And my previous post leads me to ponder the criticism issue. It's not that I hear an abundance of criticism. Overall the problem is, of course, the communication deficit. Because of the extreme deficit in the area of my aspie spouse giving compliments or praise, it seems as if any verbal remarks made to or about me are usually a criticism.
In "How to Win Friends and Influence People", one learns to balance criticism by first offering compliments or sincere words of praise. In an NT/AS relationship, this probably isn't the way it's done.
The NT rarely hears praise or compliments from her aspergers relatives. She is probably not acknowledged with positive verbal remarks or personal knowledge or appreciation of her character, personality, or any aspects of her humanity, for that matter. So when she is then verbally criticized for something she thinks, did, or is . . . well, you can imagine the feelings this would invoke.
It's just a ranting day, I'm afraid. I might delete these rants in a minute, but sometimes it's helpful to simply share raw, honest emotions.
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I think it depends a little what your love language is as to how depleted your relationship is from lack of compliments/praise. For me, that doesn't bother me so much as not being listened to, or being able to have a proper conversation because my primary love language is quality time, but my secondary language is physical touch so hugs etc make up for a lot that is otherwise lacking. And my husband says 'I love you' a lot but sometimes it drives me crazy because he says it just because it is literally all he knows to say in a gap in conversation and that is frustrating but I'm trying to remember that it is always true - he does love me, he just can't always demonstrate it the way I would like.
ReplyDeleteNo advice, just a cyber-hug. Trust me, I know how you feel. It's sad to me that almost every word from my spouse (to me or to the kids) is a criticism or a command of how we should be doing things differently. It can be on a big issue, or something as small as how we step into the house. And it's never-ending.
ReplyDeleteWhat if your love language is quality conversation?? Have not figured that one yet? Any suggestions, since I have lost any feelings of love and I am stuggling to love with " an act of my will."
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