to work on their relationships. For spouses in relationships like mine I believe the book will be very helpful.
ReplyDeleteThe book says people like me are not in a marriage "relationship" but are in a marriage "arrangement".
My husband knows that I blog, that I journal, that I want him/us to get counseling. He has zero interest in any of it. I believe he prefers an "arrangement" to a deep relationship.
I love reading your posts from time to time when they appear on my google reader. I think I've left comments here in the way past about how i love your blog. I am in the same situation you're in girlfriend. Preggo w/ baby #4 and just ordered this book you're recommending. I want to get some counseling to get my head straight on how to deal w/ Aspie Hubbs, but I just need to get up the nerve to call a counselor at the church, who hopefully has a clue what i am talking ahout b/c i am not willing to seek non christian counsel. anyways....thanks for the book suggestion.
ReplyDeleteTrying "to get my head straight on how to deal w/Aspie Hubbs" is exactly what has perplexed me for so long! How in the world to deal with this...how to understand it, how to name it, how to communicate, how to feel, how to hope....
ReplyDeleteAnd so I've called it ASD (which it is) and CAPD (which it also is) but there was more. There was an absolute stubborn refusal to seek out, understand, or do any work on this himself.... and that leaves me with what? This book calls that "a fool". I may not always agree that he totally fits the label "fool" but a man who refuses to work on his relationship with his wife is certainly acting very V E R Y FOOLISHLY. So where the book tells you how to deal with one so deeply immersed in foolishness (AKA, a "fool"), it is so helpful.
How do you deal with them? You don't. You just don't. You work on YOU. Period. You just live wisely, and you take care of yourself. And you GIVE UP ANY THOUGHT OF cajoling, rebuking, or reasoning with a fool. You accept that you have an arrangement, rather than a relationship. And you always show kindness, as if to a stranger.
And deep sigh of relief, the TRYING and TRYING and TRYING is over. And you live cheerfully and distantly with your "roommate."
And maybe one day he will stop acting so foolishly and will wise up to what he's lost and will work to get it back. But there is absolutely nothing you can do to bring that about. Only God can do that.
Foolish husbands can be won "WITHOUT A WORD" from their godly wives.
And it took me years to see this. Which means he ain't the only foolish one in this relationship.
;)
Aspmom - you're so right; an "arrangement" is just what it is. What's hard for me is how to act in public, though. What about when someone teases us about something romantic, etc. Am I supposed to giggle and pretend to flirt with my husband? It's just very awkward that society sees us as traditionally married, yet this relationship does not feel anything like marriage. I feel like I'm living a lie :(
ReplyDeleteSUE, I KNOW!!! A girlfriend volunteered to babysit so my husband and I could have a date and I told her I'd much rather go out to eat with HER. She looked at me like I was from another planet. :)
ReplyDeleteI think I am getting to the point where I don't pretend as much. I try to be respectful yet honest. A hard balance. I try to phrase things with praise . . . If someone alludes/asks about our marriage I sincerely say "He's the hardest working man I've ever known!" If asked about emotional stuff I have said "he doesn't talk much about emotional stuff, so I talk with my girlfriends about that kinda thing." It's truth without going into too much detail.
We are very much like compatible co-workers. And, really . . . that's a whole lot better than some marriages I see.
Right, that's where I'm at too ladies. True, my perspective is slightly different as I'm the husband of an Aspie - and our four little Aspielings but you pretty much nailed it. And Aspmom, I'm reading the book you recommended whilst I try and preserve what little is left of my sanity. :)
ReplyDeleteHave any of you read or heard anything about, "Loving the Tasmanian Devil - Reflections on Marriage and Asperger Syndrome" by Maureen McCarthy Bartlett? I ran across a review and was considering reading it too. Especially since my Aspie Tasmanian wife out of the blue threw a box of tissues at me while I was playing with my son (her toy) yesterday. Which I wouldn't whine about except that it hit me in the eye. Bloody hell don't I love being married to an Aspie right now.
ReplyDeleteI recently figured out that my daughter has Aspergers. From that information I began to see the mental illness that flowed through generations of my ex-husband's family. From early onset schzophrenia in Uncle Neil to Aspergers and Psychopathy in other family members. The mind blindness and denial creates a terrible lack of common sense among the family members. I knew that something was wrong from the time I met them, I just couldn't figure it out. My daughter just needs a trust fund and someone to manage it for her. She will cause grief to everyone who ever tries to get close to her.
ReplyDeleteThere is a great book by Patricia Evans called "Controlling People." I have not read it yet, but learned from some reviews that one tactic is to simply exclaim, "What??" when there is one of those accusatory statements that can draw you into defending yourself or feeling horrible. I have tried it, and, it has been helpful. It turns it back to the other. I have learned to say, "WHAT????" and "NONSENSE!!" Of course, the purpose is not to become abuser but to not interact with someone who is abusing/controlling.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree...yes, exactly what the Boundaries authors (Cloud & Townsend) say - no reasoning with a fool. The question that plagues me is, if he made vows to me that (I now know) are impossible for him to honor... do I stay in the marriage and keep fighting, when I seem to be the only one making changes and having grace? If you have any insight, I'd love to hear...
