Well, I'm right back where I was several years ago, when my Aspergers journey first started. It feels like that, anyway.
While my aspie husband and I were in marriage counseling, the marriage was at least getting his attention, and acceptable ways of communicating were occasionally on his mind. Counseling for us stopped, and the marriage is back to horrible, and communication is ungodly.
I just found a blog post I wrote in 2011 and am re-posting in case anyone else is going through the same hell I am. I desperately need to be able to hope again. Do you?
Just when everything has been fine and dandy for a while, a "What the . . . huh?!" moment comes along and knocks you on your rear.
Cuz you did it again. Your feelings were hurt and you thought he would care that your feelings were hurt. Ya Big Dummy. How could you forget like that? He doesn't give a rat's be-hind about your feelings. You know that. C'mon. You've been told a gazillion times. When will you ever learn?
But seriously. It hurts like the dickens, doesn't it? "What the . . . huh?!" moments are all too frequent in an NT/AS relationship. And they recur. No matter how long it's been since the last time it happened, it comes back. And it hurts. It's the nature of the beast. It's self-centered. "It's all about him/her (the aspie)." It's never about your feelings. Your feelings simply do not matter. All that matters is your smiling, unemotional acceptance of everything life throws your way.
And you forgot again. You made an attempt to explain why you felt the way you did. You attempted to share a piece of your heart with him. But it's just not about you, ya know. It's only about him! He doesn't listen or try to understand the feelings-talk. He gets defensive and feels attacked. "So it's all my fault?!" is his response to everything you say. "Damn, you big jerk!" you want to scream back at him. "Would you just hear that I am in pain and act, even just act, like you care?"
But I'm not being fair. The rational, logical part of me knows that. This pain, at its root, is caused by his autism. He does care about me. If I have a broken leg, he comprehends that and will even perform acts of kindness that show he cares. His brain just doesn't comprehend empathy for my feelings. He doesn't "get it." And he can't. And I shouldn't expect him to.
The best analogy I have ever read was on a forum post by cmasp on leprosy. Leprosy prevents a person from feeling pain. And so a leper can put their hand into boiling water and not take it out, thus resulting in serious injury. You can explain PAIN to a leper, but they cannot know what it feels like. They can be taught to take a hurting person pain medicine, but they don't truly understand. And the aspie can be taught ways to respond to you, but he isn't going to understand--deeply understand--what you are expecting from him in the realm of empathy.
And so the cycle continues. I expect the impossible. I get hurt. I try to share my hurt and he gets defensive. Will it never end? I despair.
But love always hopes. And God "opens the eyes of the blind." I believe that. Maybe, just maybe, I need to quit seeing him as the only one who is blind in this relationship. Maybe I should hope that God would open my eyes to the wonder of His creating us male and female, autistic and neurotypical. Maybe I should start hoping that I will rejoice more in these trials that bear the good fruit of making me less selfish, more patient, more tolerant, and more kind.
Maybe if I change what I hope for I'll have less "What the . . . huh?!" moments in this NT/AS relationship.
Maybe?
Let's hope!
Showing posts with label Theology Matters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Theology Matters. Show all posts
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Christian Wife of an Aspergers Husband
If you are the Christian wife of an Asperger’s husband, you have found the right blog.
All of the helpful books and techniques I have learned throughout my own painful journey can be found here.
May God be with you and bless you.
Sincerely,
aspmom
All of the helpful books and techniques I have learned throughout my own painful journey can be found here.
May God be with you and bless you.
Sincerely,
aspmom
Sunday, December 2, 2012
NT/AS Relationships Require Superhuman Strength
Living with and communication with someone who has Asperger's Syndrome requires superhuman strength.
You must give up expectations for
1. empathy
2. understanding
3. your well-being, thoughts, and desires to be be taken into consideration.
You must have the ability to be independent and to
1. take care of yourself (health, and rest)
2. seek happiness apart from them
You must find ways to
1. seek joy and relax
2. find beauty in life
3. make yourself look beautiful
4. cultivate friendships
5. have emotional support apart from them (counseling may be necessary)
It requires carefully balancing respectfully not caring what they think of you. Because you will receive little to no appreciation or approval no matter how hard you try. So STOP trying!
Christians must live for the approval of God alone. Must learn to forgive as God, through Christ, forgives you. Replace pride with humility, realizing you are a sinner, too, and no better (in God's eyes) than they are.
You must let go of:
1. Guilt - when you are unable to think, act, or work as if you are a robot.
2. Hope - that the person will change. They are disabled, which is a normal part of a fallen world.
3. Desire - for things to be different.
The only thing that can change or be different is you and your response to them. And that requires the Holy Spirit's gifts of self-control and faithfulness. Super-human strength. Impossible. Yet possible through Christ, and through Him alone.
You must give up expectations for
1. empathy
2. understanding
3. your well-being, thoughts, and desires to be be taken into consideration.
You must have the ability to be independent and to
1. take care of yourself (health, and rest)
2. seek happiness apart from them
You must find ways to
1. seek joy and relax
2. find beauty in life
3. make yourself look beautiful
4. cultivate friendships
5. have emotional support apart from them (counseling may be necessary)
It requires carefully balancing respectfully not caring what they think of you. Because you will receive little to no appreciation or approval no matter how hard you try. So STOP trying!
Christians must live for the approval of God alone. Must learn to forgive as God, through Christ, forgives you. Replace pride with humility, realizing you are a sinner, too, and no better (in God's eyes) than they are.
You must let go of:
1. Guilt - when you are unable to think, act, or work as if you are a robot.
2. Hope - that the person will change. They are disabled, which is a normal part of a fallen world.
3. Desire - for things to be different.
The only thing that can change or be different is you and your response to them. And that requires the Holy Spirit's gifts of self-control and faithfulness. Super-human strength. Impossible. Yet possible through Christ, and through Him alone.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Are You a Christian Whose Spouse Has Aspergers Syndrome?
The book I am recommending (aka SCREAMING FROM THE ROOFTOPS THAT YOU NEED TO PURCHASE RIGHT THIS MINUTE, available on the free downloadable amazon kindle app to your phone or computer!) below will certainly not be characteristic of all aspies. Some acknowledge their diagnosis and sincerely work hard on their relationships. But many do not. Which leaves many spouses in despair.
