Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"They Have Such a Great Marriage!"

"A Great Marriage"

Yep, I said those very words about an NT/AS couple I know.  Years ago, I said that my goal in life was to have a marriage JUST LIKE that couple.

I've heard others use those words about an AS/AS couple I know.  I've heard others talk about my own (NT/AS) marriage the same way as well.  We have SUCH a "great" marriage.  That's how it looks from the outside.  That's what (almost) everyone who knows us thinks.

And it does look good.  And in a literal, practical, almost sterile way . . . it is good.  The perfect team.  Co-workers for a common goal.  Such a hardworking, like-minded, pleasant, and kind couple.  Beautiful kids.  Nice house.  Hospitable family.  Ideal life.  I'm realizing there are LOTS of families that look like ours.  Functioning smoothly and pleasantly.

But with some serious and intense scrutiny you may find that one of the couple is an NT and the other is an aspie.  And though their life is "beautiful" . . . the NT has a deep sadness and lacks emotional connection in their marriage.

Now here's the deal.  There is a lot of good.  Try not to forget the good.  Make a list of things you can be thankful for and reflect on that list periodically.  There IS some good in your life!

This blog is about one Christian woman's personal struggle as an NT who is married to a man with aspergers.  It delves deep into that struggle.  And it shares what makes things better and easier for this one woman.  It is shared with the hope of letting others know they are not alone on the journey. 

Most NT spouses of aspies bash, berate, and tell others to leave.  But my goal is to stay.  I try hard not to "bash" but I do share my pain.  It is difficult to love difficult people.  I don't pretend that it is easy to love aspies.  But I am trying to love them as best I can.  Because I believe difficult people should also be loved.

If this blog gives anyone even a tiny bit of help and hope, then the time and effort has not been wasted.  Occasionally I sign in, often after a long absence, seriously planning to hit the "Delete This Blog" button, but I see that a comment has just been posted saying how encouraged someone is to keep working and keep loving their aspie partner.  Sometimes it has served as the little boost an NT needed to not give up, and to not feel so alone.

So I'm still here.  And I hope you are encouraged.

You are most definitely NOT alone.

15 comments:

  1. Seriously, if you want to preserve this blog, you have my permission to print and copy it. You can even go to Blog2Print and make a book out of it.

    One day I may seriously hit the delete button.

    aspmom

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  2. You know, NTs are difficult to love sometimes, too. Just because sometimes we don't understand each other, or even when we disagree, well that doesn't mean you're not hleping us.

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  3. Hey there, if you read more of my posts you will see that I wholeheartedly admit that I am EQUALLY as difficult to love. I have just as many weaknesses and faults as anyone (aspie or NT). Much of this blog is about WORKING ON MYSELF in the midst of struggles and difficulties. Much of this is about acknowledging the difficulty and encouraging others onward to LOVE ANYWAY.

    I LOVE MY ASPIES. I want to love them better! I'm working through the hard stuff so I can do just that.

    Who else is doing this? What other NTs are blogging about LOVING aspies? I'd love to know.

    Thanks,
    aspmom

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  4. You have encouraged me so much. It makes a huge difference to know that you are struggling with the same issues at the same time. Even amongst my Christian friends I get the feeling they wonder why I am staying but I love my aspie man and I want to learn to love him better too.

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  5. http://theblueorchidoftexas.blogspot.com/2011/10/in-her-eyes.html

    A blog piece about one of my tribe of Aspies!

    David

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  6. Please don't give up. I'm a Christian NT woman, sort of seeing an aspie man, believing that what God want is for us to marry, and looking at all the difficulties and thinking "Help!". This helps.

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  7. Hey anonymous,

    If HE doesn't KNOW and admit to having autism . . . I hope you will not marry him. If he knows . . . it will be SOOOOO much less difficult.

    Hug!

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  8. don't you dare stop sharing. :-) Married 33 years to my AS honey. It was her uniqueness that drew me to he. I've described us as 2 misfits (I'm a recovering bipolar) that found each other early in life and have held on tight most of these years. I like how you describe it "co-workers for a common cause" Beyond this I enjoy, respect, and at times envy her unshakable perspective. I don't know how I would live without her now.....

    However you are so right about "the NT has a [] sadness and lacks emotional connection in their marriage". Reading about the experiences you share reassure me me that I'm not alone, or crazy.

    Thank yoy, please keep sharing.

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  9. Thanks for your kind comment, Joe. Wow, I LOVE your attitude. I have heard another NT say what drew him to his AS wife was how she would say whatever she thought (not caring what others may think) and how she would boldly stand up for injustice. :)

    I suspect having dealt with your own "brain issue" helps you have more humility and appreciation for her and hers. So many of us need that for our own aspies!

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  10. "I'm a Christian NT woman, sort of seeing an aspie man, believing that what God want is for us to marry, and looking at all the difficulties and thinking "Help!"."

    If looking at all the difficulties and thinking "help!" is how you feel about marrying this man, why do you think God wants you to marry him? Do you think God wants you to be unhappy instead of being in a happy marriage (or at least being happier single than in an unhappy marriage)?

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  11. I'm a woman with Asperger's, married to a man diagnosed as Bipolar and ADHD as a child (but quite possibly might be AS himself) and we have 5 children together, three are Aspies as well. I just found your blog and I look forward to reading more. I'm surprised at how much of what you write sounds familiar to me, even though it seems I'm on the opposite side of the coin. :) http://beyondautism.blogspot.com/

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  12. Recently discovered our son has Aspergers, and now that I've done the research, I'm pretty sure my husband does as well. It can be a very lonely marriage!!!! I found this blog today. Please keep writing. I related to so much of what you said, and though I research and study, learning how others deal with it (children and spouses) is so incredibly valuable. It gave me hope. Thank you!

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  13. Thank you for your post. I recently separated from my Aspie husband. He came back home yesterday after 4 months out of the house. I immediately felt lonely and disconnected, again. This post encouraged me because I was about to give up and decide to divorce. I want to love my Aspie husband.

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  14. Our son is an Aspie and my husband, after 14 years of a disconnected and lonely and overwhelming marriage, finally recognized and acknowledged he is an Aspie too. We "look" like a great, successful, & functioning family...but that is from an exhausting amount of what I consider "clearing the path ahead of him & sweeping up behind him" in nearly all social & relational situations. His lack of empathy is difficult for our young daughter, and so very painful for me. I love him and know he loves me and believe that we should continue together, but it is so tough. Thank you for blogging so I know I'm not the only one.

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  15. Thank you so much for sharing! I am currently dating a man with Asperger's so our journey has just begun. It is hard at times but I know we will get through it with God's help. I found your blog entries encouraging to know that I am not alone and that it one can have a successful relationship with someone who has Asperger's, so please keep writing!!!

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