When Your Girlfriend Has Asperger's Syndrome

(By "girlfriend" I am simply referring to any aspie female friend.) 

I am the wife of a man with asperger's, but I am friends with many females who have strong aspie traits.  And the same lessons learned in an asperger marriage apply in relationships with aspie females.  You gotta be prepared for some things.  You must drop those expectations that they will act like your typical girlfriend!

1.  If you need a shoulder to cry on, the aspie female is not the one you should call.  She might get V E R Y uncomfortable seeing your tears.  And then you might get very hurt that she is just sitting there staring at you as you pour heart out.  If you need emotional support, be sure to call someone else who will be higher on the empathy scale.

2.  But the aspie female is likely VERY loyal and ready and willing to offer practical help to you, even when no one else will  . . . . if you clearly ask and spell out exactly what would be helpful.  She wants to help, but seriously doesn't have (forgive me, but it's true) the common sense to know what to jump in and do to help.

3.  She might not respond to your attempts to stay in touch.  She may have "always been there for you" when she lived down the street, but if one of you moves away, you may rarely hear from her.  It doesn't mean she doesn't deeply care about you.  But the idea of a friend or family member "being close" may be taken literally. (Example:  "you're close to people you see often because they live close to you.")  The idea of emotional closeness is not easily understood by the aspie.  And knowing what it takes to sustain a long distance relationship long term?  That may be a one-way, very determined effort on your part.

4.  Disagreements or conflict of any kind could rapidly destroy the relationship.  If you ever try to address something the aspie female does that is upsetting you, she will likely feel attacked and may get overly emotional.  "You don't like me/love me!  You hate me!  You don't appreciate or admire me anymore!"  She won't be able to see that she is not considering your feelings.  Trying to get her to see your perspective is really rather pointless.  You have to drop that attempt at resolution 'by talking it out' as you do with other NT women.  The bottom line is, the aspie female just wants you to be cheerful and kind and patiently forbear with anything and everything she does, even when you are annoyed as hell by her behavior/habit/etc.  How what she does/says affects you is entirely beside the point!  And this being so, few female aspies are able to sustain friendships with NT women.  It will take unrelenting effort on the part of the NT to make a relationship with an aspie female survive.

5.  But when it comes to shared hobbies, similar areas of interest, and like minded ideas . . . you can have the best, most interesting and fascinating companion to hang out with.  The devotion and focus toward the shared interest will make discussions and outings fun, fun, fun.  Do you both love running?  Bridge? Sewing? Movies? With any activity that centers around a shared special interest, you may find you always have an eager girlfriend to join you!  And that can be a really wonderful thing.

Maintaining a relationship with a female aspie will be a lot of work.  There are expectations that must be dropped.  Do not expect empathy and remember she is NOT the best shoulder to cry on.  But know you may have the strongest loyalty you have ever known.  And you will have a knowledgeable and focused companion during outings that revolve around a shared special interest. 

I love my aspie girl friends and enjoy their company very much!  Easy?  No.  Worth the effort?  Definitely, yes.

"What the . . . huh?!"

Just when everything has been fine and dandy for a while, a "What the . . . huh?!" moment comes along and knocks you on your rear.

Cuz you did it again.  Your feelings were hurt and you thought he would care that your feelings were hurt.  Ya Big Dummy.  How could you forget like that?  He doesn't give a rat's be-hind about your feelings.  You know that.  C'mon.  You've been told a gazillion times.  When will you ever learn?

But seriously.  It hurts like the dickens, doesn't it?  "What the . . . huh?!" moments are all too frequent in an NT/AS relationship.  And they recur.  No matter how long it's been since the last time it happened, it comes back.  And it hurts.  It's the nature of the beast.  It's self-centered.  "It's all about him/her (the aspie)."  It's never about your feelings.  Your feelings simply do not matter.  All that matters is your smiling, unemotional acceptance of everything life throws your way.

