While I only felt relief that we had likely discovered the root of our daughter's problems, the more I read about Asperger's, the more convinced I became that my husband is an aspie, too. Several (though not all) of the symptoms describe him perfectly. So much of what I read explained the cause of each of the major difficulties I have faced in our marriage over the past decade. There have actually only been a few difficult areas, but they run deep and come up over and over again. I've heard that many couples have the same One Big Fight manifested in different forms. Now I believe ours may all be classified under "AS"! I have a wonderful, loving, kind, and hardworking husband. AS or no AS, I would marry him again a thousand times over and would never want to be married to anyone else. I love him with all that I am and thank God for bringing us together.
But relief over the diagnosis for my child turned to grief over the diagnosis for my spouse. The emotions are almost too complex to process. The more I read, the more things "click" and the harder it is to realize that the things that are hardest for me to handle may not ever, ever change because at it's root, maybe it is not a sinful behavior issue after all . . . it's a neurological disorder. Maybe he really, truly, honestly doesn't get it when he hurts my feelings by his lack of empathy, and he actually cannot understand my point of view. WOW! Talk about a lightbulb moment for me.
In the midst of processing the grief, there is comfort in knowing that when we come to understand what causes a certain behavior, we can then deal with it. I can study and approach the disorder knowledgeably and then dwell in a more understanding way with the hardships that come from it. I wouldn't trade the strengths of his characteristics of AS for anything. I love and admire his focus, determination, deep interest in topics such as religion and politics, organization skills, and how hardworking and successful he is in his career. There is much to be thankful for.
But in these first weeks of discovery of Asperger's in my family, the hardest part has been how alone I feel. My husband jokingly admitted at first that he had some of the symptoms, but the more I read and pointed out, the more he withdrew. He is not admitting that he has AS, he is not researching it yet, and is obviously uncomfortable at this point discussing it with me. So who can I talk to?
I have searched forums and found it common for NT (neuro-typical or "normal") spouses of Aspies to bash their AS husbands. It is unhelpful and discouraging for me to read such discussions. Yes, if your husband has AS, you will suffer to some degree from the hardships it causes in a marriage. And physical abuse certainly warrants immediate separation. But where are the Christian wives who love their non-abusive AS husbands and want to help them? Where are the ladies who can empathize with my emotions while also urging me on to deeper understanding and respect for my husband?
That's why I'm starting this blog. I certainly don't have the answers. I don't even know all the questions to ask at this point. But it will be a journey of faith, of love, of trial, of growth. I'm blogging to share that journey with other Christian women who find themselves going down this path. I'm there right now, and I want to remember the struggle so I might be able to help someone else down the road. If you can encourage me in your comments, please do. Please share sites, articles, or anything that will help me, and help me . . . to help them.