NT/AS Clue: When the NT is sick, the Aspie should frequently check in and see how she is and find out if she needs anything. The NT must put on a robe of forgiveness, drop all of her normal expectations, and ask for what she needs.
This seems to be a recurring theme for me, and I believe it is for many NT aspie's wives. When we are sick and are consequently ignored, all of the anger and bitterness, self-pity and loneliness, pain, and as much as I hate to admit it, what could honestly be labeled in these moments as hatred comes bubbling up to the surface.
I mistakenly thought and hoped that bad stuff in my heart was almost gone. The truth is that I have a long way to go, much to work on in myself, and times of pain, trials, and afflictions bring to light my weaknesses. The great news is that in our weakest moments, when we are at the end of ourselves and have nothing left, we know grace and the power of God to give us strength.
What can the aspie do to help his NT wife when she is ill? Try checking in with her once per hour. Ask if she needs a drink, something to eat, or some medicine. If she needs something, go and get it as quickly as you can and take it to her. Ask her how she is feeling. Tell her "I'm sorry you are sick." If you do these things, she will feel loved. If you don't do these things, she'll feel like you are treating her like dirt and she will probably be very, very angry with you. What you neglect to do can have devastating effects.
What should the NT wife do when she is sick? Drop all expectations that your aspie instinctively knows or even habitually remembers the most basic kindnesses expected when someone is ill. If you can manage to get out of bed, try to take care of yourself as best as you can. Otherwise, ask for water. Ask for medicine. Ask for soup. Pray, especially in your weakest moments, to be loving, kind, patient and forgiving. Remember that his brain doesn't naturally know these things and he is not intending to hurt you!
Learn from the hard times and make an effort to teach your aspie children the unwritten social "rules" so that they grow up knowing what is expected of them in specific scenarios like this.
Sniff. Sneeze.
And a big, big SIGH.
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Good post!
ReplyDeleteMy wife has been sick for about four weeks. I caught the same thing that she had after the second week and almost collapsed on the spot.
My first words to her were "why didn't you let me know that it was this bad". She told me that she had and that she was unhappy that I'd come home from work late one night even though I knew she was sick.
I apologized. I get carried away with all of my work obligations and sometimes I forget about my home ones.
I had no idea that the illness (flu) was as bad as it was. I told her that the words she needs to use are;
"I'm too sick to cope on my own - you need to come home from work right NOW!"
I've been supportive but I would have been more supportive (ie: taken time off work) had I understood how bad it really was.
Sometimes we need to be told in the most forceful way possible.