In the back of "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship Book" by Leslie Vernick she lists other helpful resources. One is called "Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively With the Impossible People in Your Life" by Jan Silvious. Here's a quote:
"The reason you remain in turmoil is that you are trying to relate to someone who has some wonderful qualities mixed with a perplexing set of destructive characteristics. In the beginning you may have admired this person, but soon you found yourself mired in the chaos that seems to characterize the relationship. One minute you hear your own laughter, and you hope against hope that all is well. The next minute you're on the defensive in response to some inane comment or emotional jab made at you by this one to whom you are trying to relate. If you protest, invariably the person denies he has said or done anything inappropriate. In a few twists of the facts, he tries to convince you that you're a bitter person or just 'oversensitive.' When you've been labeled with all other conceivable insults, there sometimes comes the appellation you hate more than any other: 'crazy.' It leaves you bleeding. What can you possibly do or say to counter that one? By the the time the encounter is over, you are kicking yourself for even mentioning that you have feelings."
And that, my friends, was found on page seven. The plot thickens and gets so much richer as you continue to read. Here I've been struggling, thinking the Bible just does not address the particular relational issues that come with Asperger's Syndrome. Thinking the average Christian counselor won't know how to deal with this unique scenario. Well, that simply ain't true. And this book shows you exactly where you need to turn in God's Word to glean the wisdom and answers you need right now.
Simply stunned at the moment,
aspmom
In the back of "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship Book" by Leslie Vernick she lists other helpful resources. One is called "Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively With the Impossible People in Your Life" by Jan Silvious. Here's a quote:
"The reason you remain in turmoil is that you are trying to relate to someone who has some wonderful qualities mixed with a perplexing set of destructive characteristics. In the beginning you may have admired this person, but soon you found yourself mired in the chaos that seems to characterize the relationship. One minute you hear your own laughter, and you hope against hope that all is well. The next minute you're on the defensive in response to some inane comment or emotional jab made at you by this one to whom you are trying to relate. If you protest, invariably the person denies he has said or done anything inappropriate. In a few twists of the facts, he tries to convince you that you're a bitter person or just 'oversensitive.' When you've been labeled with all other conceivable insults, there sometimes comes the appellation you hate more than any other: 'crazy.' It leaves you bleeding. What can you possibly do or say to counter that one? By the the time the encounter is over, you are kicking yourself for even mentioning that you have feelings."
And that, my friends, was found on page seven. The plot thickens and gets so much richer as you continue to read. Here I've been struggling, thinking the Bible just does not address the particular relational issues that come with Asperger's Syndrome. Thinking the average Christian counselor won't know how to deal with this unique scenario. Well, that simply ain't true. And this book shows you exactly where you need to turn in God's Word to glean the wisdom and answers you need right now.
Simply stunned at the moment,
aspmom
Sunday, February 12, 2012
More Resources
Commenters have suggested "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship Book" by Leslie Vernick. Thank you all for the great recommendation! This very biblical resource should prove helpful to both men and women who are struggling with difficult relationships.
Monday, November 14, 2011
In Sickness and For Worse
If you are not a person of faith, this post does not apply to you. It is meant for Christians and may also apply to those who strongly believe they should keep vows and promises.
I am saddened by the breakup of two NT/AS marriages I've read about recently. These were aspies who were very self-aware. These aspies worked very hard to make their marriages work. And the NT left them. Now, I admit that if one is not a person of faith, I honestly don't know why the NT stayed as long as they did. If all one cares about is personal happiness in this life . . . "GET OUT NOW!" would be my advice in a heartbeat.
But I am a person of faith. I believe vows before God and promises to others should be kept. That doesn't mean it's easy to stay in an NT/AS marriage. In fact, it's beyond difficult. It's painful. It's gut-wrenching agony sometimes. Sometimes it just sucks. It really does!
And aspies are shooting themselves in the foot when they claim that autism is not a disability or a handicap. Their partners are leaving them left and right because if this is not a handicap/disability or at least recognized as a serious hardship on others, then the aspie is just a jerk or a bitch much of the time, okay? Aspie friends, if this is acknowledged as a brain abnormality, a disability, a handicap . . . you will get more compassion from your NT spouse!!
But of course, the aspie fights these terms. Because the aspie cannot and does not realize it will help SOMEONE ELSE'S perspective and thus someone else's actions towards them! They're not gonna get it! And their partners will leave them, left and right. Is that what you guys want? Okay, you got it. Enjoy life alone. Is that what you REALLY want?!?
As for the NT spouses who are keeping their vows in sickness and for worse: Think of this as sickness. You know it's "for worse" already. Think about your spouse as a handicapped person. Think of them as having been in a car accident, or having gone through brain cancer and then brain surgery. And they came out alive, but not quite themselves. Their brains are altered and damaged to some degree. This degree of damage causes much anguish for you, the caregiving spouse. But they need you, and you promised to be there for them.
It helps to think this way. What sucks is that you're the only one who knows that they are damaged. Others think they are fine. You are the compassionate, giving, stretched-thin, miserable and lonely caregiver and many times no one in the world knows what you suffer. Which compounds the loneliness a hundredfold.
But you are not alone. NT spouses all over the world know exactly how you feel. Support groups would be invaluable for us, but they are incredibly rare at this time. Ultimately though, you are not alone if you are a Christian. Your help comes from the Lord. And that should be, and can be . . . enough.
He gave you this. He brought you two together. He is allowing you to suffer. He wants you to need Him, to go to Him, to depend and rely on Him alone to meet your needs. He is waiting for you and promises to draw near to those who draw near to Him.
Something we NTs can learn from the aspie in this scenario is to do our work with an intrinsic motivation. We can learn from their example not to strive for man's approval and adulation and commendation. We shouldn't need others to pat our backs and tell us what a good job we are doing caregiving our disabled spouse. We should love and live and give our lives for others as unto the Lord, and not unto man.
We are learning these things because of the suffering we experience in our NT/AS marriages. We can become better people, better Christians, because of our troubles and toil in these marriages.
Change your thinking. Focus on these truths. Take heart.
And don't give up.
I am saddened by the breakup of two NT/AS marriages I've read about recently. These were aspies who were very self-aware. These aspies worked very hard to make their marriages work. And the NT left them. Now, I admit that if one is not a person of faith, I honestly don't know why the NT stayed as long as they did. If all one cares about is personal happiness in this life . . . "GET OUT NOW!" would be my advice in a heartbeat.
But I am a person of faith. I believe vows before God and promises to others should be kept. That doesn't mean it's easy to stay in an NT/AS marriage. In fact, it's beyond difficult. It's painful. It's gut-wrenching agony sometimes. Sometimes it just sucks. It really does!
And aspies are shooting themselves in the foot when they claim that autism is not a disability or a handicap. Their partners are leaving them left and right because if this is not a handicap/disability or at least recognized as a serious hardship on others, then the aspie is just a jerk or a bitch much of the time, okay? Aspie friends, if this is acknowledged as a brain abnormality, a disability, a handicap . . . you will get more compassion from your NT spouse!!