And you forgot again.  You made an attempt to explain why you felt the way you did.  You attempted to share a piece of your heart with him.  But it's just not about you, ya know.  It's only about him!  He doesn't listen or try to understand the feelings-talk.  He gets defensive and feels attacked.  "So it's all my fault?!" is his response to everything you say.  "Damn, you big jerk!" you want to scream back at him.  "Would you just hear that I am in pain and act, even just act, like you care?" 

But I'm not being fair. The rational, logical part of me knows that.  This pain, at its root, is caused by his autism.  He does care about me.  If I have a broken leg, he comprehends that and will even perform acts of kindness that show he cares.  His brain just doesn't comprehend empathy for my feelings.  He doesn't "get it."  And he can't.  And I shouldn't expect him to.

The best analogy I have ever read was on a forum post by cmasp on leprosy.  Leprosy prevents a person from feeling pain.  And so a leper can put their hand into boiling water and not take it out, thus resulting in serious injury.  You can explain PAIN to a leper, but they cannot know what it feels like.  They can be taught to take a hurting person pain medicine, but they don't truly understand.  And the aspie can be taught ways to respond to you, but he isn't going to understand--deeply understand--what you are expecting from him in the realm of empathy.

And so the cycle continues.  I expect the impossible.  I get hurt.  I try to share my hurt and he gets defensive.  Will it never end?  I despair.

But love always hopes.  And God "opens the eyes of the blind."  I believe that.  Maybe, just maybe, I need to quit seeing him as the only one who is blind in this relationship.  Maybe I should hope that God would open my eyes to the wonder of His creating us male and female, autistic and neurotypical.  Maybe I should start hoping that I will rejoice more in these trials that bear the good fruit of making me less selfish, more patient, more tolerant, and more kind.

Maybe if I change what I hope for I'll have less "What the . . . huh?!" moments in this NT/AS relationship.

Maybe?

Let's hope!

Still Here

Thanks for the comments I have been so remiss in posting!  I'm still here.  Physical ailments have hit hard lately.  It's been helpful to see my physical weakness right now as equal to my aspie's neurological weakness.  I simply cannot physically do much of the work I had been doing.  And he simply CANNOT be an emotional/spiritual support to me.  We each have serious limitations!  Recognizing that and accepting it and dropping those darned expectations for him to do and be otherwise is So Very Important.

Neither is better or worse than the other.  Each are flawed and weak in some way.  Each has a job to do and these roles can be a complement to each other.  And when these two weak and flawed humans work hard in their areas of respective strengths, they can make for one very productive team.

Doesn't mean it's easy or fun, but it's funny how being totally weak can help us see such strength in others.

Roses, Cacti, and now Daisies

Anyone else getting sick of the roses and cacti symbols that are so often used for NT/Aspie relationships?  Personally, I don't even like roses anymore.  They are beautiful when in bloom, but they wilt so quickly and so easily without tender care.  Too painful to contemplate the similarities.  So I'm done with roses.  If you noticed my new profile pic, I'm now particularly fond of daisies. 

Daisies are hearty little flowers that can take a lot of neglect and still stay pretty.  Then of course there's the symbolism of the "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" petal-picking game.  Quite fitting description for the emotional ups and downs in an NT/Aspie marriage, don't you think? 

Straight-lined petals (like their pattern?), often plain and white (and we must think in black and white so often!), but they can sometimes be found with cheerful splashes of color:

DAISY IDOMS:
"Fresh as a daisy" = full of energy and enthusiasm
"Pushing up the daisies" = to be dead 

Two extremes for one little flower. 

I like it.  :)
And it fits.

Quit, Professor Higgins

If you haven't seen the musical "My Fair Lady" with Audrey Hepburn and Rex Harrison, you really need to get it asap and sit down with your spouse and watch it together.  It is hysterical and relevant in a "let's see the humor in the EXTREME male brain" way, too.  The movie has always been one of my favorites, but I didn't connect Professor Higgins to Asperger's until recently when I read the comparison in the book "Loving Mr. Spock".

Time to re-watch it . . . this time thinking a bit more about Eliza's choice.  Would I have been happier if I had married "Freddy", the sweet, sentimental sap who sings love songs and brings her flowers every day but doesn't work hard or know how to earn a living?  Or do I really prefer the intelligent, successful, quirky, and  clueless Professor Higgins?  And why?  But don't think too hard on it.  It's silliness and fun, and a time to laugh, so go enjoy and find the humor in that classic example of the extreme male brain.