ReplyDeleteAm do disillusioned by reading that there is no hope. Have just grieved to the depth of my soul --believing in this man I love so much has been 24 years of wasted time, and 4 kids with tons of personal plain from having a dad that has nothing to give - And just bull headedly refuses to work on relationships. It's completely unpredictable when he will wig out, every weekend is hell. We had a 2 month break from the hell where he had insight and owned his crap... he had been diagnosed with sever sleep apnea (32 episodes per hour average) and was treated with amino acids... his depression and hate at me for never doing the right thing subsided greatly. He for two months owned his problems and was sorry for his behavior. Then for no particular reason went right back to past behaviors. He also had breaks when lots of physical activity.. like the year he rode his bike for 2 hours a day. Maybe because the rain came back as seasonal affect seems significant. But when he's in this black hole he has zero insight. He tells me he adores me and isn't interested in anyone else. He wants to have sex every day - but wants zero interaction with me. Weekends are hell.. sometimes he even has shameful blow up episodes in public which is why we go nowhere and have no one over.. never know when the behaviors will kick in - so make no plans. And when I set out to do something he makes it sound like he wants to do things with me and the kids.. then keeps us hostage by not being ready to get out of bed or isn’t done eating or isn’t done raking the leaves, etc.. and if I take the kids without him the kids are crying because they want daddy to come. I am so hurting and God is nudging me toward my dreams. To be continued….
ReplyDeleteContinued… God has plunked me into not one but two big bands to sing for... and I feel like I'm just ripped to pieces and God is making a dream beyond dreams come true in the middle of this hurricane. Sometimes I just lay in a huddle and that's my prayer. I have nothing to say at all because I can't think of what I've not prayed... just broken and hurting for the loss of believing in someone... in loosing hope that my kids should ever marry …I’ve completely given up on a happy childhood for them. My husband and I were best friend.. so close at the beginning. I have ADHD so I'm not perfect either and both of us from painful homes. But I've been in counseling, am taking the meds, own my messes and am trying really hard to do all I can to make life better for him and the kids. He on the other hand just wants to be able to "be accepted" and believes I just torment him with requests to do something about his problem. He told me today he doesn't want to be with me at all and so sleeps the whole weekend or works constantly as can't stand the things I say to him. He just wants me to enjoy his company, relax, small talk, make love, and leave him alone about the other issues. I cannot do this as the kids and I are forever in the mode of recovering from the last blow out.
ReplyDeleteI told him a story today. I told him “There once was a person…” who had a sever case of diarrhea. The diarrhea covered this person. I was all in their pants and dried on their legs, it was up their back.. .it dripped into their shoes and it squished between their toes. And that person could not understand what was wrong with the people in his life. Why couldn’t they just relax and have a good time with him. They were just annoyingly obsessed with constantly cleaning up after him... the pooh got everywhere… on every seat he sat on, all over the floor as it spilled out his shoes, it was so terrible to smell that it burned people’s eyes... and it's no wonder they are constantly cleaning up when they are around him and could not relax and have a good time. I asked him what should be done for this person with diarrhea.. he said "Why don't you just lead him by the hand into the bathroom and help him clean up there" and I told him... you are 6'3" and 230 lbs... I cannot get you into the car to go to the Dr. He told me after asking me to say "What I hear you say is...." that he heard me say that I think there is something really wrong with him that can't be ignored and that I love him and miss him and want him to deal with the problem because I love him. Then he went right back into his mode of “I just want to be left alone and be accepted or I'm leaving.” He asked me if he should leave and when I said yes he said he's not ready to do something about his problems and just wants to be left alone about them and wants off the phone.
That's my life right now.. begging God to bring sanity to my husband and how to survive inside this marriage without feeling like I'm being raped by someone that only wants to sleep with me but wants no other relationship with me. I feel so sad that he's choosing this. Any thoughts??
as a christian woman married to an aspie man, i can so relate - in my blog (http://laughinghelps2.blogspot.com) i try so hard to stay positive - but when my hubby does an about face & "forgets" the very vows he has made, it is so very disheartening...
ReplyDeleteI just found this and your post sure has blessed me. I have been married almost 14 years to a man who I am pretty sure is a Aspie. He son from a previous marriage is a high funtioning fully diagnosed Aspie.My husband has never wanted to deal with the fact that something could be wrong with him. Recently its gotten worse and he says he is thinking of leaving me. Yesterday tho we had a small break thru where he is FINALLY thinking he may need therapy of some sort. As a Christian woman who beleives God can work thru this and that I will stay commited its EXTRA hard. I dont share this with many amd the small few I did say "lrt him go,make yourself happier" etc etc. ANY support I can get is needed! I am just now trying to wrap my head around this all. God bless you all for sharing!
ReplyDelete