But of course, the aspie fights these terms. Because the aspie cannot and does not realize it will help SOMEONE ELSE'S perspective and thus someone else's actions towards them! They're not gonna get it! And their partners will leave them, left and right. Is that what you guys want? Okay, you got it. Enjoy life alone. Is that what you REALLY want?!?
As for the NT spouses who are keeping their vows in sickness and for worse: Think of this as sickness. You know it's "for worse" already. Think about your spouse as a handicapped person. Think of them as having been in a car accident, or having gone through brain cancer and then brain surgery. And they came out alive, but not quite themselves. Their brains are altered and damaged to some degree. This degree of damage causes much anguish for you, the caregiving spouse. But they need you, and you promised to be there for them.
It helps to think this way. What sucks is that you're the only one who knows that they are damaged. Others think they are fine. You are the compassionate, giving, stretched-thin, miserable and lonely caregiver and many times no one in the world knows what you suffer. Which compounds the loneliness a hundredfold.
But you are not alone. NT spouses all over the world know exactly how you feel. Support groups would be invaluable for us, but they are incredibly rare at this time. Ultimately though, you are not alone if you are a Christian. Your help comes from the Lord. And that should be, and can be . . . enough.
He gave you this. He brought you two together. He is allowing you to suffer. He wants you to need Him, to go to Him, to depend and rely on Him alone to meet your needs. He is waiting for you and promises to draw near to those who draw near to Him.
Something we NTs can learn from the aspie in this scenario is to do our work with an intrinsic motivation. We can learn from their example not to strive for man's approval and adulation and commendation. We shouldn't need others to pat our backs and tell us what a good job we are doing caregiving our disabled spouse. We should love and live and give our lives for others as unto the Lord, and not unto man.
We are learning these things because of the suffering we experience in our NT/AS marriages. We can become better people, better Christians, because of our troubles and toil in these marriages.
Change your thinking. Focus on these truths. Take heart.
And don't give up.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
A Warning Against Temptation
You know how you can exchange a quick look and smile over small talk with the UPS man, or the guy in the elevator, or a male friend you are chatting with and you are struck with what it feels like to emotionally connect? And I don't mean anything inappropriate here. But you realize in those glances how that most basic NT connection is absent from your NT/AS relationship.
Please carefully reflect and take those glances as a warning to put a hedge around yourself to protect you from temptation. I have heard that Bill y Gra ham made a point of never being alone with a woman other than his wife. Never alone behind a closed door or in a car. He never allowed for a scenario that could lead to adultery. He created strict rules to protect himself even from the slightest appearance of evil. Such a godly and wise man!
Aspie spouses are especially vulnerable to quickly develop an emotional attachment that is very inappropriate for a married person. You are so weak in this area that you could let those glances lead to deep sharing and voila . . . you are involved in an adulterous affair before you know what happened. It starts out as an emotional "affair." And that is also adulterous in nature.
All of this to say beware. Hedge yourself safely. Make what seem like crazy rules that will protect you in your vulnerability. Don't be alone (even in a crowd, really) with an NT guy. If thrown into that scenario, be sure not to share much, and get away as quickly as you can. You are way too lonely and weak to walk through that kind of fire and not get burned. Talk with a friend of the same gender! Pay a counselor if you have to. But don't glance too long or share much at all with any NT male. Only share your emotions, personal thoughts, etc. with a friend of the SAME GENDER. It's a RULE, okay? Make it a Law for yourself if you are married to an aspie.
You are the "weak woman who could be led astray by diverse temptations" as it says in Scripture. (Or, if you are the NT male, read through Proverbs for numerous warnings against adultery and adulterous women--you are an easy target for them, ya know!) Be careful.
Be very, very, very careful.
Please carefully reflect and take those glances as a warning to put a hedge around yourself to protect you from temptation. I have heard that Bill y Gra ham made a point of never being alone with a woman other than his wife. Never alone behind a closed door or in a car. He never allowed for a scenario that could lead to adultery. He created strict rules to protect himself even from the slightest appearance of evil. Such a godly and wise man!
Aspie spouses are especially vulnerable to quickly develop an emotional attachment that is very inappropriate for a married person. You are so weak in this area that you could let those glances lead to deep sharing and voila . . . you are involved in an adulterous affair before you know what happened. It starts out as an emotional "affair." And that is also adulterous in nature.
All of this to say beware. Hedge yourself safely. Make what seem like crazy rules that will protect you in your vulnerability. Don't be alone (even in a crowd, really) with an NT guy. If thrown into that scenario, be sure not to share much, and get away as quickly as you can. You are way too lonely and weak to walk through that kind of fire and not get burned. Talk with a friend of the same gender! Pay a counselor if you have to. But don't glance too long or share much at all with any NT male. Only share your emotions, personal thoughts, etc. with a friend of the SAME GENDER. It's a RULE, okay? Make it a Law for yourself if you are married to an aspie.
You are the "weak woman who could be led astray by diverse temptations" as it says in Scripture. (Or, if you are the NT male, read through Proverbs for numerous warnings against adultery and adulterous women--you are an easy target for them, ya know!) Be careful.
Be very, very, very careful.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Getting What You Deserve
You'd probably start throwing rotten fruit if someone told you that in marriage you get what you deserve. But I think it's worth considering.
You were attracted for a reason. You connected for a reason. The person was attracted to you for a reason. You, at one time, believed you had found your equal, the perfect partner for life.
Now that is a lot to consider.
If you really look back at your family of origin and extended family, or maybe even to marriages or people who had a powerful influence on you . . . I bet you'll see some autistic traits in those folks. It's probable that autism (even though undiagnosed) was a shaping factor in your development. You are drawn to what is familiar to you. Look hard. I bet you find something you weren't expecting.
Not only are you drawn to what is familiar to you, but you might even have some (however mild) aspergerish traits yourself. Think hard.
While dating, NTs of the opposite sex may have seemed too emotional, weak, changeable, or may not have seemed quite smart enough to you. Think about it. Were you either not attracted or even a little bit frightened by the devotion/attention NTs may have shown you prior to meeting your aspie spouse?
And then you met him and everything clicked. He fit the checklist. He didn't scare you away. Hmmmmm.......?
Now. You're married. For a reason. You fit with this particular guy. You fit with this particular, peculiar asperger guy. Okay?
Am I saying you got what you deserve? Well, I'm saying you got what you wanted from the first.
And you got what God designed especially for you, as part of His perfect plan, which includes how you were created yourself (both by nature and nurture in your growing up years). And as far as shaping those character issues in yourself that need the most work . . . are you seeing some stuff you didn't realize was there thanks to that aspie guy you married? Eh? So in God's plan, you got what you needed.
Deep breath. So much growth and positive steps can happen once all of this is contemplated and embraced.
Ouch.
