You'd probably start throwing rotten fruit if someone told you that in marriage you get what you deserve. But I think it's worth considering.
You were attracted for a reason. You connected for a reason. The person was attracted to you for a reason. You, at one time, believed you had found your equal, the perfect partner for life.
Now that is a lot to consider.
If you really look back at your family of origin and extended family, or maybe even to marriages or people who had a powerful influence on you . . . I bet you'll see some autistic traits in those folks. It's probable that autism (even though undiagnosed) was a shaping factor in your development. You are drawn to what is familiar to you. Look hard. I bet you find something you weren't expecting.
Not only are you drawn to what is familiar to you, but you might even have some (however mild) aspergerish traits yourself. Think hard.
While dating, NTs of the opposite sex may have seemed too emotional, weak, changeable, or may not have seemed quite smart enough to you. Think about it. Were you either not attracted or even a little bit frightened by the devotion/attention NTs may have shown you prior to meeting your aspie spouse?
And then you met him and everything clicked. He fit the checklist. He didn't scare you away. Hmmmmm.......?
Now. You're married. For a reason. You fit with this particular guy. You fit with this particular, peculiar asperger guy. Okay?
Am I saying you got what you deserve? Well, I'm saying you got what you wanted from the first.
And you got what God designed especially for you, as part of His perfect plan, which includes how you were created yourself (both by nature and nurture in your growing up years). And as far as shaping those character issues in yourself that need the most work . . . are you seeing some stuff you didn't realize was there thanks to that aspie guy you married? Eh? So in God's plan, you got what you needed.
Deep breath. So much growth and positive steps can happen once all of this is contemplated and embraced.
Ouch.
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Good points. My wife and I often wonder if she originally had some aspie traits or if some of mine have rubbed off on her over the course of the relationship.
ReplyDeleteWish it wasn't quite so painful, but yes, been thinking about all of the above and it is true. It's pretty hard to discover Aspergers in my husband, son and then realise probably my mother too all in the same year though! OK, lots of deep breaths. Thank you for posting today, I really needed this right now.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your thoughts and words. This is the biggest struggle of my life, heart and mind and it happens every single day. Why I couldn't just have Autistic kids but not an Autistic wife too? At least the pets are not ASD as far as I can tell. Deep breaths. Whiskey. Putting off fleeing for a new life in the Keys one more day.
ReplyDeleteDavid, please consider what that would say to your ASD daughters. That "girls like THEM" are NOT worth loving, not worth being loyal to, not worth the trouble. They will be women very very soon. They may get married. What would you say to the CREEP who leaves them because they are so difficult to live with? STAY. Please determine to set an example of self-sacrifice and true manhood.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting.
aspmom
No you are right of course. And that is the main reason that I have stayed for 13 years and will stay until the Lord calls me home. Besides, I laugh at only a 340 percent divorce rate. Maybe 500 percent and I'd take notice. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. Every day for me is a challenge that would make most men run for their lives. And at the end of the days, in the quiet of the night I know that their lives will be all the richer because I gave mine away.
ReplyDeleteAmen, Blue Orchid.
ReplyDeleteAnd can you recommend a good whiskey?
;)
I agree with post-I am amazed that I could have penned it myself, especially the part stating the characteristics that drew me to my husband and away from others! I want to also throw out the idea of family symptoms of ADD since it is on the spectrum with aspergers-I recognize some ADD in myself, my family growing up-and in my kids I see both aspergers and ADD....
ReplyDelete