Here's a little clip from one of Professor Higgins' songs, "Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man?" 

What could've depressed her;
What could've possessed her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all.

Women are irrational, that's all there is to that!
There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They're nothing but exasperating, irritating,
vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic'ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can't a woman be like that?
Why does ev'ryone do what the others do?
Can't a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do ev'rything their mothers do?
Why don't they grow up- well, like their father instead?


LOL  :)  Enjoy!

Aspies Have Feelings, Too.

It's true.  Aspies have feelings, too, and their feelings can get hurt.  But because they don't know how to verbalize and express their feelings well (especially in times of stress), we NT wives may think our aspie spouses are made of stone.  And so we might treat them as if they are made of stone.  Anger, yelling, and long emotional monologues about unmet needs and deep unhappiness are all attacks to the aspie.  These attacks must stop.

We must realize there could be much tension, confusion, depression, or even despair going on internally for the aspie.  He may be thinking such things as "What did I do now?  Why is she upset about something so trivial?  Doesn't she know how hard I am trying?  Every attempt I make is unappreciated.  Nothing makes her happy.  She makes no sense!"  He feels attacked.  Anger and bitterness take root in his heart.  His first response becomes defensive.  He may withdraw, retreat, and put up a wall to protect himself. This is his necessary self-preservation as he sees no other alternative that will work.

Walls like this can take a long time to break down.  Diagnosis of Aspergers sometimes starts the process.  But if he is unwilling to learn anything about AS, it has to start with a "Cease Fire" on the part of the NT.

The NT must realize the hidden pain her aspie spouse feels.  She must learn to STOP her emotional outbursts.  She must learn not to communicate until and unless she can be calm and rational.  But the NT cannot all of a sudden develop super-human self-control over her emotions.  And so the aspie must agree to help her learn better self-control over her emotions.  This can be done if each partner agrees to use and adhere to a "trigger phrase" that serves as a code word for stopping all further communication on a topic until BOTH of them are calm.  Once they are both calm, the conversation can resume.

The time of "Cease Fire" will allow the aspie time to safely come out of hiding and eventually he should be ready and able to learn, with her help, a new pattern of communicating with his NT wife.  Be patient, but know there is hope.  You will begin to see your aspie soften toward you.  He will become less defensive as he feels more safe.  And this is real progress.  One step at a time.

Attraction to Aspergers

Looking around with my new understanding of Aspergers, I find I am surrounded by aspies.  I have had relationships with aspies in the past.  And currently I can detect Aspergers in the family tree (both sides, I now suspect), amongst some of my friends, and scattered throughout members of my church.  This "being surrounded" is not by accident, either.  I believe I am attracted to people with Asperger's Syndrome.

I admire people who have high intellect and value hard work and loyalty.  Discussions of theology are something I can enjoy for hours on end, even when I don't get many words in myself.  Humor that involves puns and plays-on-words makes me laugh out loud.

So there.  I'm admitting it to you, and most importantly, to myself.  I like aspies.  I really, really do.

Roses and Cacti: An NT/Asperger Relationship

"Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2000 Marguerite Long"

The author grants permission to copy this document provided it is for non-commercial purposes, is complete, unaltered and retains this copyright message.


I see people with Asperger's Syndrome (aspies) as cacti, which are soft and vulnerable inside - but very soon in life they develop very cruel prickles to protect themselves from painful contacts with neurotypicals (NTs). Aspies belong in the desert. They are happy there. Occasionally they bloom - and it is so wonderful they light up the whole desert - but it is short-lived. Being natives of the desert they have the ability to withstand long periods of drought. When water is available they absorb it quickly and store it in their fleshy stems for times of need.



Cacti have a right to be cacti, and to live in the desert, and to have prickles.