You were attracted for a reason. You connected for a reason. The person was attracted to you for a reason. You, at one time, believed you had found your equal, the perfect partner for life.
Now that is a lot to consider.
If you really look back at your family of origin and extended family, or maybe even to marriages or people who had a powerful influence on you . . . I bet you'll see some autistic traits in those folks. It's probable that autism (even though undiagnosed) was a shaping factor in your development. You are drawn to what is familiar to you. Look hard. I bet you find something you weren't expecting.
Not only are you drawn to what is familiar to you, but you might even have some (however mild) aspergerish traits yourself. Think hard.
While dating, NTs of the opposite sex may have seemed too emotional, weak, changeable, or may not have seemed quite smart enough to you. Think about it. Were you either not attracted or even a little bit frightened by the devotion/attention NTs may have shown you prior to meeting your aspie spouse?
And then you met him and everything clicked. He fit the checklist. He didn't scare you away. Hmmmmm.......?
Now. You're married. For a reason. You fit with this particular guy. You fit with this particular, peculiar asperger guy. Okay?
Am I saying you got what you deserve? Well, I'm saying you got what you wanted from the first.
And you got what God designed especially for you, as part of His perfect plan, which includes how you were created yourself (both by nature and nurture in your growing up years). And as far as shaping those character issues in yourself that need the most work . . . are you seeing some stuff you didn't realize was there thanks to that aspie guy you married? Eh? So in God's plan, you got what you needed.
Deep breath. So much growth and positive steps can happen once all of this is contemplated and embraced.
Ouch.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
"What the . . . huh?!"
Just when everything has been fine and dandy for a while, a "What the . . . huh?!" moment comes along and knocks you on your rear.
Cuz you did it again. Your feelings were hurt and you thought he would care that your feelings were hurt. Ya Big Dummy. How could you forget like that? He doesn't give a rat's be-hind about your feelings. You know that. C'mon. You've been told a gazillion times. When will you ever learn?
But seriously. It hurts like the dickens, doesn't it? "What the . . . huh?!" moments are all too frequent in an NT/AS relationship. And they recur. No matter how long it's been since the last time it happened, it comes back. And it hurts. It's the nature of the beast. It's self-centered. "It's all about him/her (the aspie)." It's never about your feelings. Your feelings simply do not matter. All that matters is your smiling, unemotional acceptance of everything life throws your way.
And you forgot again. You made an attempt to explain why you felt the way you did. You attempted to share a piece of your heart with him. But it's just not about you, ya know. It's only about him! He doesn't listen or try to understand the feelings-talk. He gets defensive and feels attacked. "So it's all my fault?!" is his response to everything you say. "Damn, you big jerk!" you want to scream back at him. "Would you just hear that I am in pain and act, even just act, like you care?"
But I'm not being fair. The rational, logical part of me knows that. This pain, at its root, is caused by his autism. He does care about me. If I have a broken leg, he comprehends that and will even perform acts of kindness that show he cares. His brain just doesn't comprehend empathy for my feelings. He doesn't "get it." And he can't. And I shouldn't expect him to.
The best analogy I have ever read was on a forum post by cmasp on leprosy. Leprosy prevents a person from feeling pain. And so a leper can put their hand into boiling water and not take it out, thus resulting in serious injury. You can explain PAIN to a leper, but they cannot know what it feels like. They can be taught to take a hurting person pain medicine, but they don't truly understand. And the aspie can be taught ways to respond to you, but he isn't going to understand--deeply understand--what you are expecting from him in the realm of empathy.
And so the cycle continues. I expect the impossible. I get hurt. I try to share my hurt and he gets defensive. Will it never end? I despair.
But love always hopes. And God "opens the eyes of the blind." I believe that. Maybe, just maybe, I need to quit seeing him as the only one who is blind in this relationship. Maybe I should hope that God would open my eyes to the wonder of His creating us male and female, autistic and neurotypical. Maybe I should start hoping that I will rejoice more in these trials that bear the good fruit of making me less selfish, more patient, more tolerant, and more kind.
Maybe if I change what I hope for I'll have less "What the . . . huh?!" moments in this NT/AS relationship.
Maybe?
Let's hope!
Cuz you did it again. Your feelings were hurt and you thought he would care that your feelings were hurt. Ya Big Dummy. How could you forget like that? He doesn't give a rat's be-hind about your feelings. You know that. C'mon. You've been told a gazillion times. When will you ever learn?
But seriously. It hurts like the dickens, doesn't it? "What the . . . huh?!" moments are all too frequent in an NT/AS relationship. And they recur. No matter how long it's been since the last time it happened, it comes back. And it hurts. It's the nature of the beast. It's self-centered. "It's all about him/her (the aspie)." It's never about your feelings. Your feelings simply do not matter. All that matters is your smiling, unemotional acceptance of everything life throws your way.
And you forgot again. You made an attempt to explain why you felt the way you did. You attempted to share a piece of your heart with him. But it's just not about you, ya know. It's only about him! He doesn't listen or try to understand the feelings-talk. He gets defensive and feels attacked. "So it's all my fault?!" is his response to everything you say. "Damn, you big jerk!" you want to scream back at him. "Would you just hear that I am in pain and act, even just act, like you care?"
But I'm not being fair. The rational, logical part of me knows that. This pain, at its root, is caused by his autism. He does care about me. If I have a broken leg, he comprehends that and will even perform acts of kindness that show he cares. His brain just doesn't comprehend empathy for my feelings. He doesn't "get it." And he can't. And I shouldn't expect him to.
The best analogy I have ever read was on a forum post by cmasp on leprosy. Leprosy prevents a person from feeling pain. And so a leper can put their hand into boiling water and not take it out, thus resulting in serious injury. You can explain PAIN to a leper, but they cannot know what it feels like. They can be taught to take a hurting person pain medicine, but they don't truly understand. And the aspie can be taught ways to respond to you, but he isn't going to understand--deeply understand--what you are expecting from him in the realm of empathy.
And so the cycle continues. I expect the impossible. I get hurt. I try to share my hurt and he gets defensive. Will it never end? I despair.
But love always hopes. And God "opens the eyes of the blind." I believe that. Maybe, just maybe, I need to quit seeing him as the only one who is blind in this relationship. Maybe I should hope that God would open my eyes to the wonder of His creating us male and female, autistic and neurotypical. Maybe I should start hoping that I will rejoice more in these trials that bear the good fruit of making me less selfish, more patient, more tolerant, and more kind.
Maybe if I change what I hope for I'll have less "What the . . . huh?!" moments in this NT/AS relationship.
Maybe?
Let's hope!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Frankly, My Dear . . .
So a bit of clarification on "not giving a damn."
It's not okay to not give a damn about another human being as a human being. It's not okay to wish he would go skydiving without a parachute. That's not okay. Jesus says hate is the same as murder and murderers will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Hate is not consistent with Christianity and one who hates is deserving of hell. When you have hateful thoughts, quickly grab them, throw them to the ground, kill them, confess to God and thank God that through the blood of Christ you have forgiveness and can enter heaven, even though you are a wretched sinner and daily prove that to be the case.
I'll stop the sermonette now. :)
But it is okay and in fact, probably necessary for an aspie's spouse to not give a damn what her aspie spouse thinks of her. Because if she is needing his appreciation, admiration, adoration, consideration, she ain't gonna get it.
She must learn to absolutely totally not care at all what he is thinking, or as is more often the case, what he is NOT thinking, about her.
Love God, and live for His glory. Seek His pleasure and work unto His glory and honor. Your aspie spouse will benefit from your living for God. And so will you.
Need people less, love people more. Fight against the "fear of man." Stop "people-pleasing." Stop thinking or caring what anyone (even your spouse) is thinking or not thinking about you. Just stop.
When you are tempted to dwell on others' good opinion or thoughts of you, say to yourself "I just don't give a damn."
And then look upward in serving and loving God. And look outward so that you can see the needs around you and strive to love others more.
Those are the only things in life Christians should really give a damn about anyway.
It's not okay to not give a damn about another human being as a human being. It's not okay to wish he would go skydiving without a parachute. That's not okay. Jesus says hate is the same as murder and murderers will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Hate is not consistent with Christianity and one who hates is deserving of hell. When you have hateful thoughts, quickly grab them, throw them to the ground, kill them, confess to God and thank God that through the blood of Christ you have forgiveness and can enter heaven, even though you are a wretched sinner and daily prove that to be the case.
I'll stop the sermonette now. :)
But it is okay and in fact, probably necessary for an aspie's spouse to not give a damn what her aspie spouse thinks of her. Because if she is needing his appreciation, admiration, adoration, consideration, she ain't gonna get it.
She must learn to absolutely totally not care at all what he is thinking, or as is more often the case, what he is NOT thinking, about her.
Love God, and live for His glory. Seek His pleasure and work unto His glory and honor. Your aspie spouse will benefit from your living for God. And so will you.
Need people less, love people more. Fight against the "fear of man." Stop "people-pleasing." Stop thinking or caring what anyone (even your spouse) is thinking or not thinking about you. Just stop.
When you are tempted to dwell on others' good opinion or thoughts of you, say to yourself "I just don't give a damn."
And then look upward in serving and loving God. And look outward so that you can see the needs around you and strive to love others more.
Those are the only things in life Christians should really give a damn about anyway.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
On Becoming a "Saint"
Another quote from A.W. Tozer:
"We expect to enter the everlasting kingdom of our Father and to sit down around the table with sages, saints and martyrs; and through the grace of God, maybe we shall, maybe we shall.
But for the most of us it could prove at first an embarrassing experience. Ours might be the silence of the untried soldier in the presence of the battle-hardened heroes who have fought the fight and won the victory and who have scars to prove that they were present when the battle was joined.
The devil, things, and people being what they are, it is necessary for God to use the hammer, the file, and the furnace in his holy work of preparing a saint for true sainthood.
It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply."
"We expect to enter the everlasting kingdom of our Father and to sit down around the table with sages, saints and martyrs; and through the grace of God, maybe we shall, maybe we shall.
But for the most of us it could prove at first an embarrassing experience. Ours might be the silence of the untried soldier in the presence of the battle-hardened heroes who have fought the fight and won the victory and who have scars to prove that they were present when the battle was joined.
The devil, things, and people being what they are, it is necessary for God to use the hammer, the file, and the furnace in his holy work of preparing a saint for true sainthood.
It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply."
Pain and Suffering
For suffering Christians, the book "Be Still, My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose and Provision in Suffering; 25 Classic and Contemporary Readings on the Problem of Pain", edited by Nancy Guthrie, is a must to own.
Here's just a little taste of the wealth of encouragement (which ranges as far back as St. Augustine and moves to the present day writings of the likes of John Piper and Joni Eareckson Tada):
"Strange as it may sound, it is yet true that much of the suffering we are called upon to endure on the highway of holiness is an inward suffering for which scarcely an external cause can be found. For our journey is an inward journey, and our real foes are invisible to the eyes of men.
Attacks of darkness, of despondency, of acute self-depreciation may be endured without any change in our outward circumstances. Only the enemy and God and the hard-pressed Christian know what has taken place.
The inward suffering has been great and a mighty work of purification has been accomplished, but the heart knoweth its own sorrow and no one else can share it. God has cleansed his child in the only way he can, circumstances being what they are.
Thank God for the furnace."
A.W. Tozer (1897-1963)
Here's just a little taste of the wealth of encouragement (which ranges as far back as St. Augustine and moves to the present day writings of the likes of John Piper and Joni Eareckson Tada):
"Strange as it may sound, it is yet true that much of the suffering we are called upon to endure on the highway of holiness is an inward suffering for which scarcely an external cause can be found. For our journey is an inward journey, and our real foes are invisible to the eyes of men.
Attacks of darkness, of despondency, of acute self-depreciation may be endured without any change in our outward circumstances. Only the enemy and God and the hard-pressed Christian know what has taken place.
The inward suffering has been great and a mighty work of purification has been accomplished, but the heart knoweth its own sorrow and no one else can share it. God has cleansed his child in the only way he can, circumstances being what they are.
Thank God for the furnace."
A.W. Tozer (1897-1963)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The "Committed" Aspie's Wife
Word of warning to aspies who are reading this . . . . You may want to skip this post. It is an honest account of a neurotypical's struggle. It delves into a different perspective--one that is trying to understand and cope with NT/AS reality. I sincerely hope you do not take offense. Please realize we NT wives need some "hooks" to hang this new found knowledge on, and sometimes it sounds harsh. It can help us to be able to compartmentalize, organize, and see order in the midst of the confusing chaos.
Some wives of aspies are 100% committed to the relationship. Often, these are the wives with strong religious beliefs. But even though we are committed, we sometimes flail about in utter confusion as to what we are actually dealing with. We want to understand where we are, because we are NOT in the relationship we always thought we would have.
Times have been rough around here lately for various reasons. My commitment has begun to make me feel like one 'committed' to an institution. It has recently felt like I am in a prison of sorts. A white-collar prison, with many comforts and amenities. But a prison all the same.
And the aspie of the house is the prison guard. There is a sense of freedom when the guard is away. But when he is around, the inmates must show respect. You must expect nothing from him other than provision of basic needs. You must not expect understanding or friendship or compassion. He's the guard. You follow his rules, keep calm, and make sure all things are in order. Straighten up. Show respect. Yield to authority. It's prison after all.