I see neurotypicals as roses. The roots of roses must not be allowed to dry out. They need to be in a rose garden where they can constantly connect with other roses and be watered, fed and mulched. They need to be protected from the fierce heat of the desert and from shredding desert sandstorms. Most roses do not survive in the desert. The ones that do mostly become stunted, lose their flowers, develop larger ugly thorns, move into denial and often need medication. Medicated roses no longer see the harshness of the desert.


When the rose begins to wilt and tries to explain to the cactus that it needs rose food, the cactus will look out from the comfort of its stored reserves and ignore the rose. This is a form of passive aggression. As the roses's needs become desperate and the rose becomes increasingly demanding, the cactus can escalate to mental and emotional abuse in his lack of understanding of the rose's needs. The cactus does not mind if others are present - adding public humiliation to his abuse of the rose. When the pain of deprivation takes the rose beyond the boundaries of caution and reason, the cactus may escalate to door-slamming and physical abuse. The abused, starving rose retreats and grows a little more stunted and ugly.



Aspies do not understand that roses need rose food (emotional connection, tender loving care, appreciation, communication, time out for chatting complete with an emotional component, understanding, romance, etc.) Cactus food cannot nourish, or even sustain, a rose.


Aspies can only provide cactus food. When the rose begins to wilt and tries to explain that it needs rose food, the cactus will not understand and may call the rose "selfish" and "ungrateful". In the desert, with a prickly cactus, is a scary place for a rose to be. The rose will be deprived of intimate emotional connection, communication and love. Home-making will become a nightmare, because the cactus in his desert environment has no need for all the finishing touches that a rose would consider essential in her rose garden.


If a rose tries to bloom in the desert, the petals will be shredded by the merciless onslaught of the most ferocious desert sandstorms. In the process of desperately trying to provide myself with some mulch, water and food, I have mapped out a basic survival plan for a rose living in the desert with a cactus.



Survival plan for roses
1. Encouragement

When I have any sort of a petal on my rose at all that has not been shredded in a recent sandstorm, I try to apply myself to encouraging and acknowledging the strengths in my aspie cactus.


The soft, vulnerable part of the aspie is very receptive to praise and compliments and appreciation (like we all are, but I have found them to be more so). He has many good points. The problem is that the cruel sandstorms and the empty spareness of the desert have so stunted and shredded the rose that is me, that mostly I cannot even enjoy the good points. Nevertheless, I have found that encouragement and appreciation cause him to bloom in a very special way.


2. Quick forgiveness
There will be no remorse or apologies on the part of the cactus, because it only sees that it has been unfairly attacked and that the rose is ungrateful and too demanding. Eventually the rose has to find a way to forgive and keep going. This is survival because bitterness only hurts the rose and the cactus won't notice whether the rose is bitter or not.


3. A whole-body exerciser
Some means of exhausting the physical body is pretty much an essential first-aid emergency treatment for the larger, cruel, shredding, searing desert sandstorms. The clue is to stay with the exercise until the tears come. This is exhausting but healing and needs to be followed by step four.


4. A good book and a video
Roses need these as a first-aid measure to take the mind and emotions out of the desert and back into some sort of rose-garden environment.


5. Good friends.
Understanding friends are the remedy for the loneliness and the isolation of the desert. The problem is, to have a good friend you have to be a good friend. That is a very difficult thing to do for a stunted, shredded rose who is unwell through humiliation and lack of rose food. Internet support groups like FAAAS can be life preserving and a privilege at times like this.


6. Telephone counseling services that run 24 hours a day.
These are valuable for the desperate loneliness that hits around midnight and after. Just to hear another voice that is caring, accepting and non-judgmental does wonders.

7. Rose food

Roses have to supply their own. This is difficult when the cactus controls the budget and sees rose food as wasteful and extravagant. Gardening, reading, writing, painting, knitting, crocheting and loving chats with neighbours can often be invisibly worked into a desert budget.

8. Sleep
A cactus can be asleep within minutes of a desert sandstorm. A rose, however, will be hurting and desperate and may need to work through points three and four above.


9. Summary
The cactus is in the desert and easily survives the sandstorms. The rose cannot survive the shredding without lots of insight and protective measures on hand. Even then it is tough going!