But if you are a Christian, you are, like the apostle Paul, a prisoner of the Lord. You participate in His sufferings. For a reason. It's so much easier when you think about it in this light, isn't it?
On the surface, it certainly feels like life is horrible. It's easy to be full of self-pity. Woe is me. The majority tell you to break out, break away, and never look back.
But delving into the spiritual meaning in it all, your sufferings are not in vain. If you were imprisoned on the mission field, you would see purpose in your jail time. You would strive to show honor and love toward your enemies, and toward the prison guards. You would aim to be a witness for good in the midst of the trial.
So remember, if you are a Christian who is committed to the relationship, you are called to serve each day, even when it feels as if you are a prisoner, for the glory of God.
"Life isn't all about me" should be the Christian's motto to follow. And managing to stay in an NT/AS relationship is the perfect chance to work that motto out each and every day.
Some wives of aspies are 100% committed to the relationship. Often, these are the wives with strong religious beliefs. But even though we are committed, we sometimes flail about in utter confusion as to what we are actually dealing with. We want to understand where we are, because we are NOT in the relationship we always thought we would have.
Times have been rough around here lately for various reasons. My commitment has begun to make me feel like one 'committed' to an institution. It has recently felt like I am in a prison of sorts. A white-collar prison, with many comforts and amenities. But a prison all the same.
And the aspie of the house is the prison guard. There is a sense of freedom when the guard is away. But when he is around, the inmates must show respect. You must expect nothing from him other than provision of basic needs. You must not expect understanding or friendship or compassion. He's the guard. You follow his rules, keep calm, and make sure all things are in order. Straighten up. Show respect. Yield to authority. It's prison after all.
But if you are a Christian, you are, like the apostle Paul, a prisoner of the Lord. You participate in His sufferings. For a reason. It's so much easier when you think about it in this light, isn't it?
On the surface, it certainly feels like life is horrible. It's easy to be full of self-pity. Woe is me. The majority tell you to break out, break away, and never look back.
But delving into the spiritual meaning in it all, your sufferings are not in vain. If you were imprisoned on the mission field, you would see purpose in your jail time. You would strive to show honor and love toward your enemies, and toward the prison guards. You would aim to be a witness for good in the midst of the trial.
So remember, if you are a Christian who is committed to the relationship, you are called to serve each day, even when it feels as if you are a prisoner, for the glory of God.
"Life isn't all about me" should be the Christian's motto to follow. And managing to stay in an NT/AS relationship is the perfect chance to work that motto out each and every day.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sticky Note Reminders for the Christian NT Wife
When the hard times hit, and the INSANITY you feel in your NT/AS marriage begins to take over . . .
It helps to hear over and over, again and again, the little reminders that bring back some semblance of sane.
1. This is neurological wiring of the brain.
2. You must drop your "NT" expectations! The surest way to avoid disappointment is not to expect anything from others.
3. This is a very difficult trial to live with.
4. This lonely trial can and should draw you closer to Christ, depending on Him as your very closest friend.
5. This fiery trial is ordained by God for your good, to sanctify you (which is just a theological word for make you more like Christ).
And most importantly, remember to "above all, fervently love one another." 1 Peter 1:22
It helps to hear over and over, again and again, the little reminders that bring back some semblance of sane.
1. This is neurological wiring of the brain.
2. You must drop your "NT" expectations! The surest way to avoid disappointment is not to expect anything from others.
3. This is a very difficult trial to live with.
4. This lonely trial can and should draw you closer to Christ, depending on Him as your very closest friend.
5. This fiery trial is ordained by God for your good, to sanctify you (which is just a theological word for make you more like Christ).
And most importantly, remember to "above all, fervently love one another." 1 Peter 1:22
Friday, January 21, 2011
"A Rough Companion"
This quote from "The Loveliness of Christ" seemed quite applicable to me as a Christian aspergers wife:
"He cutteth off your love to the creature, that ye might learn that God only is the right owner of your love, sorrow, loss, sadness, death, or the worst things that are, except sin: but Christ knoweth well what to make of them, and can put his own in the crosses common, that we shall be obliged to affliction, and thank God, who learned us to make our acquaintance with such a rough companion, who can hale us to Christ."
"He cutteth off your love to the creature, that ye might learn that God only is the right owner of your love, sorrow, loss, sadness, death, or the worst things that are, except sin: but Christ knoweth well what to make of them, and can put his own in the crosses common, that we shall be obliged to affliction, and thank God, who learned us to make our acquaintance with such a rough companion, who can hale us to Christ."
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Throwing Stones at Aspies
"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7
NT wives complain, rant, and rave with numerous "aspie attacks" on internet forums. It is actually quite frightening to read what some women will say (to the world!) about their husbands. These women obviously don't recognize the sin in their own hearts. They (and we) are all hypocrites.
John Calvin in his commentary on John 8:7 says "by this word he only reproves hypocrites, who mildly flatter themselves and their vices, but are excessively severe, and even act the part of felons, in censuring others. No man shall be prevented by his own sins from correcting the sins of others, and even from punishing them, when it may be found necessary, provided that both in himself and in others he hate what ought to be condemned; and in addition to all this, every man ought to begin by interrogating his own conscience, and by acting both as witness and judge against himself, before he come to others. In this manner shall we, without hating men, make war with sins."
So without hating the aspie, and all the while hating the sin in our own hearts, one can ask "What are the particular sins common to Asperger's Syndrome?" One counseling lecture entitled "How To Counsel an Adult with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome" explored how the aspie is often very selfish. Not considering others' perspectives and feelings is certainly self-centered and selfish. The aspie may have no comprehension that he is being selfish and likely has no intention of being selfish. And this makes change seem impossible. But his not acknowledging his sin, especially once it is explained to him, is evidence of sinful pride. He is too proud to show humility by acknowledging (though others expressly point it out to him) that he is at fault. Is he to blame for this? No, not to blame (because he is wired this way), but he is still responsible. Because we are all required by God to be perfect, as Christ is perfect, even though it is impossible to ever reach perfection before Christ returns.
Huh? Exactly. It is a mystery, and I cannot explain it. Biblical counselors and theologians can help make it more clear than I can. But what little I can grasp is a comfort during the times I am scratching my head at the wonder of the autistic brain. It helps me to recognize what I can and do what I can to deal with the difficulties. In a nutshell . . . .
1. My aspie spouse is selfish and self-centered in not thinking of others or understanding their feelings and perspectives. The fact that he does not see this about himself exhibits a great deal of pride. He should accept this to be true, even without understanding it, and should work on doing all that he can to change his sinful behaviours.
2. My responses to him are, at their root, selfish, self-centered, and a result of pride (thinking I deserve better or that I am better). It is hypocritical to "throw stones" at him when I have the exact same weaknesses (which may simply be displayed differently).
And so daily we should forgive, pray, forbear, and love. Humbling ourselves and looking at our own hearts, we should strive to overcome our faults and grow through the trials of living with and loving difficult people. Because we are all, every one of us, difficult people to live with.
"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7
NT wives complain, rant, and rave with numerous "aspie attacks" on internet forums. It is actually quite frightening to read what some women will say (to the world!) about their husbands. These women obviously don't recognize the sin in their own hearts. They (and we) are all hypocrites.
John Calvin in his commentary on John 8:7 says "by this word he only reproves hypocrites, who mildly flatter themselves and their vices, but are excessively severe, and even act the part of felons, in censuring others. No man shall be prevented by his own sins from correcting the sins of others, and even from punishing them, when it may be found necessary, provided that both in himself and in others he hate what ought to be condemned; and in addition to all this, every man ought to begin by interrogating his own conscience, and by acting both as witness and judge against himself, before he come to others. In this manner shall we, without hating men, make war with sins."
So without hating the aspie, and all the while hating the sin in our own hearts, one can ask "What are the particular sins common to Asperger's Syndrome?" One counseling lecture entitled "How To Counsel an Adult with Autism and Asperger's Syndrome" explored how the aspie is often very selfish. Not considering others' perspectives and feelings is certainly self-centered and selfish. The aspie may have no comprehension that he is being selfish and likely has no intention of being selfish. And this makes change seem impossible. But his not acknowledging his sin, especially once it is explained to him, is evidence of sinful pride. He is too proud to show humility by acknowledging (though others expressly point it out to him) that he is at fault. Is he to blame for this? No, not to blame (because he is wired this way), but he is still responsible. Because we are all required by God to be perfect, as Christ is perfect, even though it is impossible to ever reach perfection before Christ returns.
Huh? Exactly. It is a mystery, and I cannot explain it. Biblical counselors and theologians can help make it more clear than I can. But what little I can grasp is a comfort during the times I am scratching my head at the wonder of the autistic brain. It helps me to recognize what I can and do what I can to deal with the difficulties. In a nutshell . . . .
1. My aspie spouse is selfish and self-centered in not thinking of others or understanding their feelings and perspectives. The fact that he does not see this about himself exhibits a great deal of pride. He should accept this to be true, even without understanding it, and should work on doing all that he can to change his sinful behaviours.
2. My responses to him are, at their root, selfish, self-centered, and a result of pride (thinking I deserve better or that I am better). It is hypocritical to "throw stones" at him when I have the exact same weaknesses (which may simply be displayed differently).
And so daily we should forgive, pray, forbear, and love. Humbling ourselves and looking at our own hearts, we should strive to overcome our faults and grow through the trials of living with and loving difficult people. Because we are all, every one of us, difficult people to live with.
"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” John 8:7
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Suffering Spouse and Sanctification
"Our pride must have winter weather to rot it." Samuel Rutherford, The Loveliness of Christ
Starting a new year in a constant state of suffering is quite sobering. Is this what the new year holds for me? Is this what the next decade (or even longer) will hold for me? Well, maybe. And maybe that's not tragic. Seriously.
Reflecting on suffering and happiness and the Christian life leads to a realization that the Christian should expect suffering in this life because the goal of this life is to be made more like Christ. It is to grow and change and become more like Him. The goal here is not happiness. Oftentimes when we are most 'happy' we are not really being challenged to change or grow--we tend to just coast along, forgetting to pray, forgetting to strive for holiness. But this is not our home. We are travelers and this human life is temporary--just a breath in the span of eternity.
C.S. Lewis, in "Letters to an American Lady" empathizes with and encourages a female correspondent throughout her daily trials of life. He constantly directs her thoughts to heaven, reminding her that we shouldn't be so focused on our personal happiness in this life. What particularly struck me in my reading of this little gem of a book, was Lewis reminding the lady of her choice between Crosses. The context was choosing to live alone in her old age, or living in an 'old folks home' with a bunch of cantankerous senior citizens. Both are hard. Lewis says:
"It is (no disguising it) only a choice between Crosses. The more one can accept that fact, the less one can think about happiness on earth, the less, I believe, one suffers. Or at any rate the suffering becomes more purgatorial and less infernal."
If you are a Christian and you desire to grow in faith, then you will (must?) suffer. And that then leads to very, very good things-namely, becoming more like Christ. It means becoming more kind, more patient, more loving, less selfish, less proud. During trials and times of suffering, keep in mind that for the Christian, life often involves a choice between Crosses.
I encourage you to reflect on 1 Peter 1-4. He deals much with suffering. It is challenging to me to start this new year with a deeper understanding of the purpose of trials in this life. I want to suffer well, as a Christian should. I want my suffering to have a good purpose. I want to honor God in my suffering.
"For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are *beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: who committed no sin, Nor was deceit found in His mouth; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness-by whose stripes you were healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." 1 Peter 2: 19-25
*beaten is referring to slaves during those times--no woman should stay in a physically abusive relationship! But think of this challenge--to suffer patiently (and remember that our suffering is much less that those in this context) without reviling our aspies when they hurt our feelings. Rather we should be loving them with much patience. Then we will be honoring God in our suffering.
Starting a new year in a constant state of suffering is quite sobering. Is this what the new year holds for me? Is this what the next decade (or even longer) will hold for me? Well, maybe. And maybe that's not tragic. Seriously.
Reflecting on suffering and happiness and the Christian life leads to a realization that the Christian should expect suffering in this life because the goal of this life is to be made more like Christ. It is to grow and change and become more like Him. The goal here is not happiness. Oftentimes when we are most 'happy' we are not really being challenged to change or grow--we tend to just coast along, forgetting to pray, forgetting to strive for holiness. But this is not our home. We are travelers and this human life is temporary--just a breath in the span of eternity.
C.S. Lewis, in "Letters to an American Lady" empathizes with and encourages a female correspondent throughout her daily trials of life. He constantly directs her thoughts to heaven, reminding her that we shouldn't be so focused on our personal happiness in this life. What particularly struck me in my reading of this little gem of a book, was Lewis reminding the lady of her choice between Crosses. The context was choosing to live alone in her old age, or living in an 'old folks home' with a bunch of cantankerous senior citizens. Both are hard. Lewis says:
"It is (no disguising it) only a choice between Crosses. The more one can accept that fact, the less one can think about happiness on earth, the less, I believe, one suffers. Or at any rate the suffering becomes more purgatorial and less infernal."