Regarding marriage
Cacti have areas of brilliance that become their obsessions. Common obsessions are computers, technology, engineering and religion. Sometimes a male aspie will turn his obsessive interests towards a female neurotypical.


A cactus in full bloom is magnificent and very difficult for a rose to resist. At this early stage of the relationship the rose has not experienced, or been shredded by, the desert sandstorms - and has not been stunted by the emptiness and lack of nurture and food. The early cactus bloom stage may last some time (particularly if there are no children and the rose is financially independent).


However, the rose is now in the desert - and the desert does not sustain it. The wilt is inevitable. I am sorry to have to say it.


Many of the neurotypical women most likely to end up married to aspies had aspie fathers so the awful feelings of abuse and loneliness seem normal to them and almost comfortable because these feelings are so familiar.


Invisible wheelchairs
To a neurotypical, an aspie may seem emotionally disabled. Many people marry severely disabled people (such as quadriplegics) and with a lot of support and help manage to live reasonable lives. The difference here is that the quadriplegic knows he has the disability. Aspies mostly do not recognize their disability and mostly they judge the emotional interactions of neurotypical people as weakness and lack of self-discipline. Also, as you push around the quadriplegic's wheelchair people generally will make way for you, support you, even probably smile and affirm that you are doing a good job.


When a rose marries a cactus, the rose may come to feel that she is pushing an invisible wheelchair -on her own- without support and without help. People cannot "see" an invisible wheelchair, so the rose often may feel uncomfortable, even humiliated, when out in public with the cactus. In addition to this there may be a strong chance that offspring from this marriage could also be cacti. From the rose's perception - this amounts to more invisible wheelchairs.


Raising baby cacti
It is my opinion that young aspie cacti need people of insight to go in to bat for them. They need a kindly advocate. They are soft and vulnerable and do not yet have their protective prickles established.


I believe that whenever possible the young aspie's obsessions or "special interests" (and they may change as they get older) need to be nurtured and supported. These special interests are often computing, engineering, mathematics and science.


If the young aspie can be led into earning a living from his area of "special interest", I believe he will be content and functional in his world as an adult.


It is my belief however, from observation and experience, that this state of contentment and stability will be completely destroyed if he chooses to marry a neurotypical.


I believe the different brain patterns in people with Asperger's Syndrome do not allow for functional social interaction except on a very surface, factual level. I believe the aspie can be trained to say the right things at the right time, but have found that does not supply the emotional connection that is necessary for intimate relationships with neurotypicals.


Baby roses in the desert
Perhaps two cacti may exist happily together in the desert. However, think of the consequences of two cacti producing a baby rose. The baby rose, without any intention or effort from the cacti, would be subject to emotional deprivation and would be shredded in the desert. It is likely it would grow up stunted, without flowers and with very large thorns. Then it would look more like a cactus than a rose and would not fit into, or be accepted by, the rose garden.




Ultimately, the stunted, cactus-like rose would probably attract to itself another cactus rather than a rose. Unwittingly, then the rose would place itself in a marriage where all the pain, and more, of the rose's childhood would be revisited.




I wonder how many roses that are married to a cactus were in fact brought up by at least one cactus parent?




Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2000 Marguerite Long

This revised edition of Roses and Cacti @ Copyright 2003

Marguerite Long, Email author marguerite@rosesandcacti.com



The author grants permission to copy this document provided it is for non-commercial purposes, is complete, unaltered and retains this copyright message.

The Wilted Rose

It has been a hard week. Since my husband doesn't know what to do to cheer me up (and doesn't see that I need cheering up in the first place), I sent him an email grocery list with only one item on it: "pretty flowers for the wife."

That evening when he walked in the door, he was grinning ear to ear. He proudly handed me a bunch of wilted, decaying roses. I cheerfully smiled and said 'thank you.'

And then I spent the next several minutes peeling off layers of ugly, wilted petals in search of some sort of loveliness underneath.

The symbolism astounds me.

I am a wilted rose in this asperger marriage. And my aspie husband doesn't even see it. And there are layers of ugliness in our marriage. But if I work hard enough and put in lots of extra effort, I can find some loveliness buried down deep.