If you are a Christian and you desire to grow in faith, then you will (must?) suffer. And that then leads to very, very good things-namely, becoming more like Christ. It means becoming more kind, more patient, more loving, less selfish, less proud. During trials and times of suffering, keep in mind that for the Christian, life often involves a choice between Crosses.
I encourage you to reflect on 1 Peter 1-4. He deals much with suffering. It is challenging to me to start this new year with a deeper understanding of the purpose of trials in this life. I want to suffer well, as a Christian should. I want my suffering to have a good purpose. I want to honor God in my suffering.
"For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are *beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: who committed no sin, Nor was deceit found in His mouth; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness-by whose stripes you were healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." 1 Peter 2: 19-25
*beaten is referring to slaves during those times--no woman should stay in a physically abusive relationship! But think of this challenge--to suffer patiently (and remember that our suffering is much less that those in this context) without reviling our aspies when they hurt our feelings. Rather we should be loving them with much patience. Then we will be honoring God in our suffering.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Forbearing with An Aspie
Studying and practicing forgiveness is vitally important, but forbearing with an aspie spouse may be just as vital to practice and contemplate. I am currently wading through another commentary-like reference book by the biblical counselor Martha Peace, called Attitudes of a Transformed Heart.
The dictionary says forbearance is "patient endurance." Mrs. Peace says "A person who is forbearing puts up with the differences as well as mistakes of others and they biblically bear with the sins of others. One should think:
1. How can I help them?
2. I would do this quicker but I can forbear with their slowness and wait.
3. It's their choice to do something that way and it's okay if they do it that way.
She goes on to say that Jesus had to put up with more than we can ever imagine. We should work hard at having unity in our home. We should bear with one another and forgive. Do not judge motives. Be accepting of (non-sinful) differences.
Forbearance also means showing tolerance. "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:1-3
"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3: 12-13
This is a daily struggle and so very difficult. God, help us.
The dictionary says forbearance is "patient endurance." Mrs. Peace says "A person who is forbearing puts up with the differences as well as mistakes of others and they biblically bear with the sins of others. One should think:
1. How can I help them?
2. I would do this quicker but I can forbear with their slowness and wait.
3. It's their choice to do something that way and it's okay if they do it that way.
She goes on to say that Jesus had to put up with more than we can ever imagine. We should work hard at having unity in our home. We should bear with one another and forgive. Do not judge motives. Be accepting of (non-sinful) differences.
Forbearance also means showing tolerance. "I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:1-3
"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." Colossians 3: 12-13
This is a daily struggle and so very difficult. God, help us.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Theology and the Autistic Mind
Much has been written about how the brilliance and logic of the autistic mind often finds a home in engineering, computing, accounting, and music. But there is little published about the autistic mind when applied to the special interest of theology.
It does seem that many Christians with Asperger's Syndrome and High Functioning Autism are drawn to Reformed theology. Reformed theology is logical, rational, and seeks to interpret the Bible with an intellectual approach, explaining what the Bible teaches within an accurate historical context. So it makes sense that when an aspie's interest is theology and religion, he could become obsessed with a branch of theology that has a very logical, rational (and often literal within the context of each text) interpretation of the Scriptures.
But within Reformed theology there is an extreme branch to which many of the most philosophical, logical, and intellectual men are particularly drawn, called Biblical Theology. It is also referred to as the Redemptive-Historical method of interpretation. This group is highly criticized for not applying the Word to the people, or "for not drawing the text into a person's world." Its opponents say it is "too theological and too intellectual for Sunday morning." For the typical man or woman in the pew, a diet of such sermons is a starvation diet as practical application of the Bible to everyday life is ignored.
People with traits of Asperger's Syndrome often have a very different way of understanding human relationships. And in theology, there could be a distinct difference in how the aspie understands both a relationship to God and the Bible's application to one's life. An aspie may thrive under Redemptive Historical teaching as it reaches his intellect like no other theology can. Aspies generally have a gift for being intrinsically motivated when they comprehend a rule or truth, so a person with strong Asperger's traits may be able to make his own sort of application from such teaching. But the typical believer is unhappy when he is unable to clearly understand how what he sees and hears applies to his personal relationship with God, the text, and others. He wants and needs to be taught how the Bible applies to him.
All this to say . . . Neuro-typical women (particularly those who are married to men with autistic traits) should be aware of the potential dangers in Redemptive Historical teaching. You may already be struggling emotionally and feeling very lonely due to autism in your home. It is probable that such preaching, and likely the leadership in such a church, won't help you. Being a member of a church which strongly adheres to "Biblical Theology" may cause a woman in an Asperger's relationship to suffer even more. Find a church with solid doctrine that also includes practical application from the Bible. You need such teaching and guidance in order to grow spiritually. Take care. Make sure you are in a church that can truly nourish your soul!
It does seem that many Christians with Asperger's Syndrome and High Functioning Autism are drawn to Reformed theology. Reformed theology is logical, rational, and seeks to interpret the Bible with an intellectual approach, explaining what the Bible teaches within an accurate historical context. So it makes sense that when an aspie's interest is theology and religion, he could become obsessed with a branch of theology that has a very logical, rational (and often literal within the context of each text) interpretation of the Scriptures.
But within Reformed theology there is an extreme branch to which many of the most philosophical, logical, and intellectual men are particularly drawn, called Biblical Theology. It is also referred to as the Redemptive-Historical method of interpretation. This group is highly criticized for not applying the Word to the people, or "for not drawing the text into a person's world." Its opponents say it is "too theological and too intellectual for Sunday morning." For the typical man or woman in the pew, a diet of such sermons is a starvation diet as practical application of the Bible to everyday life is ignored.
People with traits of Asperger's Syndrome often have a very different way of understanding human relationships. And in theology, there could be a distinct difference in how the aspie understands both a relationship to God and the Bible's application to one's life. An aspie may thrive under Redemptive Historical teaching as it reaches his intellect like no other theology can. Aspies generally have a gift for being intrinsically motivated when they comprehend a rule or truth, so a person with strong Asperger's traits may be able to make his own sort of application from such teaching. But the typical believer is unhappy when he is unable to clearly understand how what he sees and hears applies to his personal relationship with God, the text, and others. He wants and needs to be taught how the Bible applies to him.
All this to say . . . Neuro-typical women (particularly those who are married to men with autistic traits) should be aware of the potential dangers in Redemptive Historical teaching. You may already be struggling emotionally and feeling very lonely due to autism in your home. It is probable that such preaching, and likely the leadership in such a church, won't help you. Being a member of a church which strongly adheres to "Biblical Theology" may cause a woman in an Asperger's relationship to suffer even more. Find a church with solid doctrine that also includes practical application from the Bible. You need such teaching and guidance in order to grow spiritually. Take care. Make sure you are in a church that can truly nourish your soul!
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